Author's Note: This story will be completely ridiculous. Maybe not the best way to introduce ourselves to this community, but it makes us giggle all the same. We just can't not do this. We make no apologies.
Disclaimer: We don't own YYH. This will also be very, very, VERY silly. You have been warned.
Bragging Rights
The Spirit World was, as usual, completely and utterly busy. Koenma was off doing some chore or another, and so the spirits of the dead were stuck in a small waiting room with insufficient seating. They milled about, young and old, male and female, human and demon, waiting for Koenma to get back to judge them and send them on their way.
All of a sudden, the doors to the waiting room burst open and a short, curvy woman stood there, looking one part confused and two parts gloriously triumphant. She sauntered in with a grin and, without further ado, nudged and wiggled her way onto one of the few couches in the room, causing another spirit to fall off the other end of said couch.
As she settled in, the older woman next to her smiled. "Well, hello there dear! You are aware that you're dead, yes? I find it took me a bit to figure that out, so I always ask those coming in. Just in case, you know."
The young woman smiled, tossing her waist length, curly, moss green hair, her brown eyes sparkling. "Oh! Why, how kind of you. Yes, yes I knew I was dead. Hard not to know that when the last thing I remember is some rather hungry looking roses coming after me."
The older woman looked startled, then worried. "My goodness! I had no idea. Does that make you a demon then? Usually humans don't run into, er, carnivorous rose bushes. Oh! I'm Mrs. Tanaka, by the by."
A little boy across the room ran over, away from his mother. "Are you a demon? You don't look human. 'Cus your hair is green. Are you a tree spirit? You look kinda like a bush. Can you grow things super fast?"
The young lady laughed, stretching her arms. "Oh, no no no. I mean, that IS the look I was going for, but I am most definitely, 100% human. I am simply a hair stylist. Vera Verde, hair stylist EXTROARDINAIRE. With friends who are makeup artists. And own tanning salons. How ELSE could I get my skin to look this good?"
A few women listening in nodded at this statement, muttering amongst themselves and pointing at the woman lounging on the couch. The older woman thought on this, then her brow furrowed. "Verday? Are you Spanish? That certainly sounds Spanish."
Vera looked immensely proud. "Why, I am NOT Spanish. I was divorced recently and decided to make up my own name! Doesn't it sound just lovely? It means green. To go with my hair, you see."
Mrs. Tanaka smiled, folding her hands primly and quickly changing the subject back to the original point. "But, if you're not a demon, how did you come by a rose bush with a penchant for human flesh? Doesn't pest control go through every once in awhile to get rid of them in the
human world? I was certain that they did all those exterminations after the barrier opened between worlds."
Vera waved it off, checking her nails. "Oh, that's because I DID make it to the demon world. Totally by accident, mind you. I was dreadfully put off by the experience. But, in the end, it was completely worth it. I met the most GORGEOUS man."
Suddenly, there was a group of girls kneeling in front of the green haired woman, all gazing up at her longingly. "Who was it? Was it someone famous? Did you get his autograph?"
The questions came, one after another, until the woman raised her hands, and the fan girls fell silent. Smiling lazily, Vera twirled some of her hair. "I got even better than an autograph, ladies. It's quite the interesting story. Would you all like to hear it? Pass the time?"
Pretty much everyone gazed at her intently. Anything to make it less boring. The woman settled in, a Cheshire smile on her face. "Well, one day I was taking a walk through the park, on my way to work. Lovely hair place, you must go. I'll get you all a card. Anyway, I was strolling along, and then some rude boy ran past me, shoving me to the side! All that goo in his hair, he probably had more hair than brains. And green was NOT his color."
Frowning a bit, the woman sighed and continued. "Well, of course I fell over. Heels, you know. And I ended up falling right through the ground! Through it, I say! Never been so surprised in my life. I wake up, and wouldn't you know it? I'm in some god awful forest, no phone for miles, and it was dark!"
Shifting, she uncrossed, then recrossed her legs, smoothing her skirt. "I started walking, hoping to find someone. And there, in a clearing, was the most STUNNING hair I have ever seen. "
She sighed, fanning herself, a far off look on her face. "Oh! It was just so smooth and silky looking. So long, not a tangle or split end in sight. Like silk. And such a beautiful silver color!"
