Was there ever something that you wish you could take back and do over again? Well I sure do, and as long as I live, I will never stop wishing I could. There isn't one day that I forget that choice that I made. It wasn't something that just affected my life, but it affected everyone around me. Well this is my story:

I remember we started out as friends, but others that knew us wouldn't know that because it was more of a secret amongst the two of us. In the halls, it was just hi here or there, but when she was at my house, in my garage, it was different. We told each other our dreams, our fears, everything. Some of the things we shared, no one else knew about us. It was just something we thought that we could only seem to share between us; it was as if we were scared for others to know them. She was so easy to talk to; she never made me feel like I had to hide anything about my true self. I guess you just had to know her to understand what I'm saying.

You could say she was my best friend, maybe even my soul mate. I cared dearly for her, but at the time, I didn't realize how much. She was the only one that I had told my secrets too, but one day I just went and left her to fend for herself, leaving her all alone. I had went and found myself someone, spending all my free time with my girlfriend instead; never spending any more time with her. We became strangers to each other.

She was dearly hurt by my actions, but that hadn't ever been my attention. At first I didn't know why she was so fuming, later I was told it was because she had feelings for me. I had no idea that she thought about me that way, it's not as if she ever hinted it or anything. Eventually, she went and found herself in the arms of another, and it was at that point that I finally realized my true feelings for her, but by then it was too… late.

I stayed with my girlfriend even after I realized my true feelings. She was with him, and I didn't feel like being alone. I knew from the start that her boyfriend wasn't good enough for her. But of course, in my view no one really was, she was my angel, who deserved the world.

Many days I would look at her, and she would just look away or stare at me with resentment in her eyes. As if I'm the one who got her into the hell, she now lived in. If she hates her life so much, then why does she stay with him, is it because I'm still with someone, and she can't bare to watch.

I wanted to yell out to her, "Be with me, not him. I'm the one for you"

Spend all your time waiting

for that second chance

for a break that would make it okay

She came back into my life for a breath moment; she had uncovered a big secret, a secret that would change her whole life. I was sure surprised that she had chosen me to help her out; it wasn't as if we had spoken in months.

I remember always praying that I would get my second chance that we would go back to the days in my garage, and here I was finally my chance. I kept telling myself not to screw it up.

As I helped her out, it felt like we were finally getting back what we lost. That our friendship was finally being repaired, and may lead to what we both have wanted for so long. However, it ended as fast as started it. As soon as we uncovered it, she went right back to her dead beat boyfriend. It was like, it was before, but it felt much worse the second time around.

there's always one reason

to feel not good enough

and it's hard at the end of the day

Some days I would sit in my bed and look at the phone, trying to ease up the courage to phone her, but no, I am too much of a chicken. To tell you truth I didn't think I would be able to find the right words to make her understand why. I hated myself for leaving her, leaving her to be with him. A guy that I could see she hated even scared of.

I find it hard to sleep, as I wonder what she's doing at this very moment. Is she thinking of me?

Longing to hold her in my arms, and never leave her again. This pain is eating me alive and making it harder and harder to go on. I needed something to help me forget, to forget her.

I need some distraction

oh beautiful release

memory seeps from my veins

My girlfriend was no help; she didn't help distract me from thinking about her, she only made it all the easier, she became real boring to me. I just stayed with her out of comfort, someone keep me from being lonely.

Therefore, I found something else to help me forget, and boy did she really help me forget: the way she kissed my lips, nibbled on my ear, or how she moved her body as we had sex. It was hours before I thought about her. It felt so nice to forget, if even for a little while.

It became a weekly thing; I went to her, and she helped me out. I did let my boys in on it though, and of course, Spin was cheering me on. He was a little jealous that I had two girls, while he only had one. If he knew my reasons behind it would he be all for it?

It wasn't too long before my girlfriend found out about the girl on the side. She dumped me right on the spot. Then so did my little sex kitten because I had lied to her, making her believe that I wanted to be with her. What was I going to do now to forget?

She soon found out about it all, I still remember the way she looked at me with so much disgust. I had never seen her look at anyone the way she looked at me that day. I wanted to disappear at that point, away from this place. I never wanted her to see me that way, see me for a cheater, a user. I wanted her to see me the way I see her when I look at her.

let me be empty

and weightless and maybe

I'll find some peace tonight

I wanted to be free of the burden that I held. I was the cause of so many heartaches, and it seem like the more I tried to forget her, the more pain I seem to cause. Why do I keep doing this to myself, letting myself suffer? Why can't I just go be a man and go after what I really want in life? Maybe then, my life would be how it's meant to be.

Sometimes I wanted to drown my pain away in drugs and booze, but then I think of my father and the way he was. And decided that I didn't want to be like him, I didn't want to become like someone I hated so much.

in the arms of an angel

fly away from here

I heard about the tragedy in her family. I couldn't believe my ears, how could this be happening to her. I knew this was the last thing she needed in her life right now, knowing the pain she already was in. No one deserves this to happen to them especially her. I just wanted to go right up to her, and shield her from any pain. I wanted to be her knight and shining armor, but I couldn't she had a brand new boyfriend for that.

