AUTHOR : Lucy Maria Elmer
SUMMARY: A lonely ghost helps Jack O'Neill say goodbye.
CATEGORY: Post Heroes fic!!! Character POV, grief, angst, Jack/Janet with references to Janet/Daniel and Jack and Sam
RATING: PG-13
SEASON: Set after Heroes Part 2.
SPOILERS: Heroes! Singularity, The Broca Divide, Rites Of Passage...
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on Copyrights or trademarks were intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead is coincidental and not intended by the author. The title is the name of a song by Jamelia. No infringement is intended.
AUTHORS NOTE: For Teryl, Els and the Jack and Janet fans.
See It In A Boys Eyes.
As we sit under the starlight I watch her intently, taking in every one of her features. The way her hair falls around her face, the way her gentle brown eyes shine as the light of the stars reflects in them, the way she bites her lip as she sits lost in her thoughts.
"We made a mess of things didn't we?" I comment playing with the label of the beer bottle that I hold in my hand, the beer long gone but me feeling the need to be doing something.
"They couldn't have been any different," She tells me softly, her voice firm and unwavering in its sincerity.
"You ever wish they were?" I ask her quietly, not able to meet her eyes and instead looking up at the stars above us.
"It was a long time ago..." She states quietly. "What else could we have done?" She then asks me with a small sigh.
I shrug not knowing what to say.
"I just...What we had...It was good and I never told you that." I admit to her full of regret.
"It was. But we were young and as good as it was we have to remember that it still ended and there were reasons why it ended," She tells me wisely, sadness in her eyes.
"It was a hard time," I comment thinking back to when we had been together before both of us arrived at the SGC and how happy we had been until that day, a day when things fell apart.
"It really was," She replies with such sadness in her voice that my heart aches.
"Harder for you I imagine," I say softly and I hear her sigh. "You were..."
She nods and then looks down at her feet.
"This...This is harder. Seeing you all suffering so much and not being able to stop it. I hate being the cause of so much suffering."
I see tears in her eyes and want so much to comfort her, but I know there's no way I can. For the past seven years there have been so many times when I should have comforted her and never did. Now it's too late.
I then smile a little wondering how even after what happened to her and the injustice of it all she can still be so worried about the people left behind..
"The damn Goa'uld caused the suffering not you," I shout, suddenly feeling so angry.
"This is their fault," I add standing up slowly, pain ripping through my side and then beginning to pace angrily though I know I should be resting. In a way I like the pain. I feel as though I deserve it. A punishment for living when....
"We knew this could happen. We knew from the start of our careers..." She starts softly but I cut her off.
"But it shouldn't have happened to you!!!!" I shout. "You're too much of a loss to us. You're too much of a loss to me," I tell her quietly.
"And that shouldn't have happened to you," She tells me walking over to me and placing a hand where I was hit. "But it comes with the career, you know it does. You've seen it before."
"But this was different. " I argue. "This was you. You should have been on the base. It should have been someone else," I whisper looking into her now haunted eyes.
"I wouldn't wish this on anyone else. It was my time. You need to accept that. Senior Airman Wells needed me, and even if I'd have known that I would meet my end on that planet I still would have gone so I could have helped him when he needed my attention. It was what I did. Part of who I was."
"I wont accept that… You were not meant to die that day. Don't ever think that you were. If anyone it should have been me. You do...did...good in peoples lives. I don't," I say quietly believing every word to be true.
"Don't ever think that. Of course you do. You do that every day," she reassures me putting a hand on my shoulder gently.
"No I don't." I argue back. "I wise crack my way through life. I make jokes when things are tough...."
"You save lives," she says simply.
"No you saved lives," I reply. "And I take them away."
"Listen to me," She tells me cupping my cheeks in the palms of her small hands and gently turning my face so our brown eyes meet. "You have saved so many lives. You just do it in a different way to how I did. You're a part of something so huge and so wonderful. You help countless people on other worlds. You don't ever need to think that you deserved to die more than I did. That's something I wont accept."
"How can it be something wonderful? We've lost so many good people," I ask her thinking of Kawalsky, Shau're and the countless other people lost in our battle against the Goa'uld. Then looking at her and realizing that maybe to me she was the biggest loss of all.
"But we've saved so many too. You have to remember those people, not dwell on those who are gone. We want you to remember Jack, but we don't want you to give up because we're gone," she says upset, but so sure of what she's saying, then walking away from me and looking out at the stars.
"There's so much that I should have said to you, but I never was one for words," I then tell her honestly, feeling the need to say the things I never did when she was just a few footsteps or a phone call away. "When we lost her I never said all the things that I should have said and that cost us so much.. You were hurting and I couldn't see past my own hurt to even begin to help you with yours. And then when you came to the SGC...We were always so much more distant than we could have been."
