Lazy Days at the 1-6
Disclaimer: Wolf keeps ignoring my requests to buy them, don't know why . . .
Pairing: Implied Olivia/Casey, Olivia/Alex, Olivia/Everyone. . . just kidding. No real pairings here, just jokes.
Notes: This fic was written in cooperation with Rainbowlife who provided many jokes and much inspiration. Couldn't have done it without her . . . It's written in response to Casey's particularly nasty demeanor as of late and is basically just insane. But hey, we had fun writing it, so that's what matters, LOL.
"What's up with Casey lately," Fin asked, attempting to balance a pencil, point first, on his desk. It was a slow day at the 1-6.
"Who knows," Munch remarked, watching is partner's unsuccessful attempts.
"I kept expecting her head to start spinning around Exorcist style the other night," Stabler said, taking interest in the conversation because he'd been wondering the same thing since the redhead's - um, former redhead's meltdown the previous night.
"I know, I was scared and I'm from the hood, that's saying a lot. So, what did you do to our ADA Olivia?" Fin stared the female Detective down, using his best interrogation techniques.
"Yeah, Olivia. You use all the hot water again or something?" Elliot grinned, leaning back in his chair.
"I am not sleeping with Casey," Olivia exclaimed, "why does everyone always think I'm gay??"
"It's the hair," Munch started.
"And the gun and the handcuffs," Fin continued.
"And you can't forget the shared looks of unrequited lust with our former ADA," Stabler finished. "Besides, you've resisted my charm all these years . . . so you gotta be gay."
Olivia just stared at her coworkers in shock, totally speechless.
"Sorry Liv, no straight woman can resist 'The Stabler'," Elliot boasted, stretching his muscled body out so that they could all get a better look.
"I'm not gay and I'm not sleeping with Casey," she yelled in frustration.
"But you were sleeping with Alex," Munch asked, eyeing Olivia over his ever present sunglasses.
"No I wasn't!"
"Sure Liv, we believe you . . ."
"Have you ever considered that maybe she just had PMS," she asked, still a little upset that everyone thought she was gay. She's not . . . well there was that one time in college with the Jell-O shots and baby oil . . . but that was beside the point! To hear them tell it she banged every female ADA that walked through the door. Carmichael, Southerland, Cabot, now Novak, the list went on and on.
"If it's PMS, then she's had it for the last three months, because she was a bitch the entire time Dani was here too," Fin argued.
"It's like I always say Fin, never trust something that bleeds for seven days straight and doesn't die," Munch added, his pessimistic attitude towards the female sex making itself known once again.
"What's that got to do with anything," Stabler asked, confused.
"I'm just saying. . ."
"Shut up Munch," Fin growled.
"Maybe she was just pissed because Olivia here didn't give her a goodbye fuck before she ran off to play with the Feds." Stabler grinned, pleased with himself for making his partner's jaw drop to the floor for the second time in five minutes.
"You're the one that plays softball with her Elliot. Maybe we should be asking you if you've been 'performing' up to par lately," Benson accused, glaring across the joined desks at Elliot.
"Hey, I resent that! I'm not sleeping with Casey and I never have trouble performing Liv," he teased, arching an eyebrow at her.
"What? She turn you down Elliot," Munch asked.
Elliot glared at the older Detective, but kept silent.
"Of course she did, because she's madly in love with ME," Munch exclaimed, drawing the stare of nearly everyone in the precinct.
"Yeah, right Munch. There's not enough Viagra in the state to help you," Fin said, chuckling at Munch's crestfallen expression. "Besides, I'm still convinced our ADA plays for the other team if you know what I mean."
"Maybe her vibrator broke," Liv volunteered, already seeing the conversation headed back around to her.
"Or maybe Olivia's harness broke," Elliot pointed out, ducking the thrown pencil that originated from the desk opposite his.
"I. Am. Not. Sleeping. With. The. ADA.," Olivia ground out through clenched teeth. "And I don't own a harness," she added as an afterthought, just to make sure they understood.
"That's not what Alex said," John smirked at the rapidly reddening woman, "in fact, Alex would say a whole lot once you got a couple of shots in her. You'd be amazed at the things she told us."
