It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew.

— Henry Rollins

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to really know where you stand."

— Hayley Williams

A/N: Listen to Capital Children's Choir cover of "Father, Father" by Laura Mvula, it's beautiful and what I listened on repeat while writing this fic.

"Olivia, something bad has happened, can you please call me," I whispered into my phone, the other end of the line is silent; it had gone straight to voice mail again, for the eighth time. I closed my eyes and tried to will away the tears.

At twenty-three, my oldest brother was too young to be gone, his life had ended when he jumped on a landmine to save a family that had recently lost their father, he had been airlifted to China, where he was officially declared dead after two days spent in an ICU.

Just how was he supposed to tell his mother, she was a daughter of Pluto, so she understood that death was a part of life, she herself had died and come back, but this was different, just like his father, there was no coming back. No one would be able to bring them back, they didn't have the same ties to the dead as his mother did.

The phone rang and I answered without thinking, "Hello, Olivia?"

"Garrett, it's Carlos, I thought I changed your ringtone for m-"

"What do you want?" I growled at him, I didn't have time for his petty and unnecessary care.

"Are you okay? I'm coming over, you just stay home," he told me, I glared at the floor.

"Don't, I-"

"No exceptions, I'm coming over and calling your sister, something's obviously wrong with you," he stated, I sighed and hung up on him.

It wasn't hard to pick the lock on the cabinet over the fridge, Pluto, Leo was often called over to do it for mom. So when Carlos and Olivia showed up, with Ali and Frankie in their arms, I was finishing off the bottle of Morgan and reaching for the unopened one.

"Garrett, what are you doing?" Olivia yelled, I winced slightly, but otherwise stayed where I was on the floor, flag clutched to my stomach and bottle held tightly in my hand.

"Remember when we use to pretend that we were pirates Olivia?" I asked her, "you and me were the deck hands, while Marcus was first mate and-and-" I broke off, tears stinging my eyes, I held the flag closer to myself and began all out wailing.

"Garrett." Olivia handed Frankie to Carlos and told him to put them in the collapsible playpen in the living room. "Garrett what happened?" She was being gentle, even more so than she usually was, all of her movements were calculated and soft, she was waiting for me to lash out at her, but I wasn't like our older brothers.

She calmly pried the bottle out of my hand and unfurled my other to see the pair of dog tags, James' dog tags. "Oh gods Garrett, I-I…were they waiting?"

"Yes," I sobbed, she pulled me into a hug and kissed my forehead, I could feel her own tears in my hair.

"When's mom coming home?" she asked, her voice breaking, she held me tighter.

"I-I have no idea," I told her, closing my eyes, "but what…what am I going to tell her?"

I pulled away to look at her, our oldest brother was gone. Olivia and James never got along that well, but they were still family, it still hurt to lose him.

"Does Marcus know?" she asked, advoiding the question.

"I left him a voice mail first, why weren't you answering?" I asked; she blushed through her tears.

"Nico got home early and the kids were napping, we-"

"I get it, sorry if Carlos interrupted," I told her, whipping away tears, "I had told him not to come, but he was insistent."

"If I remember correctly you hung up on me," he said, coming back into the kitchen, he sat down on my other side, I leaned into his side.

"I can call Marcus, if you want," said Olivia getting to her feet, she walked to the table and sorted through the mail.

"Do you want me to stay?" Carlos asked me, letting me bury my face into his neck. "Or should I get out of here before your mother gets home?"

"Stay, please," I told him, he played with the curls at the nape of my neck and I relaxed into his arms.

"Garrett? Did you read this letter?" Olivia asked from her seat at the table, I looked over at her.

"Yeah, it just said that James saved-"

"No, not that, this letter says that you got accepted into the New York College Orchestra and that they want you to join them as soon as possible for rehearsals," said Olivia, she stood up and walked back over to me, "Garrett this is your foot in the door, you're going to be joining a real orchestra." She hugged me and handed me the letter, I knew that she was trying to cheer me up, but I couldn't be bothered with this right now.

"Goodbye Yellow Brick Road by Elton John and Let It Be by The Beatles, I'm going to play those at the funeral and then I'm never touching a violin again," I told her, standing up from the floor, I threw the letter away as I walked towards the living road.

"No, Garrett! I'm not going to let you do that!" I expected Olivia to yell at me about this, but it was Carlos, I turned to him, he had been right behind me the whole time. "You love playing and just because James is gone, it doesn't mean you can throw everything you love and worked for away. I know that he wouldn't want that."

