The Unearthly Adventures of Baxter and Bruno
SCENE 1
BAXTER AND BRUNO WALK INTO SCENE
"Did you see the look on his face when we jumped him?" Bruno asked.
"Oh, yeah. He was like…" And Baxter does the face. They both crack up.
"Uh-oh." Bruno says
"What? Did my sister forget to pick up Norbert's droppings? I've been telling her…" Baxter sighs. Bruno laughs.
"No! I mean, yeah, but that's not the case. Who's going to push the button."
"Bruno, you dolt, we both know the answer."
"Oh, yeah. It's me, right?" Baxter pushes Bruno.
"Noooooo. It's me."
"Why? Why is it always you?"
"Maybe because this is my apartment?"
"Well, that means that you get to push it every single day! It's my turn." Bruno persisted.
"But you know, Bruno, you have to push it a special way. And, as you so kindly pointed out, I've been doing it every single day." Baxter says in false cheeriness.
"Baxter, I demand to press the button."
"My house, my rules."
"You made that up!"
"So what?"
"Baxter and Bruno! Do you intend to wake everyone in this building." Someone bellows.
"Uh-oh, gob, you really did it this time!" Bruno says.
"Oh, no, you really did it." Baxter said.
"But she's your sister. And this is your house." Bruno says with a smug smile. Baxter looked outstanded.
"I said, do you intend to wake everyone up with your foolishness?" Lianne walks onto scene.
"Uh, I can explain, Lianne. Just give me a second to think up a good excuse." Baxter pauses.
"Oh, Lee, it was all Baxter! I tried to stop him, saying, gob be quiet. But he wouldn't!" Bruno flashes a "charming" smile.
"Oh, shut up, Bruno! I had enough of this. Both of you, come inside."
"Aye, aye, sis." Baxter says. Bruno follows him in.
Lianne twirls around when they are safely in.
"Do you two know how dangerous it is for two teenage goblins to be roaming around the streets at midnight? Huh? Do you?"
"Um… not at all?" Bruno asked cheekily.
Lianne grindes her teeth.
"Well, you know the dangers that lurk these streets."
"Oh, no, you really did it Bruno. Now she's going to give us the lecture!" Baxter groans.
"Shut up, Baxter." Lianne snaps.
"Now, the first danger is the humans. They can discover you, and then all of us goblins in hiding have to leave." Lianne continues. Baxter mouths the words.
"So don't eat a lot of them. If a great number goes missing, then they will get suspicious and search." Lianne rambled on. During this, Baxter and Bruno sneak out.
"You know, gob, I've been thinking…" Bruno says.
"Uh-oh. What?" Baxter asks
"I feel like getting on the nerves of people."
"I shouldn't've asked. Who, exactly?" Baxter sighs.
"I don't know… Maybe Frederick Vecurse?"
"No, no, no. No one can get on Freddy's nerves. You know how elves are." Baxter counters.
"True, true. Maybe Yolanda Jefferson." Bruno says.
"NO! NO GYPSIES. ABSOLUTELY NO GYPSIES!" Baxter contradicts.
"Then who? I'm out." Bruno says.
"You would be." Baxter mumbles.
"What?"
"Nothing! So, I think maybe Basta Kingsley. Mad scientists, you know?"
"Yeah! Basta will be so much fun to get! Except for the whole killing-by-hitting-us-with-a-poison-arrow thing. He loves making poison."
"Tell me something I don't know." Baxter agrees. "But I think that we each should go after someone different. You know, so we make the most out of it."
"True, true." Bruno says. "Oh! I know! Izari! Izari Bewitched!"
"Oh, yeah, gob, brilliant! So how 'bout I take Izari and you Basta?" Baxter says.
"What? Me? No way! You take the hobo. He freaks me out."
"All the more glory for you when you steal whatever from him."
"Well, if you like Basta so much, why don't you bother him."
"Well, you thought of him." Baxter says.
"No I didn't! You did, ding bat!"
"So what?"
"So the whole it-was-your-idea thing backfired and you have to bother him."
"No." Baxter said simply.
