Yullen Week 2k15 Alternate theme One: כואב לי הלב | Koev halev. Kanda Yuu is cursed to lose everyone who understands him by his own blade. Allen understands him better than anyone, and the way that he takes in his pain and empathizes with it is proof that his end is soon approaching. Companion to Trust.
Today's theme: כואב לי הלב | Koev halev—Identifying with the suffering of another so closely that one harms oneself; literally: "The heart aches"; Hebrew. I was really happy this one made it because I'm Jewish—Hebrew is part of the 6000+ year old history of my culture, and I feel honored to have this particular phrase be part of Yullentide this year. This is beta-d by my favorite Finder, the most lovely butterfly.
Hoshino owns the characters, not me.
Warnings: Kanda being a cynical and nihilistic bastard, mentions of canon-typical death and violence, etc.
On some days (most days really) Kanda Yuu thinks that people, the so-called God, and the entire damned universe enjoy fucking him over. He lived two lives a soldier, one as a cowardly failure and one as a jaded experiment turned war machine, and in an extreme form of irony the person he chased after so long was nearly taken from him—twice—by his own hands. Now that he found that person and fulfilled the goal that spanned two lives, he has only one purpose left: finding redemption in whatever way Allen Walker will allow.
He's almost human, he's a dead man walking, and the foundations of the world are cracking and crumbling to dust around him. Still he continues onwards, willingly throwing himself headfirst into hell and chasing after soon-to-be ghosts. Kanda is resolutely a man of his word, and will firmly keep his promises; he doesn't care about any agony and loss he may suffer in the course of their fulfillment. This final duty is one he will carry out, whether it takes becoming a General or any other form of serving the damned Black Order once more. Allen Walker deserves that and so much more in repayment for his gift of freedom that he gave by sacrificing his own, even after he attacked him, hurt him, and nearly killed him when he unleashed the Noah hiding beneath that too-pale skin.
Kanda has never been the most empathetic person, but for the first time in years there is someone who understands almost everything about him. It's terrifying and somewhat comforting, yet he is filled with bitterness when he recalls that he is doomed to lose another person that he reluctantly admits has become...significant to him. Allen knows him so intimately, has seen his suffering and understands in a way so deep and poignant that it hurts his heart, and Kanda doesn't know how to feel.
By all rights nobody else should have known about all of those things: the truth of what happened and why they had been hidden in the depths of his memories and his heart for years. Marie understood a little of what had happened and Bak understood even more, but they weren't there for everything. Allen was there, all because of that invasive fucking Noah brat that broke open his head as casually as a child would smash an egg and played with his memories.
Knowing that Allen's bleeding heart aches with the depth of knowledge and emotions that had always belonged to him and Alma alone...it's strange. He spoke about the time from before his apprenticeship to Tiedoll with no one for many years even when prompted, and he preferred it that way. But here Allen doesn't even need to say how much he understands or do anything but look at him for Kanda to know just how much of him was laid bare in those moments they were caught in the grip of Wisely's ability.
Meanwhile, Allen waits and watches, still somewhat angry that he came back—which was stupid, because Kanda can make his own damn choices. It didn't take long for them to be back to bickering as they used to before the disaster three months ago even though Kanda has (yes, he can admit it to himself) gentled and calmed in demeanor. The youth is still drawn to him and vice versa, as they were even before the American Branch events, and while Johnny is the physical tether with the cuffs they wear there is a thin thread of connection stronger than steel binding them together. Some sick part of Allen seems resigned and almost captivated by the idea of his coming death, as despite the inherent resilience and stubbornness that the younger male is famous for, he is worn from months upon months of fighting to stay alive, sane, and free.
Kanda can tell that the Moyashi doesn't want to die, he is human and has some self-preservation tendencies. But when he locks gazes with the boy—his comrade—he sees something there, a sense of assurance and maybe even acceptance. Allen is prepared to die at his hands and he will accept it like the martyr he seems destined to be if the time comes that he loses control completely. He can't disregard that oath. He won't break that trust when it is the only real way he can repay Allen Walker for what he owes to him in blood, body, and soul.
That's all for today. I hope you enjoyed it! Read and review please, I'd love to hear any feedback you may have.