Dear Peter,
I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing this letter but something has made me pick up this stupid little pen and write to you.
Maybe it's because I saw Simon for the first time in ages yesterday and he has shot right up. (Which means he's probably taller than you now but then again being taller than you isn't exactly hard is it? ha ha)
Maybe it's because I just had to pop in to see Anna Windass to speak to her about Roy and just being stood in our old flat made me feel really weird, like I had gone through some warped time machine or something.
Maybe it's because on the way back from a meeting I passed my old building earlier and it just filled me with memories of that night we first got together, the night we first... well, you know the goings on in that flat, so I don't have to sit here and spell them out for you do I?
Or… Maybe I'm writing this because...
Because he proposed last night.
He proposed and I didn't hesitate to say yes.
Actually when I think about it I didn't say yes, I screamed it.
I jumped into his arms and wrapped my legs around his waist and the ecstatic smile on his face made me feel so giddy that I still can't get the smile off my face.
Do you even know who he is?
Maybe you do or maybe you don't... but you definitely know him.
If you don't know then you'll be livid when you find out who he is, you won't understand how it even came to be but that's okay because neither do I.
I never imagined I'd find such a pure and unconditional love in him but I have.
He's so different to you it's unreal.
In many ways he is your complete opposite.
He's serious a lot of the time whilst you are mostly sarcastic.
He's patient whilst you are the opposite and… If I'm honest he's forthcoming whilst you were so secretive.
I still remember the way I felt when you were forced to tell me the truth and yes, I say forced because you only told me about what you did because you thought I'd hear it from her.
I remember how in an instant you went from my one and only, to a complete and utter stranger.
I remember how much I couldn't understand how some one I trusted so much could cause me so much pain.
I remember how I couldn't comprehend how you gave another woman the very thing that you promised to only me.
Even now... I still don't understand the choices that you made but I guess I never will and that is something that haunts me everyday.
I'm still unsure of why I am writing this but I guess it's because I need you to know a few things.
First I need you to know that I sometimes wish things has been different.
I could write a list as long as my arm but one of the main things I wish...
Well I wish you would have been more truthful.
Not just with me but with your self too.
I wish that at whatever point you decided to go down that dark and dingy path of self destruction, that you had just told me about it and that we could have worked through it together.
We might not have made it I agree, you might not have been able to stop yourself from ruining us but at least we could say that we had given it a try.
Don't get me wrong, maybe we still wouldn't have made it.
Maybe we were always destined to just be a whirlwind rather than a forever but now that I think about things… maybe me and you could have been something else.
Something else...
I know that sounds ridiculous, that the thought of me and you sitting in the pub and having a quiet drink together is insane but I think given a lot of time… Me and you could still have something special.
Obviously not a romantic relationship but a friendship... even just a polite hello every now and then would do.
I dunno… I just think it's a shame that we don't even speak anymore.
It's strange because as I sit here and I write this, I know that I truly am content and content used to be something that I thought I would never feel again.
I honestly thought I would never recover from you.
I thought that you had damaged me in some way… That I would be unable to trust again or to love again but by some miracle that is not the case.
I do love again and I trust completely.
He will never hurt me in the way you did and that, I am sure.
I can be sure that we are good together no… scratch that, me and him are perfect together.
I can be sure that we will stay together until we are eighty years old and that we'll hobble down those cobbles together until the day we die.
Now you may say that I was sure that you wouldn't hurt me and that I should learn from my mistakes but you know what... that man has shown me that I can be happy again, that I can laugh again and that I can love again so I am willing to put my life on the fact that I can be sure again.
In spite of all those things that I can do again… There are some things that I'll never be able to do again, because of you.
I can't listen to Lana Del Rey anymore, which is a shame because I really fucking loved her music.
I can't finish that Lost boxset either because we only made it to the start of series four and I'm mad about that because I'll never know if they made it off that flamin island.
I can't eat mint chocolate chip ice cream because I know how much you loved it and how it's your favourite. The mere sight of it makes me think of how many times I'd come home from work and see you sat on the sofa with a bowl of it in your lap.
I can't inhale a single bit of cigarette smoke without being reminded of the horrible yet wonderfully familiar way you used to smell when you'd come home from work.
I can't have Nick call me baby. He called me it once and it freaked me out, it freaked me out big time but I just couldn't tell him why. I can't call him baby either but that's okay because I'd never actually want to... I guess in the cheesy words of Mariah Carey, you'll always be my baby.
I also must tell you that I have finally found a place of forgiveness and that I fully accept our past.
I must tell you that what you did opened up a whole new world for me and without that I wouldn't be the woman I am today.
I must also tell you that I will always… always be grateful for you and everything you did for me.
You truly saved me at a time when I thought I had nothing left.
You were my best mate and we're almost like two halves of the same person.
We both have the same sense of humour and if I had a quid for the amount of times you made me laugh I'd be a millionaire but we also have the same demons… which is also why we probably didn't work out in the end.
Alcohol, our childhoods, lost babies and horrendous past relationships… Me and you have been through it all.
We were just too damn alike and I think the reason that me and him work so well is because we are so different.
He makes me step out of my comfort zone and I've recently done things I never thought I would... because of him.
Now I don't mean this letter to cause you pain... Please don't let my words make you think that what I felt for you wasn't real because the truth is...
I adored you Peter Barlow.
I still smile when I think about some of the things that we did together.
I still cherish the memory of how it felt to rest my head on your chest and listen to the sound of your heartbeat.
I could go on forever here, I could write page after page of the precious memories that I have but I won't because I have to get this sent to you.
I want you to read about how happy am because I want you to know that you deserve to be happy too.
You deserve to find someone to make you feel the way he makes me feel.
I don't want you to dwell on us and be sad... you know the old saying...
Don't cry because it's over... smile because it happened.
I hope you smile Peter... I hope you smile everyday... because I do.
Oh... one more thing,
One more thing that I want you to know... I will never forget us.
Know that for the time we were together… we were better than anything.
They'll never be another me and you Peter.
Never.
You'll always be a part of me and I really hope that I'm still a part of you.
Carla.
x