Bridesmaids, Beyoncé, and Bruce Wayne
Summary
It should've been Gotham's society wedding of the decade. Except somebody decided to make Brucie Wayne a bridesmaid. Clark Kent reports.
Author's Note
This is crack inspired by a wedding I attended earlier in the evening before I wrote this. And also chatting in the ManManBangBang Discord server with other crazy creatives who've signed up for the SuperBat Big Bang challenge. Thanks for encouraging me to chase my ideas of Brucie's extra extraness wherever they lead me, guys.
Also, this is unbeta-read and unedited. Please forgive the errors, of which I am sure there are many.
"Kent!" Perry White, editor of The Daily Planet, barks out toward the end of a staff meeting on a sunny Monday morning.
Clark Kent, investigative reporter for the crime and politics section and occasional pinch hitter for whatever section Perry needs to fill in a hurry, jolts at the sound of his name and pushes his glasses up his nose nervously. "Yes, chief?"
"Good job on that Brucie story in today's society section."
"Thanks, boss!"
"Hmph." Perry glares at the gathered reporters. "All right, everyone know their assignments for the week?" When not a single staffer moves a muscle or breathes a word, he nods once. "Good. Now get out of her. Write things."
"What's that article Perry was talking about earlier, Smallville?" Lois asks Clark as they exit the conference room and walk toward their shared supply-closet-turned-office. "Society isn't your usual beat."
Clark fights to appear casual. "Oh, I had to cover a wedding in Gotham when Perry's writer dropped out due to a family emergency."
"Huh. And it's a Brucie story?" Lois huffs as Clark nods. "Oh, why am I even bothering to ask? It's Gotham. If it's not a Brucie story, it's a Batman story. That's all that ever comes out of Gotham these days."
"I wouldn't say that, Lois," Clark says with a slight frown. "Gotham's a vibrant, complicated series. There's more to it than Batman and Bruce Wayne."
Lois rolls her eyes. "And there's more to Metropolis than Lex Luthor and Superman, but we know what sells papers."
Clark shakes his head. "Sometimes I worry about you."
"Sometimes I worry about you," Lois retorts. "How is it that after years of living in the big city, you still haven't washed off that veneer of naivete that makes you keep looking on the sunny side of life?"
He smiles beatifically. "I'm powered by sunshine."
She smirks. "So you're claiming to be Superman now? You wish, Smallville. Why don't you grab us some coffee while I check out this article of yours that has Perry so enamored."
"Sure, Lois," Clark says, then leaves her to it.
Bridesmaids, Beyoncé, and Bruce Wayne:
Gotham's Wedding of the Decade
By Clark Kent
GOTHAM CITY—The wedding of Kane Pharmaceuticals heir Robert Cameron Kane to supermodel Carlotta "Carly" Alessi was one of the most highly anticipated events on Gotham's social calendar this summer. The couple exchanged rings and vows on a balmy August evening, in what will likely be the most talked-about nuptial ceremony for years to come.
The entire affair was certainly a memorable one, as this reporter was fortunate enough to witness.
This was not because of the opulence of the reception, which occupied all three ballrooms of the Gotham Grand Hotel. Neither was it because of the heartfelt and inspiring vows written by the bride and groom. And it was not because of the beauty of the bride or the handsomeness of the groom, despite their famous good looks.
This was almost entirely due to the antics of the Prince of Gotham himself. Bruce "Brucie" Wayne was in fine form on Saturday, drawing gasps from the gathered guests when he strode down the aisle as one of the eight bridesmaids.
Because the bride is a vocal admirer of the Amazons of Themyscira, it should come as no surprise that the bridesmaid's dresses were Grecian in style. The sight that sent jaws dropping, however, was the fact that Wayne himself was in a dress.
When asked about his decision to wear the same outfit as the rest of the bridesmaids, the Wayne scion shared that Alessi had actually offered to have an ensemble inspired by gladiator armor designed for him. Wayne had refused, saying, "Gladiators are Roman. Also, I am a bridesmaid and should dress as other bridesmaids do."
Although Wayne is distantly related to the groom on his mother's side of the family, he has been a close friend of the bride's for years. Shortly after his return from his sojourn in Asia, he was seen escorting Alessi to society events, concerts, and the like. Their romance fizzled and died within months, but the two remained good friends. They are so close that Wayne was rumored to be one of the first to be asked to join the entourage.
The billionaire playboy visibly teared up and was heard sniffling during the wedding ceremony. This was particularly evident when the bride and groom exchanged sunset vows on the roof deck of the Gotham Grand. Wayne's ward of six months, Richard "Dick" Grayson, was seen handing his guardian a spare handkerchief.
