Where Are You Christmas

Disclaimer:
I own nothing! Harry Potter and Severus Snape belong to J.K. Rowling...Oh! And the lyrics belong to...uh...whoever wrote them...Which isn't me...

Rating:
Pg-13 (T)

Genre:
Romance/Angst

Pairing:
Snarry (Snape/Harry SLASH! Don't like it, don't read it!)

Lyrics Used:
"Where Are You Christmas" by Faith Hill

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

It was Christmas Eve and Professor Severus Snape, death-eater turned spy, could be found standing next to a large oak tree, watching the falling snow while thinking back to this exact same time last year. He knew he'd never forget it. He didn't want to. It had been the one time in his life when he had been truly happy. For the first, and probably only, time in his life, he actually felt wanted...needed...even loved. He knew right from the start he hadn't deserved any of it. But he'd be damned if he would deny himself all the things he'd been denied all his life. No matter how much he tried to tell himself he should, he couldn't bring himself to regret a moment of it.

It was Christmas Eve and Severus was mildly surprised by the knock on his door. Nobody ever bothered to visit him over the holidays. They all had better things to do with their lives. However, he merely replied "Come in..." without looking up from the compelling novel in his hands.

If he was surprised by the knock on the door, then he was absolutely stunned by the fact that none other than Harry Potter, The-Boy-Who-Lived, entered his private chambers. For a moment he was rendered utterly speechless. He had found himself growing more and more attracted to the boy MAN, Severus!...You must remember this!...recently and had finally admitted to himself-if noone else-that he was in love with the man.

He was mildly relieved when Harry was the one to break the not entirely uncomfortable silence stretching between them. "Umm...Good evening, Severus..." He greeted, Severus couldn't help but notice that the man seemed somewhat nervous when he spoke. He also couldn't stop the shivers that still dominated his spine at the sound of his first name from Harry. Granted, it had become quite commonplace once Harry had started teaching at Hogwarts but it still seemed sort of...well...special to Severus.

Another silence stretched between them briefly before they both spoke up in unison. "There's something I've been meaning to tell you..." Severus was taken aback by 1)the fact that he had actually started to admit his feelings for the man to someone other than himself and 2)the fact that Harry's Heavenly voice had joined with his own when he'd said it. "You first..." Severus added simply, curious to see if his suspicions as to what Harry might have to say were correct. Perhaps, if they were, it would make Severus' own confession a little bit easier. I mean, honestly, exactly how does one confess their love to the savior of the wizarding world?

"Right...Of course...Well...What I wanted to say was...well..." Harry trailed off and Severus merely nodded for him to continue. Sighing, Harry let it all out in one breath. "IwantedtotellyouIloveyou!" Severus had to take a moment to process what Harry had said. After sorting out the whole scrambled mess, he was dumbstruck at the realization of what his love had said. Did he really just say that he loves me? Severus hadn't realized that he'd remained silent for a considerable amount of time. He was snapped out of his thoughts as Harry whispered brokenly "It was a mistake to come here...I'm sorry for bothering you, Severus..." and made to leave.

It hit Severus that Harry thought he was being rejected. In an effort to rectify the situation, Severus grabbed Harry's wrist as he passed him and stopped him mid stride Looking up into the younger man's eyes, onyx locked with emerald in an intense yet passionate gaze as Severus rose from his chair and stepped closer to Harry, gently pulling the younger man closer to him as he lowered his head to lightly brush his lips across those of his love. Before he could pull away, Harry snaked an arm up behind Severus' head and held him there as he deepened the kiss.

Severus knew it was his fault Harry'd left him. Hell, he was amazed that he'd stuck around as long as he did. Harry was always declaring his love for him but whenever Severus tried to return the sentiment, all of his insecurities would come flooding back to him as his mind told him that the moment he told Harry he loved him, Harry would suddenly change his mind and leave him. He realized, now, that that logic was completely absurd, but, at the time, he wasn't quite as rational in thought.

