A/N- Okay, this is seriously one of the funniest things I have ever written (so far). I kept thinking of Edward getting high and spilling his deepest, darkest, weirdest secrets to Bella. Enjoy.
I'd just like to let you know, stories like this get me through the tough times of writers block that even music can't solve.
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Tap tap tap!
The staccato sound of my fingernails on the thin glass tried to crack my mental anxiousness. I was at Forks' famous 'Route 66' gas station, waiting impatiently as the numbers on the gas gauge ticked by sluggishly. I think they were passing so slowly just to annoy me- I needed to get to Edward's house. Now.
Emmett had told me last Saturday, while he was 'babysitting' me, that he wanted to tell me a funny story about Edward, but he wanted him to be there to see his reaction.
"I swear to God, it'll be the funniest thing you ever heard." he had told me reassuringly, "You might have a heart attack laughing so hard- Edward might just have to change you right then and there."
And, of course, this was Edward and Carlisle's big 'father-son' hunting trip, so they had been gone all week while I waited to hear the story.
I'd tried to coax Emmett out of waiting, but he wouldn't budge. He was completely different than Edward in that way. Me batting my eyelashes, or using my new 'seductive voice' had no effect at all on him. Edward, however…
The numbers finally clicked to a stop, my prepaid gas filling my tank. I removed the nozzle and slid it not-so-smoothly back into its place. Tiny rust flakes fell to the damp asphalt as I closed my door and actually sped away. I pushed my truck to it's sad 65mph speed limit, listening to it groan in protest.
"I know, I know." I murmured sympathetically, "You take enough abuse whenever Edward drives. I'm sorry."
I pulled up to the white mansion, greeted by the sight of my own personal Adonis waiting for me on the porch, smiling. In the time it had taken me to pull my keys out of the ignition, he was there, leaning into my window, smirking playfully.
"Hello," he said musically.
"Hi," I replied shyly, "I missed you."
He took my hand gently and pulled me out of the truck, shutting the door behind me. More rust flakes fell as he leaned into me, mashing our mouths together. My tongue traced his full, cold lower lip as his hips grinded against mine in a very vulgar, un-Edward way. I wished, in that moment that was like so many others I had shared with him, that I could read his mind, to see how he felt.
Or what he was fantasizing about….
Without warning, he thrust his tongue past my lips and into my mouth, twisting it around mine. My eyebrows raised, and he groaned as I began to suck on his tongue- it tasted amazing. (A/N- :Z)
His hand snaked up to my butt, cupping it roughly. I whimpered, his other hand grabbing my leg forcefully, wrapping it around his waist. The other one followed, and I was wedged between him and my truck, hanging from his waist. His hips began to move in an odd way, so I loosened my legs a bit to see what he was up to.
He was rotating his hips in a thrusting manner, slapping them against my spread legs. It was then that I noticed the massive bulge straining against the zipper of his dark Levi's . And it wasn't difficult to imagine what he was thinking. Wanting.
Neither of us had noticed Carlisle wander to the front door.
"Edward?" he called, seeming shocked.
We sprung apart, my legs flying from around Edward's waist as he spun to look at Carlisle, his eyes wide.
"I'm…surprised." Carlisle called as my face began to burn.
"Umm," was Edward's witty response.
The good doctor shook his head disbelievingly. "I am just going walk away now." My face was on fire as my future father-in-law walked off.
He smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry, love." he said, "I really should be able to control myself…" He had begun to shift casually in the middle of his sentence to hide his boner. I giggled.
"Bella!" Emmett called suddenly, scooping me up, "I have to tell you the story now!"
"What story?" Edward asked, his eyes narrowing suspiciously.
We three moved to the living room, Emmett settling me down onto one of the white couches, letting me lean against Edward's stone shoulder. My lover's eyes were still very suspicious as Emmett began.
"The year is 1972," he grinned, eyeing Edward, "people were big into spreading peace, free love, yada yada."
Edward stiffened in his seat.
I gasped. "Tell me that my Edward wasn't one of those tree hugging hippies that were in a constant battle with 'the man'." I pleaded, smiling hopefully at the object of my statement. He grimaced.
"No- Edward hated the 70's. This is part of the reason why. They were also big on getting high- crack, ecstasy, LSD. You name it, they were using it in the 70's. But, the big one was pot-it was cheap, "organic", and it gave you a great, long-lasting high. Edward wondered why people did this- it killed you, made you do and say the stupidest things."
I smiled at Edward, kissing his cheek.
Emmett grinned devilishly. "So, he decided to try it. Carlisle approved- he wanted to see if pot would effect a vampire. It was so weird to watch Edward smoke."
