Unforgotten, a castle fanfic

Title: Unforgotten

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Summary: To the ones we love, because you never know how much time you have left to be together.

Author's note: I had this idea a few weeks ago and I was afraid of writing it down because it's something I would hate to happen for real. But I did, I wrote it down. It's different than my other stories but it has been in my mind for too long and it was eating me from the inside.

I need to say that I was really afraid of publishing this because I don't know whether you will like the perspective and the idea or not. It's a birthday present as well and that's what the dedication is about.

So I hope you enjoy this! And a big THANK YOU to my beautiful beta reader! :)

WARNING: Character death(s)!

To the amazing and extraordinary Tiffany,

who showed me how beautiful life can be,

when you have someone to hold on to.

To my guardian angel – happy birthday.

"It's only when we truly know and understand that

we have a limited time on earth - and that we have no way

of knowing when our time is up - that we will begin

to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had."

It was one of those old churches. One of those beautiful churches whose walls were made out of gray stones and it's pews were made out of old, brown wood. The pews were decorated with white and red roses. The altar was decorated simply, but it still had that beautiful touch – it told everyone why they were there.

The guests were already sitting at their places when he walked into the church. He walked towards the altar and stopped next to his best men. Then he turned around and as he did, he could see into everyone's face. They just invited a few people. People they loved and people they were close to; and everyone came. Everyone was so well dressed. They were sitting there, proudly looking at him and waiting for her to finally come into the room. Then the music started. Everyone stood up and turned around to see her coming in. So did he and as his eyes met hers they gave each other that smile – their smile; their smile of love. He looked at her in a way no one else did. She was wearing a white dress and a simple veil. Her dress was also very simple, old fashioned but still perfect. But he didn't care about the dress, he could just think about that woman in that dress, the woman walking towards him.

For the first time she felt a little bit tiny. Everyone was looking at her, at the dress. She squeezed her dad's hand a little bit harder. Everyone was looking at her, but she was just looking at him, not just because it was him she was going to marry but because she loved that moment; the moment everyone's looking at the bride while she's just looking at the groom. She looked him in the eyes and gave him that smile. The whole way towards the altar she didn't look to the side, she just focused on him.

As they arrived at the altar her dad put her hand in Rick's and sat down next to Lanie. Her dad looked so proud.

But she didn't even care about the proud look on her dad's face because the only thing she could think about was that her hand was in his and they were standing at the altar – together.

I stopped. It was painful to remember the most beautiful day of my life. He looked at me, trying to figure out why I stopped telling him about that day.

"Please continue." the therapist said.

"It's not that easy." I murmured.

"I know, but it's important. Try it." I nodded slowly, then I closed my eyes and went back into the memory.

"I do." He said and smiled at her.

"I do." She said and then they turned to each other, holding each other's hands.

He put the ring on her finger and she put the other ring on his.

"You may now kiss the bride." The Father said and both of them smiled.

He leaned towards her and her face came to meet his. Their lips gently meteach other, slowly opening.

It was a short, but passionate kiss. She felt so strong next to him, still holding his hand, still feeling his lips on hers.

He smiled after their kiss. Her smile would kill him someday, but it wasn't important because now she was his. They belonged together – always.

He leaned his forehead against hers and mumbled "I love you." she smiled again and he could feel her lips softly touching his for just a few seconds.

Then they turned to their friends and family and saw the smiles on their faces. They walked through the church and she stopped to hug her dad and Lanie. He waited for her and at the same time his daughter hugged him. There weren't many people so that they could stand there and just hug each other and smile at their friends without having to hurry up because other guests were waiting.

After their wedding they all met at his apartment. He had arranged a little buffet for their family and friends. The rest of the day passed really quickly and from time to time the guests left. It was nearly 11 pm when her dad and Lanie left.

"Oh..finally." she sighed leaning against his chest. He had to smile and went with one hand through her hair while the other one was placed at her back.

"It was a really long day." he said and pointed at his daughter who was sleeping at the couch. He kissed his wife's forehead. "I think I'm going to get her into bed." he said and she nodded.

