Alright, here goes! I'm just getting this out of my system, and even though I have the whole story mapped out, unless I get reviews applenty I don't think I'll continue. Isn't that how I started my X-men fic? Oh well. Couple of notes: You can read this if you haven't seen Batman Begins, but you won't get some of the jokes. And just the same way that Gabriella in My Van Helsing fic is loosely based on Savitri, so is K.C., even though Savitri would never hire a man-whore. That said, dig in!
The Dark Knight's Dragon
"Ah, piss." Carm slammed her head against the dashboard – again. "Piss, Piss, Piss, Piss, Piss, Piss, Piss, Piss, Piss, Piss! Why am I stuck with the piece of crap, huh? 'Cause I'm too lazy!" Gotham's population of bums, drunks, hookers, and general night dwellers were startled from their sleep in the underground parking lot as Carm slammed her head against the horn this time.
A particularly sleazy looking bum sidled up to the beat-up land yacht that Carm had been driving. "Scuse me, miss, but I noticed yer car broke down, an' on such an awfully cold night, I figered that mebe ya might need a place to warm up while ya wait fer a tow ta show up." Carm looked the bum over, getting a sinking feeling that there was a hidden meaning behind "a place to warm up."
"First off, you son of hooker, it's day and seventy degrees out. Second, I hijacked this car so I don't give squat about what happens to it. And third, if anything unfortunate were to happen to me, some very unscrupulous characters would be more than happy to teach you how to swim with cement shoes on." Carm packed up anything she might actually need from the glove compartment (quite a bit, because that actually was her car), shoved it into her backpack that served as a purse, and made a point of crawling out the door that the bum wasn't in front of.
"Listen lady –" was about all he got out before Carm bodily hurled him over the roof of the car. Before he could get up she made two swift chops at the base of his neck, just enough make him black out, and shoved him under the car. Most the witnesses there didn't notice or care due to being drunk or in the throes of a hangover, and anyone who might have cared didn't really want cross paths with the dame that just emancipated their leader of his awareness of his surroundings.
Gotham was a dismal place, even when the sun was shining in the over-polluted sky. No part of what was once a futuristic utopia was unscathed by crime. When kids were old enough, they didn't learn about "the birds and the bees" they learned about "the hookers and the clients." Nobody hadn't lost a family member to the unquenchable crime, and more than 75 of the city was involved in some sort of a gang. It seemed the only happy people were the ones making life a living hell for everyone else, i.e. the higher-ups at Wayne Industries. Granted, things weren't as bad as they used to be, but that still left them plenty south of mediocre. There was Batman's wave after wave of theatrically-crazed foes, more gangs than schools, Gerodi Valintino (Gotham's new crime boss), and now Carm had to mess with duel identities. True, she wasn't exactly a saint either way you knew her, but at least she was making a dent in Gotham, and a slightly sadistic part of her hoped she'd put a nice dent in Batman too.
Really, that show off in the black cape deserved to be knocked off his high horse. And the front page. Outside the parking complex, Carm wasted some spare change on a paper that displayed Batman – again. However, the headline for once wasn't about Batman, it was about Gotham's newest nighttime shadow.
Dragon Guessed to Give Crime a New Scare
Gotham has been blessed – or cursed – with her very own Dark Knight. In legends, and Batman is most certainly a legend, a Knight's greatest foe was always a dragon. Now that Gotham has both a Knight and a Dragon, the question remains: Who will be vanquished? Is the Dragon a friend or a foe?
It went on to talk about the Dragon's nighttime antics and arguments for whether she should be left in peace or taken care of, but Carm didn't care about any of that bull. The only important thing was that Batman was finally getting some healthy, long-deserved competition.
Carm folded up her paper and walked along until she found the nearest sign-waving freeloader. She didn't have to go far. "Hey, buster, I'll give you twenty bucks and my paper for your sign and a marker." He gladly accepted and several steps off Carm wrote in big bold letters, "WANTED: SOMEONE TO GIVE ME A RIDE. RAPISTS, MURDERERS, AND GENERAL CRIMINALS NEED NOT APPLY."
Bruce Wayne hated this part of town. It seemed every time he came down here something was thrown at him. Not that his Batsuit couldn't stop it, but dried egg was a nuisance to get off. Plus there were the free loaders. They were interesting to watch, as long as they didn't get too close. Alfred didn't like plowing them over, but whenever he was in the Batmobile he didn't mind making them scurry.
"Master Wayne, what do you think of this new Dragon person?" Alfred passed back a copy of that morning's news.
