Under My Skin

"Yusuke, Keiko's leaving you. You'll never get to see her or your daughter."

I ran that phrase inside my head ten million times, if not… more. Each time the phrase stabbed a knife into my heart and wrenched it further into my chest, and it became more painful as it went.

Immediately I said, "Watch her come crying back home," I figured it was just a joke as my tougher outer-side took over. Inside I was denial. Was she serious? Would Keiko really do that? I had pissed her off when she was tired. Probably not a good idea, but it was just a sign that I wanted her to get up and goof with me; like we used to. "Yea, well then tell Keiko that if she's moving on, then I'm going to move on!" I said. I really was faking that. But maybe if Keiko heard it, then maybe she would return to me.

"You don't even care about her, do you?" Botan asked me.

"Don't judge me," I replied in a shaky voice. I did care about Keiko. How do you think I defeated Suzaku? DARN IT! Why were they questioning if I love Keiko or not! I love Keiko more than anyone in the whole world. She was there for me even when I was little. I hid my head over a blanket. I remember all the things Keiko had said during the game 'I Never' while I was silently listening. She said she had regretted marrying me and regretted that she was going to bear my child. She also said she had so many swear names to call me that she had no time to list them all.

I stared up at the ceiling without blinking. I was in total S-H-O-C-K. I kept wanting to think this was just a horrible dream, that I would wake up sometime and the nightmare would be over; but this was just the beginning. I put my head under the blanket further still sitting on the couch. I no longer wished to stare at the faces that told me such the bad news that it made me want to throw-up.

Botan came over and asked me if I was dead. I didn't reply; I didn't want them to hear me whimpering under my breath. "Good! He's better off dead!" Someone yelled. My inner self took over. Tears ran violently down my face as I cried thousands of tears. The pain of my heart ripping itself to shreds was, too, much to bear. Keiko had broken my heart, and broken it good. What was she torturing me for? For all I had done in the past few years? For all the times I had snuck up and scared her? For all the times I had accidentally lifted up her skirt? Those were all just my ways of flirting with her.

They chanted some more, "You'll never get to see you're daughter. You'll never get to see what she looks like or what her personality is like."

SHUT UP! I yelled inside my mind. Everything hurts so much. The words that they spoke, that Keiko left with my unborn daughter, and most of all, that my heart was shredding itself into a million pieces.

Botan peeked under the blanket and I quickly wiped my eyes. Botan just put the blanket back over my head. They thought I was giving them the silent treatment, but I was too busy trying to breathe in-between my whimpers of sorrow to answer to them. I would've taken any amount of physical pain from Keiko, but this was unbearable. I hated the way she would toy with my mind sometimes, but I admit; sometimes, I deserved it. But she had always let me learn my lesson and then rewarded e, but this time; I wasn't sure.

Would Keiko ever come back? I had been stressed a lot lately about my mission coming up. So my temperament had changed completely from my inner, nice self that was always affectionate, to my foolish jerky outer-tough self. This usually happened when I couldn't handle the stress of the upcoming mission so I would change to my jerky self.

I had a lot of missions in the past year and the Dart Tournament was already over with. I still had the disturbing images of some demon's deaths stuck in my head. I whispered Keiko's name over and over again. I couldn't stand the thought of being without Keiko. "Okay, Keiko," I whispered, "I learned hic my lesson. You hic can come home now." I didn't want to believe it. Did Keiko really say what they had said? Or were they all lying? I didn't trust any of them.

I would have quit my job all for Keiko and let Kuwabara take over. Keiko… I whispered her name in my head. It brought about the memory of her face… but it only caused me more pain. Keiko would be the only one I would embrace. No one would ever take her place, no one. I remember all the times we spent together. I missed her so much already and the mental torture was tearing me apart from the inside.

If only she had took the time to look Under My Skin, she would have understood me. No one has the patience for me. No one ever will. I doubt anyone will ever take the time to listen, and I hope that Keiko still listens to the song I wrote down for her, because I still do; Under my Skin, the inner me; the real me that is hidden under all this junk.

Keiko… I miss her. I hope she comes back. I don't know how I would be able to survive without her. She's my one and only. The one that feels right. She was there for me and I failed her. I know that now. "Keiko, please change your mind. Please come back," I whispered as I thought she could hear me. But I know she can't. I spend the rest of my days in silence. Another mission is coming up soon.

"I can't leave without you Keiko," I whispered, "Even if you hate me and would kill me, I would still love you love you with all my heart. I'd do anything for you. Doko shi atai ai ei, Keiko. Do you remember that phrase? I remember you, Keiko; your brown flowing hair, your cheeks that blush the colors of cherry blossoms, and your chocolate brown eyes. I remember it all. Please come back to me. Would you really want me to die? Keiko…" No matter how many times I say her name in my head, I feel no warmth. Keiko's gone. I remember the first two times I died. Keiko was a wreck.

"I don't want you to hurt, Keiko. I'll give up this mission. I'll refuse to participate. I really want to be by your side when you're giving birth to Sakura," I whisper some more. I wonder if Keiko can hear me. So if our paths cross sometime soon, look under my skin. At the person you married, not the junior high idiot. So please, just look under my skin.

By Yusuke Urameshi