Warning of slash and a little angst.
When Sacherell emerged from the Chamber of the Ordeal, Douglass thought he could understand why Sacherell hadn't wanted to go near him two days ago, when he had had his own Ordeal. It hadn't hurt then; Douglass hadn't wanted company. Somehow, though, that made the ache all the keener now. Now he wanted to take Sacherell in his arms, but he didn't think Sacherell wanted him to.
Sacherell looked haunted. That was the only word Douglass could think of to describe Sacherell's deadened eyes and greenish-grey complexion.
His mouth worked, struggling to think of something to say, anything that could be helpful. Nothing emerged. It wouldn't have been heard anyway, despite the thick silence. Nobody could hear anything; not even Raoul's voice was audible as he murmured words, presumably of comfort, to his former squire as he led him out of the room.
Douglass managed to say something as Sacherell passed him. Quite what it was, he wasn't sure, but Sacherell seemed to appreciate it, and at least now he didn't feel quite so helpless as the haunted boy he loved was taken away.
He had gone to see Sacherell later that day, feeling bad for not having gone before and feeling worse for actually going now.
He hadn't gone alone, of course. He couldn't quite bear to face the sheer hopelessness in Sacherell by himself and so Lord Theodore had been chosen - well, forced, really - to join him. His arms were wrapped tightly around the bear, as though holding him would stop Sacherell reflecting on the Ordeal. Lord Theodore was still rather misshapen after Douglass had developed an inability to let him go two days previously. Regressing to childhood had helped distill the evils somewhat, though he knew that was a pitiful thing to do.
Raoul opened the door to him, managing a smile. "He's all right," he assured Douglass quietly. "He'll probably do better now you're here."
Douglass nodded, biting his lip and hoping Raoul didn't know more than he should. That wasn't something to think about right now. "Thank you," he said hesitantly, the words sounding strange somehow. "I, uh..." He trailed off, unable to finish what he had started.
"You brought Lord Theodore, I see," Raoul said, the smile growing a little more now that he had found comfortable ground. "Is this the fourth one?"
"Fifth," Douglass corrected, looking down at the bear and wishing he had been able to think of something more appropriate.
"Right. Ah. Go on in, then."
Douglass nodded and shuffled into the room, closing and locking the door behind him automatically.
"I'm not becoming a knight."
Douglass blinked, frowning at Sacherell. This wasn't what he had expected. Sacherell also didn't look how he had expected. He was strangely composed, strangely together. "What?"
"I mean it. I'll be a knight, but only in name. I'm not doing it, Douglass, I won't. I won't kill people."
The only thing Douglass could think of to do was laugh. It seemed so absurd that it couldn't be true, ergo Sacherell must be joking.
The problem was, Sacherell didn't look like he was.
"You're not serious?"
Sacherell nodded, rubbing eyes that were too dark with hands that were too pale. "I can't do it. It was all very well when - when I was younger, I didn't need to think about it, but I need to now, and I can't do it. And I won't."
Douglass considered this, running his tongue along his dry lips. He leaned his head back against the door, finding it made a satisfying 'clunk'. "Does Raoul know?"
"He doesn't need to," Sacherell returned. "I'll tell him when I'm ready, when I've decided what I want to do."
Douglass nodded, not entirely sure what to say for some reason, although he should, because this was Sacherell after all, despite it not really being his Sacherell. "How are you?" he asked finally, and immediately wished he hadn't because it seemed so insignificant.
"Oh, you know." Sacherell sighed, pressing his hand against his mouth. "Awful." He shot Douglass a side glance. "I could use a hug, if you're done with Ted."
Again, Douglass nodded, but it seemed harder than he'd thought to let go of Lord Theodore and move across the room to this different, removed Sacherell. He managed it and caught Sacherell up in a tight hug, finding it helped to close his eyes and pretend nothing else existed.
"Are you trying to squeeze something out of me?" Sacherell wanted to know. "I wouldn't say anything, only, I've always been rather fond of my ribcage and I think you're in danger of crushing it."
"Oh. Sorry."
"Me too."
It was a while before Douglass felt ready to bring it up again. They were in the forest, huddled together in front of a fire and Sacherell had just finished reasoning why he thought Lord Theodore was secretly King Ain.
As Douglass opened his mouth, however, Sacherell spoke again. "Alan'll be in there now."
Douglass shivered and nodded, fear clamping his mouth shut again. He couldn't do this.
"We're lucky, you know. Otherwise everybody would be out here."
"Ah, but are they not here because we're lucky or because Alan's unlucky?" Douglass quipped, in a poor stab at humour to lighten the situation.
Sacherell didn't answer for a second, just frowned. "What was yours like?"
"Horrible," Douglass confessed.
Sacherell nodded, his mouth trembling and his eyes shadowed. "I felt I'd lost everything, right up until you came to my room."
Douglass winced, shifting position so he could look up at Sacherell. "I'm sorry. I should have come sooner."
"You're here now. That matters more."
Douglass smiled and looked down, digging into the soil with a twig. He felt like he should kiss Sacherell or something, but that didn't seem right. It didn't seem honest, not when he didn't quite understand what Sacherell was going through.
"You don't understand."
The comment was spoken so flatly, so frankly, that Douglass didn't feel like he could comment with anything beyond a simple nod. It wasn't fair that Sacherell could still read him so well when he was only able to make stabs at what Sacherell might possibly be thinking about.
"It's all right. I didn't expect you to." Sacherell disentangled himself gently, leaving Douglass with empty arms, and leaned back, using his hands to prop up his head. "All of a sudden, everything Sir Myles said to me - to us, obviously - just made sense. There's, what, this Code to abide by, and it means nothing, Douglass! People can just ignore it, and they do. And the test of our worth is to show us our worst memories and then create new ones, so we have something to run from for the rest of our lives. It doesn't - it doesn't add up."
Douglass rubbed his head, biting his lip. "I think that's a pretty good test of somebody's worth," he said carefully.
"But people change, Dougy. People become corrupt. Who knows what I'll be like in five, ten years from now? A room?"
Slowly, Douglass released his lip. "I don't know about the room, but there's a boy who would very much like to find out."
Sacherell sat up and finally, finally, his face relaxed into a grin. "Oh yes? And does this boy happen to have a teddy bear?"
"A very big one," Douglass assured him, grinning back.
It was dark before they got back to the palace. They found it difficult to maintain a respectable distance from each other and were reluctant to speak to Geoffrey when they ran into him, though he seemed in the mood for talking.
"Where've you two been then?" he asked, eyeing them disapprovingly.
"Just for a ride," Sacherell answered nonchalantly. "Did we miss much?"
Geoffrey gave Sacherell a long, sceptical look. "You didn't hear anything?"
They shook their heads mutely.
"Alan - who turned out to be Alanna - challenged Duke Roger to a fight. He - she killed him. She claimed he had been trying to kill the Queen and Jonathan. She's also been having-" He pursed his lips, looking for the right way to phrase it. "She's with Jonathan."
Douglass and Sacherell exchanged a look.
"I knew it all along," Douglass claimed.