Inej couldn't remember a time in her life where she had been as nervous as she was now. Not as an acrobat dangling above audiences on a thin length of wire, not climbing up an incinerator shaft, and not even while facing an assassin that was far deadlier than herself.
She sat on the windowsill of Kaz's old office at the Slat. Now that he did most of his business of the first floor, it had shifted into an expansive bedroom. One that they shared whenever she returned from a voyage. There were subtle decorations here and there to mark her presence. There was a vase of wild geraniums on the end table. She had brought them herself, of course. Kaz was not the type of boy—man to bring her flowers. She scarcely needed reminding that they weren't kids anymore, if they had ever been. Before, they had always achieved feats their elders had never dreamed possible all while acting far older than their actual ages. The difference now is that they had the looks to match and it was no longer acting.
Kaz sat on the bed with his bad leg propped up on a pillow. He was different than the Kaz she had first met. Not by leaps and bounds but he at least dropped his armor around her. She had hoped some of his edges would soften with his grudge fulfilled and his new purpose a slightly nobler one. Instead, he seemed harder. As if by exposing himself to her, had strengthened his defenses against others. He was shirtless and his well-defined muscles…saints. The attraction was as strong as ever. In his hands, he was flipping through Inej's ship logs of her last journey. She'd been gone about a month and would have been gone for longer if urgent news hadn't cut her voyage short.
"There isn't much more here, Inej," he said, looking up. His eyes took in the sight of her on the windowsill and she saw a half-smile on his lips, perhaps remembering all the times before that she had sat here feeding the crows. "What brought you back so soon?"
"Why? Would you prefer I stayed away longer?" She replied, stalling.
"Inej," he said flatly. "Tell me."
"Could you guess?" She felt her heart start to pound.
"If I wanted to waste both our time, I would have invited Jesper over for a round of cards," he said.
"Maybe I simply missed you," she stalled again. His eyes narrowed. It wasn't suspicion…more of an intense curiosity. She did not abandon her crusades to stop slavers on the whims of her emotions and they both knew it.
"Inej, just get the point," he pressed. Sensing the moment had come, she took a deep steadying breath.
"Kaz…" She didn't know how he was going to react and nerves were making it difficult to speak. "I'm…having a child."
Once the words were out, she became hyperaware of every sound in the room. The creak of the floorboards, the distant sound of reveling on the lower floors, the sounds of the city trickling in from the open window at her back. She made herself focus on his face. There was an initial panic and then, as if someone had slapped him, rage.
"We were careless," he spat. They'd only been intimate a handful of times throughout the years. Whenever their desire for each other had dulled the pain of their various wounds. Hers from the time in the Menagerie and his from the Reaper's Barge. This last time, they hadn't taken any precautions. She was sailing the next day and, in the activity, they had both forgotten about the medicine to prevent pregnancy.
"But what's done is done Kaz, we can't undo it," she said. She herself had mixed emotions. She had accepted that by staying with Kaz, she would likely never have children. It had saddened her but she also couldn't see herself being with anyone else anymore. No one understood her like Kaz. To suddenly have the impossible become possible? She was shocked but she could not deny that small light of joy that had taken root in her breast. She would be a mother. But would Kaz accept being a father? It stung to ask but the uncertainty was there. She felt like she was throwing herself over open space and wondering on the way down if there would be something to break the fall.
"We never planned for children, never wanted to them," he said. He had stood up from the bed and was pacing with an unusual frantic energy.
"You didn't want them. I respected that but don't assume I had the same feelings, Kaz," she said and raised her chin.
"Did you do this on purpose then?" He snapped. Her own anger sparked at that and she was on her feet with blinding speed.
"Don't you dare, Kaz," she hissed. "This is not a crime for you to be throwing accusations at me. We both forgot and we are both responsible." They met each other's eyes for a long moment. She saw his rage splintering as he broke contact first.
"A child is a weakness, Inej. You and I have too many enemies," he said, running trembling fingers through his already mussed hair.
"We have found ways to protect our weaknesses, Kaz," she responded. "We can find a way."
"I never planned for this, Inej."
"Then we start planning now. We have at least 8 months Kaz, I've seen you topple cities in less time," she said.
"I would prefer that to this," he muttered but it no longer had the bite of his fury behind it. Her anger was ebbing now that they had gotten past his temper. He made not further response but she saw his head tilt to the side and his eyes become unfocused in a familiar look. Kaz was scheming and, for once, she felt no trepidation for what her part would be.
"Congrats Inej!" Wylan was grinning as he stepped back from a hug. His happiness was infectious and Inej found that small light grow brighter. A smile rose to her own lips. Jesper stood behind Wylan. He hadn't been part of the hug. He was standing there with his jaw hanging open. They were all in the living room. The piano was tucked into a corner with its keys covered. Many a night had been spent with good friends and music in this room and now it bore witness to her news.