Some of the fangirls listening in squealed, and one fainted dead away, landing with a thump on the floor. Scowling a bit at the listeners, she waited for them to calm down before continuing. "Well, as I was saying, before I was so RUDELY interrupted, I was entranced. And, being a hair stylist, I couldn't just leave without handling some of that FINE hair."
The fangirls leaned in as she leaned forward. "So, I went right up to that gentleman, tapped him on the shoulder, and do you know what I told him? I told him I had never seen hair so lovely in all my life, and I have seen a LOT of hair."
Her eyes wide, voice breathy, she continued. "And then. He turned right around and stared me down with those ice cold, golden peepers of his. And he SMILED at me. Smiled! At me! And he was a tall fellow, and as I'm rather short, he leaned down closer to converse with me."
Affecting a deeper voice, the story carried on. "Why, hello there. What's a lovely human like yourself doing here, on my turf?"
One of the girls, with black hair in pigtails, raised her hand and spoke in a slightly squeaky voice. "Did he REALLY say that? Really, really?"
Vera nodded. "Of course he did! Well, more or less. I may be paraphrasing a bit, but that's basically what he meant, I'm sure."
The pig tail girl's eyes widened, face blushing a ridiculous shade of red. "Oh! I wish someone could have said all that to ME."
"Of course you do, dear. But, not everyone can be as gorgeous as I am. Give it a few years."
Mrs. Tanaka, looking a bit more disapproving, shook her head at the careless words of the woman next to her. The green haired girl smiled, carrying on.
"Well, I can tell you, I was just in shock. So, I told that lovely man that I was just terribly lost. Fell through the worlds or some such, no idea of how to get home. He was looking me over like a hungry man at a birthday dinner. He told me that he'd never met a human with green hair before, and that it looked nice with my skin and eyes."
"Now, I am, of course, a fine and upstanding young lady of good bearing. It was beginning to appear, to me, that perhaps I shouldn't be alone with such a character who would be so forward with me. Especially with that toga like thing on. You know what they say about men in togas."
Most of the girls nodded their heads sagely, but a few looked a bit confused, wondering what the rumor was about men in togas, and why they hadn't heard about it yet. Vera smiled sweetly, checking her nails. "Now, I knew perfectly well who this person was. I had heard all about him from that lovely Koto, on her radio show. You all know the one. She was always raving about him."
A young woman slipped in, trying to remain unnoticed. However, when you have eternity and are horribly bored, even the most nondescript action can garner a lot of attention. Every head in the room turned towards the plain looking woman and her eyes went wide. She was so taken aback by all the attention that she tripped over a person sitting on the floor. Stumbling and apologizing, she eventually made her way to the wall, looking down.
Vera huffed in irritation at the interruption, glaring at the woman staring at the floor. Tossing her hair, she carried on. "As I was saying. Koto. Lovely woman. Terrible fashion. High waisted khaki shorts? I mean really. Anyway, she had talked all about this man. The bandit and fighter, Youko Kurama!"
A hush settled over the room, then the girls kneeling in front of Vera let out shrieks of varying pitches, some fainting, others looking almost like they were about to turn rabid. When things finally settled down after a few minutes, Vera had her Cheshire smile back on her face. Nothing pleased her more than an attentive audience.
"Now, I decided at this point, despite his amazing and stunning good looks, that it was high time I leave. There was sure to be one of those nice patrols coming about soon enough. However, without my noticing, that uncouth man had woven up a wall of plants! No way for little old me to escape. I'm only human, you know?"
Nodding heads, shifting eyes, curious faces. Pushing on in a hushed voice, Vera steepled her fingers. "Seeing as how I couldn't fight my way out, I supposed now would be an excellent time to use my feminine wiles. So, I worked what my mama gave me! Bless her heart and soul, that woman had curves and I was gifted with them."
Breaths were held. Eyes were widened. Vera's smile grew wider. "Soon enough, he was putty in my hands! We did things that would make a nun explode. After copious amounts of coitus, he was completely enamored with me!"
Vera gazed about the room, feeling a bit bored. She wondered when she could get all this being dead business out of the way. Sighing, she carried on. "So, he decided that he must always have me near him, of course. Thieves. A bit possessive. Never date one. Or a wrestler. Also, very possessive. And so many issues with their manliness! I mean, honestly. Spandex tights? Ugh."
Folding her hands, Vera set them behind her head, leaning back, staring towards the ceiling. "He didn't want to be kept pinned down, however. He couldn't let me go, but couldn't keep me. So, he decided on the next best thing. He fed me to his favorite roses, so that whenever he looked at them, or used them in a fight, he would think of me!"
