Sam's Unfortunate Events
Author: Slytherstein
Rating: T (violence and language)
Spoilers: All
Genre: Humor/Adventure
Main Character(s): Samwise Gamgee and Frodo Baggins
Secondary Character(s): (Part I): Meriadoc Brandybuck, Peregrin Took, Bilbo Baggins, Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, Elrond; (Part II): Sméagol, Faramir; (Part III): Sméagol, Meriadoc Brandybuck, Peregrin Took, Rosie Cotton
Ship(s): SamxRosie, FrodoxRosie, MerryxMarigold, PippinxDiamond
Summary: Bilbo was a thief. Frodo needed anger-management. Ham had magical powers. Frodo was encumbered by details. Elrond was apathetic. Frodo felt betrayed. Gandalf was worse than all of them. Follow Master Samwise on his journey from the Shire to Mount Doom.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters; they belong to the brilliant J. R. R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings trilogy.
A/N: I wrote this a long time ago. It follows the Lord of the Rings trilogy, with events from Frodo and Sam's point of view. It is intended for humor. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Sam's Unfortunate Events
Prologue
…
Deep in the lands of Middle Earth, where no one thought anything existed, there lived a little group of Hobbits. Hobbits come from the Shire. They rarely care about the world outside.
This particular group of Hobbits lives in Hobbiton.
In all the countless records of all the Hobbits, none have been more adventurous as the Old Bilbo Baggins. He left his homeland, and suddenly came back with a golden Ring. Since then, Hobbits have found many of their possessions missing.
Bilbo's young relative, Frodo Baggins' parents died when he was only a small child. Bilbo adopted his nephew, and since then, Frodo never thanked him for it.
When Frodo was 15, Bilbo took him to visit his second cousin, Peregrin Took, and his second cousin's cousin, Meriadoc Brandybuck.
Chapter I
"Mischief Makers"
…
Frodo hopped out of the carriage and helped his uncle down as well.
"Thank you, Frodo!" Bilbo exclaimed. "Now, let's go inside!"
They walked to the door, and Frodo knocked twice.
"Hello!" a woman said happily, as she opened the door. "I'm Mrs. Took, your cousin! You must be Frodo!" She shook his hand.
Frodo saw another woman come running out from the living room.
"Hi! I'm Mrs. Brandybuck!" she said. "You look so much like your father, Drogo, it's not even funny!" She chuckled to herself as she said this.
Frodo forced a smile.
"Come on in!" Mrs. Took said happily.
Bilbo led Frodo inside The house wasn't nearly as nice as Bagend, but then, what was?
Frodo looked around, but he did not see a single Hobbit that looked his age. He walked all around eh house, then turned to Bilbo.
"Where are they?" he asked.
Suddenly, the door flew open, and he was pushed to the ground. He heard young laughter, and quickly pushed himself up from the floor.
Two Hobbits were racing to the table, both were covered in mud. The taller one sat down first, then the other. But the taller one pushed him out of his chair, then the smaller one sat back down. They were laughing hysterically.
Frodo noticed their packs were full, and something green was inside.
"Boys!" Mrs. Took shouted. "How dare you knock down Frodo Baggins! Why don't you two go outside now?!"
They quickly go up and ran out the door, still laughing.
Frodo ran out after them.
Frodo looked around and saw them on the roof. He ran up after them, and stopped right before knocking the taller one over. Now he saw what they had in their bags: stole vegetables! They dumped everything out and sorted it amongst themselves.
"What are you doing?" he asked uncontrollably.
"We're going to eat our prize! You must be Frodo! I'm Meriadoc Brandybuck, but I like to be called Merry!" the taller one introduced himself.
"And I'm Peregrin Took, or Pippin, as my friends call me!" the other said, unable to take his eyes off the vegetables.
"Would you like some mushrooms?" Merry asked.
Frodo could not resist. And from that day forth, he and the two were never seen alone.
Then one day, when Bilbo had hired a gardener, Frodo met Sam in an odd way.
Frodo, Merry and Pippin had just finished raiding Farmer Cotton's farm, and Frodo was on his way inside Bagend, when suddenly, a huge pile of dirt him right in the face! Another came flying at him. He dodged it just in time.
More came flying out the garden, and Frodo decided to go see what it was.
He saw something hunched over, flinging dirt and weeds. Frodo was about to touch it, when a pile of dirt flew right in his eyes.
"Aaagh!"
The gardener turned around fast and his eyes grew wide.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Baggins, I didn't see you coming! Why didn't you say something?! Wait! You're not Mr. Bilbo!" it said.
"Uh, duh! Who the hell are you?! I'm Frodo Baggins, owner of this here garden!"
"Sorry, Mr. Frodo!" the gardener said hurriedly. "I'm Samwise Gamgee."