"What no?" Bruno asked, confused.
"Oh, keep up, will ya? Anyway I know how to settle this."
"You do?" Bruno asked.
"You betcha."
"So how?" Bruno asked.
"Hold on, give me a second to think of a good idea." Bruno rolls his eyes and groans. "I got it! A thumb war."
"A thumb war? Are you completely barbaric?"
"Um… maybe." Baxter replies.
"Argh. I shouldn't've said that."
"Well, smart butt, what's your oh so clever idea."
"Targeting! We can use my gun (not real, mind you) and whoever gets the highest score wins."
"You carry around a fake gun?"
"And paper, pen, tape, granola bars, underwear, you name it!" Bruno says, reaching for his backpack.
"Er… just get the dang stuff out, gob."
BRUNO AND BAXTER MAKE THE TARGETS AND LOAD THE GUN
"Okay, we each get three bullets. Whoever gets the highest score wins." Baxter says.
"Yeah. Let's go."
BRUNO IS SUPPOSED TO WIN. I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY ADD UP TO. JUST MAKE BRUNO PICK IZARI!
"Argh." Baxter said.
"What, Jones, angry I beat you at a mere game of targeting?" Bruno teased. Baxter growled and threw a punch at Bruno, which Bruno neatly dodged.
"Shut up, gob. Just pick the frickin' person."
"Well, it's obvious, really."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. Of course Bewitched."
"Coward." Baxter murmured.
"Maybe. But at least I'm an alive coward." Bruno grinned at his own joke when Baxter smacked him on the back of his head.
"So how bout tomorrow? I can take Bewitched's wand, and you can take all of Basta's bad potions, and leave all his love potions. Hee hee that would be so funny."
"Huh. Not funny. Unnecessary."
"Come on, gob, you're the one that wanted to do this."
"Um, if I'm not mistaken, Bruno, it was your idea to peeve the other magical beings."
"You are mistaken." Bruno says angrily.
"Face it, empty brain, you were the one who wanted to do this so STOP BLAMING IT ON ME!" Baxter yells.
"Sheesh, gob, didn't need to yell. Fine let's do it tomorrow."
"You know, Bruno, you really are estupido."
"How so, inteligente?"
"It would be very suspicious if we did this crime all on the same day. So we should do it on different day."
"Brilliant." Bruno exclaimed.
"I know. Isn't it?"
"Not really." Baxter punched Bruno in the shoulder.
"Rhetorical question, dolt."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Punching Baxter back.
"Quit it!" Punching Bruno back.
"You started it." Punching Baxter.
"Yeah right." Punching bruno.
"I am right." Punching Baxter.
"Huh." Punching bruno.
"Insolent goblins! Why, I leave you for a minute and you already are in a brawl." Lianne screeched."
"Ah, come on, sis, have a little consideration." Baxter said.
"I'm waiting." Lianne replied.
"You know we snuck out, you didn't leave us." Baxter said.
"Yeah, give us some props." Bruno added.
"Shut up, beef brain." Baxter said and punch bruno again.
Bruno punched Baxter.
"STOP IT YOU IDIOTS!" Lianne bellowed. Then she broke up Baxter and Bruno.
" You better be home in ten minutes. If you don't, I will send you both to my aunt Gertrude."
"Oh, heaven forbid, that you send me to the aunt that sends me a hundred dollars every year. Please don't." Baxter cries sarcastically.
"Who's the Gert lady?" Bruno asked quietly."
"Only the nicest aunt in the world." Baxter replied with a small smile.
"Ughhhhhh. Just be home in twenty minutes. Okay?" Lianne commanded, then left.
"Um, she does know that before she said ten minutes, not twenty." Bruno asked Baxter. Baxter shushed him.
"Come on, empty head, let's go find trouble." Baxter said.
"That's what I'm talking about!" Bruno said.
Baxter and Bruno walked and then bumped into a girl.
"Whoa, kid, watch were you're going." Bruno exclaimed.
"I'm sorry. Excuse me." Maggie Newton said.
"Yeah, whatever." Baxter said.