"Jesper?" Inej called.
"Kaz….is going to be a father?" He said, disbelieving. All of them, Inej included, seemed to freeze. It sounded so strange. It was a truth she realized she had not fully comprehended. She tried to picture him as she remembered her own father with his warmth and ever-present support. She couldn't. It was like trying to picture the Merchant Council betting on the Makker's Wheel in the Crow Club.
"You sure it wasn't some grisha on parem that put a baby in there?" Jesper asked.
"Jesper!" Wylan exclaimed. "It's none of your business!" Inej just gave him a look and he shrugged it away.
"But…I am curious…how did Kaz react?" Wylan asked, sheepish.
"He…was not as happy as you," she admitted. "But…he has a plan."
"A plan." Jesper said flatly. "For parenthood." He rolled his eyes. "Of course he does."
"You're not just here to tell us the news, are you?" Wylan inquired. Inej nodded.
"And what part do we have to play in Kaz's mad scheme?" Jesper didn't seem surprised to be involved.
"I need to stay here until the baby is delivered," she said. Before they could respond, "Without anyone knowing," she added.
"Why here? Why not the countryside?" Jesper asked.
"That was the mistake Pekka Rollins made," she said. Then she recalled they hadn't been there for that exchange on the day they brought Van Eck down. "Pekka's son was far enough to be safe but not close enough for him to call Kaz's bluff," she elaborated.
"But you'll go nuts being cooped up for that long," Jesper said, horrified. "Wylan's flute-playing is charming but after days of hearing his favorite tunes, you'll want to throw it, and him, into the canal." Wylan elbowed him in the stomach.
"I'll only come once I start to show and after that, I'll manage," she said with a shrug.
"And what happens once the baby is born?" Wylan wondered. Inej hesitated.
"I'll tell you when the baby is almost here," she said. "I'm already burdening you enough."
"Inej, we owe you our lives several times over, you could have my whole fortune if you asked," Wylan said. She was touched by his sincerity.
"Just spill it," said Jesper. He wasn't known for his patience.
"When the baby is born…he wants you and Jesper to adopt him or her."
"What?!" Both Wylan and Jesper shouted. Wylan was simply shocked but Jesper looked angry.
"He wants to give up his own kid?" Jesper questioned. His tone was dangerous.
"There are reasons," Inej continued.
"Let's hope they're good ones," Jesper said, still simmering.
"You know I would never abandon responsibility for my own child," she replied. She hoped every part of her was conveying the indignation she felt.
"It's not you I'm worried about," he replied. Wylan grasped Jesper's arm and gave it a gentle squeeze.
"What is his reasoning?" Wylan asked with a calming tone.
"Kaz and I both have a long list of enemies in Ketterdam," she began. "Nobody has touched either of us directly because of our reputations. But if word got out we had a child?"
Jesper nodded. "Prime target." Living in the nice part of the city hadn't dulled his wits when it came to the Barrel.
"While he or she is young, they'll be most vulnerable. If they have your name, Wylan, they'll have far more protection than what we could offer. When the child is older, they can choose their own name," she finished.
"What about the Wraith and your voyages?" Jesper asked.
"For now Specht is going to make it look like I've gone on a long voyage," she said. "And after that, they'll be less frequent but I won't be giving it up."
"And what about Kaz?" Jesper asked. His gaze was pointed and she knew what he meant. What part would Kaz play? Would he share the responsibility?
"He'll be here," she said with more confidence than she felt. If Jesper sensed it, he didn't press.
"So will you help?" Inej asked.
"Of course we will," Wylan said and gave her another hug. Not for the first time, Inej felt grateful her saints had brought her such good friends.
8 months later
Jesper wandered down to the boathouse looking for some peace after the eventful day. It was too much, even for him. The baby was born and Inej was resting. Kaz had been absent. He wanted to be angry but he'd seen for himself how unhinged Kaz could become when Inej was in pain. He walked up to the door to find it unlocked and opened a crack.
Immediately alert, Jesper braced himself against the door and slowly drew it open. Light from a small source leaked through the opening. A lantern, probably. He drew one of his pistols that he now kept hidden inside his shirts, it was unseemly to be carrying pistols in this part of the city, and cautiously peered around the door. He let out a breath and stepped into the boathouse, replacing his pistol.
"If you're here for the party, it just ended," Jesper said. Kaz sat next to the lantern, turned slightly away. It cast his face cast in shadow and Jesper couldn't make out his expression.
"Is she alright?" He asked quietly.
"Both of the shes as a matter of fact," he smiled to himself recalling the pronouncement. "A bouncing baby girl." Kaz didn't immediately reply. Instead, Jesper heard a slow exhale. It sounded like the kind of breath you release when you're about to do something very difficult.