"If we'd have brought our history to the SGC things would have been too complicated. You know they would have. The things that happened would have taken so long for us to work through and would have been so painful. And what about Sam?" she asks me looking a little wistful as she thinks of her best friend.
I look at the floor knowing in my heart that she's right.
"I always missed you, you know? Even when you were right there I missed you so much. I missed that we couldn't be as close as we were before. I missed the fact that we couldn't talk like we did before. There were so many times that I wanted to hold you and see if you were alright, but I had to settle for watching from afar and letting other people do it. I'm so sorry," I apologize and I can feel tears burning behind my eyes as I think of how closely we had worked together but how I barely knew her during those years.
"It's okay I understood," she soothes turning back to face me, her hair blowing in the gentle breeze.
"You and me, it was a happy time for me, one of the best. The fact we could never acknowledge it because of where we were and the people we grew to care about...it just...when I think about it now...."
"I know," she replies. "I missed you too. But hey, I still had my sparring partner." She jokes trying to lighten the mood, remembering our many sarcastic exchanges during the last seven years.
I can't help but smile.
"That you did. You know I never meant to hurt you with any of my sarcasm. If I did I'm sorry," I tell her truthfully, hoping with all my heart she knows that I would never have done anything to hurt her.
"You never did Jack. It was the only link we had back to our past relationship and the way we were. I never forgot how much I loved you," she tells me.
"And I never stopped loving you. I always hoped that you knew that," I tell her shyly, wondering how for a man that usually had problems finding the words, it was possible for me to be so open about my feelings for my fallen colleague.
"I knew. You know sometimes I do wonder what life would have been like if things were different. If things hadn't of fallen apart and if our child was still here. When we lost Phoebe we lost each other..."
"And it was all my fault. You were grieving and I was too...." I start feeling angry with myself all over again for all the hurt I caused such a beautiful and caring woman.
"You can't blame yourself. Heartache can make or break a relationship. Ours obviously wasn't strong enough to survive Phoebes death."
"It was good though. Up until then it was good."
"It was," she agrees.
"You know when I first saw you at the SGC I nearly had a heart attack," I comment smiling. "I couldn't believe that you were there. I was so proud that you were our CMO no matter how much I whined or teased you about it. I always will be so proud of you."
She blushes, her eyes shining. It doesn't even hit me how strange it is that I'm sitting on my roof talking to a woman who had died a few days before. Talking to her seems the most natural thing in the world.
"I always suspected that you were secretly proud," she tells me grinning. "You know it was so strange for me when I saw you too, but then you were just about to turn into a primitive," she jokes.
I smile.
"When I heard that you were Colonel I was proud of you as well but then as soon as I saw those brown eyes that I loved so much I remember I actually felt sad because I missed those eyes. I missed you. But then I saw the way you looked at Sam and I knew that we could never go back to how we were. There was too much water under the bridge."
I nod softly.
"You've always held a special place in my heart Janet. Just because we couldn't be together it didn't mean that I stopped caring about you," I tell her wanting to let her know everything and reassure her in some way that she would never be forgotten.
"I knew that Jack from the very first day I saw you. I always could read you like a book," she reassures me.
"Yeah I remember," I reply smiling, remembering her ability of somehow being able to know what I was thinking or feeling. She probably knew me better than anyone on the base.
"Just like I know that you're angry with yourself right now and that you feel guilty. And like I know that you feel like you deserve that injury. I don't want you to be angry that you lived. Your life is worth something. I don't want you to wish it away."
"Your life was worth so much more," I tell her sadly.
"You all blame yourselves in some way. Sam, Teal'c and poor Daniel..."
"He's not doing too good," I tell her thinking of how withdrawn Daniel had been since her death, so haunted that he was there at her side when it happened.
"I know. Don't blame him Jack, there wasn't a thing he could have done," she tells me and I look down ashamed wondering if it was obvious that in a way I blamed Daniel for not doing all he could to protect her, even though deep down I know there's nothing he could have done.
"I know that. I just...I can't help thinking we should have done more to protect you and he was there...he was right there and he loved you but he couldn't protect you," I tell her finding it hard to deal with all the different emotions raging inside of me.
"No-one could have. I doubt even you could have. Don't do this to yourself or to him. Jack he's your friend. Probably even your best friend. You both need to help each other through this," she tells me, so much emotion evident on her face.
"I always wanted to protect you, you know? We all did. Me, Teal'c, Danny...the General...I guess we failed you."
"No you didn't. Of course you didn't," she tells me a little exasperatedly. " Did you know that even after I'd gone Daniel held me just so that if I was still alive I wouldn't die alone? That wasn't failing me. You sat for hours with me after I was gone saying your goodbyes to me even though you were injured and in so much pain, that wasn't failing me. Teal'c gave Sam words to say at my memorial, that wasn't failing me. None of you failed me. Death's a part of life. It's a part of the military and our battle against the Goa'uld. None of you failed me because you couldn't protect me. No-one could have known."
