"Hey, Sirius?"
"Hmm?" He looks up at Remus from his Potions essay. They're sitting in front of the fire in the Common Room, but Remus is antsy.
"Can you teach me how to cast a Patronus?"
Sirius sets his essay aside. "But you got it in class earlier. You don't need me to teach you."
"Mine wasn't corporeal. Yours was spectacular." Sirius sits back, thinking fondly of the large, dog-shaped Patronus he'd managed to conjure in class that morning.
"You know non-corporeal Patronuses work just as well—" But Remus shoots him a puppy-dog face to mirror his own, and he gives in. "Fine. I'll help you practice. But Flitwick said not everyone can cast a corporeal Patronus. If it doesn't work—"
"It'll work. I'll get it." Sirius rolls his eyes at Remus's cock-sure attitude but doesn't question him further. They still have a little over an hour left of their free period, so they head off to find an empty classroom to use.
The first one they come across is the Transfiguration classroom. Sirius moves to the front of the room, clearing away a few of the desks to make space for them to practice.
Sirius walks into the open area, flourishing his wand dramatically. "Watch and learn." Remus smirks, leaning back against one of the desks. Sirius closes his eyes for a moment, focusing. A smile grows on his lips, and, eyes still closed, he casts the charm. A shaggy dog almost identical to Sirius's Animagus form erupts from the tip of his wand, running around the room energetically before dissolving in a puff of smoke.
Remus watches it, then Sirius, in awe. "Beautiful, isn't it?" Sirius asks, walking over to sit on top of McGonagall's desk in the front of the room. "'Course, yours might not be quite as magnificent as mine. Could be like… a toad or a spider or something. Guess it only matters that it works, but anyway. You try."
Remus does, feeling a bit silly as he conjures a small shield of white light. Sirius gives him a sympathetic look, but shrugs.
"You've got to be happy when you cast a Patronus, Rem. Come on, perk up. Won't you smile for me?" Remus rolls his eyes, but gives him a small smile. He tries again, but he's not really expecting a different outcome, and he doesn't get one.
"Did it feel different when you got it to take form?"
"Are you asking if I did anything differently?" Remus shrugs. "I tried a different memory. The ones I was using before, they weren't enough. You need to fill yourself with as much happiness as you can hold. Pure joy. The best memory you have ever experienced, the best you've ever felt."
Remus shakes his head, rolling his eyes. "And if I don't have one?"
"Bollocks." Sirius grins at Remus's chastised expression and leans forward. "But… If you can't find any to remember, we could always give you a new one." Sirius's nerves are a dense ball. They've never done this before. They've never even talked about it, but it feels right. Maybe. Remus hasn't backed up, so maybe that's a good sign. Maybe he should stop over-thinking and just—
Their lips meet. Remus never expected it to be this soft. Sirius can be so hard, so sharp-edged. But this, this is tender and as pure a feeling as Sirius described. Remus can't even think of anything else besides the fact that he never wants this to end.
But it does, of course. Sirius and Remus look at each other, both so dazed, so happy. "Try it now," Sirius whispers.
"Expecto Patronum." The words are steady. He says them with a confidence he's never used with this charm before. But before he even waves his hand he can feel the magic inside him. He knows it's going to work.
It does. Remus feels his heart sink to his feet. A great, silver wolf bounds out of his wand, shooting forward to fend off a non-existent threat. He hears a cheer from Sirius, but it's distant. All he can hear clearly is a loud ringing, is the memories of his own howls and cries each month. It's a fucking wolf.
Remus swallows hard, trying to push back the tears threatening to fall. Sirius is at his side in a heartbeat, but he's hesitant. It's as if he's scared to go too close, scared of how Remus will react. But Remus pays him no mind. It's getting harder to breathe, Remus doesn't feel like the oxygen is filling his lungs as it should. His vision dims just a bit, but whether it's out of anger or anxiety, he can't tell. He kicks out at whatever he can reach. He watches Sirius's schoolbag hit the wooden desk in front of them.
He wants to cry, to scream, to fling something off the top of the Astronomy Tower and revel in its crash at the bottom – maybe himself. But instead, he mutters, "Sorry."
"Kick it again."
Remus's eyebrows crinkle and he looks at Sirius as if he's suddenly sprouted a second head. "What?"
"You heard me. Kick it again. You're still angry, get it out."
"I—" Remus can feel his whole body quaking. He wonders if Sirius can, too. But instead of kicking the bag again, he lets himself break. "Fuck," he whispers. "I was better off before I could cast the damned charm properly. I wish I'd never gotten it. I'd rather have a useless wall of smoke than that." Tears are streaming down his cheeks now, and he's more angry at them than anything else now.