"Kaz, it's a baby. Not a Fjerdan firing squad," he said.
"If I had asked for your input, Jesper, I'd be jumping in front of the firing squad," Kaz replied coolly. He stood up but made no move to go inside. Despite the insult, Jesper could sensesomething off about Kaz. It felt like he wanted to say something. He waited even though he felt his patience fraying. The blasted idiot should just go see his daughter already.
"Do you know what the R stands for?" Kaz finally asked. Jesper knew what he was talking about. The mysterious tattoo Kaz had.
"No, I don't think I was ever in the Secrets of Kaz Brekker club," Jesper said. Despite everything they'd been through, Kaz still kept him at a distance from his personal life.
"It's not Brekker. It's Rietveld," Kaz replied.
"Wait, you mean like the merch my dad pretended to be? That wasn't a made-up name?" He asked, shocked.
"It was a boy's name. The boy I used to be before Ketterdam killed him," he replied. Jesper didn't know what to say. Kaz had never talked about his past with him. The sudden revelation left him gaping in disbelief.
"I don't remember my father," Kaz continued. "I just remember that he died and left his two gullible, naïve sons to be skinned alive."
"You're being awfully vague, Kaz," he said. "But I reckon your da didn't plan on kicking it early."
"I mean, Jesper, that I've learned everything there is to know about this city by clawing my way up covered in blood," he said.
"I'm sorry, was that supposed to clarify?" Jesper cursed himself for his mocking tone. Kaz was telling him more about himself than he ever had, did he really want him to shut up because he couldn't keep from making a wisecrack?
"I don't know what I'm doing, Jesper." He spat suddenly. "I have no warm, cozy memories of childhood. All I have is blood and pain. I don't even know how to learn what it takes to be…" he hesitated as if not quite believing it himself, "…a father."
Jesper wanted to laugh but he reined it in at the last second. Kaz would never talk to him like this again if he messed this up. But it was so hard. Kaz may be the most cunning son of bitch this city had ever seen but it was so satisfying to see that, in this instance, he was clueless.
Keeping the laughter out of his voice Jesper said, "Kaz, you don't learn this by breaking in and spying, it's not intelligence to be gathered. My da was an orphan. There was no one to teach him how to be a father. He learned by doing. He made mistakes with me but I never doubted that he was looking out for me. You try your best, make mistakes, and do better."
Kaz was silent for a long time. So long that Jesper began to wonder if he really did mess up and say the wrong thing.
"Thanks," it was the softest whisper he'd ever heard but Jesper caught it. Caught it and cradled it like his own newborn. Kaz had thanked him. Without waiting for a response, Kaz finally exited the boat house leaving a stunned Jesper behind.
Kaz stood outside the door to the room Wylan had given Inej for the past few months. He thought over what Jesper had said. He learned by doing. He knew that. The hours and hours he'd spent as an innocent child practicing his magic tricks hadn't been learned from a book. He figured it out after failing time and again. He wouldn't say anything more beyond his whispered thanks but he was grateful for Jesper's reminder. He'd been out of his mind this past month knowing that any day he could be right where he was. Standing on the other side of the door from the one thing he'd never saw coming. A child. His child. His daughter. He'd been obsessed with figuring out how to do this right. He wouldn't-couldn't leave this all to Inej even though she seemed so much more confident than him. More than that, she was happier than he'd ever seen her. She had wanted this, a child, but she would have gone without. For him. It bothered him to no end that her greatest happiness had been an accident: the carelessness of two people who were hardly ever able to be together in the first place.
His thoughts turned again to what lay beyond the door while he stood frozen like a coward on the other side. He was terrified. His hair hadn't looked right for a long while but today he had mussed it beyond any hope of straightening it with his fingers. He ran a hand through it yet again. He should just go in and get it over with. But it wouldn't be over, would it? This thing-being a father was just beginning. Beyond the fear of messing up and not knowing what he was doing, there was one uncertainty that made his blood run cold. Would he even be able to touch her?
Even being intimate with Inej when they could overcome their pain, he always ended up retching and getting faint the longer he laid next to her. Would his weakness extend even to his own child?
What kind of father could he ever be if he couldn't even hold his child without wanting to faint? Would he forever have to hold her with gloved hands? He didn't want to find out. That, more than anything, was what kept him rooted to the floor. His fear wouldn't let him get any further.
"Kaz," Inej called. It startled him, but it shouldn't have. His Wraith could sense his presence like no one else. Carried forward by the sound of her voice, Kaz opened the door. He hadn't known what he had expected to see. The things he'd heard of childbirth described women looking either like the had gone through hell and back or radiant with some otherworldly glow. It was all nonsense, he could see now. Inej looked like Inej. Tired and giving the impression she had raced the wind over the rooftops from one side of Ketterdam to the other but not hellish. She sat propped up on pillows and in her arms was a bundle of blanket. She looked at him and he realized the radiant part hadn't been a total lie. That was the only word he could use to describe the look in her eyes. Radiant joy. He was stunned by the intensity of the emotion. She was as happy as he was scared. Just another thing that was wrong with him.
