Honey, I Killed the Pants
A Naruto Oneshot by Substandard Producer
(Naruto and all characters and trademarks therefrom is © Masashi Kishimoto.)
"You what?" said Iruka, looking at his partner as if something bizarre had decided to grow out of his shoulder.
Kakashi trembled. "I killed your pants."
Iruka didn't know how to respond, but he thought saying "You what?" again would sound stupid. Finally, he settled for "…Which pants?"
"The PANTS," explained Kakashi.
"…"
"The good PANTS."
Silence.
"Oh," said Iruka.
The PANTS in question were dark blue dress pants trotted out on those occasions where his uniform or casual civvies just wouldn't cut it. They were rarely used, their most recent sojourns off the clothes hanger being separated by eight months. Formal clothing had very little place in a shinobi's life, so as much as he might grumble about the decreased range of movement the PANTS brought, Iruka regarded wearing them as a bit of a treat.
"…How did you kill them?" continued Iruka.
"I don't know!"
"…"
"I mean, I was just doing the laundry—"
"You were?"
This was a one-of-a-kind event in the Hatake-Umino household. When the pair moved in together, the chores had been divided up as follows: Iruka cooked (to prevent kitchen explosions), shopped, and did the laundry, in return for which Kakashi cleaned, took care of his dogs, and paid the bills. The arrangement had been decided due to a mix of personal preferences and personal ineptitudes, and laundry fell under the ineptitude part of the rubric.
As an up-until-Iruka-lifelong bachelor and man who basically lived in uniform, Kakashi had basically never learned to do laundry. It was difficult to screw up with just a few uniforms, jeans, and turtlenecks, so he was fine when he lived on his own (although he couldn't sleep when a washer or dryer was running—which he blamed on his enhanced senses, but Iruka privately maintained that he was just being persnickety). This led to some interesting conversations when it came time for his introduction to laundry a la life partner ("There are different kinds of detergent? What is this 'fabric softener?' What's 'dry cleaning?' How can it get clean if it stays dry?"). It was quickly agreed that laundry was not Kakashi's bailiwick. So, the truly mystifying thing was why Kakashi had attempted to do the laundry that day.
"Why did you do the laundry?" asked Iruka shortly.
"…" Mumbling from Kakashi's direction.
"What was that?"
"I thought you would like it if I did your chores for you," murmured Kakashi, blushing slightly in embarrassment. "I mean, finals are coming up apparently and I wanted to decrease your workload, so…" He trailed off.
Iruka was struck once again by how incredibly sweet his lover could be. It often seemed as though Kakashi just lived for four things: the village, his students, porn, and spoiling Iruka. His mind danced around happily for a moment before settling back on the cold hard reality of the PANTS. "So?"
"So I did the laundry." Kakashi seemed unwilling to elaborate.
After a time, Iruka spoke again. "What exactly did you do?"
"I separated the colors, then I put the lights in the washer, then I added bleach and detergent, then I waited, then I put the lights in the dryer and the darks in the washer, then I added detergent, then I waited some more, then when I pulled out the darks from the washer I, maa, saw the PANTS."
At this point Kakashi pulled a lump of cloth from behind his back. He unfurled it slowly, then watched his love's reaction with fearful grey-blue and red eyes.
Iruka could do nothing but stare. In front of him on the coffee table was a dark blue shapeless mass impossibly stretched and twisted and nearly devoid of recognizable form. Spots of lighter blue mottled its surface. It lay on the cherry wood forlornly, rather resembling roadkill, seemingly pleading for the release of death.
"So…yeah." uttered Kakashi timidly.
The brown-haired chuunin cleared his throat. "You certainly did a number on these."
"Eep."
"Kakashi?"
"Yes?" meeped the silver-haired jounin.
"These were dry-clean only."
"Oh…How do you know?" Kakashi cocked his head a bit, clearly still fearing for his life, manhood, or sex life.
"It says on the tag."
"Is that what those annoying bits of fabric are for?" The older man looked truly surprised.
Despite himself, Iruka laughed. "For a genius, Kashi, you're remarkably unprepared for ordinary life."
Kakashi scooted slightly closer to Iruka on the couch, correctly interpreting his love's laughter as a good sign. "Will you accept my apology?"
"On three conditions." Iruka grinned.
The taller man continued edging closer. "Those being…?"
"One, you never, ever do our laundry again. Two, you buy me a new pair of PANTS. Three…"
"Yes?"
"You give me a kiss for putting me through that much trouble."
"Done and done." With that, Kakashi pounced.
A few minutes later, Iruka paused in the middle of removing Kakashi's shirt. "Kashi, hold up a second."
"Mmmm?" Kakashi stopped his assault on Iruka's neck.
"You said that you wanted to do my chores, as in plural. Was laundry the only chore you did?"
"Maa…"
"Kashi."
"I… uh… tried that recipe for the—"
Iruka bolted from the couch. "Oh my God what did you do?"
They ate out that night.