Batpig Blowout!
Still more fun with a Caped Crusader
It's still depressing in Gotham City. Life still sucks there. It got especially worse when Fox dumped Escaflowne for Nascar Racers…which has about as vague a plot as Action Man. Ooh, numbers, great superpower. Here's a happy little update. *Spoiler alert! If you don't want to know this, avert your gaze!* Apparently Wizardmon is seriously still dead, but his ghost comes back and has a little chat with the kids in some upcoming episode. I kid you not. Okay, so now the TVs are still busted, and we get to watch Kari glow like Chernobyl over and over. Let's just go to Turkey Wall Manor and get things over with.
"So Patamon, how was the date?" Biyomon asked.
"Awful! That box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch had nothing going! She was about as boring as Yolei!"
"Well, maybe it's time you got a life and found a girl with a brain…and a heart, and a liver, and a spleen, and some intestines…"
"Well, I got a call from a girl last night and…"
"Well? Is she a digimon or what?"
"She's a packet of Ring-Dings. I'm going with her and her twin sister."
"Oh God, why do I get stuck with the dimwits?"
Wizardmon is still dead.
Just then the doorbell rang. Joe, our happy Alfred substitute, goes to get the door.
"Hiyee, my name is Marilee and I want to tell you about a whole new way of loving God."
"AAAHHH! JEHOVAH'S WITNESS!" Joe screamed, shutting the door.
"Faithful Alfredo, what was that?" Patamon asked.
"Didn't you hear me? I said 'AAAHHH! JEHOVAH'S WITNESS!' How could you have missed that with those enormous ears?"
"A Jehovah's Witness? But…but Gotham City has never had a Jehovah's Witness here before," Biyomon said, trembling.
The doorbell rang again. Joe answered it quickly.
"Hi, I'm Ezekiel, and I want to spread the joy of the Lord to you."
"AAAAAHHHH! JEHOVAH'S WITNESS!"
"Another one?" Patamon asked. Suddenly a light flashed.
"God, that thingy again. Can't they just call you or something?"
"It's the Batpig Signal! To the Batpigmobile, Dead Wonder!"
The theme song starts up, they jump down the fireman's poles, and get into…
"Hey, these aren't our costumes!" Biyomon complained.
"These are dopey outfits from Card Captors!" Patamon whined.
"Uh, the capes and cowls are in the laundry," Joe called.
"Dammit. Now we have to walk around in pink frills."
~*~
At Gotham City Police Department…
"Batpig, Batpig Girl, Dead Wonder…what's with the costumes?"
"Laundry day," they replied.
"Oh. Anyway, the city is in turmoil. We've been getting calls that Jehovah's Witnesses are roaming the town, ringing the doorbell at supper when everybody is at the table and then trying to give the people brochures," the Commissioner stated.
"Sora, that's terrible!"
"It gets worse. Digimon across Gotham have reported their kids missing. The most recent was from Terriermon (the bunny!). Apparently Willis has vanished."
"Kids missing and Jehovah's Witnesses? Good golly, that's a catastrophe! We'll find them and get rid of those stupid Jehovah guys, don't you worry!"
"Patamon, why would kids be disappearing? And who would use a squad of fat southern people in queer t-shirts as their flunkeys?"
"I don't know, Biyomon. All I have to say is…does this costume make me look fat?"
~*~
As they drove around, the amount of Jehovah's Witnesses increased. Every one of them pudgy, many with beer-bellies, all southern or Canadian, and each wore a queer t-shirt.
"All right, let's get cracking. Ready, Dead Wonder?"
Wizardmon is still dead.
"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am on a wicked candy corn rush! I am Batpig!"
"And I'm Batpig Girl, who'll trade anyone her Twizzlers for a Milky Way!"
"Ooh, aren't they cute? Come, rejoice in the Lord, for he is good and righteous!"
"AAAHHH!"
"Patamon, what are we going to do? Pretty soon they'll be bringing out the guitars and singing Kum-Bi-Ya!"
"First, we find the missing kids. Then we deal with the Jehovah's Witnesses."
"Hey, let's all recite Psalm 987!"
The Jehovah's Witnesses surrounded our heroes.
"We're dead!"
"Wizardmon's already dead!"
Just then a Jag with a British flag on it pulled up. Veemon and Gomamon, still wearing their giant glasses, lace collared shirts, crushed velvet suits and necklaces, motioned for them to jump in.
"Guys, whaddya doing?" Biyomon asked.
"Well, until Kawaii Li'l Lia writes our Austin Powers fic, we're hanging out with you."
I'm working on it! I have fifty other things I have to finish too!
"We thought you needed a lift," Veemon pointed out.
"You made it just in time!" Patamon sighed.
~*~
They passed the town movie theater, and stopped as they heard blood-curdling screams.
"Sounds like the missing kids! Let's go!" Gomamon shouted, pulling out a dinky gun.
The Caped Crusaders and the two Mon of Mystery made their way inside. Pretty much all of the Digidestined were strapped down to chairs in the theater and being forced to watch…(shudder, shudder) Veggie Tales.
*For those of you who don't know what Veggie Tales is, it's these CGI movies starring talking vegetables with no arms that do Bible stories and stuff. Very church.*
"Dear sweet mother of God! This is torture!" Veemon gasped.