All I could do was look at her from a far, I knew she was hurting inside, I could tell by the way her eyes looked, her body language. Would this new guy be able to help her when she cried at night, would he know how to make her smile when she was down? I hope he could, otherwise she was going to be totally melancholy.

from this dark cold hotel room

and the endlessness that you fear

you are pulled from the wreckage

of your silent reverie

I'm pulled back into reality, away from the days of dreaming about her. Life has been nothing but bad to me. I decided the best thing was not to be anywhere near her. Maybe then, I can go on with my life, and forget that she was ever my angel, the only one I've ever loved.

you're in the arms of the angel

may you find some comfort there

I found out that I was going to be a father, because of all my nights trying to forget her. Maybe this was suppose to be a way to help me move ahead, instead of staying still like I have been for so long. I start thinking of my new little family; and how I was going to be the kind of dad that I never had. Okay it wasn't that I really want to have a child with her (the sex kitten), but the thought of actually having something that was a part of me to love made it all seem worth it.

It wasn't too much time after that that those dreams went down the drain. My own flesh and blood was now dead because of the witch. She had killed our little innocent child just because she wasn't ready. Only thinking of herself of course. Didn't I get a say in the matter, I did take a part in the deed.

I wanted to hit something, scream at the top of my lungs, but most of all I wanted to be in her arms. I wanted her to make it all better. She was the only one that knew how to help me, to make me feel better. She had helped me out when my dad died. I spent many nights crying for my baby, to much into my own little world that I didn't see that she were starting crumpling away.

It wasn't

so tired of the straight line

and everywhere you turn

there's vultures and thieves at your back

I was losing the battle with the world, after everyone found out about the pregnancy, it seemed like I couldn't turn anywhere. It was worse than after everyone had found out that I cheated. No one would really talk to me. Only Spin would talk to me, but of course only when Paige wasn't around, since he was on a tight leash.

The pain inside of losing everything that was precious to me was starting to get to me. What was I going to lose next, my sister? I mean is it ever going to stop! Why was it that I always had to lose everything?

It's time for me to go back to her, to plead my case. I don't know if she will forgive me after all that's happened these past two years, but I have at least try. She's the only one that can make me all better again, only one who can heal me.

and the storm keeps on twisting

you keep on building the lie

that you make up for all that you lack

it don't make no difference

I come begging on my knees to her, to let me back into her life. And right away, she took me in without making me explain, or anything. She just took me into her arms. At that moment, I knew something is desperately wrong, she doesn't forget, and forgive this easily. I tried to get her to talk to me, but she just laid there in my arms, crying. I just left it at that for a while. I needed to feel what it felt to have her in my arms, and not let her go.

I can see that she is slowly wasting away, that she's crumpling to the ground. Not one of her friends seemed to notice, but I do. It seemed funny to me that her own friends, some that have known her longer then I, yet they don't see the change in her. What does that really say about them? Are they really paying attention, or do they think that she could never fall.

I confront her this morning about the pills I found in her bag last night, when she slept at my house, in my bed. She began to get angry with me, telling me that maybe it would have been better if I would have stayed out of her life. She walked away from me that day, this time her doing, not mine.

escaping one last time

it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh

this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

A week later, she phoned my house, she didn't tell me that it was she, but I could tell by her angelic voice, all she said was "Good-bye" and then hung up.

I couldn't figure out what she meant at first, but then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I started to freak out, almost having a panic attack, telling me that this couldn't be happening. I just ran down the stairs out the front door of his house, leaving my dad there to wonder where I was heading in the middle of the night.

I had to save her from doing something stupid, something insane. I wished that I hadn't brought up the pills that day, maybe then she would be in my arms, in my bed. No, I couldn't think like that, she is going to be all right, she had to be.

I called 911 as I ran there so that they could be there as soon as possible. I was barely able to tell them any details because I couldn't get out the words, words that I didn't want to believe. I was breathing hard and heavy, as I ran towards her house, feeling like my life was being sucked out of me.

in the arms of an angel

fly away from here

I arrived at her house, climbing through her bedroom window to find her lying on the cold damp cement floor, clenching onto her stomach. Her eyes were slightly open; I could hear her whimper out in pain. "Why…are you here?" she asked me.

Sitting right down be side her, hovering over her, "Why wouldn't I, you called me. I couldn't just let you do this to yourself."

I tried to move her on her side to help her throw up whatever she had taken, but she pushed me away.

"Don't," pleading with her eyes.

"Why not," I shrieked. Mad that she was giving up.

"The pain's…too much," she slowly spoke, having a hard time keeping her eyes open. She was slowly fading away.

I cried my tears dropped upon her face. She was only one who's ever seen me like this; she was beginning to cry too. Life didn't seem to be fair, why was it doing this to me? Why was it taking her from me?

from this dark cold hotel room

and the endlessness that you fear

you are pulled from the wreckage

of your silent reverie

I heard the ambulance in the background, and I was relieved, but in the back of my mind, I knew it was too late. I looked down at her, and decided that it's time I told her what I should have said the moment I realized it, "I love you."

And for a brief moment she rested her hand on my cheek, "I…love you too."

you're in the arms of the angel

may you find some comfort there

I pulled her into my arms as I did only weeks before and just began to cry. She just glazed into my eyes, saying, "Don't cry…I will always…be with you…" Just like that, she was gone from my life again, but this time nothing would bring her back to me.

But if Emma Nelson had to leave this world, at least it was in the right place, right with me, Craig Manning, in my arms.

I grasp that it all started the day I left her alone, with no one to turn to. If I would have been there for her when she really needed me, if I hadn't abandoned her, then maybe, just maybe, I could have helped her through all this pain that she held close to her heart. Maybe then, she wouldn't have chosen to take her life.

Others are going to be without her because of my choices. They will never see her beautiful smile, hear her angelic voice, or just be in her wonderful presence. I can't say my choice would have help, but I can't help but wonder if it would have. I'm just going to have to live with this for the rest of my life, even if the pain of this is eating me alive inside.

Angel by Sarah McLaughlin