I felt my eyes widen.
"At first, nothing happened- he was the same old, plain-Jane Edward. But, just when we were about to say 'Bang goes that theory' he started to twitch in his seat. His eyes got all glassy, and this retarded grin spread across his face. And he just started to laugh- not his normal, controlled chuckle. This was a really weird, throaty laugh that just screamed 'stoner'."
"But I am not a stoner," Edward objected, "I only tried it once!"
"Whatever happened to 'just say no'?" I laughed.
Emmett shook in his seat with silent laughter. "You haven't even heard the best part- Edward's one of those guys that would get high and confess to murder. He paced the floor for an hour, telling me his whole life story. But then, Rose came in."
I could tell by the growl stirring in Emmett's throat that I wasn't going to like this part.
"And he smiled and said 'Hey, baby', and laughed that stoner laugh of his. He tried to put a move on her, and she threw him threw a wall!!!" now, my big brother was laughing in booming bursts that shook the windows and glass walls.
"Let me clarify," Edward defended, looking nervously at me, "I only 'put a move' on Rosalie because, for a fraction of a second, while I wasn't even in control of myself need I remind you, I found her slightly attractive."
I blinked. "Hey!" I growled, realizing something, "You don't even call me 'baby'!"
"That's because I have more tact than that." he sniffed.
"We'll see." I said, "Emmett, how fast can you get some pot?"
Edward's eyes widened. "No! I am not doing that again."
"Worried that you might find me attractive this time?" I sneered.
He sighed. "Just so that you can see how unwise drugs are."
I grinned excitedly.
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AN HOUR LATER
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Emmett and I sat there, watching Edward, who was settled in a black recliner chair. He had already smoked it- begging that I leave and not watch. But I refused, staying rooted in my place, eyes wide as I watched my fiancée take a long drag, trying not to cough. A thin line of smoke escaped from his perfect mouth, and, though it was angled away from me, I could still smell it. My eyes watered, and I pulled the collar of my shirt over my mouth and nose.
"I'm sorry." he said, avoiding my gaze as the cigarette disappeared.
I was pulled from my flashback when Edward began to twitch in his seat.
"Here it goes," Emmett said, surprisingly serious.
Edward looked at me, his expression more than nervous- he was scared. His eyes closed, and the twitches became more violent. His hand was balled up into a fist at his side, all of his large, perfect muscles tensed as if someone were about to hit him.
But suddenly, the twitches stopped all together- there went the retarded smile, spreading slowly across his angelic face. His eyes slowly opened, glassy as promised, and he stared at Emmett, who looked concerned as his eyes flashed between Edward and I.
"What are you starin' at?" Edward slurred, sounding drunk. I was off to his side, so he hadn't seen me yet.
"E-Edward?" I asked, drawing his attention to me.
I was shaking slightly as the smile widened. "Bella, baby," he emphasized in his drunkard-like tone, "you look so sexy."
My eyes widened- he had never called me sexy before, and it made me blush.
"Come here." he commanded, "Let me look at you."
I stood unsurely, shaking even harder as his glassy golden eyes ran slowly over my body, taking in my deep blue t-shirt and light wash jeans. He patted his knee, telling me to sit down. I looked at Emmett. Should I?
He twitched an eyebrow, saying 'Be careful.'
I sat down on Edward's knee, and he kissed my shoulder and collarbone, turning my body to face him so that he could reach my neck and face. His kisses were rough, sloppy, his hands wandering in places I wasn't ready for them to be.
I didn't like this at all.
I jumped when I felt his teeth on my neck, nibbling "playfully". It felt like he was about to break skin.
"Bella," Emmett warned, "stop him."
I tucked my chin, blocking his access to my throat. He huffed and rolled his eyes before moving to my mouth, trying to start something.
"Edward, stop." I gasped.
"Why?" he challenged immaturely.
"I'm not ready to do this."
He gave a very dramatic, irritated eye roll, huffing. "Sure, sure." he said, holding his hands up, "Buzz kill." he mumbled.
I flicked his ear. "I am not a buzz kill!" I growled, "I'm just not ready for…that."
"And by that you mean sex." he said.
"Precisely."
Another eye roll. "Buzz kill." he muttered again. I got up, huffing angrily. He grinned obnoxiously.
"But baaaby," Edward cooed, "I love you."
"And I love you," I said, "just not right at this very moment."
Emmett stood, putting his arm around me, a one-armed hug. "Bella, you're forgetting that he is high as a kite."
I bit my lip. "Let's agree to never to do this again."
"Deal." he said.
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FIN