Night of Difficulty
It is a bitterly cold Winter night at Luigi's ranch in Hyrule, and the wind gusts capriciously through the stately trees. Sitting atop a hill in the center of the ranch is a large, two-story log home. In the southwest corner of this home, in the second story, is the bedroom of Luigi and his wife, Daisy. At 2:00am, Luigi awakens feeling rather hungry, so he decides to get out of bed and walk downstairs to the kitchen and have a sandwich.
The wood floor creaks below his tired feet, and while walking, he mutters, "I have no idea why I'm so hungry, but I shall slay the hunger with a sammich nonetheless." He smacks his lips and winces while tasting the onset of morning breath.
Without warning, he slips on a small mushroom and lands on the floor with a thud, rattling a few of the pictures on the walls. Irritated, he says, "What the carp is that doing th-...oh yeah. A candied 'shroom. Daisy loves those. Seems she dropped one." He sweeps it to the side, brushes off the incident, scratches his fanny, and makes his way to the grand staircase overlooking the foyer to the north. His stomach growls with discontent.
"I'm probably gonna feel that in the morning, but the kitchen beckons. No amount of stray mushrooms can stop me," he says optimistically, right before he hears and feels something like a 'squish' and a 'crunch' under his foot.
Mortified, he thinks, "Ewww...what was that..." and lifts his foot, seeing a flattened cockroach, "That. Is. Disgusting. I shall make a note to spray for bugs in the morning." He scrapes the dead bug off his foot and continues his journey. The hunger intensifies, evident by the thunder-like sounds emanating from his empty middle.
He mumbles, "Let's hope I have no more setbacks tonight. I want to have my sandwich and go back to bed," but then trips over a skateboard and tumbles down the stairs. After hitting the floor and coming to rest on his back, he semi-consciously intones, "Ohhh..." before the skateboard lands on his head, and he finishes, "...grrrr. WHAT THE...say, this skateboard belongs to Link's son, Jeffrey. What's it still doing here? Oh well. I'll get it to him tomorrow." Far more irritated, Luigi heads to the kitchen.
Approaching the kitchen door, he says, "This night has sucked. I want to eat and go to bed." He then stubs his toe on the edge of a piece of metal furniture, and angrily whispers, "Could'a done without that."
Luigi holds his foot while hopping around the big room, muttering some rather indelicate words to himself. He rushes to the medicine cabinet, gets a Band-Aid, and finally makes it to the fridge. His stomach feels as though it is on the verge of implosion.
Upon arrival, he mumbles, "Now, what to put on that special object of hungercide. Hmm." He searches the considerable amount of food, "Let's see, there's some mayo...salami...gouda...mustard...ham...bologna...tomato slices...some ricotta. Ooooh, ricotta. Hmm, expired two days ago. I wonder if it's still good."
He opens the container, takes a whiff, and spends the next five minutes in the bathroom.
Luigi throws away the bad ricotta after exiting the bathroom, says, "Glad that's over," and continues his search, ever hungrier, "What else is there...romaine lettuce...parsley...pepperoni...spinach...pizza? Pizza might be good on a sandwich."
A few minutes later, Luigi assembles and engulfs the sandwich.
Having finished it, he says, "That was the best sandwich ever. And yet, I still hunger." He gets an idea, says, "There's some chocolate-portobello Blue Bell in the freezer. I suppose a little couldn't hurt," and opens the freezer. A flood of stabbingly frigid air assaults his bare feet.
He is awestruck when he sees just how far back in there it is, and mutters, "Whoa. It's WAY back in there. I'll just reach in and..." He falls in, and the door shuts behind him. "Oh...snap. It's...s-s-so...c-cold."
He crawls toward the door and tries to push it open, but to no avail. Mumbling, "It's...st-st-stuck?!" he proceeds to huddle up into a ball, and adds, "Stupid sub-zero temperatures. I should never have gotten that 'Antarctic Winter' package. Must...escape." His mustache gathers ice crystals as his breath condenses and freezes on it almost instantly.
