"Happy birthday, Bella. As celebration of your 28th birthday, I have bought you an Xbox 360 and Viva Pinata: Trouble in Paradise. A girl only celebrates her 23rd once, you know."
"Edward thanks!!" Bella screamed, hooking up the game console (it was only an arcade, because the Cullens were hit by the recession) and putting the game in. "I am ever so goddamned excited!"
As soon as the title screen came up, Bella was sucked into the TV. She screamed as all of her atoms were rearranged. She briefly contemplated joining the church of atom, but was distracted as she began to materialize. She had to snatch up a few of her particles that kept trying to fly up her box.
"I'm in Viva Pinata!" Bella screamed, as a Sparrowmint began to peck at her eyes. "Ouch nigga!"
Suddenly Leafos appeared in the shadows. She ran toward Bella snarling and snapping her teeth. Bella whirled around and started to scream, preparing to run, but she twisted her ankle and fell over. "My stupid klutziness!" she cried in pain. "If only Stephenie Meyer didn't give me this strange quirk in the hopes of making me appealingly ditzy! If only! Then, maybe I could escape Leafos' wrath!"
Bella began playing Street Fighter IV but started vomiting uncontrollably so she stopped.
Leafos took a chunk out of Bella's leg then ran into the Pinarctic like a mad dog, Bellaflesh hanging from her canines.
"That was weird!" Bella said, rising shakily to her feet. A Whirlm crawled up her leg and inside her cooter. She removed him forcibly. "Stop it! Does that count as losing my virginity? It was for Edward. I hate this place. This is the worst present ever."
Bella sadly glanced at her feet, wondering if her virginity was finally lost to a rogue video game worm pinata. Suddenly, she was shaken from her reverie as Edward called her over. Bella looked up to see the Cullens waving at her, crowded around a picnic basket.
"Hi Bella!" Edward said. "I noticed you left your house earlier so I figured you didn't want to chill anymore and I went riding on the beach in my Jeep and drinking Miller Lites. I was also twittering to celebrities on my phone. Funny seeing you here!"
"Edward!" Bella cried, running toward him (albeit rather slowly because blood was gushing from the Leafos-shaped bite mark in her thigh.) "What are you doing here?"
"Nmu?" Edward asked. "Lol, jk. Nevermind. Carlisle owns a vacation house here." He pointed toward a Disco Doe's mating house. "We like it because it's peaceful and quiet. It's enjoyable to see the pinata in their natural habitat."
Bella was suddenly slapped in the face by Axel, and he said "got it memorized?"
"That was weird," Bella said, staring at the sky. "Do I have what memorized? Oh, nevermind. Edward, it's still my 18th birthday!"
"That's right Bells! I could have never forgotten it's still your 12th birthday. Let's dance."
Bella and Edward headed for the center of the garden and began to boogie.
When they were all boogied out, they cuddled in the grass. The Cullens had left, because Jasper was allergic to Bella's toxic gash. It was irritating his eyes. They were sore and red. Edward smiled and turned to Bella.
"I have another present for your 8th birthday," he said. "Would you like to see it now?"
"Ever so muchly," Bella replied smoothly.
"Ok. Accio Dragonache!" Edward cried, swishing and flicking his 5 inch oak and dragon heartstring wand. I just farted. A Dragonache flew over to him. It had glasses. Bella liked it a lot.
"Thanks Edward! I've always wanted a Dragonache!"
"Anything for you, my Chewnicorn princess," Edward replied. He kissed Bella and stealthily slipped in a little tongue. When she began to protest he held her in place and ravaged her mouth.
Suddenly, Jasper emerged from the VP forest and threw Edward into the Dessert Desert. Edward was trapped because his greasy hair caught on a cactus. Bella was cornered!
"I may be allergic to your cavernous snatch, you bitch, but that won't stop me from raping it. Ha ha! Ha ha ha!" his laughter was ominous.
"No, please, don't," Bella replied, but it was half-assed.
"Okay fine slut."
Jasper pulled his pants down and revealed his 5 incher. He spread Bella's beef and thrust inside. Bella's vagina burned because Jasper's penis was coated in vampiric acid that shredded the insides of normal humans. She cried and moaned, because it felt like a chainsaw was ripping the delicate flesh of her vagina. When Jasper sloppily removed himself to prepare for a Mega Thrust, Bella noticed her removed cervix impaled on his cock. He was fucking her with her own cervix.
"This will not deter me from getting an IUD," Bella thought to herself. She smiled and nodded.
Jasper moaned and began to shake as he ejaculated inside Bella's tattered Oscar Meyer circlemeats. His sperm had the consistency of congealed Metamucil, and Bella could not surpress a shudder as she imagined the orangey delight filling her twat. It floated up to her womb and chilled there for a bit before heading off to Sunset Tan.
A Taffly entered the scene, aflame and circling the two postcoital lovers. A ring of fire encircled them, and Bella screamed at first but then delighted as the Taffly turned into a Redhott worth over 1,000 chocolate coins. "Now I can help with Charlie's debt," she exclaimed excitedly. "He maxed three credit cards on Bang Bros."
Edward extinguished the flame with his nipplejuice and carried Bella away bridal style.
"How was your sweet 16, Bella?"
"It was good, thanks." Bella smiled. She was with Edward and safe once more.
The End
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