A NEW LIFE
I rewrote this story on Sep 2006
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I wake up slowly. I start to glance around but as soon as I notice the white walls, I abruptly close my eyes. No. Not again.
Closing my eyes doesn't help much, because my other senses are alert now. Noises and all sort of scents assault my still sensitive senses.
I should be used by now. This is my "home away from home", after all -The Cascade General Hospital.
I try to move but it hurts too much and so I dial down all senses. Slightly numbed, I open my eyes again and dare to take a look around.
Now I definitely feel better; Blair is here. He's sitting beside my hospital bed, reading a get-well card from Simon. Our former Captain has kept tabs on us these past 5 years, ever since he retired.
I'll thank him when I see him. His message has put a little smile on my Guide's lips.
I take a little time to watch him; Blair is doing the deep breathing that calms him and helps him deal with pain. He isn't physically hurt thank God, but our bond is so complete I'm sure he's literally feeling my wounds.
I'm sure he's been here since I got wheeled in, bleeding all over myself. I got shot (today? yesterday?) after an undercover operation that went bad. The new Captain made a blunder when he planned the sting; we all knew it and kept trying to warn him but he just pulled rank and prevailed.
I'd be dead if Blair hadn't insisted on backing me up. In fact, he argued with the Captain and would have been suspended on insubordination charges, had Rafe not been there to remind Captain Hess that the situation was indeed dangerous, and that every cop in Cascade would gladly help.
In the end, Blair was right. It was his and Rafe's quick actions that saved my life.
My Blair, so protective and courageous. In the twelve years that he's been my partner as a cop, he's saved my life more times that I can count. More times than I want to admit, because it's me who should be protecting him.
I can't help thinking that if he were a Professor in Rainier he'd have less gray in his hair, less worry lines around his eyes, less reasons to distrust people. He'd probably be married, have a bunch of little Blairs, and maybe a little Jim, named after me out of friendship.
I've tried to compensate his losses by loving him and remaining faithful to him, but let's face it; nothing I ever done for him will equal the sacrifice he made for me.
I look at him and realize there's blood on his sleeve. I open my mouth and try to say something, 'Oh, Chief,' I'd like to say, 'you should go home and clean up, sleep, forget about all this violence.'
But all I do is cough a little, and Blair blinks, as if coming out of a trance. He eagerly turns to me and I can see the relief in his eyes.
"Hey" he says, and places a hand over mine. I look at our hands together on my chest, the thin gold bands twinkling in the faint light.
I squeeze his hand, but he doesn't squeeze mine back and I look up. The expression on his face is one I know very well. It's his 'See-things-my-way-for-once-in-your-life-damn-it, Jim.
I'm afraid I know what he's going to say and I brace myself.
"It was just the shoulder, Blair-" I start.
"Yeah." He says, "This time."
I try a little sarcasm. "Like you've never been shot at?"
"Oh, I've got plenty of scars, Jim. I'm proud of them, believe me. But maybe it's time to admit that we're not kids anymore-"
"I know what you're going to say and the answer is no."
"Jim, retirement isn't a dirty word."
"Chief, what am I going to do all day?" I sigh, "Besides, we're not that old- you're only 43-"
"Oh, man, I'd work more years if it weren't for these assignments we're always getting-"
"Chief, we're cops" I say, patiently "We follow orders-"
"Sure. And if Rafe and I had merely followed orders and not insisted on keeping tabs on you-" Blair's voice breaks. He gulps and looks away for a few seconds. He looks back at me and whispers, "Jim, I had to beg for back up! The Captain was willing to send you in alone! You'd be dead now if-"
"Well, I'm not" I said, patting his hand "You backed me up and we finished the job -which is what we get paid to do, by the way. The Captain..." I shrugged, "He's new on the job. He'll learn."
"When? In five, ten years? How many cases will he assign us before he finally learns? Besides, this is not the first time this happens, Jim. Since Simon retired we've had to prove ourselves over and over in order to stay together as partners! Every time there's a badass psychopath around, we're the ones who get the assignment-"
"We're the best around-"
"Being the best has nothing to do with this! Jim, they don't care about us; in their minds we're expendable because we don't have kids. Homophobia wears many faces today."
He doesn't know how much his words hurt. More so because he's right. He's always been able to verbalize my fears, even the ones I try to bury deep in my heart. He's an eternal optimistic who has no trouble in admitting that there's no gratitude in society's mind, while I'm the grouch, who's desperately clung to the belief that after all our work and sacrifices, we'd be protected by our brothers in blue.