She looked at him as he lifted his daughter from the couch and walked upstairs. She sighed but this time it was a sigh of happiness and satisfaction. Then she walked to the table where they'd placed the food and started cleaning it up. She was about to put the dishes in the dishwasher when she felt him touching her shoulders and gently kissing her neck.

"Is she asleep?" she asked but the question was unnecessary – of course she was.

He nodded while he turned her around so that she was looking into his face. His lips wandered from her neck to her jaw and from her jaw to her lips. He bit her lips; softly, gently. She moaned and buried her hands into his hair.

"I'm sorry, I can't." I said, trying to prevent myself from losing my mind. The memories were killing me. Those beautiful and perfect memories which reminded me of how perfect my life had been.

"It's okay, just take your time." the therapist said. He wrote something down, but I didn't really notice that.

I took a deep breath, tried to convince myself to continue but it was difficult. I guess it's normal not wanting to take yourself through the most perfect days of your life over and over again when you won't have days like that again. I hadn't told anyone about my feelings. I had shown that I was depressed and sad. I was sure that people could see that I was tired – but I never talked about it. Simply because I couldn't handle the feelings.

Again I took a deep breath and this time I was ready to continue.

Three weeks had passed since they had got married and every time she woke up next to him she had the same thought but this time she finally said it.

"Promise me you'll never leave me" she murmured, lying next to him – naked, only covered by the blanket. He looked at her and his fingertips stroked her skin; they went over her shoulder, wandering towards her waist. He leaned forward, so that his face was just a few inches away from hers. She smiled.

"I promise." He said and kissed her lips. She opened them and let him in.

"I love you." He said releasing himself from the kiss.

"I love you too." she answered and kissed him again, quickly but still gently.

He smiled at her and went with his hand through her hair before he stood up and got dressed.

She was still lying there, in his bed – in their bed. He turned around and looked at her.

"I'm gonna check on Alexis and make breakfast" he said while he leaned over his side of the bed to kiss her.

"Okay" she said and gave him her prettiest smile. "I'll be right there to help you with breakfast." she told him and then he left their bedroom. Their bedroom. She was sure that the way she was smiling wasn't healthy but she was more than just happy. After everything that had happened before it was nice to feel like that again.

He closed the door of their bedroom behind him and walked through the corridor to Alexis' room. He tried to ignore the closed door next to his daughter's bedroom. The door was closed for less than two months and none of them was going to open it in the next few months or maybe even in the next few years. He knew what the room looked like. He was sure that if he went into that room again it wouldn't be as colorful and perfect as it had been before – at least not from his point of view. It was hard enough to still live in the same apartment and know it wouldn't be like it had been a few weeks ago. It would never be the same again.

He opened the door and walked into Alexis' room.

"Hey Lex" he said as he sat on her bed. She murmured something but he didn't understand what she said. He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. Then she slowly opened her eyes.

"Morning, dad." she said and tried to smile at him. He sighed.

"Did you dream again?" he asked her and she nodded.

"Oh honey.." he hugged her and she buried her head in his chest. He could hear her crying.

"Shhhhhh, it's okay Alexis. It's okay.." He murmured and stroked her back.

It took a while for her to calm down but when she stopped crying Alexis looked to her dad, her eyes were red because of the tears.

"Why?" she asked and he could see that she was fighting the tears. "Why did it happen?"

"I don't know honey..." he said, trying not to think to much about the "why" or the "how".

He didn't want to remember the way he felt when Ryan and Esposito called them and said they had a case.

Kate and Rick went to the crime scene; it had been a bomb in a coffee shop – the coffee shop where Martha always had bought her coffee. Both of them had gone there with thoughts they didn't want to have. And when they had arrived at the crime scene and were about to see the bodies he already had that bad feeling in his stomach. Before they could get to the third body Lanie told Kate to hold Castle back from the next body – but it had been to late. He had already seen her. He had seen her lying there; she had seemed so fragile; her skin had been red and at some places even a little bit black because of the way she had died. The bomb had been placed just a few desks away from where she had been standing. There had been 21 victims and 4 people who had left the crime scene alive.