"Oh God, look at Cody!" Biyomon wailed. Cody had gone over to the Dark Side.
"The Lord is my Shepherd, I am his sheep," he intoned.
"We better get them out of here before Matt starts writing gospel music!"
"Must…resist…vegetables," Willis groaned, struggling.
"Think, Batpig Girl, think! What can we use to counteract the spell of the Jehovah's Witnesses?" Batpig shouted.
"I don't know! My utility belt is with Joe back at the Batpig Cave! All I have is this Harry Potter book Wizardmon swiped from Lia for the thirty-second consecutive time!"
"But Wizardmon is still dead," Gomamon pointed out.
"THAT'S IT!"
"What's it?" the others asked.
Patamon grinned (ew, scary thought) "Gimme the book! Jehovah's Witnesses are all against Harry Potter! We'll read a couple chapters to the kids!"
"And hurry, I don't think they can last much longer! Mimi is trying to wash the dye out of her hair and Tai's got a razor! I think he's gonna shave his head!"
"All right, here goes! A jet of green light issued from Voldemort's wand just as a jet of red light blasted from Harry's-they met in midair-and suddenly Harry's wand began vibrating as through an electric charge were surging through it."
"NOOOOO! The book of Satan!" the Veggie Tales vegetables shrieked. The Digidestined moaned piteously, and suddenly everything stopped.
"Did we do it, Batpig?" Batpig Girl asked.
"Ohh, my aching head. Somebody want to explain what's going on?" Matt asked.
"And what you're doing with my Harry Potter book?" Lia added.
"Uh, would you believe we're saving you from Veggie Tales and a squad of Jehovah's Witnesses?" Veemon asked.
"Okay, we'll untie them later, let's swing by the Batpig Cave and pick up our real costumes, then we'll take care of the Jehovah's Witnesses!" Batpig instructed.
~*~
To make a long fanfic short, the Caped Crusaders got their stuff and went after the Jehovah's Witnesses.
"And we shall follow the Lord for He is good and holy!"
"And I am the terror that flaps in the night! I have just eaten pure sugar! I am Batpig!"
"And I'm Batpig Girl, still waiting for that Milky Way…or a Snickers if you've got one!"
"And we're the Austin Powers Duo, shagadelic International Digimon of Mystery!"
"We know all about what you did to the kids. Forcing them to watch Biblical vegetables and turning them into mindless Born-Again Christians is just plain Unconstitutional!" Veemon shouted with his usual lisp.
"And so not groovy!" Gomamon added.
"And how shall you stop us, little fuzzy things? We have the power of God on our side."
"Oh yeah, well we have the number one book in the New York Times bestseller list for a good month!" Biyomon added.
"Harry spun around. Professor Moody was limping down the marble staircase. His wand was out and it was pointing right at a pure white ferret, which was shivering on the stone-flagged floor, exactly where Malfoy had been standing."
The Jehovah's Witnesses moaned in agony. "Not Harry Potter! Not the Devil's Book!"
"Shall I keep going?" Batpig asked.
"Nah, I have my utility belt. Let's see what else we have. Batpig Bookmark, Batpig Coat Hanger, Batpig Nutcracker, Batpig Swizzle Stick, Batpig Alarm Clock, Batpig Shoe Horn, Batpig Hentai Alarm, Batpig…"
"Did you say Hentai Alarm?"
"Yup. Anything in there sound useful?"
"Nope, keep going."
"Batpig Birthday Candle, Batpig Grapefruit, Batpig Exorcism Kit, Batpig 25th Anniversary Tape of the Rocky Horror Picture Show…"
"Wait! Let's do the Time Warp!" Gomamon shouted.
"The what?" Veemon asked.
"It's astounding…"
"Time is fleeting…"
"Madness takes its toll…"
"But listen closely…"
"Not for very much longer…"
"I've got to keep control. I remember doing the Time Warp…"
The Jehovah's Witnesses were in shock now. Wizardmon was not participating. He was still dead.
"It's just a jump to the left!"
"The merpeople had grayish skin and long, wild, dark green hair. Their eyes were yellow, as were their broken teeth, and they wore thick ropes of pebbles around their necks."
The sound of the Time Warp mingling with the readings from Harry Potter sent the Jehovah's Witnesses packing.
"YEAH! We did it!" the Caped Crusaders and Mon of Mystery yelled.
Now everybody can go home.
~*~
"All right, Patamon, I'm tired of seeing you throw yourself at food items. I'm setting you up with Gatomon and that's that. Either that or I'll find some character that showed up for half an episode and died or something."
"But Biyomon, after I date the Ring-Ding twins, I've got a date lined up with a bag of Cheese Doodles, a Yoo-hoo, and a can of Campbell's Chunky Soup."
"Maybe you'll stop if I put on the Veggie Tales."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Wizardmon is still dead.
~*~
Time for a quick disclaimer: I don't own Digimon or Harry Potter. The only thing I can safely call my own is Lia, who is MINE. If I have offended anyone of any religion, I am apologizing now. I got the idea from Gomamon 86, who was on the phone with me when some guy that we thought was a Jehovah's Witness came to her door. (He was actually coming to cut down dead trees.) Now that that's over, tune in next week, same Batpig Time, same Batpig channel.