What a joke.
"We're the best," Blair says tiredly now, "Dead or alive, we're poster boys for the PD. If you had died yesterday, you'd be a hero and all of Cascade would be in mourning; the cops would get great press. But at the end of the day you'd be dead and I'd be left alone. Alone, Jim."
"That's a risk for every cop, Blair, married or not." I insist feebly. I take a deep breath, "Look. I just don't want to retire while I still can do my job; after all, the new cops look up to us, and -"
"That's what I've been telling you these past years!" he says eagerly and I cringe because I've just given him the opening line he was hoping for, "We could get jobs as instructors, Jim; work for the new generations, so to speak. We'd only work part time. We'd get a cut in our paychecks, but we don't need that much-"
"Chief, I'm not cut out to be a teacher. I know you'd love to do it and if you leave the force I'll support you, but-"
"Jim, I would never leave you alone!" he replies indignantly "I'm your partner, and we're in this together!"
I look away and focus on the opposite wall.
I know he's right, but this is a tough decision for me. I wish I could just tell him how terrified I am of leaving the force. I've been a cop for so long that I don't know what else I could be. And what's the good of having my senses if I'm not going to use them against crime? Without a job to use my senses on, I'll be just a boring old man, and Blair will realize he made a bad decision by sticking with me.
"You could at least try, Jim," he says, gently "Captain Juarez from the Academy says there's a bunch of instructors about to retire, and he'd be glad to have us."
"I don't know," I resist "I want to please you, Blair, but this would be hard. Those few hours working at the Academy would do nothing for me-"
"But we could have lots of activities outside the Academy!" he leans a little and by the puppy-dog look in his eyes, I know he's about to say something that I won't agree with, "For instance, that Golf Country Club that your father left you-"
"Absolutely not, Blair! I'm not doing anything about that place! Setting up a country club would ruin the forest out there-"
"Oh, hey, I agree," he says gently "Do you know something? I believe your dad himself realized it was a bad idea. Don't you think it was strange that he bought the shares, only to stall the project? I believe he wanted to preserve the forest and that's why he left it to you. He knew you wouldn't be interested in a club -"
"Damn right I wouldn't!" I say indignantly and then I realize he's smiling, very pleased with my outburst, "Wait a minute," I say, "Why are you talking about the Club?"
"Think of all the good we could do with it, Jim; there's lakes and woods, all that clean air-"
"Yeah, so?"
"I'm talking Park, here, Jim!" he exclaims, and suddenly Blair sounds like the kid I met fifteen years ago, full of life and ideas, "An animal preserve!" he continues, "Educational Camping trips for inner city kids!" he wiggles his eyebrows, "A little cabin for us...?"
I look away because that little wiggle still melts me. He places both hands on my face and gently forces me to look at him.
"Think of all the possibilities, man!" he insists, "Uh? What do you think? Come on! I'm sure you can come up with some idea!"
And suddenly it hits me. He wants us to do this together. He needs me, not my senses. This wonderful man has loved me all these years. Me.
He looks so enthusiastic I make an effort.
"Well... what about camping trips for retired cops?"
"Yes!" he nods enthusiastically.
"Little fishing trips for senior citizens...?" I hesitate, "If Simon helps-"
"Yes! Man, I knew you'd get great ideas! Oh, and how about a refuge for abandoned pets?"
"A refuge for animals from circuses..."
"...Well, that would depend on the animals, Jim, after all, Cascade winters are rough."
"Yeah, yeah, but can you imagine all the things we could do? " and I find myself arguing in favor of his own idea. He smiles; he's pleased with himself and I can't help to smile too. "We can do a lot of good" I admit.
"It'd take a little money, though."
"Let's sell the house." I say.
"Your house? Are you sure, man?"
"Yes, Chief. I was never going to live there again. I never understood why Dad left me the house and the club, but you're right. Maybe he did think I'd do a little good with them. Let's sell the house; let's create Cascade Nature Park!"
"I think Blairison Park sounds better."
"No way, Chief. The Elliburg, maybe," I tease. Blair leans a little closer and lays a gentle kiss on my forehead.
"So, Jim?" he says softly, "Are you willing to along with my idea?"
Suddenly, I'm feeling confident and full of hope. I truly believe that a guy like me can do lots of things after all. I can make my Guide happy, for example.
"I am"
He's delighted.
"Really, man? Let's retire?"
"Yes, Chief. Let's start a new life"
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THE END