A/N: ...I should probably be trying to update my other fic... *sigh*
Entry number 9,825
None of my companions have ever truly known me. Sure, they knew me, the madman that travels through time and space in a blue police box. But they never saw beneath that, of what I truly feel. There were those who knew there was something else, but never figured it out, and there were others that couldn't seem to see it. I suppose after hundreds of years I can hide things well.
I always make it a point to have someone traveling by my side. So that I'm not alone, and helps me ignore the facts. Travelling with another is my way of escape, I suppose. I love company. It helps to suppress what I've been running from ever since the Last Great Time War.
I'm lonely. I am oh so very lonely… Lonely and longing only to return home. But it's impossible to change either of those things. Gallifrey is gone, never to return. And my companions… they will always leave eventually. The companions that shine so brightly, the ones that become so dear to my hearts always leave me… Whether it be by choice, fate, or my own decision, they never stay with me.
Most companions… they want to stay with me. But I… I can't handle that. They wish to stay with me forever. But what they don't understand is that, even though they can spend their whole lives with me, I cannot spend my whole life with them. I will watch them grow old, see them whither and die while I stay young. There are no other Time Lords to stay with me save for my sister, who travels alone.
And so I am forced to leave them behind. Forced to deceive them, to betray their trust and run, all because I cannot handle watching them die. I run, like I have ever since I was shown the whole of time and space. I run and run, and I can never stop. For if I do, I will look back, I will look back and see their faces. I wouldn't be able to handle that, and so I keep on running, fleeing from my own past.
I am lonely. All of my bright and shining companions eventually leave me, and I am alone. The TARDIS is so cold, so empty when I am by myself. Lonely for hundreds of years, running from the ghosts of my past. The curse of a Time Lord.
Now I have a new companion, Alfred. He loves traveling through time and space, and he makes such wonderful company. I can already tell though. He always wants to protect me, to keep me safe. If I was to ever tell him how I felt, he would worry. He would grow protective and say I'd never be alone again. That he'd be right by my side until the end of time itself.
But no matter how much I wish it to be true… it's not. I'll still end up alone, running in the dark. Fleeing from my past, my present, my future. So I have to keep it all to myself. I can never show how truly alone I am, and how much I long for someone to be smiling by my side until the universe stops turning.
No matter who has been by my side, it has always ended in grief for me. Whether it be that they have forgotten, left me, were killed, or left behind, I always feel the pain. Leaving behind someone so dear to my hearts… it always pains me, eats away at me and never leaves my thoughts. Loneliness creeps into my hearts, and I long for someone to fill the space left behind. And so the cycle begins again.
No matter how hard I try, I always give into the loneliness. Alfred cannot ever find that out, or else it would be so much harder than it already would be. He would stay by my side for as long as he possibly could, and would refuse to leave. I would likely have to force him away…
And so there has been no one to comfort me. I am alone in my loneliness, in being one of the last two of my kind, of being forced to stay silent. But after so long, my hearts are crying out for someone to end this terrible loneliness. I only wish for someone to stay by my side.
But that can never happen.
Alfred will leave me, and I will be alone once more. I will carry on in my solitude, never once looking back for fear those who once were with me will find their way back. And this time they would hold on tight, never allowing me to leave them again. Or they would accuse me, hate me, or even ignore me. But all I want is someone to stay with me, to finally have a place to call home once more.
But for now, I cling to my bright, shining, beautiful companions, and pretend they won't eventually, inevitably have to leave me alone.
A/N: I'm actually not sure if I should make this a multichap fic or just leave it be as a oneshot... I've been re-obsessing with DW again lately... and just bawled my eyes out at the End of Time... DX 10, Y U have to go?
Anyway... I hope you enjoy this randomness that I just happened to write instead of studying for final exams.