"Come here, Kaz," she called again. He realized he had only stepped into the room only to freeze again just inside. He turned and shut the door behind him before approaching her bedside. He caught a glimpse of her then. She had the same dark Suli skin as Inej but more wrinkled. She was quiet as her dark eyes flickered around. Inej opened her mouth to speak but Kaz, knowing what she was going to say, cut her off.
"What are you going to name her?" He asked. She gave him a knowing look but responded anyway.
"What are we going to name her, you mean," she corrected. When Kaz nodded, she said, "Jordie."
Kaz's vision clouded. No, not that name. He opened his mouth to argue, but this time it was Inej who cut him off.
"Kaz, how long did you clutch your grudge against Pekka? How long did you fan the flame of your revenge with your brother's name carved into your heart? It was the most important thing in your life. You put vengeance for your brother above everything else," she didn't give him time to answer and continued on, "I want this name as a promise that you'll hold her just as close as your grudges, that you'll put her above everything else, and as a reminder that you were a child once too."
"I—" Kaz began. He wanted to deny it. To say that she would be important and that he would protect her but fear clutched his throat and cut off the words. Inej was confident. She knew so much more than he did about all this. But he realized, with a pang of guilt, that there was one part of all this that she had never been certain of: him. What would Kaz Brekker, the infamous Dirtyhands, the most vicious boss in the Barrel do with the responsibility of fatherhood? Would he run from it? Abandon her? She was right to demand that name and the promise that came with it. He nodded his agreement without any further discussion. Inej smiled down at their daughter.
"Jordie," she said softly. "May the Saints protect you."
Then she looked back at Kaz. "Would you like to hold her?" She held her—Jordie out to him.
He tensed again. Could he? Should he? His hands were so bloody with death that, regardless of his weakness, it felt wrong to hold something so innocent and uncorrupted.
"My arms are getting tired." Startled, he took her without thinking. He had been so focused on his own thoughts and like a distracted pigeon was more susceptible to suggestion and followed his subconscious response.
His hands were bare but the blanket kept him from touching her skin. She was so light. She barely weighed anything at all. Certainly not more than his cane. She stared up at him. Her eyes midnight black, just like her dark-eyed parents. He felt his hands trembling as he clutched her tight. Too tight. He relaxed his grip. Now that the moment was here, he had to know. He shifted her weight to one arm and raised his hand to hover over her. He pointed his index finger towards her face and then realized the absurdity of it. What was he going to do? Poke her? Like a child testing the heat of a pan not knowing whether it would burn? Not knowing what to do next, Jordie made the choice for him. She reached up her tiny hand and grasped his finger.
He waited for the nausea, the faintness, to see the water rise, and to feel the press of corpses. He felt a cold sweat break out on his forehead but…that was it. Moments passed. So many that Kaz really did start to feel faint but not because of his weakness because he had been holding his breath the entire time. He let the breath out but somewhere between brain signals, it came out as a laugh instead. That one laugh was like the weevils in Van Eck's sugar silos. It hissed out of him slowly at first and the grew to a flood. He knew he looked insane. Holding his daughter while laughing so hard his abdomen began to hurt but he couldn't stop. When they finally petered out, Kaz found he felt better than he had in months—no, years. He was going mad.
"We can do this together Kaz," Inej said. He met her eyes and the moment held. Him holding their daughter while she leaned into her pillows, exhausted.
"For now," he said while he used his free hand to draw the blanket up to Inej's shoulders. "I'm fine by myself." He was surprised to find he actually believed it. "Rest, Inej."
They had placed a rocking chair in the corner of the room. He sat down in it and began to rock back and forth using his good leg while Jordie lay nestled in his arms. Inej watched them for a while but eventually gave in and fell asleep. Jordie fell asleep not long after. He looked at the both of them and realized that, once again, Kaz had a family. This time, he felt that even if he had no clue what he was doing, he swore he would protect it.
6 months later
"I think the Mermaid's Lair is still taking in indentures despite your warnings, Kaz," Inej said. She stood at the foot of the bed, frowning. The room they were in had been dedicated by Wylan to Jordie. It had a bed for Inej who was still nursing Jordie and a crib though she hardly ever used it. She preferred to keep her baby close while she slept. Kaz sat with his back propped up by the headboard with his legs stretched out in either direction. Between them sat Jordie. She wasn't able to sit up on her own yet so she needed the support. Above her head, Kaz dangled circular toy with colorful strips of cloth. Her tiny hands reached for it, her fists opening and closing. But each time her tiny fingers brushed the toy, she fell forward and Kaz had to pick her back up.
