Store-Bought Hangover
Author: Ladelle
Rating: T-M
Comments: Oh, plot bunnies. I work at a bank and came up with this funny scenario the other day, and my co-workers wanted me to write it. Don't even ask how I got them into reading Naruto fanfiction, especially when they don't even know what anime is. And...yaoi, fanfiction too. :sweatdrop:
But yeah. This will be like a four-shot one day. I just had to write it now while it was in my head.
Chapter 1: Getting Ahead of Himself
If there was anything Naruto wasn't prepared for, it was breaking the law. But hey, there was always that saying that desperate times called for desperate measures. In this case that phrase was a bit of an understatement, something a twenty-three year old college student wasn't too hesitant to admit. But on a lighter note, he wasn't afraid.
A deep inhalation of breath brought his chest closer to his chin, and his eyes narrowed like John Wayne's, a paper cup he could pretend was tumbleweed bouncing across the parking-lot blacktop before him. His lip dropped and he bared his teeth a little, all before taking one grandiose step forward. Hands met handles, muscles lended a pull, and a wave of something made him stumble back a bit, eyes watering.
Air conditioning.
Banks always had the best kind. The icy wind that bit at your features and made your face looked pinched just in time for a teller to wonder why on earth you looked so angry. They also had that air conditioned smell too; the wafting scent of what the public could only assume was money curling the hair of any nostril that dared to enter.
Blue eyes peeked around the pristine building.
The island was first base.
If he could make it there he could pretend to fill out a deposit slip, all while deciding which teller looked easy-enough shaken. The cool marble counter top made his fingers numb at the touch, and his skin prickled at the coolness as he glanced up at the teller line-up, his hand searching absently for a slip. Feeling for one; fingers climbing the racks without his eyes to guide them, all while his attention remained stuck to a pretty little blonde thing nearest to the door.
Bingo, he thought, and just as the decision overwhelmed him his hand knocked over a pamphlet rack, sending a loud and crackling boom throughout the empty lobby.
"Shit," he said numbly, and he jumped to the ground to grab all of the brochures and to also collect himself, popping back up like a daisy. Eyes narrowed, he scanned the teller line again. No one was watching—hey!
There was someone watching. A guy, in the middle. An attractive guy; probably one of those types that got any girl he wanted, simply because he looked the part. His jaw was pronounced despite the fact he was Asian, and he was staring Naruto down in an awkward sort of sultry seduction—that or complete irritation.
Yeah, it was irritation.
Glancing to the side, Naruto searched for the blonde, happy when he spotted her staring at her computer screen. Deciding to just get this done and over with, Naruto forwent the deposit slip, surmising to just do it the old fashioned way and demand the money.
He stepped up to the line, his eyes practically boring into the blonde in order to get her to tear her attention away from the keyboard she was currently mashing holes into with her fingers.
"I can help you over here."
It was that guy. Naruto stared at the blonde harder.
Obey my will! Look at me!
Her eyes didn't part with her computer.
"Sir." The voice was curt, almost demanding. Taking one last stare at the blonde-haired blue-eyed beauty, Naruto let out an inward sigh, swiveling in his spot in order to approach the guy seated in the middle.
Slight change in plan.
There was no way he could tell a guy, 'gimme all you got'. And that was the exact phrase he had planned on using. At least with a girl he could pretend they were in a club and he was putting out, but here…and to a guy? Hell no.
He'd have to write it instead.
"Do you have a sticky note?" Why didn't you ask for ad deposit slip, you knucklehead??
Eyes so dark they bore no color at all narrowed at him. Naruto's squinted in return.
"…deposit slip?" he tried again, moving his hand a bit in a way that hinted he intended to write something. Those dark eyes didn't leave his own, and by fluke Naruto noticed a shiny nametag on his left polo-pleated breast.
Sasuke.
How did you even pronounce that?
"There are deposit slips at the island."
Naruto stared. Seriously? If he weren't so stubborn Naruto would have thought to try this whole robbery thing another day but unfortunately, things couldn't wait.
"Yeah, and they're also somewhere on your station," Naruto quipped, brandishing his condescending remark with an award winning smile. The glare increased and the man frowned.
"I'm not giving you one," 'Sasuke' said, and Naruto frowned.
"Why not?"
There was a pause.
"Because I'm not giving you my number."
"Heh…" Wait a minute. "Say what?"
"You heard me. Sorry to burst your bubble. I don't date idiots." And with that the dark haired man turned to his computer, looking as though he suddenly had something very serious to attend to.
"That's…ewww!" Naruto's jaw dropped. "I wasn't trying to—what the—ewwwww!"
A dark eyebrow quirked and Naruto stared at the teller in ghosted confusion. "I want a deposit slip!"
"No."