"Wait a second. You guys look a little weird." Maggie said skeptically.
"Wow, thanks, lady. That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me!" Bruno said, not sarcastically.
"Anyway, how is that a little weird strange? This is New York City for crying out loud!" Baxter contradicted.
"Hmmm. I guess. But let me ask you. Do you believe in magical creatures?" Maggie asked.
"What's your name kid?" Baxter asked.
"Maggie."
"Maggie what?"
"What's it to you?"
"I like this kid. She got spunk." Baxter says to Bruno
"Tell me what your last name is. I command you." Bruno says in a hypnotic voice.
"Gob, quit trying to put her under your oh so great hypnotism."
"Wait—gob?" Maggie asked.
"Um, figure of speech. Jones, you idiot." Bruno said.
"You're the one who's the idiot, Gerboon."
"No, you're the stupid one." Bruno said.
"Don't make me punch you." Baxter answered.
"Ohhh! No, Baxter, you big bad goblin. Don't punch me with your baby blows!" Bruno said sarcastically.
"I'll give you baby blows!" Baxter said. They tried to punch him, but Maggie grabbed his arm.
"Goblin? You're a goblin?" Maggie asked, then dropped his arm as if it was on fire.
"What's it to you?"
"Everything. My brother will love this!" Maggie exclaimed and looked excited.
"Hey, I never said we was goblins. Smarts." Bruno said.
"I know you didn't. He did." She replied pointing at Baxter.
"Wow, Bax, way to be intelligent. Buh-bye." Bruno said. Then Bruno broke into a run, and Baxter followed him.
"Gob, we're in trouble." Bruno said.
"Do you really think?" Baxter replied.
"Um, yeah. So what about the plan starring Izari and Basta?" Bruno asked.
"What about it?"
"Are we going through with it?"
"Of course!" Baxter said. "I'm not backing down now."
"Oh yeah. No retreat for Baxter."
"Shut up." Baxter said.
THEY REACH BAXTER'S HOUSE
"So meet me at the usual place tomorrow?" Bruno asked.
"Be there or be ugly." Baxter replied.
"Aren't you already there?" Bruno asked. Baxter whacked him on the back of the head. They left.
SCENE ON MAGGIE TALKING TO HER BROTHER, CHRIS
"Hey, Mags. Where were you?" Chris asked as Maggie walked in.
"Chris, you won't believe what happened to me today!" Maggie said in reply to Chris' question.
"Maybe. Try me." Chris said.
"I ran into two goblins today!" Maggie exclaimed.
"Uh-huh. Sure you did." Chris replied.
"I did. Seriously. They kept on calling each other 'gob' and one of them called the other 'goblin'. So they have to be goblins!" Maggie said.
"Why does this matter?" Chris asked.
"I can tell the police and they can capture those guys." Maggie said.
"What? What you just suggested is cruel. Giving two guys over to the police to be dissected? Anyway, you don't have any proof." Chris pointed out.
"Ah, but I do!" Then Maggie held up a single hair. "I got this from one of their arms when I was holding them off each other."
"Gross. Seriously, Mags, you stole one of their arm hairs? Are you mental?"
"Well, actually, it sort of fell off his arm." Maggie said.
"Ugh. Whatever, sis. Do what you wish. Just don't get yourself killed. Mom will never forgive me."
"What? You wouldn't get me killed."
"Ah, but I knew."
"Whatever. Night, bro."
"Night."
SCENE ENDS. NEXT SCENE BEGINS WITH BASTA
"Ah. I wonder what would happen if I added mashed burrock root with unicorn spit." Basta said. Then he added burrock root (baking soda) with unicorn spit (vinegar died yellow).
It exploded. Basta looked taken aback.
"Okay then. It doesn't like it." Basta said. "Hmmm. I wonder what would happen if I added verdanaville juice with dragon pee. It's still a wonder how I got that." Basta said.
(He added verdanaville juice (lemon juice) with dragon pee (yellow Gatorade)).
