Prologue
The rain came down gently at first, steadily getting louder and faster. Looking out of the glass window of the hotel, I noticed that everything was blurry.
I smiled. My whole life was kind of blurry. In a way, I was surprised that I was still alive after living with my uncle and family. Some family that was! Until Shishio-sama rescued me, it was all I had ever known.
Then Shishio-sama slowly fed all of his ideas into me. I think I was so grateful towards him, he became my hero and idol, and so I never once questioned those beliefs. I just figured that they were right because everywhere I went, the powerful came out on top, while the others lived the low life or died.
When I think of all the lives I took, I only feel a tinge of guilt and regret. It's as if my whole time spent following Shishio-sama was a dream. I can not fully understand that the people are gone... That I was the one who killed them... And that the ones I murdered have loved ones who miss them every day...
However, I have improved upon regaining my emotions. I don't smile when I talk about my victims.
It was so much easier with Shishio-sama... All I had to do was follow orders, and since long ago I suppressed my emotions, it didn't matter that I had blood on my hands at the end of the day. All that I cared about was Shishio-sama being able to take control of Japan. I felt like I had finally belonged with Yumi-san and Kamatari-chan around.
Again, my life changed so much by meeting another person, Himura-san. Kenshin Himura. That is a name I will never forget, and I have so much to be thankful for him. Instead of following him around (like I did with Shishio-sama), I followed his advice instead. So now I am looking for all the answers myself, and it's harder than I could ever have imagined. I have been so many places and found little bits of information, but when will I have enough? I feel as if I will be wandering around for the rest of my life. I am pretty sure I know what I need... I need someone to love me, who I would want to be with for the rest of my life... So far there is no one that even comes close to me wanting to be with like that.
The rain was still pouring down, and I was glad. It felt like a gentle relief, all the tears I could not shed myself. Lately I have found myself with a straight face, and sometimes a smile, hardly ever a frown, and I have not cried. I just take solace in the drumming of the raindrops on the roof.
In a way, rain was always a relief to me... It reminded me of the day when it rained... I always thought about how I left home and what I had to do to leave...
The rain came down gently at first, steadily getting louder and faster. Looking out of the glass window of the hotel, I noticed that everything was blurry.
I smiled. My whole life was kind of blurry. In a way, I was surprised that I was still alive after living with my uncle and family. Some family that was! Until Shishio-sama rescued me, it was all I had ever known.
Then Shishio-sama slowly fed all of his ideas into me. I think I was so grateful towards him, he became my hero and idol, and so I never once questioned those beliefs. I just figured that they were right because everywhere I went, the powerful came out on top, while the others lived the low life or died.
When I think of all the lives I took, I only feel a tinge of guilt and regret. It's as if my whole time spent following Shishio-sama was a dream. I can not fully understand that the people are gone... That I was the one who killed them... And that the ones I murdered have loved ones who miss them every day...
However, I have improved upon regaining my emotions. I don't smile when I talk about my victims.
It was so much easier with Shishio-sama... All I had to do was follow orders, and since long ago I suppressed my emotions, it didn't matter that I had blood on my hands at the end of the day. All that I cared about was Shishio-sama being able to take control of Japan. I felt like I had finally belonged with Yumi-san and Kamatari-chan around.
Again, my life changed so much by meeting another person, Himura-san. Kenshin Himura. That is a name I will never forget, and I have so much to be thankful for him. Instead of following him around (like I did with Shishio-sama), I followed his advice instead. So now I am looking for all the answers myself, and it's harder than I could ever have imagined. I have been so many places and found little bits of information, but when will I have enough? I feel as if I will be wandering around for the rest of my life. I am pretty sure I know what I need... I need someone to love me, who I would want to be with for the rest of my life... So far there is no one that even comes close to me wanting to be with like that.
The rain was still pouring down, and I was glad. It felt like a gentle relief, all the tears I could not shed myself. Lately I have found myself with a straight face, and sometimes a smile, hardly ever a frown, and I have not cried. I just take solace in the drumming of the raindrops on the roof.
In a way, rain was always a relief to me... It reminded me of the day when it rained... I always thought about how I left home and what I had to do to leave...