An Olympics Fanfiction—"How Putin Somehow Managed to Hold the Gayest Olympics in Ever"
A sidenote: no... well. Little disrepect. I am well aware that this AU and sadly is not what happened. It is also not true. And so forth.
Section 1: In which Putin clapped
How the weirdest Olympics in ever began
We start off with a big-ass ceremony.
The Overlord Putin sat on his throne sculpted of living Ukrainians high above, clapping like a lady the way his mommy taught him, and watched his debacle unfold, made possible with money enough to support several hundred dying nations.
With a cutesily edited version of historical events (how nice would it be if history was a bunch of people in costume dancing about in a choreographed nature) the opening ceremony commenced. Putin continued to clap.
As the snowflake Olympic ring thingies were all opened with the exception of one, an engineer's family was executed messily.
The nations came out, some in horrible color schemes, the rest in horrible color schemes, and paraded about. The human marshmallows that Putin had dragged out of Siberian camps on the charge that they dance and don't stop dancing were dancing for the entirety of the parade. The ones that stopped dancing about were executed. While the peasantry of the US was astounded as to why the countries were coming out in what appeared to non-alphabetical order, they were even more confused when they heard the explanation. Azerbaijan. Some stuff the narrator has no need to mention. A happy man waved around a flag all by himself. Great Britain (the peasants became confused. Cyrillic? they asked in puzzlement). Germany. Many people went blind because of those Germans and their rainbowness (the first sign of what will go down in history as Gayest Olympics Ever). Men in little shorts walked out. Lots of people went blind from this, too. Still, Putin clapped.
Then. The Ukraine. Putin clapped less.
The 230 US peoples appeared, decked out in some hecka groovy Christmas sweaters. Putin did some math, and then hurriedly selected three random people from the crowd, gave them appropriate garb, and shoved them into the Russian delegation so that the Russians would have 232 people. Take that, you darned Americans.
Putin clapped.