Love of a Dead Orchestra
It was only a few weeks ago. You lay there, in my grasp. You lay wrapped up in my arms as I whispered to you how beautiful you are. You looked at me with your sweet, innocent eyes. I never want to let you go. Please don't leave my arms.
"Teru...?" You whisper. Your beautiful eyes filled with worry.
"Yes, my love?" I whisper back. My grip tightening my grip around your waist. Your expression worried me.
"Do you love me?" You ask nervously. I can't believe you asked me that. My heart swelled with love. I tilt my head to kiss you.
"Of course I love you Jasmine...." I reply softly. Your body relaxes in relief and you snuggle closer to me, nuzzling my chest. You are mine. "Jasmine, I love you and I will never let you go, I promise." I say, reassuring you of what you already know.
"I love you too, Teru. I was just afraid that all of...this... was nothing. I don't ever want you to leave." I can't see your face but I know you're crying. I can feel the wetness on my chest. You were afraid this was only sex. But I love you so much. I would never use you.
We fall asleep together. Neither wanting to let go. Neither wanting the other to go.
***
A few days after you had slept in. A lot more than usual. I begin to worry and I check to make sure you're still breathing. You are. I gently wake you up, worried at the unusually warm feel of your skin. You slowly wake up. You look sickly pale. You said you didn't feel well. I worry so much, but you tell me you'll be fine. And I trust you.
***
It's been a week and your still sick. My love, how I worry. Your family is taking care of you now. You went on activity pause in the band. I want to see you but you're family won't let me. They said you're too sick. I want to hold you but you're not near enough. I call you every day to hear the sweet sound of your voice. I can't stand you being gone. Do you know how hard it is to fall asleep without you in my arms? I miss you, my lovely Jasmine.
***
It's been a long time since I last held you. They said you're getting worse. You may not survive. A strange disease is destroying your body. You're too weak to walk. You can hardly even talk to me on the phone anymore. I want you back so much. You promise me you'll get better. I can't even decide if I trust that.
***
I wake up. An empty feeling in my stomach. The phone is ringing, but I'm too afraid to pick it up. I finally gather up the courage to grab the phone. I hoped it would be you, but it wasn't.
"Hello?" I say, my voice barely above a whisper.
"Teru?" It's your sister. Her voice is shaky. I begin crying, immediately knowing what happened.
"He's dead?" I cried. The agony in my voice slurring my words.
"Yes." She whispered back. I slam the phone down. I can't stand this kid of agony. I had never loved anyone the way I loved you. I don't know if I can go on without you. I didn't even get to say goodbye.
Anger rushes throughout my body as I think of how your family refused o let me see you. Now you're gone. The emptiness I feel is unbearable. Without you I will never be the same.
***
I can see you now. You lay there peacefully. Tears pour down my cheeks as I look at your now lifeless body. To know that that body used to love me. You were mine, Jasmine. I loved you. You promised you wouldn't leave me. No one else is crying. It's as though they don't even care.
I can feel darkness taking hold of me. I wonder if this is how you felt. I know you would have given your life for me to live, even without you, so I'll go on for as long as I can.
There is no sympathy here. No love. All our memories are reduced to ashes. Your ashes. There is no one to comfort me here. You were the only one.
***
It's been months. Today is March 8th. You're birthday. I make your favorite cake and color it black. I don't even want to eat it. I made it for you. Even though you will never turn any older, I still want your birthday to be remembered. I want you to be remembered. But everyone has forgotten. Even the fans' memories have started to fade. It doesn't matter to me. You were the only thing that mattered. I won't forget that.
I try to move on without forgetting you. I don't think I'll ever move on. I know I'll never love another. You were the only one.
Your spirit has yet to rest. I can feel you with me. That doesn't make me feel any better though. I can never speak to you again. I can never hold you again. I can never prove how much I love you.
Music was what had always kept me together. But what is music without you, Jasmine You?