Oneshot set in S6 where Rory contemplates her relationship . Rated M for language. Hope you like it!
Logan is walking independently. He was discharged from the hospital three weeks ago, stopped using his wheelchair one week ago and now is able to walk around with simply the aid of a cane, and occasionally Rory's arm. Today he's gone out with Colin and Finn - some guys' trip which they wouldn't disclose the location of. Don't worry Ace. We'll bring him back in one piece. Finn realised his mistake too late, his smile fading, but Logan clapped a hand on his shoulder and said not if I break you first. They all laughed, a little awkwardly, and Logan got ready to go. Colin extended to invitation to Rory but she turned it down - she knew he was only asking out of politeness, that he wanted it be a guys' thing. Rory said she wasn't feeling well which was only half a lie, she has her period, but really, she wanted the time apart. Life has felt cramped lately.
Rory tells herself she's tired from looking after Logan, but it's not just that. There was that feeling before - this tautness, airlessness with Logan, feeling like the apartment wasn't big enough for two. When he left for Costa Rica Rory let out a breath, released tension she didn't realise she'd been holding. And when she got that invitation for Jess's open house - Rory squeezes her eyes shut before going to the kitchen, putting on a pot of coffee. She doesn't want to think about that. She doesn't want to think about what she made happen.
As Rory waits for the coffee to be ready, she takes one of Logan's painkillers. Her cramps are killing her. Supposedly caffeine is bad for that, but Rory's never listened to that piece of advice. Swallowing the bitter pill, drinking the coffee while it's still too hot helps take her mind off things. Rory misses Logan if only so her mind is occupied. She wants him and she doesn't. She loves him and she doesn't. A breath catches in Rory's throat. She has to love him. Not loving him caused this whole thing to happen.
Rory knows it was all her fault. She's kept this to herself, not shared her culpability with anyone, but can hear the empty platitudes - accidents happen, you weren't there, it was nothing to do with you. It had everything to do with her. If she hadn't been so mad at Logan she would have talked to him properly, made him see sense. If she hadn't been so cold and unforgiving he wouldn't have wanted to go, and then he wouldn't have hurt himself. Logic doesn't lie. It's all her fault, she hurt him in every way and Rory swallows the lump in her throat. Everyone is saying how well she's taking care of Logan, helping him recover. It's not enough, this penance. If they knew, if Logan knew - Rory doesn't know what they'd say but they wouldn't be singing her praises any longer. She didn't mean to hurt him. It sounds empty and, Rory knows, it's a lie. She did want to hurt him, a little at least.
Rory was mad at him. All the things she used to love about Logan were frustrating her. His disregard for rules, for responsibility, seemed stupid and his complaints about his life were leaving Rory with little sympathy. She knew Logan was under pressure, but how hard was he fighting it? She knew his dad was a jerk - she had firsthand experience with that - but Logan didn't seem to mind taking his money or using him to get him out of trouble. If he really cared he'd leave, like her mom had, and start over. Logan didn't want to. He still wanted the rich, carefree life, just not the future which came with it. For a guy who urged her to jump he didn't want to risk much. He put his own life in danger, over and over, because he couldn't stand turning it another way. Rory had enough. Logan was smart, anyone could see that, and he had potential for anything, but he was too scared to try. She thought she could help him get there but how do you help someone who won't even get up? And when she tried telling him how hard it's been for her, he flung it back in her face - don't you dare blame me! Rory doesn't blame him but he made it so appealing, the lack of caring, jumping into any kind of adventure without looking back. It doesn't seem fun anymore, it just seems shortsighted and Rory has always needed a plan. When he left, without kissing her goodbye, she knew what he was thinking - no nagging from the girlfriend. Fuck you, she thought. Screw you.
He thought it was just the bridesmaids. He was right when he said she hadn't forgiven him. She thought she had - she wanted to - but it was there, the anger, the thought when he touched her. He lied to her and slept around and didn't even tell her. He was more mad at the women telling her than apologetic. And he told her he's sorry, over and over, and Rory believes him but she doesn't forgive him. She's angry and hurt and humiliated and when she saw Jess's invitation she wanted to hurt Logan too. She wanted him to feel how she felt.
Rory didn't go there to cheat. She wanted to congratulate Jess, tell him how proud she was and how she always knew he could do it, how much she loved the book. And she did - she does - but she can't deny that as she drove she took pleasure in thinking how much Logan would hate this, would wonder about her and this guy. She liked having the upper hand and thinking, if she wanted, she could do something and Logan wouldn't know. Not unless she chose to tell him, throw in his face. She wouldn't seem so mouselike now.