That had been nearly one month ago and Kate was still searching for the "why". They knew that it had been a bomb but they didn't know what type of bomb it had been. Every day they went to the precinct and every day Kate wanted to stay longer because of Martha. She owed her that. Martha had been so nice and so supportive that Kate felt she owed her something. Finding out why she had died was the least she could do.

She was already done making breakfast when Alexis and Rick walked into the kitchen.

"Morning, Kate." Alexis said, hugging her stepmother.

"Good morning. How are you?" Kate hugged her back and when Alexis looked at her Kate knew that she had dreamed again. Dreamed of Martha. She sighed and gave her a cup of coffee and some pancakes. Alexis took it and sat down.

"You made pancakes!" Rick said, trying to change the atmosphere.

"Yes. Do you want some coffee?" she asked him while giving him some pancakes.

"Sure" he answered, took the plate and some syrup and sat down.

She hadn't finished filling his cup with coffee when Alexis stood up.

"Where are you going?" Rick asked her but she didn't answer she just went back upstairs into her room. He looked at Kate totally confused. "Did I miss something?" he asked her and took the cup of coffee she was giving him.

"I guess she's going to call Adam again." she said and sat next to Rick. "Don't be mad at her. You know that she's still not over it. It's been two months." he looked at the stairs and then back at Kate.

"I know" he said slowly. "Neither am I. But I don't want her to stop talking to me. I'm her dad." she smiled at him.

"You will always be her dad, Rick. She just needs some time and someone to talk to."

"She has me. And you." he said and shook his head. "We don't even know Adam."

"She will talk to you. Just not now. If she needs Adam than that's okay. As long as she feels better it's okay, right?" he nodded but he didn't seem satisfied. He didn't know Adam. Alexis had met him at the Columbia University where she was studying now. She had talked a lot about him before Martha had died and she still talked about him. But she had changed. She didn't talk that much anymore. Not to Rick and not to Kate. Before Martha's death she had talked a lot to Kate and he still had the feeling that she talked more to Kate about anything than to him. But it really was like Kate said; it was good that she talked to someone no matter who it was; as long as it made her as happy as she could possibly be at the moment.

"You didn't tell me Martha died." the therapist said.

"I didn't know it was that important to you." I said but it was a lie. I had known that it was important. I just didn't want to talk about it. It was difficult enough to tell this story.

"It is. I need to know everything that's bothering you. If I don't I can't help you." He tried to smile but it didn't seem real. Again he wrote something down.

"I know." I said and looked at his notes. His font was unreadable.

"Please, continue." he said and looked at me. I sighed, but I did as he said.

He finished his breakfast and looked at Kate – his eyes already telling her everything.

"Go" she said. "I'll finish here and check on Alexis. Just go." he smiled at her, kissed her gently and left the apartment.

He didn't take the car, he wanted to walk even if it was about twenty blocks away from their apartment.

Walking gave him time to think about everything. Three weeks now that they were married and every morning since their wedding she washed the dishes and checked on Alexis and he felt bad for letting her do that alone, but he needed to go there and she insisted that he went there as many times as he wanted to. It was okay for her to wash the dishes or check on Alexis. He sighed – two blocks and he would be there. He started walking faster until it was around the corner. When he could see it, he stopped. It was right in front of him, the place she had visited so many times and now it was his turn. He walked towards the cemetery feeling empty like every morning. He walked to his mother's grave and placed the flowers he had bought a few blocks ago, on her grave and crouched in front of it.

To the most perfect grandmother on earth.

To the most beautiful woman in the world who had taught me everything I needed to know and more.

To Martha – thank you.

The three of them had written that. Kate had written down the last one. He had asked her many times why she had written 'thank you' but all she always said was 'because'.

"We really miss you, you know?" he started and looked at his mother's name.

"Alexis had a bad dream again. I talked to her but she didn't tell me what she dreamed of this time. It feels like she's distant now. I don't know if she talks to Kate, but she barely talks to me. I don't know what to do anymore. Most of the time she's okay. But every morning she gets up and seems so sad and empty." He sighed. "Do you remember that guy she told you about? Adam? She talks to him a lot. Kate says that it's good because this way she has someone to talk to – about everything. She says that it's okay if she doesn't talk to us as long as it makes her feel better because that's the important part right now - that she gets better even if that means that she doesn't talk to me as much as she used to, right?"

