Misfortunes
Patrick Clark
"I guess I should have called you first." The ugly girl said. "Well maybe you shouldn't of smashed my window with a brick!" the enraged man said. "I'm sorry," the girl said not caring. "Sorry!' the man thundered. "You launched a projectile into my living quarters with the intent of doing harm to said person! And I have a shard of glass through my face and the pain is unbearable!" The man pointed to a crooked sharp piece of window glass that was lodged in his forehead as blood seeped from the wound. "Oh my good golly gosh!" The girl exclaimed with fake emotion. "I shall try to release the projectile from you're cranium." She struggled with the shard of glass until is came out. Blood started to gush out of the man's head and in a few seconds, he crumpled to the floor, dead. "Whatever shall I do?" The girl said to herself. In despair, she threw herself out the window, and died.
Meanwhile not far away, a stupid, fat, and hideous girl named Yasmine woke up. Yasmine had an eating disorder, so her house always smelt of throw-up, I don't know why I put that in this bit but I thought you might like to know. Anyway, back to the story. "I am so thirsty," she said. "I must make haste to divulge some liquids into my digestive system." She went to the kitchen and opened the fridge. As she got out a pitcher of Kool-Aid and a bottle of vodka, she saw something. The something that she saw was a piece of cheesecake. It was white in color and had strawberries on top with chocolate syrup. She picked it up and said, "I mustn't eat this delicious delectable, I'll get too fat. Plus it could be poisoned." But the young bulimic couldn't help herself, so she helped herself to the cheesecake. Grabbing the cake by the graham cracker crust she slurped it down and chewed rudely with her mouth open.
Yasmine searched the fridge for more food. The, out of thin air, a middle aged policeman in a stiff uniform appeared behind her. "Pajamas, lounge wear, and dorm pants are prohibited." He said to Yasmine. "Get mister! I'm busy!" Yasmine said to the cop who was looming over her shoulder. "Pajamas, lounge wear, and dorm pants are prohibited." The policeman who put too much starch in his laundry said. "Shut up!" Yasmine retorted, she gave the man a rude hand gesture and went back to the fridge. The policeman took out his handgun and promptly shot her in the head. Then he snapped his fingers and vanished. Now for something else entirely.
"Why do we have to have hot dogs for lunch today?" A whiney boy named Devin whined in a whiney whine to a lunch lady. Now before we go on with the story, there are some things you must know about Devin. Devin was as skinny as a rail and rarely smiled, unless he was making fun of others. He also had nasty black hair in a buzz cut that smelled rotten because he never washed it. Also he had horrible acne and pimples that he would pick at and eat. Now on with the story since you know about Devin. The elderly lunch lady smiled and said, "Smile child! For today is a beautiful day." She put a hot dog on Devin's plastic lunch tray as he moved up in the line. The next lunch lady was overweight and cruel. She had a big fat mole on her cheek that seemed to twitch on it's own and drool dribbled from her dry cracked lips as her tangled nose hair hung down to her chin. "Here's you're feed you little parasite!" The fat lunch lady said to Devin as she took and ice cream scoop and dug it into a huge vat of who-knows-what and plopped it on his tray. The who-knows-what was brown in color and had bits of what looked like macadamia nuts in it.
Devin went to sit down. He thought about is feelings. Although he looked depressed on the outside, he was very depressed on the inside. "It all started when I got up too early this morning." He said out loud even though he knew nobody was listening. "First I squirted lime juice in my face and it burned my eyeball. Then I missed the bus and had to walk to school uphill both ways in the snow. When I got to school, I found out that I didn't make the cheerleading team and I flunked my physical fitness test. He started to weep loudly and everyone laughed and pointed at him. Since he had spent all that emotion in school that day, for the rest of Diven's life, he was emotionless. When he grew up, he never married and became a boring stockbroker. He lived a plain dull life until he was forty-three and died of throat cancer brought on by chewing that filthy chewing tobacco. What a waste.