Uzume: Well This idea came to me when Porky's II came on TV… and just for the fuck of it I looked up my favorite scene from Porky's. If y'all can't guess what scene from the title of this fic…keep reading and you will find out.
Disclaimer: I do not own Porky's or Gundam Wing. The spoken lines in this story are the actual lines from the script. I made slight changes to fit the GW world. I DO NOT OWN THEM!
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Quatre stared at Relena horror stricken while Duo snickered in the chair next to the desk. Wufie was leaning on his shoulder against the wall next to Duo and Trowa and Hiiro next to him. Relena was sitting in a chair in front of Quatre's desk with her hands folded. She had come to them after one of their classes asking them to stay. She had tried to appeal to Quatre because he was the most likely to agree with her. The most sensible and mature one of the group. As the years since the war had passed she had learned that even behind their masks, Trowa, Hiiro, and Wufie were just as bad as Duo when it came to jokes and maturity sometimes. Especially Wufie, who took delight in retaliating to his best friend's pranks; Hiiro came in a close second to Wufie, because like the Chinese boy, he and Duo were best friends.
"Now, Mr. Winner, I know this is completely unorthodox, but I think this is the only way to find that boy. Now, that penis had a mole on it." Duo slightly groaned in the background biting his hand. "I'd recognize that penis anywhere." Duo managed to make his louder snicker look more like a cough, and Wufie's shoulders started shaking suspiciously. He refused to succumb as quickly as Duo had.
"In spite of the juvenile snickers of some," her eyes briefly flicked over to Duo who couldn't help but to snicker again, "this is a serious matter. That... that seducer and despoiler must be stopped. He's extremely dangerous." Finally, Wufie couldn't hold it in anymore and a snicker fell passed his lips. Hiiro's lips twitched slightly and Trowa had his mouth covered trying to make himself look interested. They would hold on as long as they could. Wufie had already been lost. They would prevail!
"And, Mr. Winner, I'm certain that everyone in this room knows who that is. He's a contemptible little pervert who's..." Quatre interrupted here.
"Miss Relena." He admonished her. Despite what Relena might think of Duo, he knew said braided boy would never do what the pacifist girl said he had done. As it was Duo had problems with choosing between Hiiro and Wufie before just settling on both of them.
"Well, I'm sorry. But I've got him now, and I'm not going to let him slip through my fingers again." Wufie covered his hand with his mouth and jerked back into Trowa who jumped slightly. Duo and Wufie struggled harder to control their laughter as she spoke on.
"All I'm asking is that you give me five boys for a few minutes. The coaches can be present. Tommy Turner," Duo jerked here and gasped, "And any four boys you see fit to choose. And we... and we can put a stop to this menace, and it is a menace." Quatre still looked shell shocked, however now only Hiiro was able to keep his composure as the Wufie was leaning on Trowa and the acrobat was holding both of them up, and Duo was biting his hand.
"Well?" she paused and looked at Quatre expectantly. "What are you gunna do about it?" Quatre let out a small noise that could be considered a response to when thinking of an answer. Finally Hiiro snorted sending Duo into a spasm, jerking forward in his chair and Wufie turned towards the wall laughing. Trowa's head hit Wufie's shoulder blades as he smiled.
"Five young boys in the nude?" Now they were all laughing softly and Hiiro was biting his lip now, but Quatre continued as Relena nodded. "A police line-up so that you can identify his tally whacker." This sent Duo and Wufie into another spasm of laughs. Trowa and Hiiro just smirked.
"Please, please, can we call it a tally whacker? 'Penis' is so person... per..." Duo stomped his foot and swung his head from side to side. Quatre placed his hand over his face before he continued. The poor Arabian was beat red. 'Penis' is so personal."
Relena reached forward and touched his hand. "Well, we can put hoods over their heads to avoid embarrassment."
"Hoods?" His eyes widened and he slightly nodded to her as one would nod to an insane person trying not to smile.
"Now, listen. We have got to do it, as distasteful as it is." Quatre looked back at her from trying not to smile and she continued. "I know it's him. That tally whacker had a mole on it," This time everyone snorted and Duo once again jerked forward in his chair. "And that mole is the key to it." Wufie planted his face on the wall and Duo slapped his back lightly before slipping down in his chair almost falling out.
"Miss Relena, do you realize the difficulty of your request?"Quatre tried to reason with her.
"Now, I would be very happy to..." here he paused slightly weighing his words. "to apprehend the young man myself, but imagine what the community would say if you were granted a line-up in order to examine their private pa... pa... pa..." he stuttered over the words and blushed a deeper crimson. "Their... their... their...their private part for an incriminating mole." Everyone but Quatre was snickering now.
"But, Mr. Winner...: she tried to reason.
"Quatre?" Duo raised his hand finally able to speak, but the laughter could still be heard in his voice. He was leaned against a corner of the chair closest to Wufie almost in a thinking manner "I think I have a way out of this." His voice started to shake. "We uh call the police, and we have 'em send over one of their sketch artists." Wufie almost lost it then and Duo slipped down in his chair laughing out right now. Trowa bit his lip and Hiiro clenched his fists as his shoulders shook only slightly. Quatre looked up towards the ceiling as if to say 'Why me Allah? Why me?'
"And Miss Relena can give a description." Wufie leaned off the wall and fell back into Trowa as Duo slipped down even farther. Qautra's horror stricken face split into a grin quickly before fading just as quickly. "We can put up "Wanted" posters all over school." He sat up a little straighter only to slip back down. Wufie was lightly bouncing off the wall laughing and Trowa was biting his hand. Hiiro had yet to let a true laugh pass his lips, but those who knew him well enough knew that only a few more words from Duo would have him joining in. Quatre's mask slipped a few times as Duo slammed himself in to the chair's arm. "Have you seen this prick?" Once again Duo, Wufie and Trowa failed to cover their laughter. "Report immediately to Relena Peacecraft". Duo had finally fallen out of his chair and was gasping for air on the floor. Trowa was once again supporting Wufie while biting his hand.
Duo raised his hand."Do not attempt to apprehend this prick as it is armed and dangerous". Wufie looked at him as if he in pain, his face scrunched and red but his mouth was twisted up.
Duo's hand rose again this time closer to the edge of the desk and Quatre's books. "It was last seen hanging out in the girls' locker room at Angel Academy." He knocked the book off and they all finally lost it, and Relena stormed out of the class room. Some of them might be well mannered, some might be quiet, other might have a sense of Honor as big as their homeland, but they were still teenage boys, and they really wanted Relena to stop bugging them.
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Uzume: I had fun writing this. I really did. I watched the clip for the scene on YouTube as I wrote it so I could get as close as possible to their reactions. I have a feeling I will be receiving hate mail for this. I really don't care. As for if Duo actually did it. Nah I don't think he did. I had thought of actually putting him saying his "prick" didn't have a mole on it… but decided against it.