He looked at the grave. Stared at his mother's name. He still couldn't believe that she was gone. Every day he had a feeling that she would step through the door being all crazy and lovely like she always had been – but she wasn't going to show up again, ever. He crouched there, just looking at the name for a very long time.

She knocked at the door.

"Come in" Alexis said from inside the room. Kate opened the door and looked into the room. Alexis was sitting at her bed, her eyes red. She had been crying again.

"Are you okay?" Kate asked and walked into the room, sitting right next to her stepdaughter at her bed.

Alexis tried to smile. "Yes..I'm fine." she didn't even finish the sentence when the tears started running down her face. Kate didn't think, she just hugged her.

"It's okay...Lex, it's okay." she murmured but Alexis didn't stop crying. It almost seemed like she needed to cry a lot – at least for once. And Kate let her. They just sat there, hugging each other and Alexis just cried.

It was so good to just sit there and cry. Since her grandmother died she didn't really cry. She was always trying to be strong for her dad, but she didn't need to, she was allowed to be sad too. Even Kate had cried a lot. Rick and Kate had been working together for over five years now and one year ago they had started dating. Alexis remembered how excited her grandmother had been. She had loved Kate so much. And Alexis knew that Kate had loved her too. She released herself from the hug and pulled away the tears.

"I'm okay." she said and smiled at Kate, a smile that told her that Alexis wasn't okay, but Kate didn't want to mention that. Instead she just smiled back and changed the topic.

"What did Adam say?" she asked and noticed how Alexis' expressions changed. A real smile appeared on her lips and her eyes began to shine.

"He really helped me, you know?" she said and her smile got bigger. "He just listens to me. When we first met, he told be that he would be there for me no matter what and he is. I- I don't know...but I think I'm in love with him." she said and looked at Kate. She had been feeling that way for about two weeks now and Kate was the first one who knew about those feelings.

"I'm sure he likes you too. He really seems to care about you, Lex." she smiled at her stepdaughter and Alexis smiled back.

"I..I hope it's okay that I invited him for dinner tomorrow? I know I haven't been talking a lot about him or about anything else in the last few weeks and I just feel like I owe you something."

"Owe us? Why?" Kate looked surprised and Alexis hugged her again.

"For giving me space. I know it nearly killed you two. Especially dad." she explained and Kate hugged her back and smiled.

"Sure. You don't have to thank us for that." she said as they released each other. "And I don't think there is any problem with Adam coming over for dinner tomorrow." she smiled at Alexis. "We were already asking ourselves when we were going to meet that boy." Alexis nodded and smiled back.

"I thought you were." she said and looked into Kate's eyes. "Thank you." she said and it sounded honest.

"You're welcome." Kate answered, looking back into Alexis' eyes.

It was already early evening when Kate and Rick got home from work.

"We're home!" Kate shouted as they walked into the apartment and she could hear Alexis running down the stairs.

"Hey, how was your day?" she asked, hugged Kate and kissed her dad's cheek.

"Exhausting." Rick said and Kate had to grin.

"It was just paperwork." she explained to Alexis and she smiled too.

"So it was soooo exhausting, right dad?" she said as she followed both of them into the kitchen.

Rick gave her a look. "If you start talking sarcastic about it like Kate, I-.." he couldn't finish the sentence because the door bell rang.

"I'll go." Kate said as she looked at her watch and noticed that 12 pm was way too late for someone to step by just like that.

Rick nodded and opened the refrigerator, looking for something to eat.

"Dad!" they heard Kate say and Alexis' face lightened up.

Kate hugged her father and let him in. "What are you doing here? Is everything alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine. Don't worry Katie." he said and gave her two big pizzas. "I figured that you would like something fast and warm." he said and continued quick as he saw his daughter's confused face. "I called several times but no one answered. So I was sure you would be back late. So I thought I could have dinner with Alexis but I brought two pizzas in case you would be already back. I hope it's okay that I stepped by?" he asked and Kate nodded.