"Hmmm. Doesn't seem like enough. I want to make a deadly potion. So how 'bout adding… I dunno. OH! I GOT IT! Monkey blood!" Basta exclaimed. He added the monkey blood (red Gatorade) with the verdanaville juice and dragon pee mix.
"Does it work?" Basta mumbled. Then he poured some of the concoction down his monster's throat. The monster was still for a second, then began to arise.
MONSTER MASH NUMBER when the song is over, lights go off and we go to Izari.
"Well. Lookie here. A rat tried to get into my cottage. Look at that! Let's get rid of it!" Izari took out her wand and waved it, yelling "Dido!" The rat turned into stone.
"Ugh. Why do I always have to do the right thing and turn them into stone? I have about fifty of those stone things! Ugh!" Izari said.
THE DOORBELL RINGS
IZARI OPENS THE DOOR
"Yes?" Izari asked in a mean voice.
"Oh, please help me, witch. I am in desperate need for a love potion." Came an over exaggerated girl voice- REALLY BRUNO IN DISGUISE AS A GIRL
"I don't make love potions, girlie. Now leave." She said.
"Oh, but I need one."
"For what?"
"So you don't kill me when I do this." Bruno said in his regular voice. He pulled off his "wig" and made a lunge for Izari's wand.
"What the—" Izari said.
"Uh-huh. Yeah, I went there." He made another lunge for the wand.
"You, boy have no wit or stealth. Seriously." Izari said.
"Yeah, that's what my friend says." Bruno said.
"Then he has some sense." Izari said.
"And an awful temper." Bruno said.
"Humph." Izari said, dodging yet another one of Bruno's wand-grabs.
"Leave, boy, before I turn you into stone."
"No!" Bruno said.
"Argh!" Izari said, and Bruno lunged for the wand, and got it.
"Gotta go! My… uh… gerbil!... is calling me. Um, I forget to feed, him, her, whatever. Buh-bye." Then he ran out the door.
SCENE WITH BAXTER AND BASTA
STARTS WITH BASTA dancing
THE DOORBELL RINGS
"Who's there?" Basta asks.
"Satan. Now answer the dang door." Baxter says.
"Okay…" He grabbed his bow and arrow with a poison tip.
"I'm coming." Basta said.
BASTA OPENS THE DOOR BIG MISTAKE
"Hello" Baxter says before he kicks the mad scientist in the stomach, which drives Basta to the ground.
"I'll just grab what I need, then I'll be outta here." Baxter said. Then he walked to the potions table and put all the bad potions into a bag. Basta just laid there, winded.
"You haven't heard the last of me." Basta croaks with effort. Then collapses.
"Baby." Baxter says, then left.
SCENE OVER LIGHTS GO OUT
"I really have to find those goblins!" Maggie says. "That way I can prove to Chris that I'm not crazy!"
She walked around. "They have to be here somewhere! This is where I saw them last!"
She hears Baxter and Bruno mumbling to each other, and hides as they walk in.
"Yeah, Bax! You got the potions and I the wand!" Bruno exclaimed.
"Whatever. You know that the scientist was really easy to get? It was incredible!" Baxter said.
"Hey—what was that?"
"What, you think that someone is stalking us goblins? Preposterous." Baxter said.
"Ah hah! So you are goblins!" Maggie said.
"Dangit." Baxter said.
"Real sly, dog." Bruno says to Baxter.
"Now be good little monsters and come with me to the police." Maggie said in a luring voice.
"Arg! I'm going to kill her! No one calls me a monster and gets away with it!" Baxter said
"Except your sister, gob." Bruno said.
"Well, I can't murder my sis. She does my laundry and feeds me! I'll starve!" Baxter said.
"Okay then, gob, let's get her."
THEN BAXTER AND BRUNO CHASE HER, AND THE SONG I NEED A HERO GOES ON.
SCENE ENDS WITH MAGGIE GETTING AWAY
SCENE WITH MAGGIE AND CHRIS
"Chris! Chris! It was them! The goblins!" Maggie says, running in to the room.
"Chris?" Maggie asked, seeing that Chris wasn't there.