"YOU KNOW!" I screamed, causing Ali and Frankie to start crying, "YOU NEVER EVEN MEET HIM!"

"When my mom died, I felt the same way that you do now…I wanted to give everything up, because why does it matter if I can't share it with her," I turned to look at him, "if Leo had never taken me to camp, and I had never meet Mitchell, I would be living on the street right now, I could be dead. We have to be thankful for the small miracles, you lost James, but you're going to play in an orchestra, something you've wanted since you were little."

He took my hand and pulled me to him, I always forgot that I was taller than him unless we were standing close like this, I wasn't use to being taller than other guys, I got mom's height.

"Small miracles won't bring him back," I said, as he pulled me into a hug.

"Th-"

"Hello? Garrett are you home? Jason and Piper are joining us for dinn-" she stopped when she saw the seen in the living room, Olivia had calmed down her children by turning into a brown bear and was still in that form and Carlos and I were still hugging. "What's going on?"

"Hazel, I think you need to sit down," Piper said, she was holding a letter in her hand and tears were streaming down her face. I held up a hand to Piper, and pulled away from Carlos to guide mom to the couch.

"Mom, I have some bad news," I said and took both of her hands in my own, "James passed away yesterday."

Her face broke and I wrapped my arms around her as she cried.

"I'm sorry mom."

~One Week Later~

Marcus, Stephan, Nico, and I carried the empty casket to the official grave site, the real funeral had happened in New Rome yesterday, we were in Vancouver today for the military funeral. I had played James' favorite song yesterday, Goodbye Yellow Brick Road with Marcus' accompaniment on piano. Yesterday had been to celebrate James' life, today was to celebrate his military career.

"Why is this thing so heavy?" Stephan asked, he was quiet enough that only the four of us could hear.

"Maybe you've gained some weight with Rosa these last few pregnancies," Nico countered, from behind me.

"If you're going to complain then we'll switch you out for Carlos, he's been more supportive anyways," said Marcus, as we came to the end of the aisle. The four of us carefully set the casket down.

I walked over to my violin and began to play as the officiant began blessing James' empty casket; Let It Be played loudly and clearly, across the field as the casket was lowered down beside dad's grave.

"James Alexander Zhang, son, brother, friend, Centurion, and First Lieutenant of the United States Army, may he rest in peace, amen."

"Amen," the crowd echoed and then broke up to head back to the house, leaving me with the last of my family.

"Wait!" I said, before the crowd could completely leave, I had refused to talk yesterday instead letting mom, Olivia, and Marcus talk about James. "I have something to say."

Everyone turned back and looked at me expectantly.

"James was my oldest brother, and I looked up to him a lot," I started, clutching my violin tightly, "he always had a way of making me feel better. When I was little, my father wasn't around a lot, so James took me under his wing, so to speak…and when dad died, I held on tighter to him. James was there for me when I needed a dad, he listen and gave me advice, even when he couldn't relate to me, he tried too. When I was told that he had passed away, I couldn't believe, all I wanted to do was call him and ask him if it was true, but when it went to voicemail I understood that he wasn't coming back. James was a lot of things, but to me he'll always take up the spot of where my dad should be, as while he was my brother, he was like a father to me too."

I was surprised when applause started; I hadn't expected anyone to care what I had to say about James.

"Thank you," I said and then bowed.

The crowd dispersed after that and I began to pack up my violin and equipment.

"You're words were very moving Garrett, I didn't know James meant that much to you…and played very well also," said Nico, he had Ali resting on his hip and gnawing on the collar of her dress. "You'll do well in the orchestra."

"What orchestra?" mom asked, Nico at least had the decency to look embarrassed. "Garrett, where did you get accepted to?"

"The college orchestra, mom, I start on Tuesday when we get back," I told her, sling my case over my shoulder, "I'm going to get a law degree and play the violin…I don't want to join the army," the last bit was more of a reassurance for myself.

"Okay," she whispered pulling me to her, when she pulled away I couldn't help but notice the tears that stained her face. "Okay, I can handle this. Orchestra and law school and Carlos, you have your life more put together than I did at seventeen."

I knew better than to mention that she got married at eighteen and had James at twenty-two so there was time for me screw up my life, like she apparently had.

"Thanks mom," I said instead and with that all of us moved to go to the house.

"Goodnight James," I whispered to the grave, hoping that maybe he would hear those last two words.

A/N: This was emotional from start to end and I've been trying to write this story for months. I'm sorry if I got any of the military ranks or anything like that wrong, I just googled and went from there.