"Sam's in pieces," I then comment quietly thinking back to how Sam had sobbed in my arms when I was recovering at the SGC because of losing Janet and seeing me injured. I hate that she had to see me get hit like that. But then at least she still gets to see me alive and kicking. Daniel has to live with the fact that Janet died in front of his eyes.
She nods.
"I know she is. God I miss her. At least I can keep an eye on her from where I am, but she can't even know that I'm doing that. She can't even know that I'm with her when she's crying for me like she has been. She was my best friend. To not be able to comfort her...it's so hard. This is all so hard," she tells me tearfully.
I walk over to her and put a hand on her shoulder. She rests her head against it.
"I'm sure she knows that wherever you are you're watching over her and I'll keep an eye on her for you I promise."
"I know you will. You love her and she loves you. She needs you right now so much and I think you need her too," she tells me knowingly.
I look at my feet.
"My feelings for Carter...they don't make what I felt for you any less meaningful," I say softly looking right into her eyes as I say it, hoping that she can see how much I mean it.
"I knew you loved her since the very first day I saw you both together. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy Jack. I was just happy to have you there. I accepted a long time ago that you had feelings for Sam, but like you said it doesn't make what I felt for you any less meaningful. Neither does the fact I cared for Daniel."
"I knew you liked Danny boy," I tease, grinning sheepishly.
She blushes.
"He liked you too. A lot."
I can see her look at me sadly as she thought of all the things she was missing out on and leaving behind.
"I'll miss him. It meant so much that he was there when...if it couldn't have been you then I'm glad it was him."
"I'll have to tell him that," I comment, though realizing that no one would believe me even if I told them about whom I was talking to tonight.
"Oh god Jack, Cass.... please will you look out for my little girl for me? I'll always be with her but where I am, I can't do a thing. She needs someone here...she needs..." she starts hysterically.
Her face falls as she thinks of her daughter and how she's had to leave her behind. I can see tears forming behind those brown eyes, which always had been so full of depth.
"Cass needs you Jack. She needs Sam but she needs you too. You have to be strong for her. You've always been like her surrogate father and right now I'm so worried about my little girl," she admits to me crying.
I walk over to her and pull her into my arms and its really as if I can feel her. For a moment I rock her gently but when the pain gets too much I stop and just hold her tightly.
"Anytime Cass needs me I'll be right there," I whisper into her hair. " You never have to worry about that. She's a lovely young woman. You did so well raising her," I tell her, so proud of Janet for taking on the responsibility of raising Cassandra.
"We all played a part in raising her," she argues modestly.
"But you were her mother. You took care of her every day. She loved you to bits. She told me just today that you meant the world to her. As far as she was concerned she had two mothers. Her mother on Hanka, and you and she misses you more than you can ever imagine," I reassure her thinking back to earlier that day when Sam had brought Cassandra to mine and we had spoken about Janet, the teenager finding the grief hard to cope with having already lost one mother, and now her adoptive mother too.
"I'm pretty sure I can imagine. I miss her so much Jack. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. I wanted children ever since...and then Cass came along...and it was good, hard but good. I wouldn't change adopting her for the world."
I look at the floor.
"When I saw you with Cass and saw how natural you were with her I just felt....I kept thinking of Phoebe and how great a mom you would have been to her and then I kept thinking of how selfish I was after she died. You would have made a wonderful mother to our little girl," I tell her honestly.
"And you would have made a wonderful father. Promise me if Cass needs you..."
"I'll be there," I reassure her.
"I know you will. I just wanted to make sure that was what you wanted, and to let you know that it's what I want too. I want you to be around for Cass.. I want you to be a father figure if she needs one," she tells me walking away from me and leaning back against the wall, wiping her eyes.
"You really trust me to be a father figure to her? The man who eats fruit loops and has an attention span that probably rivals that of a goldfish?" I ask her smiling a little.
"I really do. You're a good man Jack O'Neill, whether you believe me when I say it or not."
"Did you want to make sure because I wasn't there when you needed me?" I then ask her, my voice full of regret. "Jan you know how sorry I am about that. If I could turn back the clock..."
"Would you?" she asks.
I think for a moment and then nod.
"You were in pieces but instead of giving you all the support and care you deserved I just shut myself of. It wasn't fair of me and it wasn't right. I loved you. I should have helped you through it. I should have let us do it together but you know me, I'm stubborn as hell," I tell her honestly.
She smiles.
"Like I said it is water under the bridge now. I guess things worked out how they were meant to. We both ended up at the SGC. Our teams have helped save Earth and I've helped save lives. If we had stayed together maybe we wouldn't have even ended up at the SGC and what would have happened to SG-1 then? It's been a pretty wild ride," she tells me smiling.
I nod in agreement.