In the silence of the end of the story, Vera was basking in the glory of having flabbergasted them all, when a strange snuffling noise began. Looking around, Vera spotted the source of the noise. It was the plain looking girl who had come in earlier. She was making strange facial expressions, when all of a sudden…
"WAAAAH-CHOOO!"
The whole room turned to stare at the now completely horrified looking asian girl. The girl shrunk down in her seat, almost curling in on herself to avoid being noticed. Vera frowned, standing up, completely irritated that her grand ending had been foiled by one woman's sneeze.
Storming across the room, she forged a path, coming to stand right in front of the cowering woman. Imperiously, Vera pointed. "YOU! WHAT is your name?"
"I-itou. Chinatsu…"
"Well, Itou, I hope you know that I don't appreciate your jealousy."
Chinatsu's eyes widened, horrified voice coming out in a whisper. "But, but I'm not-"
"You most certainly are. Now, is it MY fault that I was born gorgeous, and you not so much? Of course not! Not everyone can look like me, and you should accept that. Interrupting my story with your FAKE sneezing, as we all know dead people can't sneeze, just because you're jealous of me."
Chinatsu frowned, messing with her hair. "Well, yes, you're very pretty, but that doesn't mean I'm jealous. And I don't appreciate you bringing up my looks. My looks don't mean that I can't still be exciting. And do exciting things. With exciting people."
Vera sniffed, crossing her arms. "Honestly. You should stop lying. Lying is not attractive. And what is with your hair? Waist length? Straight? Such a dull shade of black. Have you EVER gotten your hair done? And your clothes! Where DID you get that sweater? It is hideous! And for another thing-"
"MY GRANDMOTHER MADE ME THIS SWEATER AND I DON'T CARE THAT I'M PLAIN, AND EVEN PLAIN OLD ME MANAGED TO HAVE SEX WITH HIEI!"
A hush enveloped the room. The girls that had been so enamored with Vera's story drifted over, suspicious looks on their faces, muttering. "No way she did it. Hiei doesn't do anything with anyone! She's lying."
Chinatsu seemed to finally realize what she'd said and shrunk back down, trying to cower behind her horribly ugly brown and green designed sweater coat. "W-well… He… He may have been drunk at the time…"
More dangerous rumblings from the fangirls. "She what? He was what? Did she DATE RAPE him?"
Waving her arms wildly, Chinatsu stuttered even more. "B-b-but, I-I was, uh, at, at the same t-time-"
She was unable to finish her explanation of events, because she was mobbed by the girls. With a shriek, Chinatus took off running, gangly legs somehow working to her advantage in speed, as she left the other girls charging her in the dust.
Crossing her arms with a snort, Vera marched back to her seat, settling back down. Mrs. Tanaka looked at her disapprovingly. Vera did not notice and took out a nail file, fussing with her pinky nail on her right hand. "Honestly. Attention whores. I simply can't stand them."
With an unladylike snort, Mrs. Tanaka set both her hands on her cane. "Of course, dear."
Coming out the door opposite the one where Vera and Chinatsu had come in, there was a large, blue ogre, with one horn sticking out of his head. He peered down at a clipboard and looked up and about. "Number 98,234,579,347?"
Vera jumped up, excited. "Is that me?"
Unfortunately, in all her excitement, Vera failed to notice Mrs. Tanaka's cane slide in front of her feet. With a shriek, Vera went tumbling to the ground, groaning in pain on the floor. Gracefully, Mrs. Tanaka stood and sidled over towards the ogre. "What is that dear? Did you forget to grab a number on the way in? You should definitely go get that. I've been waiting, oh, about ten years for them to call mine. It's so hard to tell after you've been here so long."
Vera looked horrified, then ran for the ticket counter she had failed to notice earlier. Sauntering over to the door, the older lady looped her arm through the ogre's and he led her off, the doors shutting behind them.
Clearing his throat, the ogre looked down at the old woman. "Ma'am. I may be wrong, but I was certain you got here just this morning."
Smiling, Mrs. Tanaka patted his arm. "Yes. But, she doesn't know that. Now, what was your name again, dear?"
"George, Ma'am."
"Oh! What a lovely name. An American soldier I dated once, during the war, you know, his name was George. Such a lovely name. I did love that man."
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End Author's Note: We hope you enjoyed this silliness. ^_^ We're working on a full story for this.