"Then I'll send some of the Dregs to make good on the warnings," he said distractedly.
"But that won't change anything. We need to get them caught," she replied. She was also trying to keep her mind on the conversation but she was fascinated by the sight of Kaz and Jordie. Kaz with his slender fingers completely exposed playing with their child.
"Then we set a trap." He finally let Jordie have the toy but she abandoned it in favor of Kaz's smallest finger. Her teeth were growing in and her incessant, unexplained crying had led them to understand that she needed something hard to chew on to relieve the feeling. She was not surprised when Jordie started munching away on Kaz's finger. What surprised her was that Kaz let her. There was a tenderness there that wasn't present even with her. She didn't understand why he was able to overcome his weakness so easily with Jordie anymore than Kaz did but she thanked her Saints every day. She sensed it had made all the difference in Kaz.
"I'll expect you to plan it then," she said. She felt tired and wanted to sleep.
"I will." He picked Jordie up and laid her next to him on the bed as he shifted his weight so his head lay on the pillow.
"You're staying here tonight?" She asked hopefully. They hadn't spent a night together in over a year. He always took off for the Slat when evening came.
"Just until she falls asleep," he replied. So Inej, in her bedclothes, laid down on Jordie's other side. She gently stroked her daughter's head for several heartbeats until her own eyes shut and she fell asleep.
Sometime later, Inej woke up. The room was dark and only the light from the moon peeking through their window provided any illumination. It revealed a sight more precious to her than any moment in her life so far. Kaz had fallen asleep. He lay on his side facing her. The lines on his face were relaxed and it aged him in reverse. His arms were curled in front of him around Jordie. She slept soundly against his chest. For all the world they looked like a normal father and daughter and that was more than Inej had ever hoped for.
9 years later
Jordie was sitting with her father at the small table in her room at Uncle Wylan's house. On the table's surface were the inner mechanisms of a dozen different types of locks. Jordie had been tasked by her father to put the locks back together. The first few she tried presented no difficulty but they were also the simplest which is why she had chosen them first. This lock…she was stuck. She fiddled with it a bit more before looking up at her da. He had a distant look in his eyes and a curious tilt to his head that she'd heard his friends call his "scheming face". He was probably thinking about his work. From what she knew, her da was a Barrel boss. The scariest one there was. She wasn't sure she believed it. She'd never even been to the Barrel. Her parents wouldn't let her even though she knew all the best places to go from her studies of the maps of Ketterdam. She knew that the two of them had some kind of operation going on where bad people who sold other people like cattle ended up in that prison island, Hellgate.
Besides, would a big scary Barrel boss spend hours with his daughter every other night teaching her all sorts of cool tricks? He'd taught her everything from lockpicking, to fighting, to acting, and even magic tricks! That's not the stuff Uncle Wylan's tutors taught her. They had her learning reading, writing, arithmetic, and music. Which was fun in its own way but nothing was as exciting as her lessons with her da. When he was paying attention, that is. She waited patiently until his eyes came back into focus and he noticed her again.
"I'm stuck," she said. He glanced down at the pieces of lock in her hands.
"You've got some of the wrong pieces," he said. His voice always reminded her of flint on whetstone, giving off a spark of warmth every now and again. He rummaged in the pile of lock components for a second and withdrew the pieces she was missing. He plucked the ones she didn't need from her workspace.
"Can you show me again?" She asked. Half because she wanted the refresher and half because she loved to watch his hands. They were so quick! She needed to practice more. If only she could be that fast! He sighed but took the pieces when she offered them. His movements precise, her da assembled the lock in less than a minute. He handed it back to her.
"Take it apart again," he said. She started to work again while he sat watching. Then there was a knock at the door. Uncle Jesper opened it without waiting for a response. She never minded but she knew her father did. He paused when he saw her da.
"Kaz, so nice of you to drop in and say hi," he said drily. Her father often came and went to her bedroom without a word to any of the mansion's other occupants.
"Hi," her father replied in a flat voice. "What is it?"
"I've just received a message from a runner that the Wraith has tied down at its berth," he said. Jordie dropped the lock and clapped her hands, suddenly excited. Her mother was home! She'd been gone for a while this time. Six whole months! She hadn't seen her mother in half a year!
"I want to go see her!" She said. She stood up from her chair ready to go down to the docks right that very minute.
"No," her father said behind her. His tone had hardened.
"Kaz, surely she's old enough now. Just take down there and let her see her mom," Uncle Jesper argued.
"Get out, Jesper," her da replied. It was harsh, even to her ears. Uncle Jesper just shrugged and left, closing the door behind him.
"But da, he's right. I am old enough! I know all the routes to get there safely," she said.