"You know I never asked but I always wondered... After I left...how was life? I never asked before how you managed to deal with things and I should have."
She smiles softly.
"I got on okay. It was hard; I can't pretend that it wasn't. I carried her for nine months and she died when she was just two hours old. It was so hard to let the little girl we'd felt move inside of me and kick and hiccup go. Then we drifted apart. Every day I could see you hurting, but you weren't able to open up to me. I just wanted you to grieve and I wanted to help you...but you pushed me away. And then you left and I had to deal with it all on my own...but I got through it. I took each day as it was and gradually I found the will to keep going and to forgive you for that. And then I found my way to the SGC. How about you?"
"I was angry with myself for not being there for you like I should have been and for leaving, but too scared to go back. I was angry that I couldn't open up to the woman that I loved. I was angry at life and with God for taking another child away from me. I was grieving for my daughter and missing you. I got drunk a lot. Got a little reckless.... but I got through it too and here I am. Your forgiveness meant a lot. There wasn't a day that went by when I didn't think of you both."
"I don't doubt it. I still thought about you a lot too," she admits.
We both stand in silence for a moment and for a split second I think she's gone, but then I turn around and she's still standing there. A lonely ghost helping an old man say goodbye.
"Did it hurt?" I then ask her quietly as I notice her hand rest on her side where she was hit, knowing that this conversation can't last forever, but trying to make it last as long as I can, not wanting to say goodbye to her again.
"No. It didn't have time to hurt, as soon as I was hit that was it. It was all so quick. I barely felt anything at all. Maybe a little pain but then I was numb...and then I was gone. I didn't suffer. Not like you are now. That was a nasty hit you took."
I put a hand on my side and nod.
"As soon as I came round in the infirmary I knew something was wrong. It didn't feel right in there. It was like something was missing. And then I saw one of the nurses crying, and Daniel ...Daniel was crying...and Sam…and then I just knew."
"Yeah it must have been weird not having me there with my needles," she jokes trying to lighten the mood.
"I'm not ready for you to be gone Jan. Why couldn't you fight? Why did you have to leave us?"
She walks over to me and puts a finger over my lips to quiet me.
"Jack you have to accept that physically I am gone. Nothing can be done to bring me back. This is it. This is the end. I didn't want to go. I don't want to leave you all but it's what was meant to be," she tells me tearfully.
"But I need you..."
"And I'll always be there when you do, in your heart and your memory. I'll be at your side even if you can't see me. I'm gone Jack."
"But then why come tonight? Why do this? How is it even possible?" I ask her.
"I said I'd be there if you needed me and tonight you did. Jack you're going to do fine. You have your friends and now you know how I felt about you. You don't have to doubt that anymore and you don't have to carry the burden about all the things that could have been. I don't want you to remember me and be upset."
"But so many of our memories involve grief," I comment sadly.
"Yeah...but then we had a lot of good ones too didn't we? I want you to remember those. I want you to remember all the times we wound each other up at the SGC. I don't want you to remember me being brought back in a body bag or to keep thinking about the what ifs, it'll destroy you."
I look away from her again.
"This isn't easy for me either you know? I have to watch you all grieve and while I'm so honoured that so many people thought so highly of me and even loved me...what do you think it's like to look down on all the people I care about and not be able to do anything to comfort them? I've accepted it was my time, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't rather be here with all of you, living my life."
"I know," I reply not knowing what else to say.
We both stand in silence again and I know that soon she'll be gone.
"I will always love you Jack O'Neill. It doesn't matter that we couldn't admit to people about our past, or that we didn't pursue a relationship again. Nothing could change that I loved you. I want you to know that."
I can feel tears welling up behind my eyes as I realize that this is the goodbye I should have said the day that she had left us.
"And I loved you too. I'm so proud of you. I wanted you to know that. And I wanted you to know that I'm sorry things couldn't have been different. But at least we still had each other's company for seven years. No number of injections or wise cracks could ever change the fact that I loved every minute. Your death...it was a huge loss to the SGC...and to me. We're honoured to have had you in our lives."
"Ditto," She replies. "Jack...you will see me again one day...When it's your time. Phoebe and I will be waiting for you. She's the most gorgeous little girl. She has her daddy's smile. Any time you're lonely or you think of me....know that our daughter and I will be looking down on you with all the love in the world. You don't need to be lonely Jack and you don't need to worry about us. We're always with you" she tells me walking up to me and pulling my forehead down to her height and then kissing it softly.
Out of nowhere comes a gust of wind and then she's gone.
I look around at the roof, now empty apart from me and my telescope and feeling a little overwhelmed I sit back down and look at the stars. I don't think I'll ever really know if Janet was there with me that night, but I like to think so. She always was the kind of woman who would do anything she could to comfort the people she cared about. I just hope that wherever she now is, that she and Phoebe are at rest and that both know how much I love them and will continue to love them until we meet again.
