"Dammit Jim, you've got to stop taking so many blows to the neck. I don't know how much longer this thing will hold out."
Kirk forced out a sarcastic little laugh. "Bones...it's...NOT like I can...CONTROL...where I get punched."
McCoy ran a hand held scanner over the captain's throat, then analyzed its readings. "A-ha. Just as I suspected. That darn valve's crushed again. I'm going to have to open you up."
"You're sure that's...necessary?" Kirk gave a look around, making sure no one else was in Sick Bay. "Well, do it...quickly then...and...LOCK...the door, please."
After securing the area, McCoy reached behind his friend's skull and pressed gently between two tendons at the base. A sound, more audible than a sigh but less than a click, came from the captain's adam's apple, and a two inch square door popped open, revealing a part of the man that very few had seen. The surrounding nerve endings had long been removed, and Kirk felt nothing. The doctor grabbed a thin metal device, similar to a flat head screwdriver, and began the delicate task of prying open a metal flap inside his commanding officer's throat.
"Well? What...do you THINK? A...new...microchip?" Jim asked.
"No," McCoy replied, his brow furrowed in concentration, "the chip is fine. It's just that every time you crush this breath valve, the chip misinterprets that as a willful pause on your part."
Kirk grunted in agreement. "I...SOUND...like a damn...FOOL."
"Easy, Jim; we're almost done." McCoy worked delicately while he thought of how to phrase his next words. They'd both been through this many times before, and Leonard McCoy knew how obstinate his friend could be. "You know, we really should replace this whole unit. They've come a long way with artificial larynxes and voice synthesis in the last twenty years."
"No way, Bones. Do you...REALIZE...how MANY...replacements...I had while I was...growing UP?"
"Well, the size of your throat hasn't changed any, so the whole procedure would be quite simple. Basically, we'd just yank this one out and shove a whole new system in there." He gave a few more pushes and the valve popped open. "There. Done."
Kirk closed the door in his neck and absent-mindedly rubbed his throat. "Testing, one, two, three, four." Satisfied, he exhaled a small, gratified sigh. "Thank you doctor, much better."
"Don't mention it. Now, you may experience slight pauses or inappropriate enunciation in your speech pattern until we can replace the damaged portion."
"Acknowledged. Go ahead and order it right away, but remember -"
"No one will find out," McCoy assured his friend. "I know how fussy you are about that whole 'perfect captain for his crew' thing you've got going on."
"Bones, I KNEW I could count on you," Kirk chuckled as he headed for the door.
"Just one more thing," McCoy called out.
Kirk recognized the cantankerous tone in the doctor's voice and turned back, one foot in Sick Bay and the other in the corridor. "Yes?"
"Next time, duck."