"Well . . . she . . . lied," Olivia sputtered, her face burning hot.
"I wonder what Casey would say if we got her drunk," Munch asked, directing the question to no one in particular.
"She would say that we're not sleeping together," Olivia yelled, a little too loud.
"Maybe you should . . ."
"Should what, Fin?" Benson glared at him icily.
"Sleep with her, maybe if she got laid, she wouldn't be such a bitch," Fin reasoned.
"You're pimping me out to the grumpy ADA," Olivia yelled incredulously. "What am I? The village bicycle??"
"Village bicycle? You implying that you've been ridden a lot Liv? Something you need to tell us," Fin asked, grinning mischievously.
"Fin!"
"Well you did sleep with Cassidy," Stabler pointed out.
"I was drunk! Am I ever going to live that down," she asked in the midst of various gagging sounds from the assembled detectives.
"No."
"No."
"Naw."
"Fuck," Olivia cursed, throwing her pen down in frustration. "Look guys, maybe it's not about sex. Maybe Branch finally realized that her office was bigger than his and made her switch," Olivia reasoned.
"That's plausible, that office is freaking huge," Munch added thoughtfully.
"I always wondered who she blew to get that office," Elliot said to himself. "Did she have it before Branch?"
"Man, don't go there," Fin threatened, disgusted by the prospects. Branch, Casey, and blew didn't belong in the same sentence.
"Come on guys," Olivia interrupted, attempting to keep her own lunch down and suddenly feeling the need to come to the defense of only other female in the unit. "Casey probably just misplaced her Alex voodoo doll again, she'll be back to the Case we all know and love when she finds it."
"Ah ha! You said love! So you are in a torrid lesbian affair with our tall, leggy ADA," Munch accused, pointing at Olivia. "Admit it!"
"I'm . . .," Olivia started to argue, but finally gave up, "oh fuck it." They wouldn't believe her anyways, so why waste her breath.
"She really got a Cabot voodoo doll Liv?" Fin looked a little disturbed by the prospect.
"Yep, last time she lost it she got Judge Taft kicked off the bench."
"Damn, I wondered what possessed her to take on a Judge," Fin said, shaking his head.
"If that's the case maybe she should lose it more often," Stabler commented.
Mumbled agreements arose around the room.
"Was she really that bad while I was gone," Olivia asked, a little happy with the prospect that the ADA may have missed her.
"You have no idea," Stabler answered.
"I thought her and Dani were going to get into a cat fight in the middle of the squad room," Munch elaborated.
"Are you serious?"
"Oh yeah, I was just getting ready to get some chips and beer for the show, but wonder boy there stopped em," Fin complained, pointing at Stabler.
"Hey, I was just protecting my partner," Stabler defended himself.
"From Casey?"
"Yeah, from Casey. You never know with red heads, they can be brutal," he sniffed, frankly a little sorry that he'd stopped the show himself.
"She's not a red head anymore," Liv commented.
"Yeah, this week. Next week, who knows?" Fin voiced what everyone else was thinking.
"Shhh, do you hear that," Munch asked.
"Shit, she's coming . . . everyone run!"
The four detectives bolted from the bullpen, ducking into the first empty room or closet they came to in an effort to hide from the approaching ADA.
"Hey guys," Casey exclaimed happily, walking into the squad room. Today was a good day. She'd won her case, made a defense attorney cry, and she'd finally found her Cabot voodoo doll. Nothing could snap the young ADA out of the good mood she was in.
She stopped abruptly when she noticed that all four desks were empty. She could've sworn she'd heard the detectives talking just before she'd walked in . . .
"Benson, Stabler. You finish that report yet," Cragen asked, walking out of his office with his nose buried in a file.
"Hey Captain Cragen," Casey offered, still perplexed by the missing detectives.
Cragen looked up and spotted the ADA, let out a very unmanly girly scream and ran back into his office, closing and locking his door.
Casey just stood there staring at the empty squad room and the locked door in confusion.
"Geez, what's up with everyone today," she said to herself, shaking her head and exiting the squad room.
END
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