SUMMARY: A lonely ghost helps Jack O'Neill say goodbye.
CATEGORY: Post Heroes fic!!! Character POV, grief, angst, Jack/Janet with references to Janet/Daniel and Jack and Sam
RATING: PG-13
SEASON: Set after Heroes Part 2.
SPOILERS: Heroes! Singularity, The Broca Divide, Rites Of Passage...
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on Copyrights or trademarks were intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead is coincidental and not intended by the author. The title is the name of a song by Jamelia. No infringement is intended.
AUTHORS NOTE: For Teryl, Els and the Jack and Janet fans.
See It In A Boys Eyes.
As we sit under the starlight I watch her intently, taking in every one of her features. The way her hair falls around her face, the way her gentle brown eyes shine as the light of the stars reflects in them, the way she bites her lip as she sits lost in her thoughts.
"We made a mess of things didn't we?" I comment playing with the label of the beer bottle that I hold in my hand, the beer long gone but me feeling the need to be doing something.
"They couldn't have been any different," She tells me softly, her voice firm and unwavering in its sincerity.
"You ever wish they were?" I ask her quietly, not able to meet her eyes and instead looking up at the stars above us.
"It was a long time ago..." She states quietly. "What else could we have done?" She then asks me with a small sigh.
I shrug not knowing what to say.
"I just...What we had...It was good and I never told you that." I admit to her full of regret.
"It was. But we were young and as good as it was we have to remember that it still ended and there were reasons why it ended," She tells me wisely, sadness in her eyes.
"It was a hard time," I comment thinking back to when we had been together before both of us arrived at the SGC and how happy we had been until that day, a day when things fell apart.
"It really was," She replies with such sadness in her voice that my heart aches.
"Harder for you I imagine," I say softly and I hear her sigh. "You were..."
She nods and then looks down at her feet.
"This...This is harder. Seeing you all suffering so much and not being able to stop it. I hate being the cause of so much suffering."
I see tears in her eyes and want so much to comfort her, but I know there's no way I can. For the past seven years there have been so many times when I should have comforted her and never did. Now it's too late.
I then smile a little wondering how even after what happened to her and the injustice of it all she can still be so worried about the people left behind..
"The damn Goa'uld caused the suffering not you," I shout, suddenly feeling so angry.
"This is their fault," I add standing up slowly, pain ripping through my side and then beginning to pace angrily though I know I should be resting. In a way I like the pain. I feel as though I deserve it. A punishment for living when....
"We knew this could happen. We knew from the start of our careers..." She starts softly but I cut her off.
"But it shouldn't have happened to you!!!!" I shout. "You're too much of a loss to us. You're too much of a loss to me," I tell her quietly.
"And that shouldn't have happened to you," She tells me walking over to me and placing a hand where I was hit. "But it comes with the career, you know it does. You've seen it before."
"But this was different. " I argue. "This was you. You should have been on the base. It should have been someone else," I whisper looking into her now haunted eyes.
"I wouldn't wish this on anyone else. It was my time. You need to accept that. Senior Airman Wells needed me, and even if I'd have known that I would meet my end on that planet I still would have gone so I could have helped him when he needed my attention. It was what I did. Part of who I was."
"I wont accept that… You were not meant to die that day. Don't ever think that you were. If anyone it should have been me. You do...did...good in peoples lives. I don't," I say quietly believing every word to be true.
"Don't ever think that. Of course you do. You do that every day," she reassures me putting a hand on my shoulder gently.
"No I don't." I argue back. "I wise crack my way through life. I make jokes when things are tough...."
"You save lives," she says simply.
"No you saved lives," I reply. "And I take them away."
"Listen to me," She tells me cupping my cheeks in the palms of her small hands and gently turning my face so our brown eyes meet. "You have saved so many lives. You just do it in a different way to how I did. You're a part of something so huge and so wonderful. You help countless people on other worlds. You don't ever need to think that you deserved to die more than I did. That's something I wont accept."
"How can it be something wonderful? We've lost so many good people," I ask her thinking of Kawalsky, Shau're and the countless other people lost in our battle against the Goa'uld. Then looking at her and realizing that maybe to me she was the biggest loss of all.
"But we've saved so many too. You have to remember those people, not dwell on those who are gone. We want you to remember Jack, but we don't want you to give up because we're gone," she says upset, but so sure of what she's saying, then walking away from me and looking out at the stars.
"There's so much that I should have said to you, but I never was one for words," I then tell her honestly, feeling the need to say the things I never did when she was just a few footsteps or a phone call away. "When we lost her I never said all the things that I should have said and that cost us so much.. You were hurting and I couldn't see past my own hurt to even begin to help you with yours. And then when you came to the SGC...We were always so much more distant than we could have been."
