Courage
The thing is, Blaine never meant to fall in love.
No, really. He didn't. He knew from the beginning that Kurt probably had a crush on him, and it was pretty cute, but it was just because he was Kurt's saviour and apparently the only gay kid Kurt knew. It was definitely a crush of convenience. Kurt was in no way serious, and if Blaine got attached he'd only end up heartbroken when Kurt found some other boyfriend.
But the thing is, Blaine's head knew that, sure, but his heart?
His heart had no fucking clue.
It started after Kurt started going to Dalton. Blaine was maybe a little too happy, but that was because the kid was cute and enthusiastic and really really friendly and they had basically everything in common. It was like having another little Blaine running around the school, only he was new and still kind of geeking out over everything, but that was cool because it was kind of adorable.
Because of the little crush and the fact that Kurt only really knew he, Wes and Dave, the kid was kind of attached to him. He didn't really mind—Kurt was kind of like a curious small animal, and okay, he kind of wanted to protect Kurt because of it, but that's just because he's always liked curious small animals.
Honest.
He felt kind of bad for Kurt sometimes. Everyone at Dalton was really friendly, but Kurt was just not used to how things worked around there, so he still had a little trouble fitting in. It wasn't really his fault; Blaine had heard all about McKinley, and it really sounded like some kind of hell-hole. He couldn't imagine going to school in such an every-man-for-himself kind of place. Maybe it was because he was too soft or that he had enough of it at his old school, but Dalton was seriously the way to go. Fitting in with everyone was great; no one singled him out as the gay kid and even if he shone maybe a little more than anyone else, it wasn't a huge problem.
But Kurt, Kurt wasn't used to that. Kurt was used to shining, and it was very clear to everyone that he was struggling to reign in his inner diva. The Kurt that needed to fight for attention and friendship and survival was gone. At Dalton, everyone had everyone's back and there was no need for theatrics to get attention.
It doesn't sound like much, but Kurt coming to Dalton was seriously more than enough to get Blaine's heart thumping and his palms sweating. Maybe it was just the way that he was a small animal running around, or maybe it was because he was definitely kind of unique and all things "Kurt," or maybe it was even the way that he put so much damn effort into everything he did, but just being around Kurt was enough to send Blaine's head spinning.
Blaine was usually pretty good at avoiding bad ideas. He used his head to think things through rationally, he could weigh the pros and cons of any situation, and he could come up with the least risky solution. He was actually really, really proud of his ability to live a relatively easy, normal life, with just a few dramatics that couldn't have been avoided even with the best of planning.
Every once in a while, though, he'd get a terrible idea. It was like the Trojan Horse, only instead of a horse the bad ideas would build a great idea, and they'd invade his mind and force him to agree, then, while he was putting these "good ideas" into motion, they'd lose the disguise and he'd know they were bad ideas but it'd be too late to do anything.
One of those Trojan Horse ideas was when he and Kurt sang "Baby, It's Cold Outside" together. He couldn't explain why singing a love song with a kid who obviously had a crush on him would be a good idea in any situation, unless he was using it to seduce the kid. But that was ridiculous, because there was definitely no way, no way that Blaine was trying to seduce Kurt because why would he? It was a dumb idea and he knew it because it would only get the kid's hopes up and then crush him and he knew how much that kind of thing hurt and the atmosphere was too romantic to be anything else and it was killing him how wonderful Kurt was and he could swear that Kurt was trying to seduce him because why else would he look so coy and—
Oh.
Shit.
He left the room as normally as possible then bolted to a bathroom, because he suddenly felt a little bit sick and he recognized those butterflies and oh, seriously, why did this happen, because he wasn't supposed to like Kurt, he knew he wasn't.
But suddenly, he couldn't remember why it was such a bad idea. Sure, he knew it was, but he didn't know why it was. It actually seemed like a pretty good idea, because Kurt was the most adorable boy he'd ever seen, and they had so much in common and they would probably be perfect together. They'd both definitely be happy, anyway, and there was nothing wrong with happiness, so why—
No.
He wasn't going to fall for it again. It was another Trojan Horse idea and he didn't need that because he knew, he knew that being Kurt's boyfriend would only end in heartbreak because he'd seen the kind of guys Kurt went for. They were big and they were jocks and Blaine was neither of those things, and as soon as a big handsome jock came around, Kurt was sure to leave him, and he just couldn't handle being left alone like that.
He hated the loneliness probably more than he hated lying to Kurt. He could compose himself easy if he had to. He just needed a few minutes to find himself before he could face Kurt again as friends was all.