He grabs a frozen potato and chucks it at the door, but the potato shatters like glass without leaving a dent. Lower eyelids raised, Luigi mumbles, "Cr-crud-d-d-d...wait a minute..." He pulls out silenced, five-hundred-caliber handcannon pistol and shoots the door open. "Eureka! I'll worry about a new freezer later." The door falls off shortly after his escape, and he covers the opening with plastic wrap.
Luigi subsequently heads back to his soft, warm bed. He pulls up the covers, curls into the fetal position, thinks, "Bullet train to Dreamworld, here I come," and happily closes his eyes.
As he begins to drift off into unconsciousness, a pack of Yoshis starts howling nearby, and their squeaky, shrill voices echo throughout the countryside. Onomatopoeically, the sound can be equated to a loud "nyaaa" that slowly lowers in tone.
Luigi's eyelids fly wide open. A wave of psychotic rage presents itself in his eyes, and he thinks, "No. Not this time."
He gets out of bed, grabs a rocket launcher, goes outside, obliterates the nuisance, and returns to bed. Daisy remains undisturbed. Optimistically, he thinks, "At least we have a crater for a new pond. What...what is that noise? I hear something...like feet snapping twigs outside." He looks out the window, and mumbles, "Great. Another ninja."
Luigi heads outside again, this time with a triple-barrel shotgun.
Sneaking along a wall, the Koopa ninja whispers, "All I have to do is get inside, take Daisy, and return to Bowser. Then Nintendo will HAVE to make another game, and Bowser will reap even more royalties."
Luigi appears practically out of nowhere, points the gun at the Koopa ninja, and says, "Hello, victim."
The Koopa ninja soils himself immediately, and says while quivering, "Not good. Might I explain this time?"
Luigi coldly replies, "Nope."
"Bribe?" asks the Koopa.
"Nope," Luigi answers.
"Beg for mercy?" pleads the Koopa.
"Nope," denies Luigi.
Wide-eyed, the Koopa ninja asks, "Die like the pathetic, feeble pawn of Bowser that I am?"
Luigi answers, "More or less," and unloads his shotgun into the hapless enemy with three cannon-like bangs. He buries the gooey remnants, washes the blood splattering from the wall, and reenters his bed. "Bowser just doesn't know when to quit," thinks Luigi as he goes back to sleep.
He sleeps until 4:00am. At 4:01, he gets jerked out of a beautiful slumber by a loud noise. He angrily stumbles to a window and sees a large battle going on between Goombas and Koopas in a nearby field. He furiously mumbles, "Those insolent little circus freaks," and grabs a chainsaw.
The slaughter lasts for two hours.
Having finished cleaning his chainsaw, taking a shower, and drying off, Luigi climbs back into bed, grimacing, and falls asleep thirty minutes later.
At 8:00am the following morning, Daisy hits the snooze button on the ringing alarm clock, looks at Luigi, and says, "Honey, time for another splendid day!" It is at that point she sees a small storm cloud materialize over her husband's head.
He turns to his wife with flaming eyes and breathes, "Two. More. Hours," in a deep, nearly demonic voice.
Daisy backs away slowly, sweetly says, "Um, okay, sweet husband. Hee hee...hee..." and looks out the window, adding, "Whoa. Did you..."
Luigi quickly answers, "Yup."
"Last night?" asks Daisy.
"Yup," Luigi sleepily answers.
Daisy says, "I'll hide the alarm clock."
"Thank you," Luigi concludes, as he drifts back into unconsciousness.
Fin
Super Mario characters and places, and Link/Hyrule, are copyright of Nintendo
Band-Aid is copyright of its owner (Johnson and Johnson, I think)
Blue Bell is copyright of whoever owns that
Story, etc is copyright of myself, NuclearCookout
Author's notes: "Hungercide" means "anti-hunger". I doubt it exists beyond my own vocabulary.