He sighed as his thoughts drifted toward Harry and what he might be doing right now. Probably spending Christmas with a wonderful, young, sexy husband who tells him he loves him and with a nice little family...Severus mused bitterly. He couldn't help the jealousy that arose within him. Though, most of it was bitter self-hatred. He loathed himself for driving away the only person to look past his mask and see him for who he truly was and to love and accept him for it.

It was then that he realized the tears streaming down his face. This should have taken him by surprise. After all, a Snape doesn't cry. However, ever since the day Harry left, it had become quite a common occurrence He couldn't help it. But, really, what was he going to do? It wasn't like he knew where the man was? Plus, after all this time, he probably wouldn't even want to see Severus anyway. By now, he probably realized what a fool he'd been to fall for Snape in the first place. Certain that noone would hear, Severus muttered the four words that-until that moment-could never pass his lips, "I love you, Harry...".

What Severus hadn't counted on, however, was the fact that Harry had returned to Hogwarts to visit Albus as he always did at Christmas. Harry happened to be walking by the tree where Severus happened to be standing at the exact moment Severus declared his love for him. Stopping dead in his tracks, Harry thought to himself Did he really just say what I thought he just said?!...Could it be true?!...Could Severus really love me, after all?! Deciding there was only one way to find out, Harry cleared his throat to announce his presence. Now, or never, Harry...He reminded himself.

Severus gasped softly when he realized he wasn't entirely alone and froze completely when he turned and saw who had joined him. Gods, he still looks as beautiful as he did then...But, Severus couldn't help noticing that the man looked as though he hadn't had a decent night's sleep in years. He wanted to help but reminded himself that gave up that right a long time ago.

"H-Harry? Wh-what're you doing here?" Severus asked once he'd regained control of his body. In his mind, he was praying he hadn't what Severus had said about loving him. It wasn't that it wasn't true-far from it, actually-he just couldn't stand the thought of being rejected again by the only person he ever truly loved.

"I've come to visit Albus again like I always do around Christmas..." Harry stated by way of explanation. For a moment, a slightly awkward silence stretched between the two men as they debated with themselves with the question of revealing what they were thinking to each other. Finally, Harry decided to voice the question weighing on his mind.

"Why did you say that?" Harry asked nervously, afraid of the answer he might receive. Regardless of what the answer might be, he had to know if it was true. Please, let it be true...He thought to himself.

Severus thought for a moment. It wouldn't do any good to deny it, now. Harry had obviously already heard him. Denying it further would only push him away again...And Severus was certain he couldn't go through that again. Sighing, he answered honestly "Because it's true...Harry, I've loved you from the moment I first laid eyes on you...I felt so guilty all those times you would declare your love for me and I could never return the sentiment. It wasn't that I didn't love you, I was just afraid. For some reason unknown to me, I felt as though the moment I confessed my true feelings for you, you would suddenly change your mind and leave me...I'm sorry for hurting you...You didn't deserve it, I know..." Severus turned his back to Harry so Harry wouldn't see the fresh tears streaming down his face. He'd already burdened his love enough with his confession, he couldn't add to that burden.

For a moment, Harry just stood there, awestruck. Severus was afraid?...He's loved me all along?...Could this really be happening?!...He thought to himself. Making up his mind, Harry reached out for Severus' arm, gently turning the older man around to face him. Harry saw the tears streaming down Severus' face and ached for them. He never could stand to see Severus in pain. Reaching a hand up to cup the cheek of his love, he gently brushed away the tears staining Severus' face and smiled ever so softly as he replied "I love you, too, Severus..." Hesitating only for a moment, Harry leaned up and placed a soft and tender kiss on Severus' lips.

Severus couldn't believe it. Harry still loved him?! When he felt the sensation of Harry's lips on his own, he took advantage of the situation and deepened the kiss, the two of them pouring forth all the emotions they'd suppressed for far too long. Once they finally parted for breath, Harry asked "Are you sure you love me?"

Smiling for the first time in a long time, Severus replied "I've never been more sure of anything in my life..."

Returning Severus' smile, Harry threw his arms around Severus and held him tight against himself, as though his life depended on it. It felt as though Severus would simply disappear the moment he let go and this would all be a dream.

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love