When Rory did see Jess, she forgot all that. All she thought about was how happy she was for him, how she knew he could do it - ever since they drove around instead of studying, eating icecream, and Jess drawled wherever, whatever and she knew he could do more. And he did, he has. He grew up and did everything everyone said he couldn't. Rory can't count the number of times she was told Jess was trouble, that he'd never amount to anything and yet it was she, Valedictorian, who dropped out and needed him to tell her to go back. That still hurts to think about. And Logan, who has every opportunity, resigns himself to his father's vision. When Rory sat with Jess, after everyone had left, all that conflict left her mind. It was just him and her, like that evening in the car, so many years ago, and he was bumping her knee, telling her he knew she loved her work, and she was telling him how she loved his book and then they were kissing and it just felt right, what they were meant to do, and when Rory remembered Logan she pulled back. It was ironic, as Rory had thought if they did kiss it would be because of him, but it wasn't. In the end it was nothing to do with him and that scared her more. If she can forget Logan so easily, so simply be with Jess, what does it mean? She loves Logan. Kissing Jess felt natural, but it can't, it mustn't. If she has these doubts she's wrong - wrong to have stayed, wrong to have tried with Logan. She's messed up, again, and doesn't know where it leaves her. Rory knew, in that moment, she didn't want to hurt Logan - not like that - and that she'd hurt Jess. When she drove away, she felt that she hadn't won in any kind of way, and Jess's words echoed over and over - it is what it is, you, me.
She couldn't shake his words. Not after a whole bag of coffee, a blisteringly hot shower and being bridesmaid at Lane's wedding. She didn't want to go to Costa Rica with the other girls and surprise the guys. She couldn't have gone, Lane was getting married, but Rory was just glad for the excuse. A better girlfriend would want to go. She even hoped that Logan's stunt would go wrong, just so that he'd wake up. She didn't want him to hurt himself, but she thought that, she wanted them to mess up and Rory can't forget that either.
Logan was so sorry when he saw her and words choked in Rory's throat. She could never tell him about Philadelphia. She could never tell anyone. Part of her wants to - screams to share it, tell Lorelai, tell Lane, tell Paris, even - but she can't. What could they say? They'd ask her what it means, and Rory doesn't know. She doesn't want to. She buried herself into getting Logan better, being the person she should have been and a new kind of guilt has emerged in her conscience. She's still unhappy. She still feels restless.
Logan loves her and that makes it worse. Aside from his injuries, he loves her and keeps saying he's sorry, that he should have listened and it hurts to hear every time. Rory doesn't know what she wants, but she feels cooped up and stuck, like she's playing a part which doesn't belong to her anymore. She has this wild urge to go in the middle of the night, leave everything behind, and just drive. Get away from what everyone expects. Rory has a sudden sympathy with her mother's impetuous flight, right before she was going to marry Max. Lorelai couldn't marry him and she couldn't make it better, so why stay? Why pretend at all?
Rory can't do that. It's not Logan's fault she feels this way and if she goes, makes the break, that's even worse than what's already happened. She'll be abandoning him. If she tells him it's over, when he's recovered, what good what it do? Rory would be alone and she's scared of that. She doesn't love Logan like she did but she loved what they had, before, and she doesn't want to let him go, make him believe she doesn't care. Rory knows it's the worst feeling. Jess leaving, those times, hurt so much she couldn't speak. What did I do? she yearned to ask him. Why did you leave me? It was a far greater betrayel than any kind of cheating. Yet when she saw Jess, and they sat in the Truncheon, Rory relaxed and thought, for the first time, that this was where they were meant to be.
It is what it is, you, me. Those words again. Rory takes her cup and goes over to the window looking out. As her gaze settles she thinks back to that lonago trip with her mother, when she was only sixteen and didn't understand love yet. She remembers feeling bemused, sad for her mother and thinking they needed a plan, upset when Lorelai insisted on not having a a map, that they didn't need one. How could you plan a trip without a guide? Rory thinks again of going - just leaving - and her mother's choice makes an odd kind of logic. But, she thinks silently, I don't know how to go alone. I don't know how to be without him there, Logan or Jess. Where would I go? And her mother's voice answers in her mind, we're almost there and nowhere near it. All that matters is we're going. Rory puts the cup down and closes her eyes. She wishes someone could extend a hand, tell her she can do it. Rory has always been afraid to go alone.