"There's nothing safe in the Barrel. You're not going. You can wait until your mother comes here." He left her no more room for argument. He picked up his cane and his hat and made his way to the window. "You can do what you want until then," he said before he exited the same way he had come. That was her da, never one to say goodbye.
But Jordie couldn't accept it. She could wait for her mother but who knew how long it would take to get her ship in order before she could come see her. For once, she wanted to be down there watching her mother command her crew and see all the people she'd saved and the goods she'd stolen from the bad guys. Her mother lived another life out there on the sea and she wanted to see even just a little part of it. She went to the window and looked out. Her father had vanished. She didn't think she could climb down like he did. She wasn't even sure how he did it. She would have to sneak out through the garden on the 1st floor.
She went to her dresser and pulled out an outfit that looked less, well, rich then the floral dress she was wearing. She shucked it off and pulled on the plain looking blouse and trousers. She put a belt at her waist and attached the two sheaths with the daggers her mother had given her. Over this she put a loosely fitting coat that hid the daggers from view.
It was easy work slipping out of the house because most of their security was about keeping people out. She passed through the garden and out onto the street without a soul from the mansion noticing. She struck out in the direction of the docks to see her mother at last.
Kaz was panicking. It wasn't a feeling he got often and he didn't welcome it. Jordie had snuck out of the mansion. He had been halfway to the Slat when Jesper caught up to him. He'd told Kaz that he'd gone to get her for dinner and she was gone. They had split up to find her. Kaz cursed himself. Why didn't he see that she'd try something like this? Why hadn't she listened to him? He was going out of his mind with worry. He hated it. Hated that he understood now exactly how Pekka had felt when he'd bluffed him into imagining his son buried alive. He was now imagining every possible thing that could happen to his daughter in the Barrel. He controlled his territory with an iron grip but there were plenty of other places where crime continued as usual. Besides, he wasn't the Stadwatch. He couldn't have his people out patrolling and enforcing the law. He'd have mutiny.
Kaz knew what route Jordie would take having gone over the maps of Ketterdam with her himself. But would he get to her before someone else did? He quickened his pace. His was coming up on the area of the Barrel that bordered the harbor. He glanced down every alley he passed searching for a small girl with Suli skin and long black hair. Nothing. He was almost to the harbor and beginning to wonder if she had made it safely by herself after all when he heard the sounds of a scuffle down one of the alleys. He stepped closer to investigate and halted. His panic evaporated and calm, cold fury took its place. It took him seconds to assess the situation.
There was Jordie. She had her back to the wall with a dagger in each hand. Her face was bruised and her lip was bleeding. There were three men surrounding her. Keeping their distance with eyes on her knives but it was obvious they didn't consider her much of a threat. There was a fourth man who stood apart holding his nose as it gushed blood. They looked foreign but in the gloom of the alley, he couldn't tell from where. From the way they stood, he knew they weren't from Ketterdam.
He rapped his cane on the brick beneath his feet. Three of the men whirled towards him but one of the men closest to Jordie kept his eyes on her.
"Move along," one the men said. His accent was Ravkan. "Is none of your business."
"On the contrary, it is my business," Kaz took a step closer. Jordie looked over at him, eyes wide. Keep your eyes on the man in front of you! He wanted to snap. "You boys seem new in town and I'd like to offer you some advice."
He took another step closer until he stood only a few feet from the man with the broken nose. They took in his cane and his limp and he could see them relax slightly. That changed when he whipped his cane up and smashed it into the nearest man's face. Bone crunched and the man fell to the ground screaming. One of the men stayed near Jordie but the other two came at him, outraged. They were about the same height but one was slightly broader in the shoulders and bearded. The broad one took a swing at his head but Kaz had seen it coming before he'd even moved his arm. He ducked under the his fist and swung his cane at the man's knee. Coming in sideways, the blow dislocated the joint and the man toppled as Kaz stepped back. The thinner man took a minute to size him up and reevaluate his approach. But Kaz wasn't in the mood to wait. Before the man could get his bearings, Kaz had struck the man in the stomach. While he doubled over, Kaz cracked his cane across the man's back. He also fell in a painful heap. The last man looked from Jordie to him. He must have decided she wasn't worth it and turned to flee. Kaz didn't let him. He palmed a knife and let it fly from his hand to strike the man in the leg. The man fell and scrambled to turn back towards Kaz, clutching at the wound. Kaz surveyed the injured men.
"Who did it?" His fury made each word cold and hard.
"Did what?" Asked the man he'd knifed. His words were laced with pain and fear. Kaz pointed to Jordie's face where the bruise took up most of her cheek. The men all pointed to the man with the broken nose who was struggling to sit up, his jaw out of line with his face. Kaz approached him. The man's eyes were terrified and clouded with pain. It wasn't good enough to satisfy Kaz's rage.