Naruto fumed. "I'm a paying customer—well, sort of—and I demand a deposit slip at once, Sas—Sasu…Mr. Sassy-pants!"
A burst of bubbling laughter erupted from the other end of the line where the blonde's head quickly ducked out of sight. Naruto frowned. He was getting nowhere with this.
"If you're going to speak to me in that tone, I'm going to be forced to call security," 'Sasuke' said with boredom, and Naruto's nostrils flared.
"You…! You're lucky!" Naruto pointed at him and turned in a huff, storming towards the door. "Next time…Next time…!"
And with that, he ducked out of the building.
The nerve!
As Naruto walked a bristling path towards his car he hardly noticed the man in a ski-mask fly past him, headed for the door.
"That measly sonnova…and he's gay!" Naruto's face contorted again at the prospect of asking for his number. Although, it wasn't as if he was unattractive…
"Oh no…!" Naruto grabbed his head and crouched himself into a ball on the ground, pouting to himself. "Now he's made me curious…!"
Eyebrows furrowing as dirty thoughts erupted in his mind, Naruto popped up, staring at the door. There was no way in hell he could leave feeling so damaged, without having even said an intelligent retort in his own defense.
He bunched his fingers into fists and practically jogged towards the building, his face looking a bit like a dog's out a car window as he braced for the impact of the air conditioning. Storming in, he pointed a finger at 'Sasuke's station and shook it madly, ignoring the fact there was a very tall customer already being helped.
"You…! You should be asking for my number!" was his intelligible response. He nearly shoved the customer out of the way as he eyeballed the teller, not paying attention enough to realize that 'Sasuke' almost looked frightened for him.
"And what's that look for?" Glancing down to the counter, Naruto saw a deposit slip with something scribbled on it. "Oh! So you'll give this guy a deposit slip—" he said whipping his attention to the man standing next to him.
Funny it was so hot out and the guy was decked out in black, and even wearing a mask.
"You sick or something? Trying to sweat it out? Don't come to the bank man," Naruto said, shaking his hands in the negative. "Do you feel the air conditioning in here? It's probably why this guy's so cold hearted—"
Naruto tore his attention back to 'Sasuke', before glancing down to the deposit slip, finally reading the words.
'Gimme all you got'
Naruto frowned. "Hey, that's my line!"
Then it hit him. Blue eyes widened and met with the teller's, his lips pursing, his mind finally comprehending why the man across the counter from him looked like Naruto was a complete idiot.
A complete idiot in danger.
"Haha, well, um…yeah." Naruto set the note down and pointed at Sasuke, trying to laugh off the realization. "Well, it was nice seeing you again. Gotta run—"
He was about to turn around when sirens erupted outside, causing his mouth to curl up into a quiver.
Am I going to be arrested?? That wasn't in the plans!
"Everyone, on the ground!" the robber yelled, and Naruto gulped when he was grabbed from behind, something cold against his neck. Letting out a completely complacent sigh, Naruto felt annoyed.
"Stupid move," he said and his hand came up to grip the arm curved over his shoulder. Gripping it tightly he swung the man over his shoulder, the gun firing a hole into the ceiling. The whole move barely took any effort, and Naruto licked his lips.
"My dad was a cop!" he yelled condescendingly as the man smacked into the tiled floor, knocked unconscious. The room seemed cool for a moment before the serious expression in his eyes faded back to carelessness, and he dusted imaginary dirt from his hands.
It was only a matter of seconds before police burst through the doors, and Naruto's head hung low. Now where was he going to get the money? He would have stared harder at the robber beneath him had a cop not ushered him away, intent on hearing a statement.
And really, Naruto didn't want to give one.
Hours passed and Naruto felt like death, interviews taking forever and police scattered like roaches on the linoleum tiled floor. Letting out a tired sigh, Naruto almost jumped out of his pants when a cool hand touched his shoulder.
In it was a pink piece of paper.
Naruto narrowed his eyes and stared up at 'Sasuke' before ripping the paper from his hand, not even bothering to look at it.
"I thought you might still want that sticky note," 'Sasuke' said lazily, looking bored.
Naruto snorted.
"And by the way, it's pronounced 'Sas-ooh-kay'."
And with that, the Asian teller disappeared from sight.
"Alright, you're all free to go," an officer said, and Naruto pulled himself out of his chair like he was a lumbering old man who hadn't stood straight in years.
"You may be hearing from us in the future—"
"Yeah, yeah," Naruto waved his hand, knowing the drill. He left the building and stalked towards his car.
It wasn't until he was home and plopped on his couch that he opened the note, and realized there was a phone number on it.
Naruto scowled.
"Ewwwwwwwww!"
a/n: Somehow this is incredibly funny to me. Knock on wood that I never get robbed for writing it though.