The library was as busy as it always was – if not even busier. Finals were just approaching and students were spending every single minute they could allot crammed around the many desks and seating areas that the campus library provided. I was not particularly pleased with increase of visitors in the spot that I almost considered my own. I had probably been sitting in this library every afternoon since term began and even before that, this was my senior year, after all, and my daily habits hadn't changed much over the past three and a half years. I had of course learnt to expect this wave of students pouring over their textbooks and fervently stressing over everything that they might have missed when they were busy nursing hangovers instead of attending the lectures. One time last year, after the infallible Max Lockwood – a senior who didn't seem to have any level of brain power who survived off a rather large trust fund and some slight expertise in football – had thrown his annual Halloween party, I had been one of the only five that showed up to class the next day. I suppose I should have been embarrassed at my obvious state of not being popular but I honestly didn't care. I was here to get a degree in something that would help me get a job somewhere far from everything I had left behind the day that I left for college – social interactions weren't exactly at the top of my list of priorities.
I had made myself get out of bed an hour earlier than usual this morning as I knew the herd of students would be rushing in those library doors once the clock hit the ten mark and I just couldn't sacrifice my favourite spot. I was unlucky today, however, and ended up having to sit at one of the huge centre tables that provided no privacy what so ever - the complete opposite of the little table with the comfy chair that stood in one of the corners by the history section. There, I always sat in silence and no one as much as poked their noses around the last little corner that would reveal me. Here, however, I had my back to the front doors that were constantly being opened – causing not only a draft but also a rather annoying sound, as the door would slowly swing shut. The temperature was warm – it was May after all, but I had been extra sensitive to any degree of coldness for quite a few years now and the draft was causing some serious shivers. On top of that, I had to share the table with at least fifteen other people who were all engrossed in loud and rather pointless conversations with each other that concerned last nights party and who had hooked up with who. I wasn't interested in the slightest and I was quite frankly debating whether I should head back to my apartment.
Max Lockwood, previously mentioned, was unfortunately seated right next to me and wasn't bothering at all covering up the fact that he was shamelessly flirting with me. I was flustered and quite annoyed, on the point of just telling him to leave me alone. Max was good looking, I suppose – there was a reason for his popularity, but I had no intentions what-so-ever in pursuing someone who blew off all his parents money on beer and expensive cars.
"So, there's this band – the Rootless – who are playing in town tonight. They're pretty good and everyone's going to be there – would you like to come with me?" He asked me with wide, hopeful eyes. I had to smile at his futile attempts at asking me out – this was the third time in one conversation and he would approach me pretty often – but immediately regretted it as I feared that I had just lead him on even more.
"The Rootless?" I inquired in a pathetic attempt at avoiding having to reject him one more time.
"You haven't heard of them?" He looked positively surprised. I shook my head. Frankly, I wouldn't recognise any of the current music scene even if it were standing right in front of me. I hadn't really listened to music in what? Probably over four years now.
"Bella?" Max asked, giving me a slight push when he noticed that I had zoned out on him.
"Gee, I don't know, Max. I have a lot of studying to do, finals start next week – you are aware of that, aren't you?" I answered, knowing that my excuse wasn't exactly original.
"Oh come on! It can't be that bad. It's so nice out now that its warmer and plus – we're seniors, we're supposed to be enjoying ourselves!" He pleaded. I was starting to feel bad for the guy but I wasn't going to budge. If there was one thing I was good at it was being stubborn.
"Max, I have four more exams than you and I was sick those two weeks in February, remember? I'm behind." I rambled, trying to come up with more and more excuses. Honestly, I didn't really need to study – I was well on top of everything thanks to my non-existing social life.
Max sighed loudly and I attempted to look apologetic.
" I would have liked to come if I didn't need to do this, though. I'm just a little OCD about my grades" I continued, giving his arm a gentle pat. I saw him tense a little before finally giving in – for today. I couldn't possibly see why Max insisted on being so persistent. I had never and by never I mean never shown any interest in any of the typical activities that my classmates engaged themselves in nor in any of the people themselves. I would sit in my bubble – entirely focused on my studying and then I'd spend the rest of my hours working the evening shifts at this local bar that was the only place I had managed to score a part-time job at. Sure, college students would drop by every now and then but I rarely even spoke to them when that happened. The way I acted should've ensured that I didn't attract company – I didn't want company, but my plan was failing miserably - The prime example of which is sitting right next to me in this very moment.
