Disclaimer: You know the deal, they're not mine, etc., etc.
Mulder and Scully had been on the road for nearly 8 hours; their latest case required a trip across the country, and the FBI was too cheap to spring for plane tickets.
"Mulder, when are we going to stop?" Scully asked.
"We're not," Mulder replied.
She gave him a look of disbelief.
"What do you mean 'we're not'? We've been driving for 8 hours and we've only stopped once!"
"No, we've stopped twice. And we've been driving for 7 ½ hours," he said calmly, never taking his eyes off the road.
"Mulder, the McDonald's Drive-Thru does NOT count as a stop!"
"Fine. But we still can't stop, because we'll get behind schedule." He gave her a sideways glance, challenging her to disagree. She did.
"We're going to Roswell, New Mexico to investigate some crazy UFO story! How can we even HAVE a schedule?!" She was now confused as well as frustrated. Mulder sighed dramatically.
"Scully, Scully," he said and shook his head sadly. "Haven't you learned by now? We men always have schedules. Ask anyone."
She glared at him but didn't say another word.
"Scully, stop at this exit." Mulder said an hour later, finally broke the silence in the car. Scully was about to turn on her turn signal when another idea crossed her mind.
"Why?" She asked. Mulder didn't reply, as he was too engrossed in the magazine he was holding.
"Mulder!"
"Huh? Oh, uh, 'cause it's been a long time since we've stopped?" He phrased it as a question rather than a statement. Scully gave him a hard look.
"Okay, okay. 'Cause I'm out of sunflower seeds," he admitted. Scully smiled. This was perfect.
"Bummer," she said, trying to keep a straight face. "We've got a schedule to keep."
"What?" He couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"Mulder, we women always have schedules. Ask anyone," she continued, quoting him nearly word for word.
"Well, uh, it'd be okay to be there a little later, I guess."
Scully suppressed a laugh.
"Finally, you understand. Unfortunately, we still can't stop," she replied.
"WHY??"
"Well, I just passed the last exit for 25 miles," she grinned at him. He groaned.
"Finally!" Scully exclaimed when she saw the sign for the next exit.
"Fast food here we come!" Mulder added.
"I don't believe it," he said as they looked around the little town. "You're telling me that 'Gramma's Kuntry Kookin' is the only place to eat around here?"
Scully nodded grimly. "I have serious reservations about eating food cooked by someone who can't even spell. But I'm starving."
"How bad can it be?" Mulder wondered.
"Pretty bad," Scully whispered as they were approached by an old lady wearing a T-shirt that said 'I'm Gramma'.
"Hey y'all, I'm Gramma. Welcome to Gramma's Kuntry Kookin, here's your menus, I'll be back to take your order in 5 minutes. Would ya like something to drink?" The lady said in a deep, scratchy voice that could only be a result of decades of smoking menthols.
"Uh, I'll have an ice water," Scully said, opening her menu.
"Coke," Mulder said.
"We're outta Coke," Gramma replied matter-of-factly.
"Diet Coke?"
"Yeah, I think we got some," she said, then walked away.
"Well, it's not McDonalds," Mulder said quietly as she was leaving.
"This place sucks!" Scully exclaimed, not so quietly. Gramma gave them a dirty glare, so lowered her voice. "Let's see, there's 'Gramma's fishy stix and chipz', 'Gramma's cheezy pizza'… Is there anything on this menu that's spelled right?"
Then Gramma returned with their drinks.
"Are ya ready to order now?" She was still giving Mulder and Scully the evil eye.
"Yeah, um, I'll have 'Gramma's fishy stix and chipz," Scully said. Mulder smirked. Gramma tapped her foot impatiently.
"Oh, uh, I'll have, uh," he began, then lowered his voice, "Gramma's cheezy macaroni."
Mulder stared at his dinner in disgust.
"Scully, I can't eat this crap!"
Gramma gave them a death glare.
"What are we going to do with this?" Scully wondered aloud.
"I know! Let's hide it in our napkins!"
"Mulder, that's what six year-olds do to avoid eating their vegetables," Scully rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, and it worked for me when I was six," he replied.
"Okay," she conceded. "Here's our chance. She's gonna go have a smoke."
As soon as Gramma was outside, Mulder and Scully scooped the disgusting food from their plates into their napkins and placed the napkins in their laps.
"Gramma, could we have our bill, please?" Scully asked politely when the old lady returned.
"Boy, you kids musta been hungry. Glad you enjoyed my cookin'."
Mulder and Scully looked at each other and tried not to laugh. Their smiles disappeared when Gramma handed them the bill.
"That'll be 20 dollars. Thanks for coming to Gramma's Kuntry Kookin, please come again."
"Yeah, right," Mulder whispered as they were leaving.
Later that evening Mulder and Scully pulled into a hotel, tired and hungry. They paid for a room with two double beds and managed to drag themselves and their luggage up to room 603 before collapsing on the beds.
"I'm starving," Mulder said, half-asleep. There was a long pause. "Wanna go to McDonalds?" He asked, suddenly seeming wide awake.
"Mulder, it's 11:00 at night," Scully replied.
"Yeah, but I'm hungry. We never ate dinner, remember?"
Scully groaned, then sat up slowly. Their eyes met, and a smile spread across her face.
"Let's do it," she said.
"This is crazy!" she giggled as they drove into the McDonalds parking lot.
"Well, yeah. That's sorta the point," Mulder replied. They walked into the building, laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation.
