By joebthegreat (also known as the "king of toast" in some smaller African countries)
Disclaimer: Your eyes will melt and your eye sockets will freeze in this thrilling thrill of a thriller, and it's not my fault, it's because you're holding a superheated iron up to your eye while you're stuck in a freezer. You're such a moron, how can you even blame that kind of shit on me?
Joebclaimer: I claim Joebanship
Summary: Hilarious things happen, with hilarious results! Follow this hilarious story to learn the hilarious secret when these hilarious people come together for a result that's bound to be HILARIOUS! Hilarity ensues, and I sue too.
It's hard growing up on the streets of East LA, being a hardcore black gangster in the hood, and struggling every day to survive. I'm Ness, and I've learned to use my blackness against me.
Marth looked over the application, and he looked it over again. Marth thought to himself for a moment, then he looked it over again. Marth looked down and frowned, then he looked it over again. Marth called his mom and told her happy birthday; after his mom reminded him that she was dead Marth looked the application over again. Marth went to a Catholic church and recited Ness's application as a prayer, and when the bishop fell over with a heart attack, he took it as a sign. After reviewing Ness's application for several more times and frowning and stroking his chin at appropriate moments, Marth decided that Ness probably handed him the application because he wanted a job.
"Hey boss! It's getting busy out here, we could use your help!" Dr. Mario screamed, as the dining room up front had been packed to the point where the pressure had in fact killed several customers, squeezing their heads till they popped like balloons. Despite this, customers continued to pump into the dining room.
"I'm busy trying to fill our last position!" Marth screamed. "This is important!"
Ten hours later, after reviewing the application hundreds more times, going to a baseball game, surfing, and eating a homeless person, Marth came to a conclusion.
"I'm going to interview Ness! We could use some more black people anyway!" Marth screamed.
Everybody had left for the night.
Marth decided to call Ness and set up an appointment, after reviewing the application, of course. He picked up the phone, and then brought it to the side of his face, with the talking part towards his mouth and the listening part towards his ear. He moved his hands towards the buttons on the phone, and pressed them in the sequence that would be correct if dialing Ness's house. As Ness had put that he lived on the streets, Marth dialed the streets.
"Hello?" some random bum answered.
"Yes, I'm looking for a Ness Pwurngkzahea;kgjaer?" Marth pronounced with no difficulty.
"Jus' a sec" there were some crunching noises, and some static noises, and some noisy noises, and the noises used noise to deliver proper noise to the noiseee (aka person who hears noise).
"This is Ness" Ness said.
"This is Marth, I've just been reviewing your application to work here at Smashie's ©®™, and I'd like to set up an appointment with you right now!" Marth screamed.
"Are you aware it's 4 in the morning?" Ness asked.
"I'll be asking the questions around here you little bastard of a bastard!" Marth screamed, slamming the phone so hard he broke the elevator. "Aw why the hell do we even have an elevator anyway?"
Ness walked in through the back door.
"How did you get here?" Marth asked.
"You forgot to lock the doors," Ness said.
"That's a clever way to break in, you're hired for your cleverness!" Marth shouted, secretly concealing that he only hired Ness because he was black.
"I'm very black you know," Ness said.
"Yes, how very black of you," Marth replied.
"It's always good to hear that from a Korean" Ness said. It was an honest mistake, seeing as how they were in East LA, and Koreans own everything there. Even when the President shows up he gets owned by the Koreans.
Marth kicked Ness in the knee so hard he had a cardiac arrest, liver failure, and cancer in the knee's eyeballs. Ness passed out.
After pacing around for a second, Marth pulled out a uniform, pulled out some faked documents under the name "Keith," and pulled out a job description. He set it all down on Ness's huge head.
"You'll start work tomorrow at five pm, if you don't show up you'll be raped by several rival gangsters. If you don't have rival gangsters, you will by tomorrow. I have the right to throw you in a federal prison without any warning and for no reason, because I'm a private business and anything with the word private in front of it is given rights to whatever the hell it wants. We like to have fun back here at Smashie's ©®™, and we hope you enjoy your stay. Please do not steal any towels, as that would make you a loser. Do not feed the animals, pet the customers, feed the customers, pet the animals, or try to set the customers up on dates with animals, you are responsible for any injury or death that occurs while working at this store, and you will notice that I am speaking about any injury or death across the entire world, not just your own. You are officially the United States' of America's scapegoat. If at any time you do not act like a proper goat, and refuse to be milked at a proper time, you will be held accountable for the rising prices of oil. I have several thousand other rules to read you, but I don't feel like it so you're just going to have to guess and hope you don't get in any legal trouble. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Make sure to keep your hands in the cart at all times, as second hand smoking has been proven to kill children ages zero to twenty thousand." Marth finished his long federally required statement, turned to walk out the door, and suddenly whipped around to face Ness again. "Don't forget to wear a coat," he said with as much drama and power as he could muster.
Marth went home and fell asleep, happy to have put in a hard days work.
I feel like creating a series I can relate to, seeing as how I'm as black as Ness, and how I had a cardiac arrest my first day at work…
These won't be based on real life experiences…
Or will they?
No…
I'm also apparently obliged to inform you that Smashie's©®™ is not a copyright of mine, or a trademark of mine, or whatever the hell the ® stands for of mine. I don't have any rights to that word and I never will, and right now I don't believe anybody does. I only put the ©®™ there because it's fun.
I'm also obliged to inform you to go read Animal Farm… just about everybody who reads it thinks it undisputedly proves their own political beliefs, be it communism, socialism, capitalism, fascism, or Wal-Mart.
This was only the first chapter, the introduction, there will be a bit of more of an introduction to the workplace next time, and then we'll get to the juicy stuff, though personally I think Ness is juicy enough as it is.