"Of course it is. I'll put this on the table." she said and walked back to the kitchen and as she did she could see Alexis hugging him. It was still beautiful to Kate how much Alexis loved her step-grandfather. And it was way more beautiful how she called him "grandpa" and not "Jim" or "grandfather". She also loved the way her father and Rick talked to each other – like they would know each other for decades.

"You were really happy, weren't you? Take your time, you don't need to continue if you don't want to." the therapist said.

I shook my head. The pain overwhelmed me and I wished I could do something to make it go away.

"I was. We all were." I finally said. "Can we-..can we jump a few months?" I asked him and he nodded.

"Sure. But first tell me about Adam. How was the dinner with him?" he asked and I remembered that night as it had happened yesterday.

"It was great. He came over and we ate Chinese food. We watched movies and we talked a lot. He told us that his parents died in a fire when he was eight and that he was adopted by the Johnson's. He is a very nice guy. The way he looks at Alexis is just beautiful - it makes me feel better about him. I know that he loves her and that's the most important part, right?. Back then I had already noticed it, noticed that he loved her." I told him and he wrote something down again.

"What about continuing after they got together? Would you like to tell me what happened?" I nodded.

"It was two months later and we got a case..."

Kate was already awake when her cellphone rang. She answered it quickly to prevent Rick from waking up.

"Beckett?" she whispered, it was still strange for her to say "Castle" and not "Beckett" though she sometimes introduced herself as "Kate Castle" but mostly when she introduced herself to strangers. She took a quick look at Rick who was lying next to her and she had to smile. The blanket just covered him from his feet up to his middle but half his belly was naked and she could see his chest rising and falling.

"Hey Beckett, we got a body." it was Esposito who told her that. Kate nodded and got up slowly.

"Okay, thank you Espo, we will be right there." she said after he had told her the address of the crime scene.

She hurried up dressing and sat down next to Rick who was still sleeping. She leaned forward and kissed his belly, his chest, his neck. She could see him opening his eyes and smiling at her as she first kissed his jaw and then, gently, his lips.

"Morning" she whispered with the biggest smile on her face, their faces so close that not even air itself would have had enough space between them.

"Morning" he smiled back at her and kissed her. His lips on hers still felt so perfect, after nearly three months she still couldn't believe that they were married – together forever.

"Javier called." she said and leaned her forehead against his. "We have a body." she said before kissing his nose and standing up again.

"It's 9am and it's Sunday." he murmured as he stood up and got dressed.

"I know, but the people who die don't chose their days to leave, you know?" she tried to joke but she noticed pretty quick that it was to early to make jokes like that. "I'm sorry." she whispered.

"It's okay. I'm-..I'm just overreacting again..." he said and hugged her. "Don't be sorry."

"You're not." she assured him. She could feel his head resting on top of hers; she could feel his breath through her hair and she could smell him. She leaned her face against his chest and they just stood there like that for a while; just the two of them hugging each other, feeling each other.

Thirty minutes later they arrived at the crime scene; an old building five blocks from where the precinct was.

"Hey Lanie" Kate said as they arrived where the body was lying. It was covered with red blankets but they couldn't hide the blood the body had lost.

"What can you tell me about the victim?" Kate asked the boys who were standing next to Lanie.

"Female, mid-twenties." Ryan started.

"She had a passport; her name is Rachel Green, 17, lives in New Jersey." Esposito finished telling her.

Kate nodded; seventeen, almost two years younger than Alexis. She swallowed. "Okay look for family, friends, boyfriend; I wanna know who she was – not only her name and where she lived." the boys nodded too and left the crime scene.

"Okay Lanie, what happened to her?" Beckett asked her friend and crouched down next to her.

"So far I can only tell you one thing" she said and lifted the blankets "she has no organs and it either happened before she died or immediately after she was killed."

"Ugh! God, that's a huge hole!" Rick said and shut himself up when he saw how the two women where looking at him. But he was right; the hole was huge.