"Which hand?" He asked. The man shook his head. Kaz brought his cane down on man's legs. The man screamed. "Which hand?" He repeated. At last, the man held out his right hand. He could see a smear of blood on his knuckles. Jordie's blood. The dark red consumed his vision. From his shirt he pulled another knife. It was wicked sharp. In one smooth movement, he cut the hand off. It dropped to the ground with a thump and the man fainted. His companions uttered horrified gasps.
"When coming to Ketterdam, your first step should be to find the nearest tavern and ask what monsters lurk in the alleyways. Here's a friendly warning," he kicked one of the men trying to rise in the ribs. "I'm one of them."
With that, he turned back towards Jordie. She stood frozen, silent in that same position. Her eyes fixed on the mutilated hand in disbelief. He started towards her and her eyes snapped to him. He saw terror there. She was afraid of him. He pushed the thought away. There'd be time to think about it later. He grabbed her by the wrist and dragged her from the alley. He only paused once when she doubled over and wretched. Then he was pulling her again. She was hurt, scared, and still in shock and she stumbled behind him. He heard her quiet sobs and could imagine the tears running down her face without turning to look. Still, he kept going with a quick pace. He led her the rest of the way to the harbor. He passed towers of crates and dockworkers busy with running cargo to and from ships. They arrived at the Wraith's berth and he led Jordie down it. People, mostly children, were walking down the gangplank. People Inej had saved. Seeing his expression, they made room for him as he walked up and boarded the ship. He searched for Inej and found her at the prow talking with Specht. As he approached, she cut off and stared at him in bewilderment. It quickly turned to concern as her gaze slid past him and landed on Jordie.
"Kaz? Jordie? What-?" He dropped Jordie's wrist and pushed her towards Inej. Then he left without a word.
Inej didn't know what to make of the situation. She carefully led Jordie to the privacy of her cabin, sat her on her cot, and then held her until the sobbing subsided. Inej was aware that at least two quarters of an hour had passed. She hoped that Specht could handle the ship operations on his own even though there was so much to do after such a long voyage. She took in Jordie's swollen eyes, bruised face, and split lip and decided she had more important things to worry about.
"Jordie, what happened?"
"I…wanted to see you," she started. "So…I snuck out of the mansion and came." She took a deep breath. "Da had said no but…" A small sob. "I didn't listen." Inej agreed with Kaz's decision. Jordie should have listened. However, she knew better than to say so. Jordie needed a listening ear right now as she suspected Kaz had more than covered the anger.
"I was almost to the harbor when four men grabbed me and dragged me into the alley. I remember what you taught me and I broke one of their noses. But I was cornered, ma, and I was so scared. One of the punched me in the face. I had your daggers but I don't really know how to use them yet. I didn't know what to do. And then…" Her eyes began to tear again. "Da came," she whispered. She saw the horror in Jordie's eyes and recalled her own memories of Kaz's brutality in times past. Whatever he'd done to put that look in their daughter's eyes, she knew it hadn't been pleasant. It suddenly made sense to her why he'd just left. He'd never had to explain himself before. Certainly not to Inej. Why did he have to take his violence to such excess? He'd only ever tell her that he wasn't a good person, that he was a monster without redemption. But that wouldn't be enough for Jordie. How could he get her to understand that about him? About the things that he'd done?
"Jordie," she began, "when you talk to your father, I want you to ask him something."
Jordie looked away. "I don't know if I'm ready to talk to him."
"You will be. I think he'll be waiting for you," she replied.
"But ma, he hates me. I know it. He was so mad and he…he…" she trailed off. The tears were running down her face again.
"He's mad at himself, Jordie. Do you want to know why?" Jordie nodded. "Then ask him what your name means."
"Isn't it just his brother's name?"
"You'll see," she said. "Just ask."
Jordie returned to the mansion with her mother later that night. After see her to the door, her mother vanished into the darkness. She didn't want to go up to her room right away. She didn't want to see the pile of locks that she'd been working on with her da earlier that day. She had been so fascinated with his hands, how much bigger and faster they were. Now all she could see was his hand with a dagger in it slicing that man's hand off. Instead, her footsteps led her to the boathouse by the canal. She opened the door and found that her father had been waiting for her, just not where she expected. She hesitated and wondered if he'd noticed her and if she could just sneak away back up to her room. Despite what her mother had said, she didn't feel ready to talk to him. Just as she began to inch backward, she heard him shift to face her. His dark eyes glinted in the dark, a lantern by his side. The look in his eyes today had been one of the scariest things she had seen. So cold and dark and angry. So much anger. Seeing his eyes made her flinch. He saw it and, for a moment so fleeting, she could see pain and then he looked away. That decided her. Ready or not, there were things between them that needed to be said. Putting it off would only make it harder to talk to each other. Despite everything, she knew she still wanted her da. Instead of backing away, she came further in and sat next to him on the floorboards. They sat in silence and she would have given anything to know what he was thinking. Would he start? Or would she have to break it?
