Chapter 1: Let The Game Begin

*A/N: This story takes place within the Brawl universe. Yes, I know it's late 2015.*

It was a good day of smashing in the SSBB universe. Many fights were fought amongst the characters of Nintendo and beyond. Some people won, some lost, but everyone had fun in the end. And just as the sun began to set over the Subspace Lounge, a human, a Hylian, and an anthro bird walked through the doors.

"That was a good day on the battlefield, wasn't it, guys?" Link asked his brothers in arms.

"Oh hell yes!" exclaimed Snake. "Nothing gets my blood pumping like a good brawl... or two... or a hundred. Sure brings some life into me now that there's permanent peace in my home universe."

"I feel ya, man," replied Falco. "And the good thing is that no one dies."

The three approached and sat down at a table in a corner. Just as all of them were settled in, however, a familiar voice was heard.

"Heeeyyy, guys!" Zero Suit Samus said excitedly and very uncharacteristically. "Look what I have!" In her hand was a long black box marked with three words: CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY.

"What do you have?" Snake asked with a quizzical look on his face.

Samus sat down at an empty chair and placed the box on the table. "So the game's called Cards Against Humanity. The way it works is that one person, also known as the 'Card Czar', draws a black card and reads it aloud. The black card will have a question or an unfinished sentence that players will have to complete using white cards. Then once everybody's done submitting their white cards, they're shuffled and read aloud by the Card Czar, who then decides which combination is the funniest. The player who submitted the winning card gets a point. The player with the most points at the end wins the game."

"Sounds interesting", Snake said. "But where does the 'against humanity' part come into play?"

"A lot of the cards are... quite unsafe for work, maybe even offensive to some," Samus answered. "So if you've got a weak spine, you probably shouldn't play this game."

"I'm not really offended by anything, so you shouldn't worry about it," Link said, shrugging.

"Neither am I," added Snake. "Matter of fact, usually I'm the offensive one among my crew."

"Long as there's no cards about insulting birds, then I'm in," Falco responded.

"OK! Let's play," Samus declared, opening the box.

STANDINGS: Samus - 0, Snake - 0, Falco - 0, Link - 0

"So the rules say that the first person to be Card Czar is the one who... pooped most recently?" Link read from the instruction manual.

"Yeah," Samus said. "It's that kind of game."

"I went just before we got in here," Snake chimed in. "So I guess I'm the first Card Czar."

"All right. Let's get started," Samus replied.

Snake took out all the black cards and put them in a pile in the center of the table. Then he took the white cards and dealt ten to everyone else. Finally, he drew a black card and read it. "What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?"

After a few minutes of everyone looking over their cards and deciding, the white cards were ready to be presented.

"OK, so you're all in?" Snake asked.

"Looks that way," Falco answered.

"All right." Snake shuffled the three cards around, and read them off one by one. "What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming? The invisible hand. ...Well, then."

"I can see how that would be both disturbing and charming," Link commented. "It would be charming because you don't see an invisible hand everyday. But at the same time, what's the hand doing?"

"Very true," Snake agreed before continuing on. "What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming? When you fart and a little bit comes out."

"That's gotta be embarrassing," Falco said, trying to suppress laughter.

Snake read the last card. "What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming? Miley Cyrus at 55."

"That ain't charming," Falco said. "That's just disturbing."

"Oh, you never know," Samus countered. "She could grow up and realized that she did a lot of fucked-up things as a 20-something and go back to being wholesome."

"OK, my pick for the winner is 'When you fart and a little bit comes out'," Snake declared.

"Yes!" Link shouted.

"Congrats," Samus said, patting Link on the back. "All right, who's Czar next?"

"How about we go clockwise, just like the old-fashioned way?" Snake suggested.

"OK," Samus said. "That means you're the next Czar, Falco. But first, everyone has to draw a new white card."

Everybody took a new white card. Meanwhile, Falco drew a black card, cleared his throat, and read it out loud. "What left this stain on my couch?"

Link stared intently at his hand, trying to decide which card would by the perfect answer to the question proposed by the black card. There... he saw it. He tried to stifle his laughter as he handed the white card over.