"Anything else? How was she killed?" Kate asked but Lanie just shook her head.

"I can't tell yet. Like Castle said; it's a huge hole and there's blood all over her body. I need to get her to the lab to examine her." she explained and got up. "I'll call you as soon as I find something." she said.

"Okay, thank you Lanie." Kate gave her a little smile and turned to Rick.

"She was only seventeen." she said and again she had to think about Alexis. She had never thought about how Rick managed seeing teenagers or bodies of young women without thinking about Alexis, but on the other hand she had never asked him.

"I know" he said and looked at her – his eyes trying to find hers. "You okay?" he asked, now looking into her eyes.

Again the blue in his eyes, that ridiculously perfect ocean blue, nearly killed her. "Yeah, I'm fine." she said and she could see him doubting. She was okay, she was fine but at the same time she felt a way she never had felt before. She didn't know what it was but at least she knew where it was coming from - why it was there; Alexis was no more just Rick's child, she wasn't just his daughter anymore. Kate didn't give him advice on how to handle certain things she did or said, no, now she was handling them herself. Now she was giving both of them advice on each other – now Alexis was hers too and that was something new.

"I'm fine, Rick. Lets go to the precinct. I'm sure the girl's parents will arrive soon." she said and walked back to their car after she had seen him nodding.

It was Sunday and the few detectives who were at the precinct were sitting at their desks finishing paperwork. Rick was so used to the 12th being filled by detectives and officers that it surprised him how different the precinct looked when there wasn't a large amount of people in it.

He followed Kate to her desk and sat down on the chair next to her desk. "Do we have paperwork too?" We. Since they were together he was always sitting next to her while she was finishing her paperwork.

"No. I already finished the paperwork from our last case." she said as she sat down and opened the files Esposito had given her. Rick could see her staring at the girls picture and he could see the question coming. It came but the way her voice sounded nearly broke his heart.

"Why would anyone kill a 17 year old girl, cut her open and remove her organs?" she asked and he could hear that it bothered her more than it should have.

"I don't know, darling. But we'll find it out." he assured her and reached out to touch her hand. She looked at their hands and smiled at him; a tired but honest smile.

"Okay? We will find it out, we will find out who did this to Rachel." he repeated and she nodded.

She couldn't understand what could drive anyone to kill an innocent young girl and the way she felt about this was still so strange, so new. When Castle's hand touched hers she knew that no matter what happened, no matter whether she was sad, happy, confused or simply lost, that no matter what he would be there – always.

She was going to thank him when Gates appeared.

"Detective?" she said and Kate looked up to her. "The victim's family is here."

"Thank you, sir." Kate gave her a little smile, then she and Castle stood up and walked to the room where Rachel's family was waiting for them.

When they were in the room she slowly closed the door behind them.

"I'm Detective Kate Castle." she said as she sat down next to Rick. "I'm working on your daughter's case." she said and added an "I'm so sorry for your loss." as she saw the mother's eyes getting wet.

Both of Rachel's parents looked exhausted and tired and at the same time they somehow managed to find the strength to come into the precinct and talk to Kate.

"Thank you, detective." the father said and rubbed his wife's back.

"What can you tell me about Rachel?" she asked the parents and leaned a little bit forward. "Like who were her friends, what was she like? Did she have trouble with anyone?" she proposed and the mother immediately shook her head.

"No, no she was such a nice and helpful girl. Everyone loved her-.." she started – every mother would've said that from their child but most of the time it was just what they wanted to see.

"That's not true, Laura" her husband said and she looked at him, totally incredulous.

"How can you even say something like that?" her voice sounded surprised.

"I'm sorry Mr. Green, but why would you say that?" Rick asked him, seeing that Kate wanted to ask the same.

"She had some trouble with some kids a few months ago and she was depressive." he started but his wife interrupted him.

"She was fine." she told him and then she turned to Kate and Rick. "She was just having some typical teenage trouble. Nothing worse." it really sounded like Mrs. Green believed that and at that moment Kate was sure, that there was something about Rachel her mother didn't know. Maybe drugs, maybe alcoholism – she didn't know, but she knew that Rachel hadn't been "fine".