"What does 'Jordie' mean to you?"
Kaz heard the question and could sense his Wraith was behind it. She always knew exactly where to press to make his emotions run amok. Well he'd been a riot of emotions all day and the query could hardly make it worse. He'd been replaying the events in the alley over and over again. Saw the terror in Jordie's eyes when she looked at him. Felt his own anguish in response and his fury at himself. He let this happen. He should have known better, planned better. Where was his scheming intellect now? When had he abandoned it and trusted that Jordie would listen to him no matter what? His judgement had been clouded and the bruise on Jordie's face and the fear she now had of him were the consequences. He was so sure that she hated him, that he had irreparably damaged their relationship, that he'd ruined even the possibility of being a decent father, that he'd wanted to hurt himself for his stupidity. He had wanted to brawl, to fight and get hit. But instead, his feet, both good and bad, had carried him here. To see if there was anything left for him in Jordie's life. When she had opened the door, he allowed a glimmer of, not hope, but possibility into his thoughts. Then she had flinched when he'd looked at her and it died. She had surprised him by sitting next to him and he realized he didn't know what to say. He had no words for her. The silence had stretched on and on until she had broken it.
"What does 'Jordie' mean to you?" He felt the words rise to his tongue, I made a promise to your mother, but he didn't start there.
"Jordie was my brother. When I was your age, we were alone. We were tricked," he began. "We lost all of our money to a con. We lived on the streets until the Queen's Lady Plague struck and we got sick."
It still hurt to recall those memories. His rage had dimmed in the years since Pekka had vanished with his son into the Kaelish countryside but it still simmered.
"And he died?" Jordie prompted.
"In a way, we both did," he said. She gave him a puzzled look. "I wasn't the same after that, Jordie."
"What do you mean?"
"When they hauled his body out to the Reaper's Barge, they took me too. They didn't know I was still alive." Her expression turned to horror. "I had to swim back to shore using my brother's body as a raft and when I stepped out of that canal, I had vowed vengeance for my brother and for myself."
"That's horrible," she whispered.
"I've done every bad thing you could possibly imagine, Jordie, trying to fulfill that vengeance" he said. "I'm not a good person. What you saw today wasn't the worst of it."
"Is that what 'Jordie' means to you? Vengeance?"
"Not anymore. My grudge used to be more important to me than even your mother's life," he said. He recalled all the decisions that had nearly gotten Inej killed. "I made mistakes that could have cost me everything chasing after it."
"And now?" He met her eyes and saw she was struggling with these new revelations. How would she place the father that she's known beside that monster she saw in the alley today and still call him her father? Was it even possible?
"Now, it's a promise," he said. "A promise to your mother that I would put you above all else in my life. It's a promise," he continued, the words flowing from somewhere deep that he hadn't known existed. "…to you. That I'll protect you and put you above everything in my life. Even if…" he paused. "…you don't want me in yours."
Her eyes widened in shock as the words registered. He waited for it. The condemnation. He turned away. After a few heartbeats, he felt small arms around his middle. He tensed at the suddenness of it. She pressed her face to his shoulder and felt the wetness of tears soak his sleeve. She felt his own arms come up and circle her in return. She climbed into his lap like she had when she was younger and before age had put distance between them. They stayed like that for a while. He held her to his chest as she cried. He didn't understand why but he was glad that he could at least do this for her.
After an age, his muscles started to grow restless with his prolonged posture. She must have felt him stiffen because she looked up at him, the tears still there but falling slower now.
"Da, you might not be a good person, but I think you're a good father," she said. Before he could react, she added, "Besides, I don't think ma could love you if there wasn't anything good in there." She poked his chest and grinned. He bent his head and kissed her forehead. He had been far too sparse with his affection towards her and he could tell from the widening of her smile that the gesture had been the right move. He may have made mistakes today but somewhere, somehow, he must have done something right. A good father. He felt fuller somehow. Like something he had left behind in the harbor all those years ago had finally been returned to him. He hugged his daughter one more time before they stood up.
"I think we have some time to finish working on those locks," he said. She gave him an incredulous look.
"Da, I am going straight to bed," she replied. She hesitated and then added, "Can you stay?"
He hadn't stayed with her since she was a baby and even then it was a rare occurrence. He was never comfortable staying in Wylan's mansion. He saw Jordie's hopeful expression and found himself nodding. She smiled again and he felt that fullness once more. Maybe there's hope for me yet, Inej, he thought.
Hope you enjoyed this! I have ideas for how to turn this into a longer story but I'm not sure if I'll keep it going. Let me know what you thought of this! Encouragement is wonderful and tastes like mint. Get it? EncourageMINT. XD Ok I'm done. ~LightOfPolaris