Shadows
She had never been in Knockturn Alley before. She's glanced down the street once or twice, but it always looked too dark, too dangerous. But now it was just as safe as any other place. She tried to make it look like she belonged there; however, Lily was sure that she stood out like a sore thumb. And that made her very nervous.
It didn't help that she had a bad case of guilt gnawing away at her gut. She should be at home, putting her son down for his afternoon nap. She should be at a meeting for the Order, sitting proudly beside her husband. She should be anywhere but here.
And she certainly shouldn't be there because he had asked her to come.
Lily had barely spoken to Severus in the last five years. She had tried her best avoid even think of him. There was no reason for her to have anything to do with him anymore. Yet when that owl arrived, she didn't even need to think about what her answer would be. Despite everything, something still drew her to Severus, something beyond explanation. Or maybe not. His betrayal had hurt but maybe some lingering shades of friendship had survived. That idea gave her hope for the future. However it was the present she had to deal with now.
She scanned the area around her furtively, forcing herself not to stare no matter what she saw. There was nothing familiar her and the few people around did not wear friendly faces. Maybe he had changed his mind. Maybe he wasn't coming.
"I wasn't sure that you would come."
Lily spun around wildly at the sudden butfamiliar voice. There he was, looking just the same as ever. No, that wasn't quite right. He'd lost weight, looking even lankier than usual. And there was something else, something in his eyes, something written all over his face. He looked older than time would account for.
She opened her mouth to speak but could find no words to say. Severus joined her in silence and seemed to have caught her nervousness as well. Lily could see him watching the scene around them carefully. With a slight tip of his head, he gestured down the street, towards a tavern called Eye of Newt. It was one of the nicer buildings she could see, not that it took much. Lily followed his lead, knowing that she had gone past the point of no return: she had to see this meeting out to conclusion.
Severus obviously knew his way around the tavern, as he quickly led her to a booth in the back corner, shrouded in shadow. A quick gesture to the bartender soon brought them a pair of glasses filled with an unknown red substance. And then they were alone, hidden from the world at the secluded table.
She had to say something. He was waiting for her to speak and so she finally forced her lips to form words – merely pleasantries, but still words.
"It's good to see you, Severus." And it was.
He smiled at her – a small smile, but a true one. "I can't begin to tell you how much I've longed for this moment."
"How-" the question died almost before it began. The answer to how he was, to what he had been doing, was one Lily wasn't sure she wanted to know. Severus' now guarded face confirmed that this was something better left unasked.
Lily regrouped swiftly, another question pressing on her mind. "Why did you invite me here? Why now?"
He had been expecting this to be asked, she could tell. She didn't have long to wait before he started into his rehearsed response.
"I couldn't bear not to see you any longer. I know we did not part on good terms, but after so much time, I hope that old wounds may finally be able to heal."
It was what she had expected but not what she wanted.
"Have you changed then, Severus?"
He blinked; Severus hadn't been expecting that. "Changed?" he repeated, frowning slightly.
"Yes, changed." Lily took a deep breath, feeling years of emotions and turmoil brewing inside her. "The reason this whole falling out happened – the reason I haven't had anything to do with you since fifth year – wasn't just because you called me a Mudblood. You know better than to think I would end one of the most important friendships of my life over something so small. That was just the straw the broke the camel's back. It was just a sign of what I'd seen happen throughout our time at Hogwarts: you being drawn deeper and deeper down a path that terrified me. So have you changed?"
"Lily, I-…I…" his voice trailed off.
Lily smiled sadly. "Then what am I doing here?"
She stood up and headed for the door. There was no need to wait for an answer because there wasn't one. Not except for the obvious: she had been naïve. She had blindly hoped for the impossible but now she saw the truth. This had been a mistake and now it was time to go back to where she belonged: anywhere but here.
"Lily!" he called after her, not even thinking about secrecy anymore. Luckily for them both, the street was as deserted as ever.
"Let me go, Severus," she called to him without looking back. "You lost me a long time ago."
"No, Lily, please…"
She walked faster.
"I love you."
That stopped her, as if his words had cast a spell on her feet.
"I love you," he repeated, this time from much closer. He laid his hands gently on her shoulders and turned her around to face him.
"What?" she asked, her throat suddenly tight. She had never seen Severus look like this before, barely contained elation written all over his face.
"I've loved you since the day we met, since the moment I first saw you."
"Severus, you can't-"
"Yes, I can and I do."
They stood for a moment just looking at each other, then Severus leaned in and pressed his lips against hers. Strong arms wrapped around her body, pulling her close.
Lily froze beneath his embrace. This was wrong, this was so very wrong. But…but…part of her couldn't resist. Her lips began to move and she was kissing him back, returning all passion and affection.
It only lasted a moment, then the rational part of her mind snapped back into action. Her hands came up against Severus' chest and she pushed him away.
"No," she said as she stepped back away from him. He reached out but she avoided his grasp. "No, I won't. I will not betray James, my husband."
"He doesn't deser-"
"Yes, he does," Lily said, interrupting Severus' hatred-filled voice. "He is a wonderful man, a wonderful father, and I love him."
Severus' features were tight, filled with so many uncontrolled emotions that it was impossible to read now. "Then why-"
"I don't know," she spoke quietly. "I'm sorry. I don't…I don't love you that way. Maybe at one time I could have, but too much has happened now."
Severus closed his eyes for a moment. When they opened, his usual composure had finally been restored. Lily wished that she could say the same about herself, but her mind was racing and her mind reeling. She was glad she couldn't see her own face. But he could. And now he was studying it, the same way she had been studying his from the moment she saw him.
"I should go," she said finally, turning away.
There were a million questions he could have asked her then. What happens now? Would he see her again? What does this all mean? But he didn't. All he said was, "Goodbye."
Goodbye.