Silence in a Shattered World
Summary: And it all ended because I didn't have the strength to break something that didn't exist in the first place
Disclaimer: I do not own
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In the heat of anger, I fought finally with my Demyx.
I brought his faults into the harsh light. I condemned him for the paper romance we suffered through, for the lack of fire and love that we couldn't have felt anyway. And I screamed a name (Larxene, Larxene) and he did not deny but accused me in turn.
I was asking too much, he said.
I had him, his "love," our status of boyfriend and boyfriend. Why did I need more? Why was he required to date me, to even speak to me? And the curses flew, and neither made sense, and I screamed and screamed and screamed.
And then he remembered his Xemnas-sent orders not to break up with me, because the Superior "worried about my health" (not true not true not true) and he came groveling back.
I didn't want to forgive him. I really didn't. After the fight, I hated him. Any love I bore for the musician was scalded from my empty chest cavity by that fire-red devil Anger. But his eyes were sad and I, unable to break even the nonexistent heart of Demyx, forgave him. And we embraced and promised it was "all okay" and then went off our separate ways until our next chance meeting.
But Anger was my companion still, and I sought out others to scald with its fiery tongues. First Namine, the sister-figure who always lent an ear to my problems. I told her she did not care, and only listened to shut me up. Then Lexaeus, my brother-figure who had been there with comforting arms and a shoulder to cry on since before I could remember. I told him he didn't love me (though technically he didn't) because he hated my problems and wished I was "normal". The oaths spit from my mouth in his directions were the fiercest, embers of Anger directed at him who loved me as much as his not-heart allowed. And then Marluxia, my ex and former enemy only now presenting himself as a tentative friend. I told him he was using me, he had been unfaithful to me, he had never cared for me.
And with three enemies where three friends should have been, and three blacker holes in the blackness of my chest, I sought out my only remaining friend: a razor (Xaldin's) for I was no longer allowed near kitchen knives or scalpels.
And the scars came again, and the blood came again, and the pain came again, and the feelings came again. And I loved it, I loved it, and I was whole again and happy again and alive again…
…but even this friend betrayed me in favor of my Anger-demon. They combined and slit the scars too deep, rending flesh and reaching bone until spots spun before my eyes and I knew, I knew, I had gone too far
Amidst the spinning stars and approaching darkness, I mouthed a final soft plea for forgiveness to Namine, to Lexaeus, to Marluxia and mostly to Demyx…
…and then my traitor friend, my bloodstained silver Judas, fell from my hand and there was silence.
It was all over.
And it all ended because I didn't have the strength to break something that didn't exist in the first place.
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To my Namine, Lexaeus, Marluxia and Demyx—I'm sorry, and you should know I really do love you guys.