I don't know how long I have been here; the days all mesh together I have no concept of time any more. I could have been here for a week or months and I wouldn't know the difference. I slowly grow weaker, hunger, dehydration and pain and course through my body and when they finally give me food it is drugged and I pass out for days. The water is drugged too. I try not to touch it but I need it – I will not die here in this place. They are trying to control me. I will not let them win.
I lay on the cold, damp floor most of the time now, the rugged floor is taking its toll on my skin. I have calluses, sores and grazes all over my body now. I am still naked – they refuse to give me my close till I comply with them. I will not do that. I was stripped of my dignity the moment my father slapped me across the face and all I have left now is my will power. I will not let them win.
I can barely speak these days; for a while my anger at them took over and I screamed at them all kinds of things that I have always wanted to tell them. In a way it felt so good to say it all but my throat is raw and dry. Each time I speak I am responded with the robotic voice – the same thing is said each time. "I have sinned against my own kind and let my soul become corrupted. I am ready to have the darkness purged." I block it out – it becomes easy after a while and everything goes quiet. That is usually when they bring the lights out – not always but they bring it out and it burns my eyes. I try to keep my eyes closed at all times now, but the natural instinct to keep them open, even though I can't see a thing is still there and I am quite often caught off guard. I think they stand there laughing as I cringe away from the light and cry out. I will laugh at them back when I get out of here – I will not let them win.
They come into the room, the first few times I tried to fight them to get out, I now just sit and glare at them. They drug me and hook me up to many IV's, sending bags of liquids through my body. They know I have been avoiding the water and they are taking it into their own hands to make sure I don't due from dehydration or malnourishment. They only ever give me enough in the drips to keep me alive, never enough to return my strength fully. They are trying to send something else through the IV, I can feel it at it goes into my system, it is af if they have worked a compulsion or something into it all – I can feel the magic that is intertwined with my own blood battling it and it will always win. I will not let them win.
I am starting to crave my magic – I know it could save me right now or even just comfort me. As I lay there shivering, I wanted nothing more than to hold a fire ball in my hand and to feel its warmth. I never thought I would ever crave the use of magic but when I am in a situation that i have to keep it entirely a secret and I can't even hide somewhere to use it – I began to understand Adrian and Jill a lot more. They both have mentioned in the past about a pure desire to reach out to the magic and when they couldn't use it, they didn't feel complete. Part of my mind went to Hopper; he would be stuck in stone form and I pray to god that Eddie didn't lose him and then thinking of Eddie hit me with guilt. But I had to do it; I needed to save my friend. I will not let the Alchemists take them away from me. I will not let them win.
My necklace still sits encased on the wall. When the lights come on and my eyes adjust I look at it for as long as possible now. I will not cave into them just to get them back but they don't realise that just having it there keeps me stronger. It reminds me of who I have to get out of here for. They think that me staring at it is me wanting to cave in and give them what they want – but it is far from the truth but I will never let them know that and when I get out of here, one way or another. I will be taking that necklace with me. I will not let them win.
That man that is supposed to be my father will start speaking occasionally. An anger boils inside of my when he speaks and I have to tune him out before the anger gets too much, I don't have the strength to do too much these days and my throat is too sore. I tune out completely and sink deep into my memories. I despise that man now – that man is no father. No father would ever do this to his daughter. He is dead to me now. I get angry about Zoe too, how could she do this to me? But she was brainwashed. For so long she was brainwashed into dad's little game and she only thought she was doing the right thing. She still did it though; it is her fault that I am in here. When I get out, I will find a way to save her. No matter what she is still my sister and she can't be left with that monster. I will not let them win.
When I tune out and sink into my memories I think of my family and everyone back in Palm Springs. Where they even there anymore? Was Jill safe? Was Adrian coping? Had anyone told my mother about what happened to me? I shove those thoughts aside, I can't think about those things. I have to keep strong. I remember growing up and watching mom fix the cars, leaning everything I could about them much to his despise. I remember sitting there listening to Carly rave about how much she is loving college and being green with envy over it all. I remember the dinner's at Clarence's, the jokes and laughs that we had there as a family. I remember the wild adventures trying to track down Marcus and lastly I remember Adrian. I remember his arms around me, those lips on mine and everywhere else, his scent, his sounds, his everything. I lay there remembering what his heartbeat sounded like. I will hear, feel and smell all those things again, I will come back to you Adrian, I promise you this. I will not let them win.
More and more time passes and I fight to keep the memories with me, they are what is keeping me strong. They keep pumping me with more drugs, and I can't even move now to try to fight them off. I feel week and my mind is slowly growing weaker too. They are keeping me alive with all these IV's and I just want to rip them out sometimes – but I won't give up. I will not let them kill me. I haven't spoken in so long now. I can't even remember when the last time I spoke was. I wanted to scream at them so make times but I have no voice. They drug me again and leave me in a stupefied state and a new person comes in, this person is not human this is a Moroi. I feel fuzz around me and I hear their voice, but I don't know what is going on. I still feel my magic inside of me and it is fighting against it. I close my eyes and try to shut the person out. They are trying to compel me to listen to the alchemist and a bit of anger inside me tries to ignite but it is soon extinguished. I can't listen, I won't listen. I will not let them win!
My memories are fading and I struggle to keep a hold of them now. Is like trying to keep water in a colander, it just pours away just as fast as I grasp at it. I barely know right from left at this point I am dazed and confused for most of my time. I try to battle against it but it is slowly becoming a losing battle. I can't even really feel the pain any more. I lay there staring at the roof, the lights flick on and all I can do is close my eyes against it as a small tear runs down my cheek. They come in and check on me all the time, they check my vitals and act as if they care. They won't let me die, they are not murderers, but they are monsters. I will not let them win.
Any thoughts I had before are now gone, I can't remember any of it, I try and try but they are all gone. They slipped away from me and I can't get them back. I try to think of why I am here and I can't remember. I don't know what is going on or who is doing this to me. They scare me and I try to scream out when they come into the room but nothing comes out. Then they leave and the lights go back out the voice comes back. They speak to me over and over and all I can hear is that voice. My lips start moving but no words come out, I keep trying over and over and slowly my voice comes back. It is painful and my voice is raspy. I say the only thing I can think of, the only thing that will stick in my mind.
"I have sinned against my own kind and let my soul become corrupted. I am ready to have the darkness purged."