Disclaimer: Tsubaaaa-san doesn't belong to me
Pardon too, because I never write in English (i read all time, but i dont write in this language -´´´). And my words are poor. I only translate my original text to hear your opinions on the fic. So please, give me reviews.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
It was deadly quiet in the room.
But I was not sleep. In fact, I was not not even in the bed. I was sitting in the desk in the corner; slouched forward, face down buried in my hands. The only thing that proved I was still alive was the up and down, the fixed rhythm when I inhaled and I exhaled.
I was not crying, but it was close to this.
Now, you can think that a sad person, near of breaking, is down, abated person and holding the pain in the chest for not tumbling. But that would only be it that a common person would do...
I was far away from being so silly and fragile. Nobody that see what I saw, or do what I did, it would simply drop so easy. Ohhh, no ...between to be cut inside, and give it, there was a long way.
First the pain would come inside, the emptiness, the despair. The imminent fear that comes together with despairing, and the will to scream and to hold on to something and to cry.
But something into me give me forces to hold. Away. My soul look for an escape. Something good in the situation. A form of overcoming, and hold back the pain. But, not always there is an exit...
Ahh, there again, the will of crying. I close my fists with more force, with hate of me. Hate of me to be hurting me, hate of me to be an useless one and not to have gotten anybody there for helping me. Hate of the own pain.
I rise now, it is a flowing, an elegant gesture they would say. Foolishness! It is nothing else than repressed energy. If I free this, it I would be whole instinct and magic, no any coherent thought anything. An energy as the wind... in the moment a thorn. Is that what I am, repressed energy. I don't admire myself of me to be active the whole time, it is very difficult to stop when there is so much things to see and to do...
I could leave now and training to fight, I wonder. If only to be outside and to float, to slide, to avoid imaginary blows, as like I deviate of the real blows. Me nor think to do that sorte of things, I am so cold and calculated that I get to see all the movements of the enemy before they arrive, and I avoid them for pure reflex. From where that comes, I don't know ...is like i´m. The game. I know I´m better, and I mock of them (the enemies), always looking them in the eyes, the whole time.
I feel pleasure in those fights, a morbid pleasure to be strongest. And so, no uso my whole power. Kurogane, he feels its self so strong and confident, but he is so weak and foolish. He is sleeping there right now, my innocent sheep. I saw that ego illusion in his eyes in the first day.
He assumed force, nut he is realy weak. And I? I intented to be so foolish, weak and pathetic, but difficultly I am.
And I like to show that for him.
Ku-ro-ga-ne.
You don't pass of a fragile and insecure child, you is sooo afraid to like someone. Because you fear too much the lose. I see that in each fiber of your body, and I play every day in its fact. Because I see. And you? You never say it is a lie. Because? Because nobody can fight against the truth.
My smile only enlarges with the idea of tease you. It is almost a carnal pleasure, feeding my sadistic line.
(Yes, it is sadism. Try! Try to leave the other person anger. To much anger. And if you want to laght of this, to laugh of rolling of so uncontrollable. You will feel that that is sadism.)
I can already see myself, inclining my head for side and closing my eyes in a type of imitation of soft adoration, the falsest and loving of the smiles. A shameless flirt.
-Kuro-pin-pin is so sweet.- My mouth would say, just an innocent game. My eyes, however. it´s saying: you would be a grace in clothes of fairy, with a rod and growlig, grauu, grrrrr. Like a dog. Doesn't it seem adorable for you? Mokona is imagining it right now. And if laughing of you. You are pathetic Kurogane, your mask is riduculous. Big-bad-grrrr-pupyy. Until more pathetic. Nobody would love a fool, deceived, like you.
You (the reader) now will tell me: You are a monster, I thought that its games were innocent!
Monster? I smile sad. Yes, I am! I laugh, I close my mouth because or else I will laugh at to death and wake up the fairy dog Kurogane. How can you think anybody that smiles while in battles, as if it mocked of the enemies, it would be normal?
