Disclaimer: nothing belongs to me, I only write this to make more real in my head what I want to see.
I wrote this after I saw Ragnarok but I forget to upload the fic... I just wanted to write something cute about Thor hugging Loki but... I fail miserably and instead I wrote this...
I hope you like it (sorry for the mistakes English is not my first language).
Tragedy
Thor is tired. After so many years, so many tears, betrayals, fights... He stops. He has learnt his lesson. He never thought he would be ready for that moment but he really is. Thor is ready to let Loki go.
He knows he won't be able to survive another betrayal from his brother. He has chosen to survive. He has chosen freedom. He can't say he's happy but at least he will have the opportunity to be happy. Something he never had before. And this time is different because he knows Loki is alive.
Thor knows his brother is alive and that's enough for him. He even found the perfect place to live; a place he can control with his lies. Loki can be adored there when he eliminates the master. He will need time bit Thor is positive his brother will make it to the top.
He can live knowing his brother his fine.
He can live without him.
So the moment he hears Loki's voice he wants to cry because... Why does he have to be so cruel? He's free now. There is no Kingdom to rule, to steal; there is no father to hate; there is no mother to love for him. It's just ruins.
Thor tries desperately not to crumble. Loki must no see all he's feeling. Thor says the first thing that crosses his mind. The only one that makes sense; that is true and he can joke about yet.
"If you were here I might even hug you." That's everything he can say. He wants to hug his brother. He wants to feel Loki's body against his and remembrance the days when everything was easier; when he could love Loki without feeling guilty; where he could be by his side and laugh at his jokes.
Thor throws what he has in his hand just to see how Loki catches it with no problem with a smile.
"I'm here." Loki only says. And that's enough for Thor to crumble. For some seconds he can't move. He's here. His brother is with him. Loki is in front of him with his real form; no lies or tricks. Just him.
He can't move for several seconds. He wants to cry. He wants to shout. He wants... His lips tremble and he wants to speak. He needs to speak so desperately... but he can't. The words just don't come out from his mouth. What can he say? What is appropriate to say...? He blinks. He breathes...
He enjoys his vision one more second before doing what he just said he was going to do.
Thor hugs Loki.
Thor embraces his brother quietly. He encloses his brother with his arms and feels his warmth against his skin. Thor buries his face in his brother's neck and sighs enjoying his smell for the first time in years.
He's stupid. He knows he's stupid for feeling they way he is after everything Loki has done but... He always has had a soft spot for him. Thor has loved Loki too much since they were kids. And now it's too late to run away from that feeling. And for the first time Loki is in front of him and he's not stabbing him or lying or... Loki is letting him...
It's so wrong to feel so relieved just because his brother is with him... But Thor has learnt to life with those feelings so... He's fine. After years of betrayals and lies and deaths he has his brother back and nothing else matter. Now Thor is sure Loki is going to be the death of him. He will never be free of him. He will do everything for his brother. Thor don't know everything he would do for him. And it's better that way.
Thor wants to enjoy the moment.
When he breaks the hug; he looks Loki's green eyes. They are full of lies and darkness yet but there is light too. Thor knows what his brother is and can't change it but in that moment it's enough. It always has been enough for him.
"I love you." Thor whispers. It's a mistake and he knows it but he has accepted his destiny. Loki must be thinking how idiot he is. However Thor is not as idiot as Loki thinks; he knows what he's doing. Thor is aware of the danger he is by his side. "Thank you." He adds because he's grateful and he's never been good at keeping his feelings. Loki needs to know this. He has never hid his love for him. Thor has always been open about part of his feelings for Loki. There is only one little part of those feelings he silences. "Are you going to leave?" That's the only question that matter to him.
"For the first time in my live the asgardians love me... How could I leave now?"
Thor nods in silence. It's enough. He wasn't expecting to be the reason why Loki would stay with them but still it hurts a little bit because Thor wishes to be enough for... Thor wants to be loved by Loki. He has been trying so hard all his life to be loved and yet... it's never enough for Loki. His brother wants power and love from his people but not by his brother. Thor smiles and hopes Loki can't see how hurt he is.
"And I made my brother proud again..." Loki adds and Thor is sure Loki doesn't understand how much those words mean to him. And there is something in his green eyes that makes Thor happy. He's staying for him too and that means the world to Thor. None of them say anything else.
Thor is in peace or at least he wants to think he is.
"I'm going to be by your side Thor. We are going to fight together..."
