Author's note/Disclaimer: I don't own FFT, it belongs to Squaresoft.

Well, what to say about this? Hmm… Well, it's demented. It's also a parody/satire/whatever of a certain website and it's stupid rules…and my grade 8 teacher, "The Change Room Bandit". A couple of his lines are direct quotes, and while I may have exaggerated him, it's really not by that much. And only people who were in my class that year will understand the salt in the coffee thing. Tee hee. And honestly, this really isn't all that great, but I wrote it and posted it anyway. So there.

"School of the Damned"
By Skylark Starflower
Started and finished August 20, 2005

Teta hated school. The other students were mean to her, the teachers despised her; in short, no one but Alma accepted her or tried to be her friend. And this Monday seemed to be no different as the rain poured down and she made her way to her class along with Alma.

When they got there, they found someone unfamiliar standing at the front of the class. The name on the blackboard read Mr. Lauzon. Once everyone sat down, he introduced himself.

"I am Mr. Lauzon. I will be teaching this class since a Vampire ate your last teacher the other day. You will speak only when spoken to, and you will call me sir. Got it?"

There was stunned silence.

"Okay, now, let's get to work. See these?" He swatted at a piece of paper hanging on the wall with a meter stick. On it were written the school rules. "You will memorize these today and I expect to hear a perfect recital of them EVERY WEEK, you got that?"

"Yes," replied a few people in the class. Mr. Lauzon slammed his hands down on the desk in front of him, causing the whole class to jump.

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, sir!"

The teacher nodded and straightened up. "Good. Now, on to your first lesson, music. Everyone get out your instruments."

The class did as told, and Teta, who'd last been asked to learn a newer, popular song, started to practice it. Mr. Lauzon's eyes bulged when he heard it. "What do you think you're doing, young lady?"

"Um…practicing the song I was told to learn, sir?" she replied.

"No! That is unacceptable! We are not playing any prewritten music in THIS class! We write, play and analyze only music written by the students!" And he grabbed her reed flute and threw it out the window.

It was a very quiet music lesson after that.

"Okay, instruments away, bring out your writing tools, it's time for English!" After almost forty minutes of near silence, the class was filled with the sounds of students pulling out books and pencils. "Write a story. I don't care what about, just do it. I will come around and watch your progress."

Teta decided she'd try something new she'd heard of, something called a 'choose your own adventure' story, where every few pages or so, the reader would have the choice of turning to one page or another to continue. She was happily writing away when Mr. Lauzon loomed over her shoulder. The vein in his forehead throbbed.

"What is this? 'Turn to page 36?' What are you writing?"

Teta cowered. "It's a new type of story I'd heard about, where the reader gets to make the decisions of the main character…"

"Making decisions? That means thinking! Making decisions and thinking are NOT ALLOWED IN THIS CLASSROOM! And WHAT is THAT?" He pointed at something on the page.

"A period, sir."

"What's it doing there?"

"Um…"

"Well, take it out! I will not stand for punctuation in this class!" With that, he took Teta's story and ripped it up. Then he marched around the classroom, destroying every story that contained punctuation, grammar and capitalization. He turned purple when he saw what Alma had written, the youngest Beoulve being the best English student in the class.

Holding Alma's story above his head as he shredded it, he announced, "I'm a little less than enthused with this kind of work!"

It was at this point most of the class burst into tears. Face still purple, veins throbbing fit to burst and eyes bulging, Mr. Lauzon roared at the class, "I'm sick and tired of your cavalier attitude!" and marched it in whole out of the classroom and down to the change rooms, where he did nothing but bellow about how evil the class was.

"Now, we're going to go back to class and repeat the school rules over and over and over again until they've sunk into your thick skulls! And then we'll do it again next week and the week after that until I think you've had enough!"

Teta and Alma made their escape during lunch hour to discuss the new teacher.

"Oh, how I hate him!" exclaimed Teta as she wiped tears of sheer boredom from her eyes.

"Yes, he is horrible," agreed Alma, "but what can we do?"

"Well, Delita did teach me a little about strategizing…"

"What, mutiny against the teacher?"

"What else can we do?"

"…Do you have a plan?"

Teta's plan attracted several others from her class, and they all set to work, preparing for war. Teta smiled, for this was the first time any of the others had treated her as an equal.

Alma giggled. "And Ramza thinks he's got it rough. All he has to do is learn to kill people!"

X X X

It was a smiling class that greeted Mr. Lauzon once lunch was over. "I'm glad to see you're all over being crybabies," he said, while pouring himself a large mug of coffee. The class smiled wider, and wider still as the teacher raised the mug and took a large gulp.

A strange look came across his face as his features began to shrivel and hiss. "NOOO! Not SALT in my coffee! How did you know I was a slug alien from Burtrump V?" And Mr. Lauzon shriveled up and died as the startled class looked on.

"And all we wanted was for him to open the door as he went to get water!" exclaimed Alma.

Just then, the door did open, pulling the string attached to the crossbow trigger, firing a bolt across the room and straight into the forehead of the startled man who'd opened it.

"Sir Dycedarg?" gasped half the room as the slain noble collapsed in the doorway. Teta thought it odd to see Alma smiling…

X X X

She jumped, awakened by the sharp rap of a meter stick across the desk.

"Miss Hyral! Please try to stay awake in class."

It was all a dream, Teta realized as she turned beet red and hid her face behind her textbook. She could see Alma glaring around as the rest of the class laughed.

Teta hated school.

The End