1
Students rush through the hallways with smiles on their faces. Each of them are too excited at the prospect of another school year ending to notice the introvert lost in the chaos of her own mind. The package in my hands feels like it was crafted from steel, mostly from my thoughts and the symbolic weight it carries with it.
My nails are down to nothing more than stubs, and I find myself continuing to bite them in frustration. Nevertheless, I shove the package into my backpack and shove my way through the bustling crowd with my head down. If my mother knew that I was about to skip AP Chemistry, she would have my feet glued to my bedroom floor-even without knowing the contents of my bag. "Ooh, are you finally being a little rebel?" A familiar voice cheers quietly as they swing an arm over my shoulder.
"No, I just need some time to figure out what I'm going to say to her. Plus, I won't be able to focus on anything Miss Holloway says until I do." Jade gives me a sympathetic smile as she pulls me into a half hug. "Do you know anywhere we can hide out for a bit? I really have to figure this out."
"Sometimes you act like you have no idea who you're talking to." She laughs as she pulls me out of the main school building. "So, what's the plan? I mean your mom has to know that you're graduating sometime before you get your diploma or the cards start pouring in."
"You think I don't know that?" I question as a fresh way of goosebumps rise on my skin.
"Luckily, my dad is going to be back on Sunday. So if anything goes wrong, he'll be there to help calm her down. The main question I have is how to remind my tiger mom, who has had my whole life planned out, that I bypassed a whole grade and am graduating early."
"Wouldn't she be happy? I mean, this is great for you. Plus, it looks amazing on a college application." She sighs as she brushes back a piece of her perfect, nearly-black hair from her eyes. "Wait, are you still considering that gap year?"
My eyes flicker around the stairwell and anywhere they can find as I meekly nod. When I first heard that my extra curricular activities and excessively hard work earned me the chance to retest my status at school, I was thrilled. The first thoughts that came to my head were memories of all the adventurous dreams my dad has filled my head with. Dreams of once again seeing Europe, hopping on a train until I hit the next coast, and finding all the things out of reach of this town.
Of course, it all became more solidified when the test results pushed me ahead another year, which landed me in the same class as my best friend, Jade. That's when the dream didn't seem so far fetched and strange. It felt like if I pushed myself and reach for it-it would be here. My dad thought the same thing. Until we remembered-my ambitious mom. She would always be pushing me to be like her-except better. So a year off from my education is simply a waste of time to her.
"It's all I've been wanting this past year, Jade. Every mid-night study session, excitement over good grades, page of meticulous notes, and second of hard work was me pushing myself to convincing her I earned it. I've worked my butt off for as long as I can remember, and all I want is one glistening moment of freedom. A moment when I chose where to go, who to be, and what I do before I nail myself down to a career for the rest of my life. I know, it's stupid, but it's a part of me."
"Lee, I'm your best friend, and I would never call you stupid. In fact, I'll punch anyone who calls you that, even it meant breaking a nail." Her chuckles carries as we leave the cramped stairwell and into the open air. "Your mom can't see it, but you're just like your dad. All the summer road trips, book obsessions, and imaginative ideas are what tie you two together.
"Unfortunately, that's not something you share with her. Instead, you two are both stubborn, determined, and intelligent people. She loves you, Lea. If you can get it through to her that this is something you need to do and make her see how important it is. I'm sure she'll understand."
"Thank you." I sigh before smiling up at her. "I think I know exactly what I need to say to her."
Jade just brushes the hair off her shoulder with a proud smile. "Perfect. Now, let's go celebrate this momentous occasion. How about we sneak off to the cafe?"
. . .
"Hey, Mom." I greet as I set my bag on the kitchen floor. "How was work?"
There's a deep sigh that escapes from her mouth as she continues to pour over the stack of papers in front of her. "It was stressful, hectic, and full of idiots who can barely add without a calculator. I'm honestly about to request a new assistant to write down my dictations." There's another harsh noise from her as she furrows her brow at the paper. "I can't even tell what I was trying to say here."
"Let me see." I whisper as my courage from earlier dissipates. "It says 'Tokyo meeting was pushed back to next Tuesday. London wants to advance launch date. Talk to Cavanaugh and Vaughn before the next board meeting." I tell her as I read over the scrambled notes with ease.
"Do you have a moment? I need to talk to you about something."
"Just give me one minute, and I am all yours." She mumbles as she corrects the notes. I bite my lip as I grab my backpack. Her gaze instantly snaps to me when the package makes a loud thump against the marble counter. "What's that?"
"It's my graduation announcements." My voice comes out weak and strained. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about."
