Author Note: Warning: Crackfic.
Like, MASSIVE Crackfic.
This much crack hasn't been seen since the last international plumbers convention!
In short; it's retarded. Read at your own risk. :)
Follow the adventures of HTML, PVP, AT0M and Chris the Eradicons in their... Eradicon stuff!
Beta'd by Runaway Deviant
Chapter One - Knocking Out Ducks
Knockout wasn't entirely sure how Breakdown managed to persuade him to come down to Earth for an 'outing' with the Eradicons. At first, Breakdown had tried tempting him with a race, which hadn't worked.
Then, he had taught himself how to brew Knockout's favourite energon and so tried to tempt him with that, but still he refused.
In the end, Breakdown had put on a ridiculous pout and Knockout had agreed out of sheer aggravation and the hope that his assistant would stop nagging him.
He had grudgingly followed the larger mech and the giddy Eradicons to the middle of the desert, where, upon arrival, Breakdown broke out the energon cubes, handed them around to everyone – making sure that Knockout got the flavour he preferred – and began drinking.
Knockout was, of course, sceptical at the thought of the Eradicons being good company by any stretch of the imagination, but he found that after a few cubes they were probably better company that most of the high ranking officers. No wonder Breakdown liked to talk with them. They were completely at ease with him and he was content to sit and listen.
One of them began to recount a race he had apparently won against Bumblebee and begun boasting. Judging by the way the others had reacted, this was a normal occurrence.
What amused Knockout though was when the drone stood up, pointed a digit at him and challenged him to a race. The other drones all collectively face palmed while Breakdown just seemed interested.
Knockout shrugged and stood up.
"You're on."
+ MEANWHILE, OVER THERE +
Optimus lead his Autobots down a long dusty through a very brown landscape; probably a bit too brown for his taste. Someone had very recently driven along the road and the residual dust still in the air was getting into his vents and annoying him. His systems flashed a warning that if he didn't get rid of the dust soon, his vehicle form would overheat. Venting a sigh as well as a whole lot of dust, he commed the others who were following him.
'Autobots, transform. This dust is doing more damage than anticipated. If we stop for a small while, we should be able to get to the human base without too many difficulties, assuming we are not seen.'
Bumblebee beeped back a bit too enthusiastically, Optimus noted. The young scout had been the least willing to come along on the drive, but the humans had insisted that it was necessary for them to meet up with them and then drive with them to a 'secret base' to discuss further matters.
Arcee had suggested they drive and Optimus had agreed. It wasn't too far and they needed some fresh air.
Presently they were only getting fresh dust.
Arcee and Bumblebee transformed, followed by Optimus. Bumblebee let out a small electronic noise. Optimus smiled; the dust was far less annoying in robot form.
Arcee stretched her arms and looked past Optimus at the desert. It really wasn't that bad, unless of course, you were driving in it, but it did have its beauty. Arcee never cared either way, but just before she looked away, something caught her optic.
There were tire tracks that veered off of the road. A few possibilities entered her processor as to why, but the most likely one seemed that there could have been humans that veered off and needed help.
"Optimus, look; tire tracks. There could be injured humans if they belong to a human. They look like they swerved off pretty violently."
Optimus' gaze followed Arcee's pointed digit and he nodded in acknowledgement.
"Lets roll."
+MEANWHILE, BACK OVER HERE+
Knockout's laugh echoed throughout the empty desert. Breakdown sighed.
"There goes the peace."
"Whose idea was it to bring Officer Knockout?"
"That would be you, PVP."
"Oh yeah", the drone's helm tilted to the side and he glanced skyward, "Why did I do that again?"
"Because you're an aft," a third drone chipped in.
"He's not that bad," Breakdown said thoughtfully, thinking of the times where Knockout wasn't as conceited as he usually was.
One of the drones looked up at Breakdown. If he'd had a face, Breakdown was sure that he'd be glaring lasers.
"Have you met him?"
Breakdown looked over at Knockout, who was still laughing at the drone who had lost the race. The drone had its servos on its hips and was pointedly ignoring the medic; however it was difficult to ignore him when he was being so loud and obnoxious.