The two of them started a discussion about whether their daughter had been in trouble or not and Kate realized that it was too soon for them to confront this issue.

"Mr. and Mrs. Green" she stood up and tried to smile at them. "Thank you for coming, we will inform you as soon as we have new leads." she told them, interrupting their discussion. The looked up to her and then both of them stood up.

"Sure, if we can do something else.." Rachel's father started and Rick nodded.

"If we need your help we will call you, don't worry." he assured him and the parents nodded.

"Thank you." both of them said and left the room.

"Oh my god!" Kate murmured and fell back into the chair. "They couldn't stop discussing! I mean, hell, their daughter is dead and all they think about if whether she had trouble or not" she couldn't understand it. They were her parents, how could they start a discussion instead of just giving information to the police so that they could find their daughter's killer?

"I don't know, but it really seemed like the mother had no idea of who Rachel really was." Rick said and sat next to her. Kate just nodded, still looking at the door where they had left the room.

I tried to breathe, I tried to focus on what I was telling and not on what I was going to tell. The therapist didn't say anything, he seemed to know that I was about to tell him that part which had nearly destroyed me forever. In fact, it had destroyed me. Wouldn't if have then I wouldn't be sitting in that room in front of my therapist, telling that one story I hated and at the same time loved so much.

I breathed in – breathed out. It felt like I was about to suffocate. I could feel my heart beating faster as I was about to continue.

"Ready?" the therapist said and I nodded.

"Ready." I truly was.

She was still starring at the murder board when Rick, who was standing next to her, heard his phone ringing.

"Castle?" he answered it, looking at Kate.

"Hey dad." she sounded so happy, so innocent.

"Hey, honey." he said and Kate turned around, knowing that it was Alexis who had called him.

"Is something wrong?" Kate asked him quietly and when he shook his head he could see her face filled with relief.

"Dad, I just wanted to ask if you and Kate would like to have dinner with Adam and me tonight? He invited us to the restaurant where his parents work." she revealed the reason for her happiness.

Rick hold the phone down and looked at Kate. "Hey, would you like to have dinner with Adam and Alexis tonight? He invited us to his parent's restaurant. It could be a great distraction." he told her and he could see her thinking about it.

Then she nodded. "Sure, why not" she gave him a quick smile before she turned back to the board.

"Alexis? She said yes. Which time?" he asked his daughter.

"Around seven pm?" she proposed. "I'm driving with Adam, he's gonna pick me up at the university, I have lessons until six thirty." she told him.

"Great." he said and smiled. "So, see you later?" he asked.

"Yeah, see you later. But dad?" she asked him back. "Would you give the phone to Kate for a second?"

"Sure." she said and handled the phone to his wife. "She wants to talk to you." he told her and she took the phone.

"Hello?" she asked and walked a few steps.

"Kate, hey. I just wanted to ask you something, well tell you something. I'm not sure if I can tell my dad yet." she sounded like she was afraid to tell her dad.

"Anything you want, just ask away, honey."

It was nearly six forty when the two of them left the apartment. They had left the precinct early to get ready for the dinner with Adam and Alexis and nearly one hour later they were driving to the restaurant.

"Why won't you tell me what Alexis asked you?" he asked her again. It was the fifth time since they had left the precinct. She focused on driving.

"Because she said she would tell you later in the restaurant. Don't be nervous, it's nothing to worry about Rick." she smiled at him and touched his hand quick. "It's okay."

She was driving through crossroads when she noticed the way Castle froze.

"Kate, careful!" he shouted, but it was to late; the truck had already run into them.

"I don't really remember what happened after the truck hit us. I just remember that everything seemed to slow down and that my head hurt like hell. I couldn't move a muscle but I had to.."