"Don't make promises you can't keep." Thor cuts him softly because he knows what Loki is going to say and it is better if he doesn't let him finish. Loki is not good with promises and Thor doesn't want to see how another one is broken. "It's fine." And it is. "It's going to be fine." As fine as everything can be...
Thor can see some kind of disappointment in Loki's eyes. Was he believing his own words? Thor doesn't want to know. It's late for promises. It's late to believe blindly in Loki like in the past. Some things are broken beyond repair and his trust in Loki is one of them.
"It's fine." Thor smiles and puts his hands in Loki's cheeks before kissing is forehead. Everything is going to be fine that he knows. Not that night but eventually... "You should go." He says after some seconds. He needs to be alone to accept everything that has happened. "You should rest."
Loki goes then and Thor avoids his eyes. When he's alone he throws himself in the bed with his eyes closed. He's so tired... He wants to cry. He's not furious anymore but it would be better for him to be because what he is feeling right now is much worse. Thor is feeling empty and there is a sadness inside him that is consuming him little by little.
Thor is tired and he thought he could be free from Loki but his brother has been always too cruel and is giving him everything he dreamt since his first betrayal. He is going to be by his side; or at least he wants to... Now that Thor was ready to let him go. Life is cruel. Loki is cruel and he is so naïve yet... However he can't ignore the relief he is feeling in that moment just because Loki is with him. It would be easier to be alone; it would be safer for him but he can't stop feeling so alleviate.
Loki is with him; Thor thinks suddenly.
Loki has chosen to be with him.
His brother wants to be worthy again.
And maybe it's a lie. Maybe Loki is waiting for the right moment to betray him again but Thor doesn't care in that instant because Loki is with him and because there is a small chance he actually believe his own words; because maybe just maybe Loki really wants to be with him for real; because perhaps Loki loves him enough to be by his side once again and this time forever...
Thor knows it's stupid but...
Thor always has loved Loki too much. It's not healthy. It's not good... It is consuming him. It's a sin and he knows it. It's a mistake but he can live with that. He has been living with that love for years... And maybe in that moment is that love what is preventing him from drowning.
Suddenly he hears a noise and before he can't do something he sees his brother sitting astride over him.
"Hello." He whispers with a smile. Thor wants to move; he's not ready for his games... He is really tired and need space and some time by himself to accept everything that has happened since his father died. "No... wait, wait... Tho... Brother wait..." Loki says with a rustling voice which makes Thor stops. "I know you can't trust me. I know you can't trust my words; it's something I earned during the last years... I know... but please brother, Thor, let me do this. Let me..."
Loki's lips feel cold against his skin. His kisses are fast and short and Thor wants more even though he knows he shouldn't ask for more. He shouldn't let Loki does this. It's wrong. He is his brother. He is his brother and Thor shouldn't be enjoying his kisses. Thor shouldn't feel so relief after every kiss. His kisses shouldn't make him feel in peace... Thor knows what he should be doing instead; he should be stopping Loki. He is stronger; he could throw him out of the bed. Thor knows he is doing everything wrong in that instant but... He is so tired of doing the right thing.
Thor is scared of doing the right thing.
Thor doesn't want to be alone. Thor can't be alone. Thor needs this. After having a taste of Loki's lips how could he live without them? He feels alive with Loki and after so many years fighting against his brother; after so many years going after him... After everything that has happened between them he has what he always wished.
Loki is with him again.
Maybe Loki even loves him.
Maybe this is not a trick.
Maybe this is real...
Thor needs to believe this is real. Thor needs to lie to himself to believe this is real. Loki is the only family he has left now and he needs him. He could have survived with him in Sakaar but after this...
This have to be real.
This needs to be real.
"Please, please, please... be real..." Thor begs in a whisper.
"This is real." Loki responds and Thor listens to him and nods even though he can't believe him completely.
That's the tragedy of his life.
Thor loves Loki; he will always love his brother... but he can't trust him. Thor can't trust Loki after everything he has done. He has lost his family, his kingdom, his life because of him; because of his lies and his selfish needs but... Oh, god... And this is the tragedy... he can't stop forgiving him, he can't stop loving him...
It's a tragedy.
And he knows it's a mistake but it's too late to say no, it's too late to turn down Loki's lips. To have Loki by his side it's what is saving him from drowning; from going mad in that moment after losing everything...
Thor gives himself to his brother.
Thor embraces Loki and accepts his kisses with the devotion only a god can profess... It's a tragedy but after all the death and lost he has survived this is what is going to save him even if it kills him at the same time.
The end
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