The other thing is, when Blaine is in love, he acts the same, but different. It's not a huge difference, especially with Kurt because he was protective even before he realized, but he kind of babies people he loves. Like, he's over-protective and he spoils them by doing anything he can to make them comfortable and happy, and he kind of always figured it was what everyone did when they were in love, but maybe not when the love was supposed to be a secret, or maybe they did it more discreetly or something.
The point is, Blaine never said anything, but he was pretty sure Wes and Dave and everyone else in the world knew that he was in love with Kurt except for maybe Kurt.
And Kurt, Kurt was still being his flamboyant self, which was kind of adorable instead of sad and too different from Dalton, and he couldn't really remember why he wanted Kurt to fit in because Kurt was perfect the way he was, and maybe he needed this. Maybe he needed Kurt to be here to let him know that, "Hey, just because things were bad at your old school, you can still be you and you can still be loved, because look at me, people still like me even though I'm Kurt Hummel, not Dalton Student #3047." And he wasn't used to it because last time he tried to stand out he was beaten up and bullied to the point that leaving was his only option, and maybe running away wasn't always so bad if you took something with you.
Because Kurt ran away from his problems just like Blaine did, but Kurt didn't let them bring him down. Kurt was proud to be who he was, and instead of changing to fit in, he was just looking for a place where he could be loud and proud and flamboyant and excited and that was okay, and he wondered how Kurt did it because he was pretty sure he didn't know anyone so strong.
And then Kurt just smiled at him kind of funny and sappy and Blaine's heart stopped and then beat once, twice, and then faster than ever before, and then he said, "Courage." And Blaine, he kind of wanted to laugh and kind of wanted to cry and all of his emotions were kind of jumbled, because he thought that courage only meant facing your fears and your bullies, but it could be so much more and Kurt was wonderful and he just had to kiss him but couldn't.
Instead he looked at Kurt and said "I love you" and then walked away, because there was nothing left to say after that and admitting it to Kurt took more than he thought and it was moving too fast and he was kind of scared, and that was the bottom line of everything, he was scared because what if Kurt rejected him, or worse, what if he didn't?
Kurt found him later, probably because Blaine was stupid and for some reason his instinct was to hide away in the comfortable room with their fondest memories of "Baby, It's Cold Outside" where he fell in love and everything fell to shit. He knew it was an obvious place to hide away but he had to, he had to, it was the first place and now Kurt was looking at him kind of happy kind of confused kind of sad kind of hurt and what did he do he knew love was a bad idea it was always a bad idea for fucksakeswhatwashisproblem—
"Hi."
Blaine closed his eyes and swallowed the emotions that all wanted to come out and scream I love you but we can't be together because you don't love me and don't be a pity lover please don't I can't handle it and I love you but don't leave me but let's be friends but we can't be more and I want to kiss you I need to know things are okay and don't hate me please don't hate me—he swallowed all of this and answered, "Hey."
Kurt sat next to him and they were too close and Blaine took a deep breath because this was too much and everything was spinning, and then Kurt's hand was on his and Kurt said "I love you" and Blaine knew that he was lost forever.
And he turned around to look at Kurt and then Kurt was kissing him, and he couldn't help but think that it was kind of funny that Kurt take the lead and kiss him first but it was also kind of appropriate because Kurt was the real brave one, and he didn't need Blaine telling him to be brave, and maybe every time he told Kurt to have courage he was really telling himself, and suddenly they weren't kissing anymore and Blaine looked at Kurt who was smiling in that big goofy way that he did that made his eyes light up and his whole face was red and Blaine knew that Kurt was probably worth the heartbreak.
So he took Kurt's hand and squeezed it and he said, "Promise you won't break my heart," and he was kind of ashamed of how scared he was, but like he knew Kurt once idolized him, Kurt was quickly becoming an important symbol of courage and hope and love to him.
So when Kurt smiled and squeezed his hand and said "Of course," Blaine knew that he would be okay, because even if things went wrong, even if he ended up heartbroken, he would learn, and he would get courage, and he would be Blaine instead of Dalton Student #2984.
AN: So, um, I was bored, and I wanted to write, and I love Darren Criss, and then words happened, and it went nowhere like where I thought it would, but it happened and it ended and it probably sucks but it's writing and I'm alive and apparently I love run-ons way too much but whatevs.
I hope you guys managed to enjoy this. I tried. :F
I don't own Glee. What I own are the most comfortable pair of sweatpants to exist, well, ever, but deffs not Glee.