The kid behind the counter looked at them suspiciously. Scully guessed that it was pretty unusual for two adults to visit McDonalds in the middle of the night. College students, maybe. But not two average adults dressed in business clothes. (They had left for New Mexico straight from work and had not bothered to change out of their work clothes.)
"I'll have a double cheeseburger, large fries, and a large chocolate milkshake," Mulder said.
"Um, I'll have a chicken salad with low-fat Italian dressing," Scully said. Mulder nudged her.
"C'mon. We didn't get up and come here just to eat salads!"
"Oh, okay." She smiled, then turned back to the kid behind the counter.
"I'll take a cheeseburger, fries, and a Coke."
"That's more like it!" Mulder grinned.
"Ah, there's nothing like all-American junk food!" Mulder said happily as he looked at their feast.
"At least it's not Gramma's Kuntry Kookin," Scully laughed and dismissed the thought of how much fat and cholesterol she was about to consume.
"Ugh, don't remind me," Mulder made a face.
"You know, Mulder, have you ever considered the possibility that McDonalds is a conspiracy?"
"What?"
"Yeah. Maybe it's really a conspiracy to make us all so fat and unhealthy that we won't even be able to resist the alien invasion!" Scully said jokingly.
"Yeah, McDonalds is run by aliens!" Mulder said loudly, and both burst out laughing. The employees gave them strange looks, but Mulder and Scully didn't even notice. They were having the kind of fun that only comes while doing something completely nonsensical (like visiting a fast food restaurant in the middle of the night), knowing all the while that you are acting ridiculous. They finished their meal with much more laughter and random silliness, then left.
On the way back to the hotel, Mulder stopped at a gas station.
"We just filled the tank two hours ago," Scully said
"I'm gonna get something to drink," he explained. "Be right back.
He returned a minute later with a bottle of Mountain Dew.
"Mulder, you're going to be up all night!"
"Nah, I'll be fine."
"So what do you wanna do now??!!" Mulder was sitting in the car, apparently unable to hold still.
"I told you that you shouldn't have had that Dew this late," Scully scolded him.
"What do you mean?! Caffeine doesn't affect me!! What do you wanna do?!"
"Go back to the hotel and go to bed," she replied.
Five minutes later, Scully was leading a very hyper Mulder into the hotel.
"Scully, I can't go to bed now!! I'm not tired!! I think I'll go run up and down the sidewalk for a while!!" He was about to dash away, but Scully caught him by the arm.
"Oh, no you don't. You said caffeine doesn't affect you. Prove it!"
"Scully! I CAN'T GO TO BED!! IT'S ONLY 11:45!!!!!" His arm was literally shaking in Scully's grasp. This could be a long night.
"Hey, Scully! Guess what?!" Scully groaned and buried her head in her pillow. Mulder had been talking nonstop for the last half hour.
"Guess what, Scully!! I got some more Dew!! Want some??!" He asked, revealing a secret stash of Mountain Dew hidden under his jacket. Scully pondered that a moment. If she drank any Dew, she would be up for the rest of the night.
"Huh, Scully? Do you want some?!" She sighed. At this rate, she'd probably be up all night anyway.
"Sure, why not?" She said, smiling.
"Hey, Mulder!! I can't sleep!!"
"Me either!!!" Mulder got up and started jumping on the bed.
"Scully, move!! I'm gonna jump onto your bed!!"
Scully got up and started bouncing up and down.
"I know!! Let's have a jumping contest!" She exclaimed as Mulder jumped onto her bed.
They both started jumping as high as they could, occasionally leaping from one bed to another.
"C'mon!! Let's jump together!" Scully exclaimed. They held hands and bounced a few times to gather momentum, then dove toward the other bed.
"Let's do it again!!" Mulder shouted.
"Yeeee-aaaahhh!!" They yelled as they soared through the air. Then they heard a crash as the bed collapsed. Unfortunately, the hotel manager picked that exact moment to enter the room.
"WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE??" He yelled, his face red with rage.
Scully wasn't surprised when she woke up two or three hours later and heard Mulder crying. It had been exactly one month since his mother had died; Scully had wondered if it would be a difficult day for him.
"Mulder? Are you okay?" She got up and sat on the edge of his bed.
"I'll never see her again," he said, his face buried in his pillow.
"I'm so sorry."
"It's my fault," he sobbed.
"No, it wasn't your fault. It was her own choice," she said.
"No," he said quietly.
"Mulder, it was not your fault," Scully said gently but emphatically. He shook his head, but didn't say anything for several minutes.
"No, it was my fault. I forgot to feed her and now I'll never see her again!"
"Huh?" Scully was confused.
"I forgot to feed Roswell," he said sadly.
"Your fish?"
"Yeah."
"Oh. How about you call Skinner and ask him to feed Roswell?" Scully suggested.
"Good idea," Mulder said, brightening up.
"Cool. I thought maybe you were upset because it's the one-month anniversary of your mom's death."
The smile disappeared from Mulder's face and he started crying again.
"Why did I even bring it up?" Scully asked herself.
Mulder woke up the next morning not knowing where he was or what happened the night before. He looked over and saw Scully lying in the bed next to his, and was shocked at what she was wearing: A SpongeBob SquarePants t-shirt. (She hated cartoons.)
"Scully? What happened last night?" he asked.
"Mmm… let me think. Oh yeah! We drank about a gallon of Mountain Dew each and were completely high on sugar and caffeine."
"Cool. Let's do it again sometime," he said.
"Well, let's get going. We wouldn't want to get behind schedule!"
Hope you enjoyed it! Do you want me to continue?