"If we'd have brought our history to the SGC things would have been too complicated. You know they would have. The things that happened would have taken so long for us to work through and would have been so painful. And what about Sam?" she asks me looking a little wistful as she thinks of her best friend.
I look at the floor knowing in my heart that she's right.
"I always missed you, you know? Even when you were right there I missed you so much. I missed that we couldn't be as close as we were before. I missed the fact that we couldn't talk like we did before. There were so many times that I wanted to hold you and see if you were alright, but I had to settle for watching from afar and letting other people do it. I'm so sorry," I apologize and I can feel tears burning behind my eyes as I think of how closely we had worked together but how I barely knew her during those years.
"It's okay I understood," she soothes turning back to face me, her hair blowing in the gentle breeze.
"You and me, it was a happy time for me, one of the best. The fact we could never acknowledge it because of where we were and the people we grew to care about...it just...when I think about it now...."
"I know," she replies. "I missed you too. But hey, I still had my sparring partner." She jokes trying to lighten the mood, remembering our many sarcastic exchanges during the last seven years.
I can't help but smile.
"That you did. You know I never meant to hurt you with any of my sarcasm. If I did I'm sorry," I tell her truthfully, hoping with all my heart she knows that I would never have done anything to hurt her.
"You never did Jack. It was the only link we had back to our past relationship and the way we were. I never forgot how much I loved you," she tells me.
"And I never stopped loving you. I always hoped that you knew that," I tell her shyly, wondering how for a man that usually had problems finding the words, it was possible for me to be so open about my feelings for my fallen colleague.
"I knew. You know sometimes I do wonder what life would have been like if things were different. If things hadn't of fallen apart and if our child was still here. When we lost Phoebe we lost each other..."
"And it was all my fault. You were grieving and I was too...." I start feeling angry with myself all over again for all the hurt I caused such a beautiful and caring woman.
"You can't blame yourself. Heartache can make or break a relationship. Ours obviously wasn't strong enough to survive Phoebes death."
"It was good though. Up until then it was good."
"It was," she agrees.
"You know when I first saw you at the SGC I nearly had a heart attack," I comment smiling. "I couldn't believe that you were there. I was so proud that you were our CMO no matter how much I whined or teased you about it. I always will be so proud of you."
She blushes, her eyes shining. It doesn't even hit me how strange it is that I'm sitting on my roof talking to a woman who had died a few days before. Talking to her seems the most natural thing in the world.
"I always suspected that you were secretly proud," she tells me grinning. "You know it was so strange for me when I saw you too, but then you were just about to turn into a primitive," she jokes.
I smile.
"When I heard that you were Colonel I was proud of you as well but then as soon as I saw those brown eyes that I loved so much I remember I actually felt sad because I missed those eyes. I missed you. But then I saw the way you looked at Sam and I knew that we could never go back to how we were. There was too much water under the bridge."
I nod softly.
"You've always held a special place in my heart Janet. Just because we couldn't be together it didn't mean that I stopped caring about you," I tell her wanting to let her know everything and reassure her in some way that she would never be forgotten.
"I knew that Jack from the very first day I saw you. I always could read you like a book," she reassures me.
"Yeah I remember," I reply smiling, remembering her ability of somehow being able to know what I was thinking or feeling. She probably knew me better than anyone on the base.
"Just like I know that you're angry with yourself right now and that you feel guilty. And like I know that you feel like you deserve that injury. I don't want you to be angry that you lived. Your life is worth something. I don't want you to wish it away."
"Your life was worth so much more," I tell her sadly.
"You all blame yourselves in some way. Sam, Teal'c and poor Daniel..."
"He's not doing too good," I tell her thinking of how withdrawn Daniel had been since her death, so haunted that he was there at her side when it happened.
"I know. Don't blame him Jack, there wasn't a thing he could have done," she tells me and I look down ashamed wondering if it was obvious that in a way I blamed Daniel for not doing all he could to protect her, even though deep down I know there's nothing he could have done.
"I know that. I just...I can't help thinking we should have done more to protect you and he was there...he was right there and he loved you but he couldn't protect you," I tell her finding it hard to deal with all the different emotions raging inside of me.
"No-one could have. I doubt even you could have. Don't do this to yourself or to him. Jack he's your friend. Probably even your best friend. You both need to help each other through this," she tells me, so much emotion evident on her face.
"I always wanted to protect you, you know? We all did. Me, Teal'c, Danny...the General...I guess we failed you."
"No you didn't. Of course you didn't," she tells me a little exasperatedly. " Did you know that even after I'd gone Daniel held me just so that if I was still alive I wouldn't die alone? That wasn't failing me. You sat for hours with me after I was gone saying your goodbyes to me even though you were injured and in so much pain, that wasn't failing me. Teal'c gave Sam words to say at my memorial, that wasn't failing me. None of you failed me. Death's a part of life. It's a part of the military and our battle against the Goa'uld. None of you failed me because you couldn't protect me. No-one could have known."