Yes, you want to excuse me. To say that I smile the whole time to not worrying the people. You will try to take my better side, my innocence and kindness. Because you want this.
It is true, I hate to be a burden But only this.
What this have to do with teasing Kurogane?
Ahhh, is true that the bruten childrens like to do jokes to humiliate the others. But who is it ridiculed knows. It doesn't pass of insecurity of the who made the joke. To decrease him and to feel superior.
It is exactly that that I do. The beggar looks in my eyes and he knows that my smiles are false! He knows that mine refuses insistent in fighting against others, is not kindness or pacifism. It comes from the fact that if I loosen to my rage, I will kill somebody.
I have a miserable work for make me look like a fool, innocent and inoffensive guy. Do you think I am EXULTANT of him to see me as I am?? Only prove that, I incompetent in faking. Or maybe, he look more than the childrens. And that is a DANGER!
I want somebody like he far away! Because this I insult him.
He hate and aack my self protetion! I offend him in change, laughing of the one of him. We changed offenses to each glance, each word. But he is no like me (that am false as a snake), he is a hundred times more sincere and shows your anger and deffende your honour.
Unh ...I talk a lot, he, he. Great part of my pain is leaving now. It should be for the fact that I am writing, it is almost morning.
But I didn't still explain the cause of my acess of pain. Well... is simple ...nobody can be totally for by yourself forever. And I was very close to be again alone again...
Don´t was a big deal, but...Today there was another attack of monsters. It was particularly ugly because Syaoran dropped and Sakura almost ran for him interfering in the line of attack.
I can say that. My eyes stared and my heart stopped and I was paralyzed there. It was because I was very far for interfering, I ponder. But I don't know if it would be different if I could make something.
Happily Syaoran cheated, your sword found a miraculous angle to the creature's heart while he was fallen.
Even so, part of me died today.
The illusion that them three are immortal.
That, the sword blow... was luck. No know-how. Syaoran is not imortal like I pray for him to be. Nor Kurogane skin is made of iron. Nor Sakura as so innocent as I want.
And I am frightened again. Frightened of leaving them close, because I don't want you lose them. Because that I could not sleep like I faked. That I am up to now with hate, hate of liking of them.
Sakura already saw that. She sees the distance that I maintain with my fake smiles, and respects it. She is so mature, I love her for that. She would know how to say good-bye to me, with tears but she would understand my fear. I am only human, at most.
But kurogane, he is like me. And would hate me if I left. He hate my distance. He has hope that if me lowers my defenses, and leave the others enter, he can also be strong to do that by yourself.
I say I was the strongnest, right? And I am... but I don't want to be. Strong, because I know that if I love them - and losing - I will survive.
Look at for me! There are, Ashura and Celes, buried alive for my hands... and here I am, alive. A survivor.
I don't want to let then enter. Not for fear of breaking.Not. Just because I know...I´m not be broken. At least, I am after all a junction of traveling broken pieces.
I was rotten tired of suffering... I want to lose the fight. Only once time. And to be broken. To die. I pray for dying.
I don't want to be its example of force. I don't want to be the strongnest of us two. Only once time Kurogane, answer my insults and react. Show me my place, that I cannot ridiculate you. Show me that I am weak and pathetic ... have pity of me. Let me to die, or take me with you.
Because, of all the people, you trust in me, you want to see the real me. Of everybody, you are the only that who is screaming for me to be better, to have more courage ,give more.
At least, since you won't let to break. Make me stay by your side. Also, give me the real Kurogane too. Let me in your heart. Don't force me to be the strongnest, if I fall, hold me and let me hold you too.
My rage ended.
I pray now, that when I wake up you breaks my teeth until me want smile trustly. Because I feel that already love these childrens. And I want to have you by my side in that road.
Fye D. Flowright.
Twelfth week of winter for the cycle of Celes.