Breakdown vented air.
"He can be a little bit annoying..."
Satisfied with that answer, the drone looked back at Knockout, who had draped his arm over the losing drone's shoulders and was informing him about the 'fine art' that is racing.
"How much did he have to drink?"
Breakdown shook his helm.
"Two. He's a lightweight."
"Wow."
"Yeah."
+MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE INBETWEEN HERE AND THERE+
Arcee looked at the tyre tracks they were following. They had come across a crudely drawn line in the sand and Bumblebee had suggested they hadn't been hurt, but were racing.
The desert was a perfect place for illegal racing it as there was plenty of room and no police around.
Optimus raised a brow plate at that statement and Bumblebee sheepishly moved out of his range of sight.
"Well, if that's the case... we should-" Optimus was cut off when he heard a rather loud laugh coming from where the tyre tracks lead.
"Is that..." Arcee stared off into the distance.
"I believe so," Optimus said slowly. He wasn't sure, but that sounded like the Decepticon medic.
Bumblebee whirred and beeped in anticipation for the 'Con-crushing fest that was to come.
Optimus merely vented a sigh.
"Autobots, be careful. We're not sure what the Decepticons have planned. It could be a trap, or we could walk right into another energon mine. If that's the case, we'll require backup."
They slowly made their way to the cause of the noise and came across Knockout, as Optimus thought. However, Knockout seemed to be lecturing a drone on... something
"...and why is the sky on this planet blue? Why blue? It's such a boring colour! I mean come on!" he glanced around and then added in a sing song voice "No offence Breaky!"
Optimus heard a half hearted reply from somewhere beyond Knockout, but didn't particularly want to look.
"Sir... Wasn't the sky on Cybertron blue...?" the drone asked quietly.
"No! Of course it wasn't! It was purple! I know! I lived there for all my life!"
"Sir, I think you've had too much to drink."
"DON'T YOU TELL ME HOW MANY DUCKS I CAN HAVE!"
Arcee had decided that she had heard enough for the day and glanced out from behind the rock at the scene before her.
Knockout was using an Eradicon as a crutch and leaning against him while he ranted away, occasionally earning a sigh or a shake of the helm from said Eradicon.
Arcee didn't care either way. She took aim and fired at the Eradicon's spark.
+MEANWHILE, IN THE EXACT SAME PLACE+
Knockout heard the gunshot but didn't pay it much mind until he fell over due to his support Eradicon (read: column) collapsing.
Upon hearing the gunfire, the other Eradicons came rushing over along with Breakdown, who followed at a more sedate pace.
One of the Eradicons seemed to be more distraught than the others, kneeling over his fallen comrade.
"Tell ST-3V3... I loved him!" the dying Eradicon coughed, before his visor went dark; the telltale sign that he had truly been offlined.
HTML leaned over to PVP; "Commander Starscream won't be happy about that."
PVP snickered in response.
The Eradicon who was kneeling over the lifeless drone stood up and turned to face Arcee, who was emerging from behind a large rock along with Bumblebee and Optimus.
"YOU KILLED CHRIS! YOU SELFISH FRAGGERS; ALL HE EVER WANTED TO DO WAS TO RACE THINGS; THAT'S ALL HE ASKED."
The Autobots stopped moving and stared at the hysterical drone in bewilderment.
"ANOTHER BROTHER! ANOTHER BROTHER LOST TO THE CRUELTY OF THE AUTOBOTS!"
"Hey, we didn't-" Arcee tried to put in before being cut off.
"ANOTHER BROTHER SLAUGHTERED IN COLD BLOOD BY THE TERRIBLE WRATH OF THE GEARS OF FATE AND WAR!"
"Um-"
"Oh boo, you whore," HTML said, effectively shutting the femme up.
"FOR WHAT IS LIFE TO MERE DRONES SUCH AS US? WHEN LIFE IS ENDED BY ONE CRUELER THAN WINTER'S ICY HEART ON THE DARK SIDE OF CYBERTRON, WHAT DOES LIFE MEAN!"