Bruce scanned the copy. "As long as she stays on my good side, I don't particularly care what she does." Not in the mood for conversation, Bruce continued to stare out the window. One woman just outside a parking complex didn't look like she fitted in here, neither did her sign, which read, "WANTED: SOMEONE TO GIVE ME A RIDE. RAPISTS, MURDERERS, AND GENERAL CRIMINALS NEED NOT APPLY."
"Alfred, pull over." Bruce was already stepping out of the car.
"Here, Master Wayne?" But Bruce wasn't there anymore.
"Excuse me miss, do you need a ride?"
Carm wondered at how obvious the statement was. "Way to spot the iceberg, Captain Obvious."
Her sarcasm and apparently not knowing who he was hit Bruce like a breath of fresh air, something very hard to come by in Gotham. "Would you like one?"
Boy, obviously loaded and dripping with sarcasm. She liked him already. "Well, I was sorta waiting for Prince Charming and his white horse, but I suppose Mr. Money and his Rolls Royce would work just fine."
Bruce gave a polite laugh and held the door open for her. Very unladylike, she slid over a seat so he wouldn't have to go around the car.
"Where to, miss?" Polite as ever, Alfred kept his surprise hidden.
"Wayne Tower, if it's not too much trouble." So she could be polite, she just wasn't very often.
Trying at conversation, Bruce asked, "Do you work there?"
"Nah, but I got some errands I need to run in that general vicinity and a friend who lives over there. Normally I'd take the monorail, but that damn Batman blew up my route."
Bruce raised his eyebrows and Alfred stifled a laugh. Trying for conversation again Bruce spoke up. "So, did you read this morning's paper?"
She nodded.
"What did you think?" She obviously didn't care for conversation.
"To express my opinion to its fullest I would have to be very rude, to say the least." Carm hoped that would shut him up.
It did, and the rest of the ride was silent. Alfred dropped her off at her desired spot and she left with a curt thank you.
Carm's errands were nonexistent, and "her friend's apartment" was actually the three room, four if you included the bathroom, "suite" that she and her best friend K.C shared. As she unlocked the door she noticed the rubber band around the handle. That meant, "Carm/K.C., I'm busy and don't you dare interrupt." Well, Carm was in no mood to cater to K.C.'s tumultuous relationships and barged in singing, "It's a small world after all."
"Carmine Alexia Lordly, I ought to bash your skull in!" K.C. looked up from the couch, and other than a few undone buttons she was thankfully still clothed.
Feinting innocence Carm exclaimed, "Oh, I'm sorry, was interrupting something? In that case, I'LL JUST SING LOUDER! IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL, IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL, IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL, IT'S A SMALL, SMALL WORLD!"
K.C. Jumped the couch and tackled Carm. It didn't quite work because at that moment Carm opened the fridge and instead of smashing into Carm, she smashed into the refrigerator door.
From the couch a deep, masculine voice asked, "Should I perhaps come back another time?"
Before K.C. could say anything Carm answered, "Yes, you should. In fact, don't come back at all." The man left in a hurry.
"I hate you." K.C. muttered, still face down on the floor.
"I know. Geeze, where do you pick those guys up? I swear, I'm not going to be surprised when I walk in and find you and Batman rolling around on the floor." A cackle told Carm that K.C. wouldn't be that surprised either – or depressed. "Sicko. The car broke down again."
"Where is it?"
"I hope rotting in a landfill. I think we just ought to buy a new one."
"Well, Miss I-can-tip-the-pizza-guy-a-twenty-but-I'm-too-cheap-to-buy-anything-with-my-money, I'm not gunna stop you. I'd like a BMW, but if you'd rather have a Ferrari I'll be fine."
"Nah, I was thinking of just getting a used car and having my brother take a look to see if anything is wrong with it."
Carm enjoyed the gurgle of despair. "So if the car's broken and the monorail is out, how'd you get home?"
"Some rich guy gave me a lift."
"That's kinda risky, hitchhiking in this city."
Carm laughed. "What, you don't think I can handle myself?"
"Well, just be careful. One day your going to run into more that even the Dragon can handle."
"Relax, mother. If I can survive tonight I can survive anything."
"Alfred, I swear that if I have to go to one more party ever again I'll personally shoot my brains out with my grappling gun."
Alfred opened the door for Bruce the way any good butler should. "One more can't kill you, Master Wayne."
Pretending to smile, Bruce pretended to like being at the party and pretended to laugh at all of the cheesy jokes told. Half an hour of listening to, "And then she said" and "And I said" and Bruce thought his brain would implode and dribble out his ears. Excusing himself on the pretense of hunting down another drink, he finally left the group of people he hated and pretended to love. The whole party was full of people like that, people who hated and envied each other but pretending to be the best of friends. Gossipers and backstabbers, the lot of them.