"Kate?" he shouted trying to move again. When she didn't answer he got nervous. The truck had hit them on her side and he could see lots of blood all over the drivers side, but it could have been his too. He could hear people outside but he didn't really notice them, the only thing that mattered in that ridiculously long moment was her. She wasn't answering, she wasn't moving. He released himself and the pain overwhelmed him, but somehow he managed it to get to her. He searched for her pulse over and over again. The tears running down his face. Over and over again he tried to find it – but he couldn't. He blamed himself for having distracted her while he tried to get out of the car but it was impossible. He crawled back to her and this time he could find her pulse, a slow and weak pulse. It felt like her heart was beating for the last time. He kissed her lips and cried her name. He just sat there next to her losing himself – breaking down. He sat there and from time to time he could hear an ambulance coming near the crash – but to him it still felt like it was miles away. To him it felt like his heart was also beating for the last time.

It hurt. Her hurt burnt in her chest and she couldn't feel her body anymore – there was just the pain and the feeling of burning out. She tried to scream, tried to move, tried to reach out for something but her body wouldn't obey her. She could just lie there; feeling life leaving her body – again. But this time it was different. This time it had been her fault, she should have been more focused on the road. She tried to hear something but she couldn't. She couldn't even smell anything. But she could feel. She could feel the pain, her burning heart, her body becoming heavy. And then there was something new, something on her face. It took her a while to realize that it was a kiss. His lips on hers – a goodbye kiss.

I love you, Rick. I love you. She thought, wishing the words would come out but they didn't.

Then she felt his hands in her hair, his lips on hers – again. She felt him next to her, felt his warm hands touch her face, felt him...

Then the pain disappeared, the burning stopped and everything she had felt became nothing. Her heart jumped one more time; beat one more time – beat for the last time.

"I never imagined I would lose her like that - lose her that way..lose her that fast." I swallowed and this time I didn't try to keep the tears back. She was gone. I had thought I would be able to handle it but after three years I still felt empty. After three years I still felt her lips on mine, still felt her weak pulse under my fingers – still felt her life leaving her body.

"Take your time. I know it's not easy." the therapist tried to help me, but I couldn't hear him. I felt empty again, helpless – lost. He had said that it would help me if I talked about it but it felt like it had made it worse.

"Richard?" her therapist said and looked at me. Roger had been helping me through the most painful time in my life and I knew he had helped her too. I had been seeing him for the last three years and every time I came in I didn't talk but yet it helped. It helped to just sit there and finally be with someone who didn't ask things like "how are you?", "do you still miss her?" or "is it really that difficult?". No, Roger just had been sitting there looking at him and talking to him about random stuff – until two days ago when he proposed to finally talk about it. He had said that if I wouldn't talk about it, it would eat me from inside and she wouldn't want that to happen to me. So I had told him, but I still felt empty. Now even more than before. She was gone. I would never be able to look at her again, I would never be able to hold her hand again, touch her face, kiss her lips. She would never laugh about any of my jokes again, she would never tear me up, never hug me again. I would never wake up next to her again, she would never be going to stroke my skin again.

But she had loved me. She had been mine. She had been my friend, my partner. She had been my life, my love, my everything – my always. I would never forget her, never.

It was early in the morning when I got up the next day. It was her day, her birthday – November 17.

I felt my heart break as I woke up and saw that she wasn't next to me; I felt it break like I did every morning. I stood up and took a quick shower before getting dressed. It was her birthday and the fact that she wasn't there anymore didn't mean that I would forget that it was her day.

I left the apartment twenty minutes later. The sun wasn't up yet and New York City was covered in white. I took a quick look at my watch; 6 am. I sighed and started walking. Two blocks and I would be there. I started walking faster until it was around the corner. When I could see it, I stopped. It was right in front of me, the place I had visited so many times in the past three years.

I walked towards the cemetery; feeling empty like every morning. I didn't need to search, her grave was right next to her mother's. I knelt down into the snow and whimpered but it wouldn't help. The tears started running and I couldn't help it. I looked at her gravestone and at the dedication:

To the extraordinary KB who always will be unforgotten.

To Kate, the woman who showed me what strength really means.

To Kate our sister and friend.

So that's it. I hope you liked it, hope you enjoyed it. It started as a simply thought but I need to say that I'm kinda proud of this. Anyway - happy birthday Tiff, hope you liked it too :)