Disclaimer: No, I don't own Grey's Anatomy or the characters. Merely borrowing.
A/N: This came out of nowhere. I sat down to write a positive Lexie/Jackson one-shot, and this came about instead (sorry in advance!) And whether it is angst or romance or friendship, I plan to bulk up the Lexie/Jackson stories on this site, haha (: Anyway, as always, please let me know what you think! (:
"You don't love me."
The words come out of your mouth before you can stop them.
And then there is nothing you can do.
You have to stand there and watch as she lets out a heavy breath, her body trembling ever so slightly but you notice, you always notice. She is staring at you with wide eyes and shaky lips and rosy cheeks and everything about her, everything about this scene screams perfect, she is beautiful, even now when you know that, in this instant, she will break your heart.
Her mouth opens, and you can see the thoughts running through her mind and across her eyes but they don't reach her mouth. She says nothing.
But you know.
You always know.
You're very intuitive, especially when it comes to Lexie Grey.
She is terrified, you know that, and you want to reassure her because you are so damn scared too, but you can't say anything – and really, would it matter?
She doesn't want you.
Perhaps she never did.
The thought hurts far too much to consider, but you know it will creep back into your mind, etch its way into your heart when you are alone in the nights to come. And then, when you are alone with your thoughts and memories of this woman in front of you, it is then that you will admit to yourself that this could never work.
She loves Mark. Not you.
It's never you.
A list of names trail through your hazy mind as Lexie steps closer to you, not quite touching but near enough that you can smell her subtle perfume and the scent of the body scrub that is sitting in your bathroom, next to your shaver. When she places a delicate hand on your arm, Cristina's name flashes in your mind. She never wanted you either, she saw you just as some guy that she could flirt with when things were going wrong with Owen. And now, that is all Lexie has been reduced to in your mind. Another woman that has used you for her own benefit.
"I'm sorry."
Her voice is heavy with the sorrow that you knew was inevitable. Of course, she is sorry. But you do not want her to apologize. You just want her.
You lick your lips nervously as you glance down at her and her redeemed brown hair. "I guess I should have seen this coming," you joke feebly, causing her shoulders to slump forwards. "I guess I always knew this would happen."
"Jackson…" Lexie shakes her head before a few tears slip through her barriers. "I-I can't do this."
And you know her so well that you know she means that she cannot be with you, and she cannot deal with her love for Mark and her feelings for you. And, despite everything, a part of you feels sorry for her. There is still a part of you that wants to take her in your arms and tell her it is going to be okay because damn it, you still love her.
You love her.
So freaking much, that it is tearing you, slowly ripping away at your heart, as you tell yourself you have to let her go.
It doesn't matter that you love her. She needs to be with someone else.
Taking her gently in your arms, you allow yourself one more moment of being this close to her. You rest your cheek against the top of her head and when you feel her sob quietly against your chest, you feel the emotion well up inside you. This isn't fair. But you know this is what has to be done.
You need to let her go.
You need to let her heal without you.
But for now, you will hold onto her for a few more moments until she lets go first and slips away, and it is only then that you will try to pretend that this isn't happening.
You get an invitation to their wedding.
It feels like a stab to your delicately repaired heart.
Lexie was going to become Lexie Sloan.
Sloan. Lexie Sloan. Lexie Grey-Sloan.
You can feel your heart turn black in your chest.
Of course, it was expected and you know, at the back of your mind, this was inevitable. They had been together for three months now, and despite wanting to take things slowly at first, Lexie getting married to that douche was bound to happen.
However, that doesn't make it hurt less.
You throw away the white and gold paper.
You wish that you could throw away your love for Lexie Grey that easily.
You go to the wedding.
You sit in the third row, in between Bailey and Alex, and you try to ignore the thumping of your heart and the squeeze of your gut every time you catch a glimpse of Mark standing at the front of the church. When Lexie walks down the aisle, Meredith and Molly in front of her, your face remains blank and your jaw clenches when you see Mark grin.
He doesn't deserve her.
He doesn't love her like you do.
You know you are being irrational because he obviously does love her and really, you are the one that never deserved her. You were just the rebound guy. You are unimportant and that is the way you will stay.
Lexie smiles all throughout the ceremony and the brief moment she catches your eye, her smile doesn't slip. The sickly sweet smile remains on her face but you notice the subtle change behind her eyes. A flash of surprise and fear and something else. It disappears just as fast as it appears and when she turns back to Mark you are left with a welcome emptiness.
You don't go to the reception.
Instead, you go back to your apartment and ignore the fact that even now, even after she left you for someone else, you are still in love with Lexie Grey (out of some pathetic defiance, you refuse to call her by her rightful surname).
A year goes by and as you work with her in the hospital, things become better.
It's become manageable you think as you work on a case with Mark and only once do you find yourself wanting to punch him in the face.
It hurts sometimes when you see them together in the hospital or at Joe's, because once again it reminds you of the fact that you are still alone. There is usually a dull stab of pain in your chest but you have become excellent at ignoring your emotions.
One day, she approaches you, a timid glow radiating from her as she stumbles out the words, "G-Good morning, Jackson."
You look down at her in surprise because usually, she only addresses you when she has to. You have to admit, it's a rather pleasant surprise. When you catch a glimpse of her engagement and wedding ring resting on her finger, you expect a fatal blow to your heart, you expect seizing pain and loathing for the woman in front of you, but nothing happens.
Maybe this is you healing.
And so, you return her shy smile and reply with a new found ease, "Good morning, Lexie."
Friends.
Lexie proposes the idea one night in the locker room and you are cornered. Being friends with her seems trivial and not worth the heartache that will surely accompany the relationship, but the masochist in you accepts the offer.
You are now friends with Lexie Sloan.
It is a strange and foreign concept to you because you know that Lexie and you have changed but that doesn't matter.
You are her friend.
It is as if your relationship with her never happened, and although you think that should hurt you, it doesn't because things are better now and that is all that matters.
He cheats on her.
You aren't surprised.
But you don't say anything when Lexie turns up to your apartment in the middle of the night, half-drunk and crying.
You are just there for her, because after all these years, you still want her. You know you shouldn't because now you are strictly just friends but you can't help it, you are a moth and she is the flame because damn it, you are lured to her because you still love her.
You've ignored the feeling for a long time, but now, seeing her so broken causes the emotions to flare up inside you. There have been other women of course, and there will be other women once Lexie returns to Mark, but for now you allow yourself to indulge in the love for her that you had trapped in a far, dark corner of your heart.
When she starts kissing you, her tears wet your face and when she runs her hands over your bare chest, the scratch of her wedding ring burns a trail into your skin.
You ignore it, of course.
Because you are with Lexie and it makes you feel alive.
As she leads you to your bedroom, all you know is that you want to make love to her and help her forget the pain that is choking her. All you want now is to pretend that she is the old Lexie Grey, the Lexie Grey who thought she loved you, the Lexie Grey that wanted you, the Lexie Grey that is lost but will forever dwell in your heart.
For now, this is enough.