Disclaimer: We don't own Doctor Who, or any affiliated characters. We also don't own duck tape. Alas. We'd probably have a small fortune if we did - definitely enough to pay off those impending student loan repayments I'm going to try and ignore until graduation on 18 May.
TARDIS Repairs: All Ducked Up
A Joint Fanfiction by Faye M.A. and Riley Pickett
She enjoyed the mornings where she could doze at her leisure and drift in and out of sleep – as opposed to being woken by some unwarranted alarm. The warmth of pillows and blankets enveloped her, and, if she was very lucky, the comforting rhythm of two hearts would beat beside her as well. She opened her eyes blearily and gently stretched, awakening her limbs, reaching her arm over to the side of the bed where he should have been. However, she was unsurprised to find it vacant.
Crash.
River was thrown rather unceremoniously from the bed, tangled unattractively in a sheet. Instinctively, her hand flew to the nightstand and snatched up her handgun. Eyes wide open and gun ready to fire, she scanned the bedroom view just over the horizon of unkempt bedding.
Boom.
Sheet secured in one hand, gun in the other, she rushed to the console room, hoping to find her beautiful idiot. Surely enough, there he was, spinning around, flipping switches and buttons, desperate to get one step ahead of imminent disaster.
"No! No no no no no!" he shouted.
The TARDIS groaned in agreement and gave a lurch which almost knocked River off her feet.
"Oh good morning!" he said with another turn. "Don't worry; I've got it all under cont – nice sheet."
The TARDIS rattled unappreciatively, and the Doctor quickly turned his attention once more to the console, stroking it tenderly. "There there," he murmured surreptitiously, leaning close. "It's okay. I'm here."
River resisted every conscious urge to roll her eyes. She sighed, gun dropping to her hip as she surveyed his various states of dress – and undress, as the case may have been. No jacket, shirt buttoned with buttons not in their respective holes, bowtie untied, only one suspender actually suspending, no shoes, and one neon green polka-dot sock.
He frantically surveyed the scene, forgetting his wife (still clad in only a sheet), all the while sputtering, "I need . . . I need . . . I . . . I . . ."
His hands worked their way from his slightly messier than usual bedhead to the silk tie around his neck. Eyes widening in realization, he slung it from under his collar and triumphantly hoisted it before his elated face.
"Yes! You brilliant beauty!" he exclaimed, tying a quivering lever into the "up" position.
The TARDIS gave a final jerk before plummeting onto what was most likely unfamiliar ground. In the silence that followed, he drug one hand through his hair and released a measured breath. "Right," he whispered. After a second, he whipped around and flashed his wife a becoming grin. "Breakfast?" he offered, arms wide.
A couple hours later, after stacks of fluffy banana pancakes, the Doctor found himself involved in one of his favorite pastimes: tinkering.
River, now suitably clothed, strolled into the control room and found her husband hard at work – on what, she did not know. "Everything okay?" she called, unsure of the full extent of the situation.
"Everything's fantastic!" he exclaimed. "I've made the most amazing discovery!"
"Oh?" River crouched down to see the object of his fascination, anticipating some wildly ingenious creation that only his brain could have conjured.
"It's the most mind-boggling substance," he enthused. "Truly its potential is unmatched. In the right hands, it could be a weapon! People create boats and planes and wallets and prom dresses out of it; and, it comes in exciting colors! Humans practically worship this stuff!"
Before she even had a chance to formulate a response, he flung a blunt object up at her, which she caught after fumbling with it. A roll of sliver Duck Tape glinted up at her, and she shook her head, smiling at his childlike joy.
"You know this will never hold," she said gently, trying to ground him back to reality and prevent another odd fixation – he'd finally gotten over the bunk-beds.
"Rubbish!" he declared. "It fixes everything! I once heard a common earth proverb: 'If you can't Duck it, chuck it!' Well, the original colloquialism involved slightly less polite language, but the sentiment remains!"
River turned the roll over in her hands. "Sweetie, it looks like you're running out."
"Oh, that's okay! I've got more!" He threw rolls up at her as he named them. "TARDIS blue! Bowtie red! And this one has mustaches!"
River set the tapes on the floor, watching him work like he knew what he was doing. "All very exciting, I'm sure," she said wryly.
"Of course it is!" He poked his head out and grinned up at her. "I use Duck Tape now. Duck Tape is cool." He paused, glancing off into the distance. "I wonder if it could fix cracks in the wall." After a moment, he shrugged, saying, "Nah."
She sighed, leaning forward. "Well, if you're going to run off and traverse the galaxy to find new uses for this . . . tape," she placed a sultry hand on his chest, taking note of the almost imperceptible increase in his heart rate, "I suppose you wouldn't mind if –" She slipped her fingers inside his jacket and plucked out his Sonic Screwdriver.
For a moment, he sputtered, lost for words. Then, he stammered, "Not fair! You did the funny-touchy-hearts-fluttery thing!" He put out an expectant hand, coupled with a slight pout.
River, not giving in that easily, backed toward the door, waving the Screwdriver teasingly. "Oh come on, Doctor," she enticed, rapping the wooden doors with her knuckles. "We've just fallen out of the sky, and you don't even have a clue where we are."
He stood there, torn slightly, fingers still sticky with tape residue.
"It might be an adventure; it might not." She shrugged. "Impress a girl."
At those words, he bounded toward the door, leaving his precious rolls of tape behind. He retrieved his Sonic and tucked it safely away into his jacket pocket. "Well now, what are we waiting for?" he asked, grinning coyly and pushing out the doors. Then, he turned back and held out his hand; River took it without a second thought.
Author's Notes: Thank you to the people who gave such positive feedback to "It's Been a While"! Faye and I really adore the support and kind words that were sent our way - you truly make this whole process just a little more fun. This was actually inspired by something I overheard while in the faculty room one day at student teaching, and the whole idea just kind of stuck. Hope you enjoyed it! If you have any ideas for stories that you'd like to see us write, let us know! Feedback of any kind is appreciated. Thanks for reading! ~Riley