Frodo got so mad, he punched the boy in the face. Sam fell on his stomach. Frodo started banging on his back as hard as he could.
Suddenly, an arm grabbed him.
"Frodo, what are you doing to the gardener?" Bilbo asked.
"He threw dirt in my eyes with that shovel, as he was supposedly weeding our garden!"
"Get inside," Bilbo ordered calmly.
Frodo ran inside. He was so mad at Bilbo! He wanted to make him suffer! He looked around the house for something that Bilbo would really miss.
Frodo picked up Sting, and a little golden Ring, before running out the back door.
He put the sword inside its sheath, which he attached to his belt. He buried the ring inside his pocket and ran to Merry and Pippin, to tell them what had happened.
"I know that Sam!" Merry said presently. "Always getting people into trouble!"
"Hey, let's bury this ring on our island!" Pippin said.
"Yeah! I can make a map on where it's buried!" Frodo agreed.
"Actually, me and Pippin have been saving this map of the island in case we ever needed it," Merry said happily. "We marked a good place to bury something!"
The three of them went outside and got on their boat. They rowed to the island, and looked for a good spot.
"Okay, right here is where the map says to bury it!" Merry declared.
"But we should bury it over there!" Frodo said, pointing at a dead skeleton.
"Give me the Ring, Frodo," Pippin said carelessly.
"No!" Frodo yelled.
"Give me the Ring! Give it to me!" Merry said, running after him.
After enduring many smacks and punches, Frodo loosened his grip on the Ring. Pippin took it, then ran back to the hole, while Merry held Frodo back.
Pippin was about to drop it in the hole, when something told him not to. Half of him wanted to do it, and half of him didn't.
Finally, after five minutes of decision, he decided not to. He turned around looked at the other two.
"The Ring is mine!"
"What's wrong with you, Pippin?" Merry asked in confusion.
Pippin put the Ring on his finger and vanished.
Merry let Frodo go, then they followed Pippin's footprints.
Pippin stopped suddenly. What was he doing? It was just a Ring, right? He took it off and reappeared. Merry snatched the Ring from him, threw it in the hole, buried it, and then went back to the other two.
Frodo was overly mad at the two of them for punching him.
"You two stay here, I'm going to go get the boat ready!" he said, running to the boat.
He cut a few holes in the side that Merry and Pippin sat in with Bilbo's sword Sting.
"Okay, let's go!" he yelled.
They came running to the boat and pushed it off the shore. The boat slowly filled up with water on the two cousins' side.
After sailing half-way, the side of the boat started tipping over like Titanic.
"Ha! I knew you'd fall for it!" Frodo said, laughing as he cut his half of the boat off theirs.
"Frodo! No!" Merry yelled.
"Yes!" Frodo disagreed, chopping the last bit of wood off.
He rowed away as fast as he could and watched from the other side.
Merry was part Riverfolk, so he could swim perfectly. He swam to shore, forgetting Pippin could not swim.
Frodo had thought that both Hobbits could swim. He just wanted to see them suffer.
He, like Merry, was wrong.
Pippin flapped his arms above the water, trying to stay above the surface. He failed and fell under, but managed to take a deep breath before going under.
Frodo noticed this, and took Merry on what was left of their boat to go get Pippin.
They rowed to the spot where Pippin was at last.
Pippin saw them, but he could not swim any higher. He let out some air from his mouth to create bubbles at the top, but only a few found their way up. He closed his eyes and held his breath.
'This is the end!'
"Merry, go get him!" Frodo yelled.
Merry dived into the water. He looked won and saw Pippin lying on the bottom. He swam down and grabbed him.
Frodo was looking in the water, when Merry leapt out of the surface and dragged Pippin up.
They rowed back to shore and laid Pippin down.
Frodo was pushing on his stomach and banging it when Bilbo came up behind him. Frodo realized he looked a little older than usual.
"Frodo!" Bilbo said, grabbing him by the back of this neck. "First, you try to kill Sam, then you steal my sword and my prec—…my Ring, and now you're hitting your friend! And you got Merry to help you!"
"Uncle Bilbo, you can let me explain, or you can jump to conclusions!" Frodo pointed out, pulling away.
"Okay, go ahead!" Bilbo said, sitting down.
Frodo told him the whole story. He finished by saying, "And why does the Ring make you disappear?"
"Don't ask questions!" Bilbo ordered, rowing the half-boat away from the shore.
Frodo turned around and saw Merry banging on Pippin's stomach.
"Breathe, darn you!" Merry shouted. He started punching Pippin's stomach instead.
Pippin opened his eyes and started coughing up water. Merry smiled and bowed.
Frodo rolled his eyes and helped Merry get Pippin to his feet.
Frodo looked over his shoulder at Bilbo, who was going mad on the other side of the lake.
He and his friends went home.
A/N: To be continued…