"Sam's in pieces," I then comment quietly thinking back to how Sam had sobbed in my arms when I was recovering at the SGC because of losing Janet and seeing me injured. I hate that she had to see me get hit like that. But then at least she still gets to see me alive and kicking. Daniel has to live with the fact that Janet died in front of his eyes.
She nods.
"I know she is. God I miss her. At least I can keep an eye on her from where I am, but she can't even know that I'm doing that. She can't even know that I'm with her when she's crying for me like she has been. She was my best friend. To not be able to comfort her...it's so hard. This is all so hard," she tells me tearfully.
I walk over to her and put a hand on her shoulder. She rests her head against it.
"I'm sure she knows that wherever you are you're watching over her and I'll keep an eye on her for you I promise."
"I know you will. You love her and she loves you. She needs you right now so much and I think you need her too," she tells me knowingly.
I look at my feet.
"My feelings for Carter...they don't make what I felt for you any less meaningful," I say softly looking right into her eyes as I say it, hoping that she can see how much I mean it.
"I knew you loved her since the very first day I saw you both together. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy Jack. I was just happy to have you there. I accepted a long time ago that you had feelings for Sam, but like you said it doesn't make what I felt for you any less meaningful. Neither does the fact I cared for Daniel."
"I knew you liked Danny boy," I tease, grinning sheepishly.
She blushes.
"He liked you too. A lot."
I can see her look at me sadly as she thought of all the things she was missing out on and leaving behind.
"I'll miss him. It meant so much that he was there when...if it couldn't have been you then I'm glad it was him."
"I'll have to tell him that," I comment, though realizing that no one would believe me even if I told them about whom I was talking to tonight.
"Oh god Jack, Cass.... please will you look out for my little girl for me? I'll always be with her but where I am, I can't do a thing. She needs someone here...she needs..." she starts hysterically.
Her face falls as she thinks of her daughter and how she's had to leave her behind. I can see tears forming behind those brown eyes, which always had been so full of depth.
"Cass needs you Jack. She needs Sam but she needs you too. You have to be strong for her. You've always been like her surrogate father and right now I'm so worried about my little girl," she admits to me crying.
I walk over to her and pull her into my arms and its really as if I can feel her. For a moment I rock her gently but when the pain gets too much I stop and just hold her tightly.
"Anytime Cass needs me I'll be right there," I whisper into her hair. " You never have to worry about that. She's a lovely young woman. You did so well raising her," I tell her, so proud of Janet for taking on the responsibility of raising Cassandra.
"We all played a part in raising her," she argues modestly.
"But you were her mother. You took care of her every day. She loved you to bits. She told me just today that you meant the world to her. As far as she was concerned she had two mothers. Her mother on Hanka, and you and she misses you more than you can ever imagine," I reassure her thinking back to earlier that day when Sam had brought Cassandra to mine and we had spoken about Janet, the teenager finding the grief hard to cope with having already lost one mother, and now her adoptive mother too.
"I'm pretty sure I can imagine. I miss her so much Jack. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. I wanted children ever since...and then Cass came along...and it was good, hard but good. I wouldn't change adopting her for the world."
I look at the floor.
"When I saw you with Cass and saw how natural you were with her I just felt....I kept thinking of Phoebe and how great a mom you would have been to her and then I kept thinking of how selfish I was after she died. You would have made a wonderful mother to our little girl," I tell her honestly.
"And you would have made a wonderful father. Promise me if Cass needs you..."
"I'll be there," I reassure her.
"I know you will. I just wanted to make sure that was what you wanted, and to let you know that it's what I want too. I want you to be around for Cass.. I want you to be a father figure if she needs one," she tells me walking away from me and leaning back against the wall, wiping her eyes.
"You really trust me to be a father figure to her? The man who eats fruit loops and has an attention span that probably rivals that of a goldfish?" I ask her smiling a little.
"I really do. You're a good man Jack O'Neill, whether you believe me when I say it or not."
"Did you want to make sure because I wasn't there when you needed me?" I then ask her, my voice full of regret. "Jan you know how sorry I am about that. If I could turn back the clock..."
"Would you?" she asks.
I think for a moment and then nod.
"You were in pieces but instead of giving you all the support and care you deserved I just shut myself of. It wasn't fair of me and it wasn't right. I loved you. I should have helped you through it. I should have let us do it together but you know me, I'm stubborn as hell," I tell her honestly.
She smiles.
"Like I said it is water under the bridge now. I guess things worked out how they were meant to. We both ended up at the SGC. Our teams have helped save Earth and I've helped save lives. If we had stayed together maybe we wouldn't have even ended up at the SGC and what would have happened to SG-1 then? It's been a pretty wild ride," she tells me smiling.
I nod in agreement.
