Yes, I know what you're thinking : again, another Mondler story set up at the end of season 4 :p

I just wanted to write this one... It's from Monica's point of view, I tried to put myself in her complicated mind (well, since I have one myself too it was easier ^^) and it'll have several chapters. Don't expect Monica to understand her feelings before a few chapters (just a warning... I like to drag things out :p).

Chapter 1 : Just Wanting To Feel Desirable

I drink. Again. I don't know how many glasses I had. I don't care. I'm not drunk yet but I intend to be in a couple of hours. I want to forget everything. I'm sitting down at my table, silent. My eyes are staring at a point far away, but it's like I don't see anything. I'm lost in my toughts, I think about what that drunken man had said. I'm not that young anymore. I kissed only one guy since Pete a year ago, and it was a fiasco. Sure, I shouldn't have picked Richard's son... This night, I'm not thinking about getting married, having babies... which is weird. I'm just worried. Could a man still be interested in me in a sexy way ? It's stupid I know, I shouldn't care about that. But tonight, that's all that matters. Suddenly, I become aware of all the other people in the room. I study the faces : there are some attractive men, but I don't feel like hitting on them. I want to feel desirable. I want THEM to come to me.

Chandler is sitting beside me, silent too. He seems bored, looking down at the table. He was sweet earlier, but I didn't take what he said really seriously, after all he's one of my best friends, of course he was going to say all those nice things to comfort me. I sigh, and Chandler raises his head : "You ok ?"

Of course I'm not... I know it's a rhetorical question but it annoys me. Come on Chandler, you see and know I'm not okay tonight... But I smile : "Yeah... I'm just missing the girls I think..." I lie. "I'm gonna use the phone at the reception to talk to Phoebe or Rachel, I'll be right back." He smiles back at me : "'K Mon, I'll be waiting here."

I go to the reception and feel so alone over there... I need a man. Not a man to cheer me up. A man to make me forget I'm getting older, a man to make me feel beautiful, a man to kiss me... and more, obviously. I dial the phone number of home, Phoebe answers quickly and seems so happy to hear me that it makes me chuckle. She starts speaking about Rachel but I quickly interrupt her (maybe I'm a bit drunk already) : "Phoebs I don't care ! A man just thought I was Ross' mother ! Am I so old ? I mean... I can't be the girl you spot in the room and wanna have sex with anymore, right ? It's over, I'm not sexy anymore... I'm just a woman good to procreate..."

Phoebe seems confused... "What ? But... I thought you want to have a serious relationship, babies..."

I nod, even though she can't see me : "Yes... but not tonight. This drunken man made me think. Tonight, I wanna have fun again. I want meaningless sex. I want to feel desirable, sexy. But not one single guy came to hit on me... Gosh, I'm so depressed..."

There's a blank, then Phoebe speaks up : "You know... If you want meaningless sex... I know someone who's really good at it. He won't bother you with feelings afterwards."

I sigh : "Thanks, but I need it tonight, not when I'll be back in New-York..."

My friend then says : "Oh, he's in London..."

I feel a jolt in my heart : could I feel better soon ? "Really ? Who is he ?"

I hear Phoebe taking a big inspiration : "I don't know if it's a good idea, though..." I'm suddenly exasperated : "Come on, tell me ! Who is this guy ? I already want him !"

Another blank at the other side of the line. Then Phoebe's voice, almost in a whisper : "Joey."

I'm shocked. I hadn't think about him. But she's right. He's the better solution. I know him, I'll be less afraid to go to see him (well, I still need a few drinks to do that, though). He won't ask for a relationship after that. It won't be akward : I'm not in love with him and I know I won't be. He won't be either. He's great in bed. We'll laugh about it later. Plus, if I'm drunk enough, I might not remember it well. Perfect.

I thank Phoebe (who seems quite embarrassed and starts saying : "Wait, about Rach..."), hang up and go back to the "party". Chandler is still there like he promised. He smiles at me : "Feeling better ?" I don't wanna talk to him. I could talk to him for hours, because I'm so comfortable with him, and that's not what I need right now. I quickly nod and ask him : "Do you know where Joey is ?"

He seems surprised. Why wouldn't he be ? Joey is not the one I'm looking for usually. He hesitates : "Errrrmmmmm... he's with the other bridesmaid, I think he's gonna score again tonight..."

I panick a little bit. Shoot. He already found someone to sleep with tonight. "Oh man..." is the only thing I say before falling down on my chair. Chandler seems concerned : "Is there something important you need to tell him ?" Great. I'll be stuck here, speaking with Chandler, who seems almost as depressed as I am. Great couple.

"Doesn't matter", I mumbled. I get up and go searching for drinks. Chandler follows me. God, why doesn't he just give up ? Leave me alone, Chandler ! I don't want your nice company ! I want sex ! But I can't say that to him. He's so sweet. He's next to me while I'm drinking again, talking about the drunken guy, about the fact that I'm beautiful, and that I'll find the man of my life very soon, and I'll have beautiful babies, I'll be happy and I'll forget about this night and this rude man. Shut up Chandler. I'm not in the mood for this kind of talk.

A few drinks later, the room starts to spin. I think I'm drunk enough to do this. Chandler insists to bring me back to my hotel room. He keeps asking questions ("Are you sure you'll be fine ?", "Do you want me to stay ?", "You sure you'll be okay tomorrow ?"...) and I only answer by yes or no. I really want him to shut up.

Finally I'm alone in my bedroom. I stay there for a while, preparing myself. How should I do this ?

TBC...

Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it and you want to know what's next :)