By the time the ceremony ended, it seemed that Gotham's bon ton had acclimatized to the sight of Brucie Wayne in an Amazonian-inspired dress. Indeed, the city's leading philanthropist cut a striking figure draped in white chiffon, his arms bare but for stylized gold arm and wrist bands. These matched his tiara and knee-high sandals. This reporter was certainly impressed by the billionaire's commitment to the ensemble. He, like the other bridesmaids, wore tall caged sandals with four-inch heels.
But this was not to be the end of surprises in store for the wedding's guests. They remained blissfully ignorant of this as they enjoyed a scrumptious twelve-course dinner that included poached lobster tails flown fresh from Maine earlier that morning, Kobe prime rib roast, and fanciful dessert concoctions by celebrity chef Marguerite Durand. Neither would they have suspected a thing as the bride and groom hared their traditional first dance as a married couple.
Shortly after the father-bride dance, however, the bridesmaids took over the dance floor. Here, they were joined by several other women from among the bride's nearest and dearest, and the group proceeded to surprise the couple with a special dance number.
The bridesmaids, led by Wayne, lined up in front of the bride and groom and ripped off those Grecian-style dresses to reveal black-and-gold sequined leotards. The Wayne Foundation chairman emeritus then led the group in a superbly choreographed Beyoncé medley, beginning with "Run the World (Girls)," "Crazy in Love," and ending with "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)." The entire production was met with thunderous applause from the bride's side and shocked silence from the groom's.
The newlyweds soon joined their friends on the dance floor. Once again Wayne reigned supreme here, gyrating to the music with wild abandon. And while Brucie's behavior had many of the matrons voicing their disapproval, many of the younger guests expressed their admiration for the Wayne scion.
"Gotta respect a guy who does what he likes and goes all out to put a smile on his friend's face on her special day," the heir to one of the East Coast's premier fashion empires told this reporter.
"One thing I love about Brucie is Brucie does what Brucie wants, and he does it with flair," the bride's maid of honor, fellow supermodel Nadia Nicolaev, said.
And it seems social media agrees with the sentiment. The hashtag #BridesmaidBrucie trended on Twitter following the leak of the dance video later that evening.
#BridesmaidBrucie's dance number is #squadgoals, Brett_of_Gotham commented while retweeting the video link.
Every wedding needs a bridesmaid like #BridesmaidBrucie, BatDiva tweeted.
The video has since spawned the creation of several GIFs and #BridesmaidBrucie memes, all of which are making the rounds on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and more.
The dance number might have been the highlight of the evening, but Wayne remained an enthusiastic bridesmaid for the rest of the Alessi-Kane reception. While this reporter has heard that competition can become vicious during the traditional bridal bouquet toss, the near-brawl that resulted was a shock—for many of the guests present.
The bouquet—which was composed of orchids, lilies of the valley, and saffron crocus flowers—was snatched from the grasping hands of the women present by the Gotham prince himself. Wayne executed a surprisingly graceful somersault, using a nearby chair to catapult himself over the heads of no less than three fellow bridesmaids in order to secure the prize for himself.
His ten-year-old ward, already a champion aerialist and gymnast, was seen facepalming at his guardian's efforts and was heard telling a friend, "When I taught him that move, I didn't think he would use it to do that."
"Hey, Smallville, did you ever found out why Brucie wanted that bouquet so badly?" Lois asks Clark as he enters the room, a coffee cup in each hand. She's just finished reading his article on the online edition of The Daily Planet, which includes a complete with a gallery of photos from the wedding and reception as well as a video of the now-famous dance number.
"I would think you'd be familiar with the futility of trying to figure out why Brucie Wayne does anything by now, Lois," Clark says, adjusting his glasses.
His friend and colleague snorts. "You mean other than to maintain his reign as the king of excess?"
"Perhaps he had someone special to give the flowers to." Clark smiles inwardly, remembering how pretty the white orchids and lilies of the valley looked with the light purple saffron crocus flowers as he'd arranged the bouquet in a vase in his apartment last night after arriving home from Gotham. The flowers now hold a place of honor on his dining table. "Someone he'd like to make a commitment to. I mean, he's been swanning about as Gotham's favorite playboy for years now. Maybe he's thinking of settling down."
Lois stares at him for a long moment, and Clark has a moment to worry she might suspect the truth. Then she bursts out into the loudest laughter he's ever heard from her. She's actually guffawing, and tears are streaming from her eyes.
"Never change, Smallvile," she says much later, when she is finally able to regain control of herself. She wipes ineffectually at her cheeks, accepts the handkerchief Clark offers gratefully. "Brucie Wayne settling down? That'll be the day."
Clark shrugs, smiling slightly. "You never know, Lois. He might take his own advice."
Lois chuckles and shakes her head. "And what advice is that?"
Really, it's just too easy. Clark lets his smile widen into a full-on grin. "If he likes it, then he better put a ring on it."