"Oh, Remus," Sirius mutters. He wraps an arm around Remus's shoulders hesitantly. Remus doesn't shrug him off, so Sirius pulls him in a bit tighter, hugging him. "I'm so sorry." They sit like this for a few minutes. Remus's body shakes, but Sirius holds him as steady as he can.
"This—this charm," Remus hiccups. His tears have subsided a bit, leaving his breathing ragged and heavy. "It's supposed to represent joy. Your true self. This—" He gestures at the air in front of him, where the wolf disappeared shortly after it was conjured. "What does that mean for me?"
"Nothing," Sirius insists. "It means absolutely nothing, Remus. Just bad luck, really. You're still you, that damned wolf does not define you." He rummages in his pocket for a minute, eventually pulling out a chocolate bar and handing it to Remus. "Here. And no," he added, noting the questioning look on Remus's face. "I didn't eat any of your chocolate. But yes, I do know where your secret stash is. I just figured I'd bring some along. This charm can be pretty emotionally draining. Chocolate seems to help."
Remus looks up at him, seeing the care and concern in his eyes. "Thanks," he whispers, taking a piece. He offers one to Sirius as well, who takes it. "Thank you for teaching me, and I'm sorry for… for that."
Sirius grins, taking a bite of the chocolate. He waits until Remus has had some too, before leaning in for another kiss. "At least something good came out of this, yeah?" Remus smiles up at him. He's always loved how Sirius can make him smile even after a meltdown like that. "I love you," he murmurs, leaning into Sirius's shoulder. Remus lets his gaze drift off to the floor, pensive and quiet.
The click of the door behind them makes them both turn. Professor McGonagall is standing in the threshold. "Ah, sorry, Professor. Do you need the room?"
"My next class isn't for half an hour. Is everything alright here?" she asks as she makes her way into the room. Remus wipes the tears from his cheeks, but he watches Sirius rather than answer himself.
"Just working on our Patronuses. Bit of an emotional process."
She smiles at them, understanding. "I see you've already discovered the restorative properties of chocolate. Any progress with the charm?"
"We… erm. We both managed it, actually." Sirius doesn't break eye contact with Remus as he says this. His eyes are brimming with pride at Remus's accomplishment, and he knows he should be proud of himself, too.
"That's quite impressive, especially at your age. What forms do they take?"
Remus watches Sirius carefully, wondering if he's going to answer for both of them. "Mine's a dog."
"Sirius indeed," Professor McGonagall notes, referring to the mythology of his name. "And you, Lupin?"
"Remus's is a… well, it's a wolf." Sirius's voice drops off as he answers, practically undetectably quiet by the end of the sentence. Remus is trying not to think about it, and he's hoping that McGonagall doesn't ask him to repeat.
"Ah." The look of realization on her face shows she's put together the pieces. "Remus," she says, her voice growing softer. "I will say this. The form of one's Patronus is capable of change – usually due to a strong emotional or personal shift, but it can change. Not to mention, the mere fact that you conjured a corporeal Patronus is a very great feat, even for fully grown wizards. You should be very proud."
Remus is pretty sure there's some sort of twisted irony in the fact that his Patronus takes the same form as his boggart. Looking into Sirius's eyes, he tries not to focus on the shape. He just thinks about the fact that he managed to cast the charm, that he kissed Sirius Black. For now, that could be enough.
A/N: Written for: Assignment 1, Potions task 4: Write about a first kiss; Fortnightly – Postal: Remus Lupin, Section 3: Write about your character casting a patronus; Writing Club – Character Appreciation 30: (spell) Patronus; Disney Challenge Q2: "Come on, perk up. Won't you smile for me?"; Book Club – Moon Eye: (word) pensive, (emotion) sympathy, (creature) spider; Showtime 27: (plot point) asking for help; Lyric Alley 19: And I'm tryin' not to cry; Emy's Emporium – Greece 1: Write about something pure – Greece finished bonus; Lo's Lowdown C6: (trait) Unlucky; Funfair – Northern – Ice Cream: 36 (Sirius Black) and 60 (Remus Lupin); Seasonal – Days of the Year – June 18: Write about somebody having a panic attack; Shay's Musical Challenge 4: Write about someone gaining something and then realizing they don't want it anymore; Gryffindor Themed Prompts: Remus Lupin; Gryffindor Common Room; Hamilton Mania – Act 2: 4 (food) chocolate; Optional Prompts: 29 (word) confidence; Insane House Challenge – 894: (trait) Over-emotional; 365 Prompts – 208: (plot point) A first kiss; Writing Month July: wc 1590