"Where are you, bro?" Maggie asked. She looked around. "Hmmm. Whatever. Probably out with his girlfriend." Maggie made a revolted face. "I'll just examine the hair."
She looks around for the hair, but couldn't find it. "Did Chris… No, he wouldn't. Did he?" Maggie asked herself. Then she found a note.
"Human,
We are happy to inform that we took your brother.
We hope that you go to the ends of the earth to
find him. And that you are destroyed in the
process. Take offense. If you aren't dead when
you are done looking for your brother, we will
kill you. It would be most delightful! Baxter would
enjoy it immensely.
Your goblin,
Bruno"
"Oh my god! They took Chris!"
SCENE ENDS
SCENE BEGINS WITH BAXTER AND BRUNO, WITHOUT CHRIS
"Do you think she figured out that we didn't take the brother?" Bruno asked.
"I think that she was reeling enough from your gory note. 'We hope that you are killed during your search.' What girl wouldn't be dizzy after that?" Baxter asked.
"Well, you would know, since you're practically one in yourself." Bruno said cheekly. Baxter whacked Bruno.
"Watch your tongue, animal." Baxter said.
"Sorry, Jones, I can't because I can't see it!" Bruno said.
"Ugh. Shut up. What are we going to do with the potions anyway?" Baxter asked.
"And wand, remember."
"Whatever. Maybe we could pour the potions down the drain and break the wand?" Baxter suggested.
"Wow. And you think that I'm stupid. No, it won't work. It would just tick off them more."
"Then let's bury them!" Baxter said.
"Okay." Bruno said.
THEY START TO BURY THE THINGS, BUT BRUNO STOPS HIM.
"Wait—are we stupid?" Bruno asked.
"It's just you, gob." Baxter replied.
"Shut up. I mean, why should we bury the things? It was your idea. So it was bad."
"Ugh. Then what do you want to do with them?" Baxter asked.
"I suggest we hide them under your bed." Bruno said.
"No way!" Baxter said.
"Why not? Oh, nevermind. Let's hide them behind this rock over here." Bruno said.
"Hmmm. Sensible and clever. You, my gob, deserve a prize." Baxter said sarcastically.
"I know!" Bruno said.
THEY PUT THE THINGS BEHIND THE ROCK
"I'm tired." Baxter said.
"You think you're the only one?" Bruno asked indignantly.
"Huh? No, I was simply stating a fact." Baxter replied. "You're grumpy."
"Let's sleep here." Bruno said, ignoring Baxter's remark.
"Whatever, gob." Baxter said, then lied down.
THEY "FALL ASLEEP"
MAGGIE WALKS ONTO SET
"Whoa! I wasn't even looking for the goblins and I found them!" Maggie said.
"What should I do?" Maggie asked herself. "Oh! I know! I'll kidnap them to find out where they took my brother!"
SCENE ENDS
SCENE BEGINS WITH BAXTER AND BRUNO TIED TO CHAIRS, ALONE
THEY ROUSE
"Aw, crap." Baxter said, when he notices his tied hands.
"We've been shanghaied!" Bruno said.
"You really think?" Baxter asked sarcastically.
"Dang, dang, dang!" Bruno said. "The new episode of Grey's Anatomy is on tonight! I will die if I missed that!"
"Please miss it." Baxter said.
"If my arms were free, then I'd sock you right now." Bruno said.
"I'd like to see you try, Brune." Baxter said.
"Are you done with your chitchat?" Maggie asked, when she walked in.
"YOU!" Bruno exclaimed.
"Bruno, you dolt, you didn't know it was her?" Baxter said incredulously.
"Well, how was I to know?"
"It's called common sense."
"Hmph."
"Yeah, you don't have any." Baxter said.
"SHUT UP, INSOLENT CREATURES!" Maggie yelled.
"How 'bout you? You're the one yelling!" Bruno said.
"Argh!" Maggie marched out.
"What's with her?" Baxter asked.
"She's a girl, what do you expect?" Bruno replied.
"Yeah, I guess." Baxter said.
THEY WAIT IN SILENCE FOR A FEW SECONDS
"You know what, gob? I'm starting to get pretty ticked off right now." Bruno said.
