wow. last night's episode was...wow. the stress was really real because the stakes were higher than usual and I just...wow. I just needed some Quintis today. I felt like I owed it to myself to write this, and I owed it to them, honestly. I hope they get their baby.
also it's episode 18 and we still haven't had confirmation on season five yet. I was optimistic, but I'm now freaking out a little bit.
Happy blew a breath out of her cheeks as she strode through the waiting room doors. She wasn't exactly sure how to process it all. But there was only one person she knew she wanted help figuring it out from.
She was kind of terrified. And kind of terrifyingly excited. Everything she'd ever wanted, everything she never thought she'd have, was coming together. All the parts were variables in the formula with an answer she'd been searching for her whole life. Her brain struggled to process it. Being a mother wasn't just an idea anymore. It was real. Really real. She could be pregnant within the next twenty four hours. The path to motherhood was there for her to walk. But even after Paige's attempts at reassurance today, she still didn't feel ready. Okay, she held a baby. But what did that really accomplish? It didn't mean anything. It didn't prove she had any mothering instincts in her.
Maybe it's because they weren't there.
Happy exhaled again, heavier this time. Toby's sleeping figure hooked her gaze across the waiting room. She walked to him and took the seat on his right. The wood made her back stiffen. Now that his arms weren't around her, she noticed how uncomfortable it actually was.
Toby's chin was pressed against his chest, face tilting downwards. His hat covered half of his eyelids. With his arms crossed and hands halfway buried under them, she could see his wedding band poking out.
He seemed to sense that she was there because he instantly started to stir. Happy waited, partially hoping he would go back to sleep, for his own sake, but partially hoping he would stay awake for hers.
After a few seconds of Toby waking himself up, it became apparent that he was up for good.
"Hey," she greeted softly.
Sluggishly, he checked his surroundings. "Baby," he mumbled, and she wasn't sure if he was talking to her or her stomach. He blinked slowly, then quickly a couple of times. The chair creaked as he pulled his body up. "Baby...pregnant…" he looked up at her, eyes wide, "Hap? Are you-"
"Slow your roll, doc," she answered. "You weren't out that long."
Toby knitted his brows, raising his shoulders to be slightly higher than hers. "Oh. Twenty four hours, right?"
"Until we know if your swimmers liked my pool?" Happy swallowed. "Right."
He literally and figuratively found his footing, shaking the grogginess off. She watched him and waited for the comforting hold she really needed. He could clearly tell she needed it, she needed him. And she could tell he needed her, too. From the way he was looking at her and the way he immediately tried make himself close.
The doctor already told them that they had to stick around for a little while after the procedure, for reasons Happy was too distracted to remember, so there was no point of going anywhere except to each other.
Toby pulled her in, her head falling naturally onto his chest. She had never been big on music, but she sure as hell would never get tired of the sound of the rhythm of his heartbeat.
His fingers delicately entangled with her hair and his fingertips ran comforting patterns along her scalp. He knew she liked it, without ever having to ask.
"How are you feeling?" he murmured. His voice drifted a little longer than it should've, tried and tired.
"Not knocked up yet."
He laughed into her hair. But she could hear something more behind it, something deeper and darker.
That stung, striking her chest.
It wasn't his fault. None of it was his fault. Happy wanted to say that. Happy wanted to take his guilt away. But it was, unfortunately, a part of him. When he didn't have gambling to drown himself in, he had to tackle reality, always blinded by that damn self-loathing. It was a learned skill that didn't have a single intention of going away anytime soon. Probably not ever.
She wished she hadn't pushed this baby thing so fast, because then he wouldn't have felt the impact they weren't prepared for as hard as he did. It was like strapping him in the passenger seat of a car, not telling him they were inevitably going to crash and instead claiming he would be rewarded at the end of the ride, but then smashing into a compact wall at full speed. He didn't need to carry that weight. He didn't deserve to, either.
"I was...overwhelmed today," Happy said, "about all this baby stuff. More often than not, I took it out on you. That wasn't fair."
He kissed her temple. "Today was high stress. I don't blame you for pushing that on me." She felt his chest rumble under her head, full of much more than just air. Mostly guilt. "It's my fault that we were in this tobacle anyway."
"Oh, don't get started with that crap," she countered. "I'm sorry if I made it seem like I believed that today. I don't, okay? I can't believe in something that's totally inaccurate."
Toby sighed, calmer than her. "I'm sorry for even bringing it up. I don't wanna argue with you."
"Now that you made the mistake of saying it, I'm not letting it go." Happy tapped his hand with her ring finger. "Don't keep me on the outside."
He fell silent, though continued moving his fingers about her hair. She leaned closer. When he didn't immediately respond, she internally ran over what she said. She wondered if it was too hypocritical, since she did have a bad habit of not letting him in herself.
"I feel guilty, Happy. I do. I can't help it." A sharper exhale. "Inside my head, it says loser in big neon lights, like I'm a landmark up there to laugh at."
She pursed her lips thoughtfully. "What can we do about it?"
"Do about it?" He sounded like he was about to laugh. "Nothing, sweetheart. It's rooted."
"Does the world's best shrink not have the answer?"
"I do have the answer. It's that there's no answer."
Nobody was in the waiting room anymore, and the only nurse behind the desk went to the bathroom. Happy took advantage of the opportunity alone. She jumped her leg across both of his, moving to straddle his lap. He started mumbling some confused noise, but she cut him off by putting one palm to each scruffy cheek. Her fingers splayed over his hair. "Listen to me, Toby. You are one hell of a man, functioning floaters or not. Your genes mean zip."
"Uh, actually, Hap," he looked down, "somethin' is happenin' under the zipper in my other kind of jeans."
"Let me finish," Happy interrupted sharply. He pressed his lips together and listened. "Geniuses state facts. And the fact of the matter is, I want a baby with you. To hell with natural means. We're not natural. ...You can't blame yourself. Science is what it is. You know that. You know it's not your fault."
He swallowed on air, looking up at her with furrowed brows. He tried to say something, but bailed on it right after he started. She kept her gaze intense. It somehow managed to soften him. He shook his head in her hands. "What did I ever do to deserve you?"
"I love you," she replied matter of factly. "I won't stop because of some medical mishaps. It's you and me, Toby. For the long haul. And our baby."
He huffed through his nostrils. "Okay," Toby said. "Okay. Okay, you're right, Hap. I'm sor-"
"No. Stop apologizing," she instructed. "Stop feeling bad. It's not your fault, and I don't wanna hear you say it is again."
He nodded for a few seconds, just nodding until he figured out what to say. "Okay."
She kissed him, fiercer than she initially meant to. But when their lips meant, it felt just right.