"You know I never asked but I always wondered... After I left...how was life? I never asked before how you managed to deal with things and I should have."
She smiles softly.
"I got on okay. It was hard; I can't pretend that it wasn't. I carried her for nine months and she died when she was just two hours old. It was so hard to let the little girl we'd felt move inside of me and kick and hiccup go. Then we drifted apart. Every day I could see you hurting, but you weren't able to open up to me. I just wanted you to grieve and I wanted to help you...but you pushed me away. And then you left and I had to deal with it all on my own...but I got through it. I took each day as it was and gradually I found the will to keep going and to forgive you for that. And then I found my way to the SGC. How about you?"
"I was angry with myself for not being there for you like I should have been and for leaving, but too scared to go back. I was angry that I couldn't open up to the woman that I loved. I was angry at life and with God for taking another child away from me. I was grieving for my daughter and missing you. I got drunk a lot. Got a little reckless.... but I got through it too and here I am. Your forgiveness meant a lot. There wasn't a day that went by when I didn't think of you both."
"I don't doubt it. I still thought about you a lot too," she admits.
We both stand in silence for a moment and for a split second I think she's gone, but then I turn around and she's still standing there. A lonely ghost helping an old man say goodbye.
"Did it hurt?" I then ask her quietly as I notice her hand rest on her side where she was hit, knowing that this conversation can't last forever, but trying to make it last as long as I can, not wanting to say goodbye to her again.
"No. It didn't have time to hurt, as soon as I was hit that was it. It was all so quick. I barely felt anything at all. Maybe a little pain but then I was numb...and then I was gone. I didn't suffer. Not like you are now. That was a nasty hit you took."
I put a hand on my side and nod.
"As soon as I came round in the infirmary I knew something was wrong. It didn't feel right in there. It was like something was missing. And then I saw one of the nurses crying, and Daniel ...Daniel was crying...and Sam…and then I just knew."
"Yeah it must have been weird not having me there with my needles," she jokes trying to lighten the mood.
"I'm not ready for you to be gone Jan. Why couldn't you fight? Why did you have to leave us?"
She walks over to me and puts a finger over my lips to quiet me.
"Jack you have to accept that physically I am gone. Nothing can be done to bring me back. This is it. This is the end. I didn't want to go. I don't want to leave you all but it's what was meant to be," she tells me tearfully.
"But I need you..."
"And I'll always be there when you do, in your heart and your memory. I'll be at your side even if you can't see me. I'm gone Jack."
"But then why come tonight? Why do this? How is it even possible?" I ask her.
"I said I'd be there if you needed me and tonight you did. Jack you're going to do fine. You have your friends and now you know how I felt about you. You don't have to doubt that anymore and you don't have to carry the burden about all the things that could have been. I don't want you to remember me and be upset."
"But so many of our memories involve grief," I comment sadly.
"Yeah...but then we had a lot of good ones too didn't we? I want you to remember those. I want you to remember all the times we wound each other up at the SGC. I don't want you to remember me being brought back in a body bag or to keep thinking about the what ifs, it'll destroy you."
I look away from her again.
"This isn't easy for me either you know? I have to watch you all grieve and while I'm so honoured that so many people thought so highly of me and even loved me...what do you think it's like to look down on all the people I care about and not be able to do anything to comfort them? I've accepted it was my time, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't rather be here with all of you, living my life."
"I know," I reply not knowing what else to say.
We both stand in silence again and I know that soon she'll be gone.
"I will always love you Jack O'Neill. It doesn't matter that we couldn't admit to people about our past, or that we didn't pursue a relationship again. Nothing could change that I loved you. I want you to know that."
I can feel tears welling up behind my eyes as I realize that this is the goodbye I should have said the day that she had left us.
"And I loved you too. I'm so proud of you. I wanted you to know that. And I wanted you to know that I'm sorry things couldn't have been different. But at least we still had each other's company for seven years. No number of injections or wise cracks could ever change the fact that I loved every minute. Your death...it was a huge loss to the SGC...and to me. We're honoured to have had you in our lives."
"Ditto," She replies. "Jack...you will see me again one day...When it's your time. Phoebe and I will be waiting for you. She's the most gorgeous little girl. She has her daddy's smile. Any time you're lonely or you think of me....know that our daughter and I will be looking down on you with all the love in the world. You don't need to be lonely Jack and you don't need to worry about us. We're always with you" she tells me walking up to me and pulling my forehead down to her height and then kissing it softly.
Out of nowhere comes a gust of wind and then she's gone.
I look around at the roof, now empty apart from me and my telescope and feeling a little overwhelmed I sit back down and look at the stars. I don't think I'll ever really know if Janet was there with me that night, but I like to think so. She always was the kind of woman who would do anything she could to comfort the people she cared about. I just hope that wherever she now is, that she and Phoebe are at rest and that both know how much I love them and will continue to love them until we meet again.