"Lets get through these last revision questions and then I think we've been good enough for today." I told him knowing that the temptation of soon being able to head out to see his friends would make him concentrate on actual work for the next couple minutes – hopefully preventing him from asking me out one more time. Max had pestered me into becoming his study-buddy for a few hours and I had accepted in hopes that we would actually work and not try to talk about why I wouldn't accompany him to the bar, the football game, the fair etc.
To my joy, Max actually succeeded to stay on focus for the next twenty minutes, although I could tell that he was growing more impatient by the second.
"Ehm, Bella, there's a guy behind you staring at you." Max suddenly said. My head snapped up and I shook myself out of my study-daze.
"Yeah right, Max. I'm not falling for that" I said and started to turn back to the book.
"Serious, Bella. Why would I make up something like that? It's kind of creepy the way he's looking at you." He said, nodding his head my way. I huffed and sincerely hoped he wasn't playing some stupid joke on me, before I slowly started to turn my head.
My eyes wandered around the room searching for the culprit. When I suddenly met the intense gaze of two insanely familiar golden eyes – a current of shock jolted me into a state of immediate frenzy. I froze and desperately tried to turn my head back to Max, anything to escape the situation I had just been put in. To make it worse, there were two pairs staring at me - one significantly shorter than the other. My breath stopped short and I tried telling myself to calm down. This wasn't possible. I was imagining it all. It was just one of my dreams even more vivid than usual. They couldn't be standing in the same room as me – the odds of that happening were just too low.
People were starting to notice and commotion was rising at the sight of them. They were beautiful – inhumanly so - and were sure to attract attention wherever they went. The fact that they were staring at me wasn't helping things either and I could almost hear the whisperings of the students around me.
"Crap" I whispered and managed to tear myself back to Max.
"Max, I have to run." I said and started shoving all my belongings into my satchel whilst simultaneously trying to cope with the shakes that were ripping through my body and putting on my leather jacket. I was the human incarnation of clumsiness though, so I was fumbling and stumbling all over the place which in turn made a very prominent blush creep up by face as I knew that people were staring at me.
"See you" Max looked a little shocked at what was going on and hadn't moved an inch since the ordeal had begun. I nodded and flung myself towards the doors, they were still standing locked in a state of motionlessness that only they could master. I trembled at the thought of having to come any closer to them but those doors were the quickest way for me to get out into fresh air so that I could battle the panic attack that I knew was going to hit me like a train at full speed.
I lowered my gaze and whipped past them, desperately trying not to trip over my own feet, which was something I had trouble with even on the finest of days. I didn't hear them come after me or even move from where they were standing. I marched straight on, looking for a bench or something that I could steady myself against before I collapsed into nothingness. I stopped as I turned a corner and leaned against the building's façade, glad that the shade was covering me enough to give me shelter from prying eyes.
I took several deep breaths and contemplated running over to my apartment and grabbing some of those anti-anxiety pills that I had been prescribed all those years ago, that I, for the record, had never touched. Now seemed like an appropriate time though – my unusually high anxiety seemed to be spiking. Anger rose up in me then and I felt mad at myself for being so weak and for not being able to cope with things the way normal people would. I was also mad at them for showing up in the one place that I had picked out after a considerable amount of research so that this moment would never come. Good job Bella, way to go, you fail at everything.
No, I was not going to break down and succumb to eternal pathos like I had wanted to do back when I was eighteen. I had become so strong lately and things had been good if not even great – considering the circumstances. I was not going to let this little (okay, it wasn't that little) incident diminish all of that.
So I stood there – steadying myself against the wall and recomposed my emotions. I enveloped myself in that particular fierce- and stubbornness that I had built as a personal shield. I gave myself a great shake, hoping that there hadn't been any more witnesses and took a step out onto the pathway before stomping of towards the parking lot that to my great dismay was halfway across campus.
People weren't looking at me anymore and for that I was very grateful. The people I did see, however, were welcomed with a rather icy glare.
A little bit down the path I walked into my own trap – another one of them was heading straight at me and did not seem to plan on budging once our paths crossed. There was no way I would be able to walk past him so I cowered to a halt and focused instead on steeling myself for what was to come, trying to hold onto the anger rather than the panic. The anger I could handle, the panic would make me crumble which was definitely worse.