"Um, AT0M?" HTML tried to interrupt.
"OH, WHAT FOOLS THESE AUTOBOTS BE!"
While AT0M was venting, Breakdown joined the scene to collect Knockout from the floor. He picked the passed out medic up and checked that he was still functioning.
With reassurance that Knockout would live to race another day – unlike the smouldering remains of the Eradicon before him – Breakdown focused his attention back on the over dramatic Eradicon before him.
HTML was trying – to no avail – to try and shut him up while PVP wasn't even trying to hide his laughter.
Breakdown glanced to the Autobots who for the most part were taking this very well. They stared in shock as AT0M fell into the arms of HTML in an overdramatic fashion.
"Hold me! I cannot walk! Such tragedy has rendered me useless to move!"
HTML groaned as AT0M fell limp in his arms.
"Remind me to kill you when we get back."
"SUCH IS THE LIFE OF A LOWLY DRONE!"
The show next to them had roused Knockout, as he begun squirming in Breakdown's arms. He grumbled something incoherent and Breakdown simply ignored him.
But Knockout was soon fully awoken and he began to whine and attempt to get out of Breakdown's tighter-than-death grip.
"BREAKY. PUT ME DOWN." Knockout whined in a childish manner; clearly still overcharged.
The Autobots attentions were drawn away from the drone who was still spewing out a sap story to Knockout who was pouting at the larger mech who held him.
"I am capable of holding myself up!"
"You're overcharged."
"No, you're a duck!"
"Knockout, be quiet."
"I love you Breaky!"
Breakdown groaned. He would never live this down.
PVP made a mental note to find out about Knockouts drunken obsession with ducks, but immediately forgot it in favour of laughing at Breakdown's nickname.
The Autobots were at a complete loss as to what to do. On one hand, it would be convenient to offline all of the Decepticons present and leave no witnesses, however that went against all of their morals; it wasn't particularly fair to kill an overcharged 'Con who can't even speak properly.
Bumblebee was frantically looking back and forth between the Eradicons and Knockout who was now trying to hug Breakdown for being a 'good buddy'.
Arcee was still staring at the Eradicons. AT0M – the one who had had the emotional outburst was lying limp in HTML's arms while PVP was still in hysterics. Arcee wasn't sure whether he was laughing at the other Eradicons, Knockout or both.
"Enough!" Optimus commanded. Arcee, Bumblebee along with the Decepticons all looked at Optimus.
"Surrender, or we'll have to destroy you all."
"OH, THE LIFE OF A DRONE; WE CANNOT GO ONE DAY WITHOUT BEING THREATENED TO BE DESTROYED! BE IT BY AUTOBOTS OR DECEPTICONS OR EVEN OUR OWN-"
Optimus narrowed his optics and the drone promptly shut up.
During Optimus' outburst, Knockout had managed to fight his way out of Breakdown's grasp. He marched up to Optimus and put a digit to his chassis.
"Now listen here! I am the supreme commander around here and you'll do as I say!"
Optimus opened his mouth to reply but was cut off.
"DECEPTICONS! RETREAT IN A FABULOUS FASHION!" Knockout called out. He transformed and drove away with Breakdown hot on his tail.
The Eradicons watched them go and looked down at the dead pile of Chris before them, unsure what to do.
"Well, rest in peace Chris!" PVP said happily before speeding off.
AT0M and HTML exchanged glances before shrugging and following suit.
Bumblebee cautiously glanced to his leader who had his face in his servos.
Arcee was stuck on the spot, just staring off into the sunrise.
"Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?" Bumblebee streamed from his radio.
Optimus groaned.
"I don't know, Bumblebee. I don't know."
Arcee glanced over to the abandoned picnic that the Decepticons had left behind in their rush.
"At least they left some Energon behind."
Optimus turned around and begin to leave.
"I'm not touching that."
After Note: HI GUYS! Another story from me. Yay.
Except this is myself and my Beta Runaway Deviant writing this story! :B
It's just something silly to balance out the emoness of my usual junk. :D