"Do you really?" Baxter said sarcastically. Then they both start at their manacles.
"How 'bout we untie each other?" Bruno suggested.
"Does that mean I have to touch you?" Baxter said.
"You won't if you try really, really hard." Bruno replied.
THEY UNTIE EACHOTHER, THEN RUN AWAY (OUT THE DOOR)
Maggie walks onto set.
"Where did they go?" Maggie asks herself. Then notices the ropes. "Oh, they got away. Crap. I guess I got to go look for them."
MAGGIE WALKS AROUND, AND RAMS INTO IZARI
"Oh, excuse me, ma'am." She said.
"You should be, young lady. Now leave before I can turn you into a frog." Izari said. Then Basta comes up to her.
"Know you know, Izari, that you can't." Basta said.
"Shut up, scientist." Izari said. "The only reason we're working together is to find Baxter and Bruno."
"Wait—you two are looking for the Goblins?" Maggie asked.
"Yeah." Basta said.
"So am I—let's work together!" Maggie suggested.
"Why the heck should we do that?" Basta asked.
"Dude, three heads are better than two." Maggie said.
"Uh-uh. My mutated monsters are much more intelligent with two heads than three." Basta said.
"Ignore the dolt Basta, mad scientists, you know." Izari said.
"Oh, okay." Maggie said, creeped.
THEY LOOK AROUND FOR THEM
"Ugh. I can't find them anywhere!" Maggie cried, exasperated.
"Neither can we." Basta said.
"I'm going home." Maggie said, and walks away.
"Good-bye to you too, ungrateful twerp." Izari said.
Then a net falls on Izari and Basta, trapping them.
"What? Oh, crap!" Basta said.
"Darn those goblins!" Izari.
SCENE ENDS
SCENE BEGINS WITH BAXTER AND BRUNO
"Ha ha ha!" Bruno said.
"Yeah—the witch and scientist didn't know what hit them!" Baxter said.
"Why the heck are you agreeing with me?" Bruno said, angry.
"Whoa, you have a quick temper." Baxter laughed.
"Doesn't that remind you of anyone?" Bruno yelled.
"This is stupid." Baxter bellowed.
"No, you're stupid." Bruno said.
"You want to fight? Bring it!" Baxter yelled.
"Oh, yeah." Bruno said.
"I've been waiting for this for a long time." Baxter growled
GHOSTBUSTERS SCENE
"Special delivery." Clare says.
BOTH GOBLINS RUN AWAY.
SCENE ON MAGGIE
"Where is my brother?" She cried.
CHRIS WALKS INTO THE ROOM.
"Maggie? What's wrong?" He said.
"They let you go!" She said.
"Who let me go?" He asked.
SHE RUNS TO HUG HIM
"You know, the goblins!" She said.
"What goblins? Maggie, don't you remember? I was at the park studying for my finals!" He exclaimed.
SHE PULLS AWAY FROM HIM
"Huh?" Maggie asked.
"Didn't you know?" Chris asked.
"No. Oh, good to have you back, bro."
SCENE ENDS
NEW SCENE BEGINS WITH BAXTER AND LIANNE
"Where were you?" Lianne asks Baxter indignantly. "And where's Bruno?"
"Don't mention that excuse for a goblin in front of me." Baxter growled.
"Oh, you aren't friends anymore?" Lianne tried to hide her delight.
"Yes. Happy?" Baxter asked.
"Hmph. So, what were you two up to today?" She asked.
"Oh, nothing." Baxter said with a secret smile.
"Well, good. You have to clean up Norberts droppings." Lianne said.
"What? No!" Baxter exclaimed.
"It's your job." Lianne said.
"But, sis, there's a, mad scientist, and a, um, witch out there!" Baxter said.
"Enough with your preposterous ramblings. Go clean up your miniature dragon's poop!" Lianne yelled.
"Oh, okay." Baxter grumbled and left.
SCENE IS ON LIANNE
"Huh. He thinks he can lie to me? I know what he was up to! And I'm not happy." Lianne says.
PLAY ENDS