How To Save A Life
Summary: After months of pushing for others and tearing himself apart, Tony tries to make it better. But does it work?
Pairing: Kate and Tony, angst
Disclaimer: I own nothing. The lyrics belong to the Fray
Author's Note: I really love this song. Please review!
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Dr. Natalie Wright had seen many patients through the years. Almost all of them sat silently in the chair, obviously wrapped up in their own thoughts. So did this man. He was apparently a federal agent, and he had that look on his face. Dr. Wright knew that look. A look that told her that this man had shut out everybody that wanted to listen. And it was breaking him.
"I don't really know why I'm here," the man says.
"You came here because you wanted to talk" dr Wright reminds him. "And you decide what we should talk about"
The man gives her a small smile and meets her eyes. He's so easy to read. So easy to see right through. He's been through a lot. The doctor sits in her chair by the window, sometimes turning her face towards it to show him that she's got time and can and will wait for him to talk. He remains in his seat, peering the floor. She can see right through him. There's so much there, so much that's bothering him.
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
Tony shift in his chair. The doctor is watching him for a few moments, and then she turns her face towards the window again. He sighs. He knew he should talk about this. But he can't. He hasn't been able to do that. It's not like him. He's father taught him that strong individuals dealt with their own problems. Tony hesitates. He shouldn't be here. And if it weren't for that damn terrorist, he wouldn't have to either.
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Fifteen minutes has come and gone. Fortyfive minutes left of the hour he scheduled for. Or to be exact, the hour Gibbs forced him to schedule. Gibbs had been insisting on this for a good while. Tony had just ignored. But now, here he was. Sitting across from the therapist, who was waiting patiently for him to talk. He knew he should, he wanted to. But he couldn't. It was complicated, so much to say. So many hard topics to bring up. Regret, grief, helplessness, distraction, longing. Mostly regret. He should've known. He should've known this was what was going to happen. Now afterwards, it seemed so simple.
"She died" he slowly begins to speak. Dr. Wright's face turns back to him. He doesn't look up. He has to focus. On thing at the time.
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to god he hears you and
Natalie watch him for a moment. Two words. It's at least a good start. But his tone says so much more than those two words he just uttered. She takes a deep breath. Just as he does, she has to focus. Convince him that things aren't as bad as they seem, that she can help him. Get past his layers but still be honest about her intentions. She reads his face and mentally makes a list of what she sees. Mostly sadness and grief. Which explains those two words he just said. Taking another deep breath, she gathers her focus again. Death is always a hard topic to talk about. For the living, death is so unknown, mostly unfair and hard to get the grip of. She eyes him and starts with an easy question. No psychological game.
"Who?"
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
"Kate" he replies, still resting his eyes on his feet. He doesn't like to say her name, it reminds him of what happened that day. That sunny day in the end of May, a day, which he thought, was going to be a good one. His first back from sick leave, his first day back with her.
"Who was Kate?" the doctor asks gently. Tears are gathering behind his eyes, but they don't show. Yet.
"My…co-worker"
"Did you have a close relationship?"
He lets out a bitter laugh. Yeah, how would he define their relationship? Friends, siblings, just co-workers. Officially they'd been co-workers and good friends. But unofficially…he didn't want to think about. It all ended the same.
"I guess we did," he says and the therapist nods.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?" The question he feared would come. He would have to replay that day again. He'd done so before, and in his dream. But never out loud, not to anyone.
"She was shot. By a sniper"
"When?"
"May 24th" he says immediately, remembering the date so well. Remembering the day, her words, his words. The bullet that took her away.
"And how do you feel about it?"
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Suddenly he feels angry. His eyes flash and now he meet hers. "How I feel about it?" Tony doesn't know where to start. That's the complicated part. To him it's easy. He knew how he feels and why. But to explain it…To him it's so simple that it's almost silly. He'd loved her, he still did and he missed her. And regretted the fact that she hadn't known. Unintentionally he stands up and begins to pace the room. Not knowing why he raises his voice.
"I don't know. That damn terrorist shot Kate. And I didn't do a thing. I just stood there, watching her die!" he almost yells. The therapist looks slightly surprised by this outburst.
"It's not your fault" she says in a lower voice. He stares at her.
"Not my fault?" he almost whispers now. "I should have known, taken her out of there. Leave town, leave everything!" he shouts. The doctor sighs. Anger. Survivor's guilt. It's very common.
"It sounds harsh but it's not your fault. You have to understand that" she says a bit firm. He's still pacing the room.
"Bullshit!" he claims.
"Then what would you have done, Tony? How would you save her?"
He had no response to that. What would he have done? He hadn't known that Ari was on the other roof. And what could he have done? The doctor eyes him. There are two options. He will either admit that there was nothing he could've done, or he will just shrug off the question. Most people go for the last option. Guilt is something very hard to get rid of. Tony still doesn't say a thing. What to say? Once again he is hesitant about this. What can this doctor do? Bring Kate back, after all that's all he wants. He doesn't want to move on, let go of her. He does not want to.
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
Dr Wright watches him. He sits back down, once again lost in his own thoughts. Tony feels her eyes on him. He remembers what Kate told him about karma. Is this how fate decides to punish him? By take Kate away. The only person that really really meant something. Of course, the rest of the team was a huge part of his life but Kate…There was no words for that. Not one word. He hated this. Everything was so messy, so screwed up. He wants Kate back. No, he needs her. And this shrink can't bring her back. No one can. Tony sits silent in his seat for the remaining twenty-five minutes. Then the doctor thanks him and tells him to come back next week. He only nods. Out in his car, tears fall. For the first time. He had, for the first time, told another person about what happened. Showed his feelings. His feelings over Kate, how much he missed her and how badly he wished he could've saved her.
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life