"Lee, you're a junior. Now tell me, what's really in the box." She chuckles and opens up the package. Her eyes widen when she sees the contents, and realization follows a moment later.
"Oh, these are graduation announcements. That right, I almost forgot you tested out."
"Mom, I was actually hoping to talk to you about what I'm doing after graduation." I pause and stare down at my trembling hands. The simple silver band on my right thumb feels like it's growing tighter with every second, and my fingertips feel like they were dipped in ice water. "I want to take a year off. Especially since I'm only seventeen, it would feel weird being in college classes with everyone older than me. Dad said he thinks it's a great idea. Plus, Jade is staying in an apartment off campus and offered to let me stay with her."
"Lee–" My mom starts with the tension building in her voice, but she has to take a moment to compose herself. "–you know how I feel about gap years. They're a waste of time and only hinder your chances of getting into a good university."
"I know. It's just–it's important to me, Mom. I want to be able to pick the right school and take some time for myself. It's not something that can be crammed into one summer."
"I am not having this conversation with you. The answer is 'no.'" The harsh edge in her voice makes me jump back in surprise. "Your dad may think it's good for you, but he lives in fantasy. I exist solely in reality. You know, the place where you understand what all this hard work has been for?"
Usually, I would nod my head without any arguments, but this time I don't–can't back down. "Mom, this is my decision. I know you don't approve, but I work ten times harder than anyone else. Don't you remember when you were my age? When you first met dad? The times that you just wanted to run and end up where you may?" My voice becomes rough and squeaky. "All I want is some time. Time to see what's outside of the classrooms and textbooks, to meet new people, and to learn what a professor can't teach. I'm sorry if that doesn't fit in your 'plan,' but you can't plot out someone's life for them. I mean, is that even a life at all?"
Silence drapes across the room, and the air between my mom and I. She looks away from me, and I wipe the tears from my eyes. "I'll consider it." Are the only words that she whispers, her voice gains a bit of strength as she continues. "Just give me some time."
. . .
The shouting match hasn't stopped since the moment my dad walked in the door. Even now, as I blast my music through noise cancelling headphones, their words come through muddle but clear.
Each moment of shouting causes the guilty ache in my chest to get worse. My parent's relationship has been precarious for most of my life, and this argument might just be the nudge that tips it over the edge. This was my worst nightmare. It was the thought that kept me up at night and haunted my waking moments. The idea that my need for freedom could be the final crack in my parents chipped and crumbling marriage is the one thing I could never forgive myself for.
Although, both of them made it clear that anything that happens between them is never my fault. The blame simply lies with too many differences and too few similarities. It never really helped when my dad let it slip that I'm adopted. Even though I had my suspicions long before, it seemed like the greatest fracture in their relationship.
"I finally finished reading that new novel you gave me." I beam across the table to my dad, who sips on his scotch with a wide smile. "Are you up to talking about it after dinner?"
"Sweetie, don't you have homework to do?" My mother questions as she clears up the plates from the table. I notice the glare she casts his way. "She has a lot of work to get to, Zach. Please, try to keep the distractions to a minimum."
He rolls his eyes back at her before turning back to me. "So, bean, tell me why you picked your favorite character." I grin widely as I spend the next twenty minutes rambling on about the strength, independence, and flaws of my favorite character. "You definitely are my daughter." He whispers into his glass, which causes it to echo louder than he expected. "I mean, at least you share some of my interests."
"Dad?" I bite my lip and feel as the chapped skin grates my teeth. My voice falls to where it's barely above silence. "Why did you guys never tell me I was adopted?" His eyes widen in panic, and his face reflects the defeat he feels. There's no use in lying anymore, not after the years of continuing the charade. "Don't tell Mom I know?"
"I won't, bean." His eyes become teary as he strokes my hair gently. "I can promise you that."
That was the night that brought my dad and I exponentially closer, while simultaneously expanding the barrier between me and my mom. It only made it worse when she found out he had been telling me the small bits of information he knew about my birth parents and how he was always willing to help me find out more. It was mostly because he didn't want me to go through the eternal torment he faced. He never wanted me to spend my life questioning why they gave me up or wondering if I was really loved. Instead, my dad, Zachary Mitchell, spent his spare moments making sure I knew he cared, that he loved me, and no matter what that I'm his 'little bean.'
Mom wanted to take the different approach. She thought that ignorance would have been the better situation for me. In her mind, if I never knew, there was no reason for me to question their love or who I was. I understood her reasoning, she never wanted anyone to take her place as my mom, but that could never happen.
The gentle knock on my door pulls me out of my introspection, and two faces appear in the doorframe. "Hey, bean. We have some things we wanted to talk to you about."