This groovy new thing called LSD, Samus thought. No, that's not good enough. Hmm... A Super Soaker full of cat pee? Amusing, but seems like a ploy for points. What do I choose? ...Aha! This is a winner. Sorry, whomever this card could potentially offend. She handed over her card of choice.

Snake held two cards in his free hand, trying to determine which one would be better to hand in. Eventually, after a quick round of eenie-meenie-miney-mo, he handed a card in.

"OK, we're in," Falco said, gathering and shuffling the three cards. "What left this stain on my couch? A botched circumsicion."

"Oohh..." Link said with surprise. "Someone is likely to get burnt here."

"Continuing on... What left this stain on my couch? Sneezing, farting, and coming at the same time. I don't get that. How the hell is that possible?" Falco asked with a slight nuance of disgust.

"Bad timing, I suppose," Snake answered. "Just continue on."

"What left this stain on my couch? Pooping back and forth forever," Falco read. "Once again, how is that possib- Wait, don't tell me. I'm already getting the visual."

"All right, bud. What's it gonna be?" Samus asked.

"And the winner is... 'Pooping back and forth forever.' Thank you, whoever played that, for mentally scarring me."

"There's one point for me," Snake said. "Samus, you're next."

Samus gave a new white card to everybody, then read the black card. "Behind every powerful man is... whatever your best answer is. Good luck, guys."

After everybody handed in their cards, Samus began reading them off. "Behind every powerful man is Grandpa's ashes. Poor Grandpa..."

"I know, right?" Link said knowingly.

Samus read another card combo. "Behind every powerful man is Bill Clinton, lying naked on a bearskin rug with a saxophone."

"That card's a winner for sure," Snake commented. "Wish that card was mine."

"So basically you're spoiling it for everybody by saying you didn't play that card?" Samus questioned, grimacing slightly.

"Hey, it'd be a different story if I said that card was mine," Snake shot back. "That way, it'd be a real spoiler. Anyway, please continue."

Samus read the last card. "Behind every powerful man is classist undertones."

"Well, somebody had to make a political statement right there," Link said.

"I'm gonna go with the Bill Clinton card," Samus decided.

"Yes! Two in a row," Snake said.

"I thought you said you didn't play that card," Samus said, a look of disbelief on her face.

"I did it just to throw everyone else," Snake admitted, winking. "You learn strategy like that when dealing with Metal Gear for the past 20-plus years. Of course, I liked the classist undertones card. Who did that?"

"I did," Falco answered. "Can I get half a point for that one?"

"...OK. How about from now on, the winner gets one point while second place gets half a point?" suggested Samus.

"That's basically giving the winner two points while the runner-up gets one," Link pointed out.

"Actually, that's a better idea. We'll do that instead," Samus said.

"I think we should change the scores to reflect that change," Snake added.

"Will do, Snake."

STANDINGS: Samus - 0, Snake - 4, Falco - 1, Link - 2

"My turn to be Czar!" Link exclaimed, taking the pile of black cards. He handed a new white card to everyone else before reading the top black card. "What's there a ton of in heaven?"

This is painfully obvious, Snake thought to himself. All the people who claim to be the chosen few invited into heaven are stupid conservative Christians. Glad I'm an atheist. He pushed the white card over to Link.

Samus and Falco handed over their chosen cards to Link. Link started off the readings with: "What's there a ton of in heaven? Shorties and blunts."

"Sounds like the set of a gangsta-rap video," Snake commented.

Link continued to read the combinations. "What's there a ton of in heaven? Heteronormativity."

"Well, that would make sense if all those goddamn street preachers yelling at everybody were right... which they're not," Samus chuckled to herself.

The final card was read aloud. "What's there a ton of in Heaven? Kids with ass cancer. ...That's cruel. But hey, it's a party game for horrible people, according to the box. So I'm gonna go with shorties and blunts for the first-place card."

"There's two for me," said Samus.

"And for second place... I kinda feel guilty for saying this, but kids with ass cancer."

"That's mine," Falco said. "It sounds horrible, but that's how you play the game."

And with that, the first round of Cards Against Humanity had come to a close. Next round, however, things get a bit more interesting...

STANDINGS: Samus - 2, Snake - 4, Falco - 2, Link - 2

*A/N: Feel free to submit your winning card combinations to use in this fic! I'll credit you when it gets used.*