Except for one person. Next to the bar, looking righteously uncomfortable in her blue silk dress was the same lady he had given a ride to earlier that day. If she was rich enough to make it on the guest list, why had she been hitchhiking, and why in that part of town?
"Excuse me, but I never caught your name." He tapped politely on her shoulder.
She turned around, expecting to see another poser trying to get on her good side and saw instead perhaps the only decent person in the room. "I don't believe I dropped it, Mr.…"
"Bruce Wayne at your service." He gave a theatrical bow.
"Carmine Lordly; and before you say anything, yes Carmine is a man's name, and no, I never had a sex change surgery. My parents were just screwed up that way. I swear, my brother got so harassed for being named Alice Sue." Bruce was glad that when he laughed this time it wasn't forced.
"It could be worse. I can't for the life of me think how, but it could be worse."
"I can. I could be named Bruce." He rolled his eyes and before he knew it he was sitting next to her, avidly discussing the most inconsequential things. When it was time for dinner he was thrilled to find that he and Carm (as she had asked him to call her) were seated next to each other.
"To be honest, I can't stand these parties, but I go anyway, just so that they may leave me alone if I'm enough of a brute at the party."
Bruce nodded his agreement, wondering if he should try the green-mush that was some Asian delicacy. Carm had the answer for him. She took heaping spoonful of the goop and flicked it right in his face. Not to be outdone, he discreetly poured his ice water down the back of her dress. She retaliated flicking more muck onto his head. He smeared potatoes in her hair. She stuck a cucumber in his ear. They went on and on, unnoticed until both were completely unacceptable looking and an over-zealous spoonful of soup landed onto hostess's hair. Before they could be labeled as the culprits, both Carm and Bruce made for the exit, trying not to laugh and bolt until they were out of the dinning room.
"You," laughed Bruce, "are a menace to high society."
Carm shook salad out of her dress, picked up a tomato and chucked it at him in response. "I'm a menace to high society that needs a ride home."
Bruce more than gladly offered her one, and this time conversation was much livelier. When Alfred asked what had happened they just laughed harder.
When they had reached her building complex, Carm ventured, "I feel slightly guilty about putting a cucumber in your ear, so I suppose I'll invite you up for a moment or so."
Bruce grinned and followed her up the stairs. When they go to her door, Carm peeled another rubber band from the doorknob. She burst in singing at the top of her lungs again. "ONE IS THE LONLIEST NUMBER THAT YOU'LL EVER DOOOOOOOOOOO! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO CAN BE AS BAD AS ONE, IT'S THE LONILEST NUMBER SINCE THE NUMBER ONE!" She was silenced by a misaimed gunshot.
"CARM I SWEAR THAT NEXT TIME YOU DO THAT I'LL BEAT YOU SENSELESS AND TEACH YOU TO SKYDIVE WITHOUT A PARACHUTE!"
"K.C., where do you find these men? Wait, you're not hiring man-whores, are you!" Carm tipped over the cheap couch, man-whore and all.
"He's a not a man-whore, and if you don't leave I'll begin saying some very embarrassing things about you!" K.C. was shaking with rage.
"Like you sleep with a purple elephant named Trunks? Or your parents live right above us?"
"OUT!" Carm quickly changed into jeans and a t-shirt and made a hasty retreat.
Bruce was laughing hysterically. "Good friends, huh?"
"Like sisters. Both our older siblings were lost to a gang fight, and we met at the funeral." Carm grabbed a gardening hose from the sidewalk and rinsed the potatoes out of her hair, "accidentally" spraying Bruce several times.
"So, since you have no where to go and had nothing to eat, I could offer you dinner." Bruce stole the hose and after rinsing himself off drenched Carm.
"You could, and I could accept." Carm shook her long brown hair out like a dog.
Next thing, she was in Bruce's car, and then in Bruce's mansion.
She whistled as he led her through the front door. "Nice crib! Is it just you who lives here?"
Bruce shrugged. "Me and Alfred. I'm not home much though, me being the party animal that I am."
She playfully socked his arm. "You look like a soggy salad, party animal."
"I've yet to thank you for that," Bruce smiled manically. "I'm going to go change into something less…"
"Green?" offered Carm.
"I was thinking fruity. Alfred will keep you comfortable until I come back down. I'll only be a minute." Bruce took off up the stairs and Carm followed Alfred into the kitchen, despite Alfred's protests that she'd like the parlor more.
REVIEW OR I'LL SET JENNIE AND ABBY ON YOU! AND MISTER TRUNKS!